Friday 23 May 2014

CCS results

We don't have the full genetic report yet, but we have our overall CCS results.

Just a reminder, that of our 10 DE embryos we were expecting 3 or 4 normals. 

We have 3 normals and 2 no-result. 

We are in the process of finding out if the 'no results' can be re-tested. If there was a cost we wouldn't do it. Have any of you  had experience with this? 

D was scared we'd have no normals because of his wonky sperm, so he's relieved.  I'm happy with the result. Not ecstatic, but very pleased. 

We'll (hopefully) have a regroup with the doctor soon to discuss all of this. 

We're only going to transfer one at a time. And another miscarriage might mean we look at using a known gestational carrier. (If those who have offered are still willing). 

That's where we are at! Your thoughts or suggestions are welcomed and appreciated. We're in new territory! 

PS) My HCG was 90. I'll repeat it in another week. 

Thursday 22 May 2014

On a little break up north

I've been enjoying a little infertility break over the past couple of weeks. 

Mother's day was an okay day with my family. In the evening I was very grumpy and had another good dose of feeling sorry for myself. 

The good news is that I haven't had a lot of grief since. I'm hoping it continues to stay that way. 

I've been having bloodwork to check for my bHCG. It hasn't got to be less than five yet. Last week's was 245-ish, we'll see what yestersay's was. I'm expecting the call for that this morning. 

I'm in a small town now, and getting blood work is very interesting to say the least. Yesterday, I went at 9:30 am. I was hoping to miss all of the fasting blood people, but that was not the case.  It's the only place to get blood work within a 40 minute drive. 

I actually took a number and then realized that it was going to be HOURS before I could get my blood drawn. So I left and went and did my groceries and one other errand. I came back and still had to wait another half hour! 

I'm glad I left because some of the people were looking (warrantedly) grumpy at that point, while I was feeling pleased with my resourcefulness. 

I'm enjoying being "up north" as D and I call to it. It's been really nice to see more of my family and to be outside a lot more.   

D and I got our pictures taken last night on a beach and in a forest. We are going to use them to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary (coming up in the fall- holy cow!) and also for our adoption profile book. 

The adoption workers didn't like the cover photo we had picked, and it was the best we had.  So, it was a good excuse to have them done. 

I've joined a house league soccer team here for the summer too. I haven't played in 15 years. It's a very friendly atmosphere of all skill levels, so I think I will enjoy it.  I know I will have to bail probably half way through the summer for because of fertility treatments, so I'd better enjoy it while I can. 

I even went to Zumba one night with my aunt and cousin. Today my Mom's coming over to help me scrape wall paper.  Bye, bye navy and burgundy stripes, and sailboat papers! 

Sometimes I almost feel manic lately. I have so much energy.  It's like grief had such a heavy grip on my life, that now that I'm more free, I'm extra happy just to feel kind of normal and do things again. Do any of you ever feel that way? 

Overall, spring has been good! I am so grateful for the break. It was a long winter. 

Friday 9 May 2014

Mother's Day

There will be so many things for me to think about on Mother's Day, as I'm sure there will be for you too.   I will be spending the day with my Mother, Grandmother, D, my nephew, siblings and their partners.

We will be remembering my beautiful Grandfather, who we lost one year ago to the day, all too suddenly.   I will be quietly remembering our four babies.   I will be missing them like crazy and sending my sweet little ones so much love.  My heart gets so heavy when I think of them.

This year,  I will try to take comfort in knowing that on this difficult day, I am not alone, even though it might feel that way.  We are surrounded by this community of strong, amazing women.  For that, I am truly grateful.

I will be remembering the battles that you all courageously fight, and the sacrifices you make every single day to make your dreams a reality.   I will remembering those of you who never got to bring your precious babies home.   I wish it was different for you.

I will also be thinking of those of you who have made it through to the other side, or are on your way.  I know you still feel the deep imprint of infertility and loss on your hearts.  I hope that your burden will continue to lighten.

I hope on Sunday that I will be able to do what I need to do to shield myself from collecting more pain.  That I may find a way to do it gracefully, and that the people around me will understand.

I am hoping next year will be better for us all.  

Thursday 8 May 2014

Miso perplexed

So I took the Misoprostal last night and this morning (vaginally)....and as of 9pm tonight there has been nothing.

It's weird. Today is the first day that I have had no bleeding.  

I'm going to give it another day and then call the doctor. 

I'm not sure what to think about this. What do you think? 

Wednesday 7 May 2014


Yesterday's meeting with our adoption worker went well.   We also met with the local social worker who does birth parent counselling.

Their moods were much lighter than usual.  Where there has been a drought of babies as of late, they now have several matches happening.   They spoke in general about some great matches that had just happened in the past couple of weeks.

They spoke positively about us and said that they know we will be matched.  They said we will present well and we have many favourable things going for us.  That made me feel good, and lowered my anxiety a bit.  The adoption world seems so competitive for babies.

I wondered if the situation they were referencing was actually my friend's.  I was listening intently to all of the details of the story.  I tried to match up the details of the situations they told us about with what I already knew about my friend's potential match.

Right after the meeting, I texted my friend to see how everything was going.

She told me that they were matched!!!  They are now quickly organizing her paternity leave, a nursery, their ideas of names to discuss with the birth parents, and updating all of their necessary documents.

I am so excited for them.  Like, truly over the moon.  Their story brings me so much hope.  I get teary thinking about them and their newborn baby coming together this June after all they have been through.

D's happy for them, but also feeling a tad bit jealous.  He's always been more interested in adoption than pursuing fertility treatments.  He knows that this baby matched our parameters (that sounds so cold, but I don't know how else to put it).  We would have been considered for this baby had we not been on hold because of our last pregnancy.  It could be us rushing to pull together all of those important details.

I don't feel that way though.  I feel like this is the perfect match for them.  For many reasons, but I think it's especially neat that she's Asian and he's Caucasian/European and so are the birth parents.

I love knowing that this could  is going to work out for them.  I see so much hope in their situation.  They are going to be amazing parents, I have do doubt.  They have so much love to give.

That could be us one day.  

Tuesday 6 May 2014

CCS, adoption and grieving

I had a nice visit with my Dad.  He was planning on staying two nights but stayed for four! He had a good time.  We spent our days in my Father-in-law's workshop building a table.   Father-in-law gets lots of drop-in company from his retired and semi-retired friends.  My Dad is extremely social, and I know he loved every minute of meeting the new faces, working in his nice shop, and drinking a few beers!

I really have to work on building my stamina back up though, because I was tired!  So much so, that we had a really lazy weekend.  Lazy, as in, we laid in bed or on the couch, didn't cook a single meal or do any dishes, or any of the other jobs we should have done.  We just vegged playing candy crush and watched TV.  It would have been the perfect weekend if I could have tuned out my guilt (for being lazy) a little more.

This week, we celebrated D's granny's 90th birthday.  I love her so much, she's so cute.  We went to her favourite restaurant last night to celebrate, to a tiny and very modest diner.  We then went back to D's parents for loads of sweets.  Granny is diabetic and looooves her sweets.  His parents take good care of her, but let her indulge often.  They say when you are 90 and it brings you happiness, who cares!  Let her enjoy! I feel the same.

This week we are packing up to go to our cottage.  We'll be there for as long as we can, until fertility treatment calls us back home.  We're hoping for a month and a half.  It's my healing place and I'm looking forward to being there again.  It is close to where most of my family lives.  We haven't been since Christmas, so it will be good to see if the place is still standing!   D can work from there.  It's been something really positive in our lives amidst some of the turmoil of the last year.   We're lucky to have it.

We've finished our paperwork done for the CCS and will be meeting with our adoption social worker one last time for some minor things today.  Our friends has the same worker and is registered at the same adoption agency.  They got a call this week to say they are being considered for a child due in June.  I really, really hope that this is it for them.  They will make great parents.

It was a bit of an eye opener for us.  We had pulled our home study from the adoption agency after we had found out we were pregnant.  This was at their request, and our social workers too.

If we had not pulled our profile, I think we would have been considered for this baby too.  This gives me some hope that maybe adoption could work out for us.   For some reason, in the past I have had a very negative view... like I can't imagine that adoption would work out for us.  It's like I'm scared to get burned.  I feel like adoption could be similar to facing another battle like the one we've had with infertility.  Maybe that isn't the case?

Our friends could have a healthy baby THIS JUNE.

If I knew a baby was there waiting for us, and there wasn't going to be extreme heartache with the whole process,  I think I could drop fertility treatments like a hot potato.

That's a relatively new feeling for me.  I'm sitting with it, and I'm liking it.

On the grieving front, overall, I've been feeling much better.

Don't get me wrong, there have been teary moments.  Yesterday was difficult.  I had to sit in my OBGYN's office surrounded by pregnant bellies, and babies.  I brought my own magazine and hoped that I would be called quickly, but that didn't happen.  I hoped that I would not hear the lullaby that plays over the P.A. system every time a baby was born, but I did.  I survived it though, with only some watery eyes.  Also good, was that the heavy feeling didn't linger over me all day like it usually does.

Contact from my friends, time with my Dad and the spring weather has been helping.  Even the thought of being treatment free for the next month and a half is exciting to me right now.  Wine or coffee on the patio in the sun, here I come.

I'm looking forward to brighter days.


PS)  The doctor says my HCG is 957.  That it has been dropping 40% every two days (I didn't know this was a measure of a successful miscarriage).  Because I am still having some bleeding and of my history of having an incomplete miscarriage, he wants me to take the Misoprostal this week and have my HCG checked again.   I'm going to take the pills starting tonight.  He told me he thinks it shouldn't hurt as much because there is not much left inside of me to pass.  I'm going to take the Tylenol 3's just in case.   Hopefully, this will bring a close to all of this.