That's what I've been the past day or so. Yesterday I could feel something coming on, a mood that wouldn't lift. It's been threatening to come for a few weeks now, but I kept trying to send it packing.
A few small things happened and, bam. I'm crying at the dinner table again. Preceded and followed by a hefty dose of the why-me's.
I'm trying to process what this funk is all about, and I think I have a few reasons. Some are new. Some aren't.
I'm sick of rehashing old crap. Over and over again without any different resolution. It's exhausting. And unproductive. Obviously it isn't resolved for me though or else I wouldn't have anything to rehash?
My new reasons ...
- I spent an evening and morning watching my friend's kids last week while she and her husband went to an out of town funeral. Her children are lovely and sweet. They had problems sleeping and by morning they were both cuddled up with me in bed. My friend warned me in advance that this is what they do with them. The little boy spent the early morning curled up next to me. I've watched them many times before, but this experience was a new one for me. It made me realize so much more of what we are missing. I could write a whole post on this, but I don't want to relive it any more right now.
- My brother's girlfriend is due to have her baby any second. This makes me excited to be an aunt for the first time. However also tremendously sad. Watching my family's excitement is like a thousand little papercuts. I know they mostly hide their excitement from us to protect us, and that hurts too. F*ck, I wish it was us. I wish it was our turn.
- The reality that we will likely not be able to transfer any embryos (if we make any normals) until June is a real piss off. This wasn't supposed to take this long. This means I bought the stupid bridesmaid dress way too big. If this doesn't work, we will have invested way more time than I ever thought we would in this. Days are dragging on for years and whooshing by all at the same time.
- There have been a rash of Facebook baby announcements. Why do I look at that thing?
- I have no projects and limited activities on the go. In the past, I was working on a degree, on home reno projects, on various things. I've graduated and the home reno budget is drying up.
- I'm really missing my friends and feeling lonely these days. Oh, wait. That's not new.
- I'm feeling very disconnected spiritually. As in, I like the church, and still want to go but something is missing.
My old reasons...
- I'm tired of complaining to D. I hate bringing him down. He just wants me to be happy and I just can't.
- I'm sick just thinking of the money we are about to spend on these upcoming procedures. If this doesn't work and it all is flushed down the toilet...
- Side note: D says I have a guilt-problem. He says that I feel guilty for too much stuff and I should just let it go. We've been dealt a bad hand with this IF and we shouldn't feel bad about spending the money or not being as productive as we would like. I asked him, "aren't we supposed to rise up when faced with adversity?" he said, "that's something that mostly just happens in books". Hmm. Not so sure about that. Something in the middle sounds good.
- I don't think I want to live where I do anymore. I feel disconnected to the town we live in. I want to live closer to my family. I don't want to leave my best friend, and I feel guilty (there it is again) about separating D from his parents. Some days I would leave in a second. I day dream about moving away, living in a community that I feel connected to, in a home that we built. With kids in our house... Before we were married I told him that I didn't know if I could live here forever. That was nine years ago. He said he would move and still does. However his employment situation and future plans may not lend itself to that very well. During really confusing days (like today) I wonder if the grass isn't really any greener over there anyways.
- I need to find some purpose with my life. This could mean going back to work but I have no idea what I would do.
