Part of our IF journey has included adopting embryos. This week, I am reminded of this part of our
journey because we recently visited with the woman from whom we adopted
embryos.
We learned about open adoption during our home-study
process. We felt that it would be best
for our children if they had access to their genetic family. We felt in our hearts that people aren’t
limited in the loving relationships they can have. We took a leap of faith and trusted that the
children would benefit from an honest and open explanation around the loving
way they came into the world. We wanted
them to be able to have their questions answered by their genetic family if and
when the time arose.
From a parenting perspective, we felt that it would be
easier on us not to do this. We
personally did not want any connection with the genetic family, other than to
express our gratefulness to them for the gift they gave to us. We felt our lives would be easier if we
didn’t have to “manage” a relationship with them. Or, so I thought.
Two years ago, we were chosen to adopt their 6
embryos. They wanted to meet with us in
person before finalizing our match. The
couple traveled four hours by plane with their biological daughter. We spent a weekend together that
coincidentally fell on statutory holiday called “Family Day” in the province
that we live.
I stressed like I have never done before in preparing for
their visit. Stressed as in
clean-every-closet-and-redo-the-spare-bedroom-including-the-paint kind of
stress. I had many freakouts on my
husband and had insomnia every night. It
was an anxious person’s worst nightmare, to host the couple that held your
dreams in their hand.
They came, and were gracious guests. They came to church with us and we showed
them around our city. They told us that
they enjoyed their time in our home. At
the end of our time together, she cried when she told us that they wanted to
give their embryos to us. They said
never expected to be in a position to help another couple with infertility, but
they wanted to pay it forward. They had
a child from adoption and one from surrogacy and had received a lot of help in
building their beautiful family.
We were happy and excited that they chose us. It was the second time we had been matched
with a donor couple. The first had not
wanted any contact with us. So this was
a very different experience for us.
A lot has happened in the two years since they chose us as
their match. We were fortunate that all
six of the embryos survived the thaw, and we transferred them two at a
time. The final two resulted in a twin
pregnancy, which sadly ended at 8 weeks.
Finding out we were pregnant was a wonderful time that
didn’t last nearly long enough. The fact
that I was pregnant made the embryo adoption process feel
“real” to us in a way that it didn’t previously. One of my first thoughts after learning that I
was pregnant was that I would know the donor couple for the rest of my
life. It was an overwhelming time.
In the time that has passed, the donor family and I have
kept in touch. She has turned out to be
an especially wonderful blessing to us.
She has become our biggest cheerleader in our infertility journey,
having been through a tremendous amount herself. She has shown me that she is not afraid to be
present within someone else’s grief. She
has shown me love and support in a way that I have not experienced from my own
friends and family. For me, five years
into this IF journey, there is a depth of grief that I only feel comfortable
sharing another person who has experienced infertility. She has turned into that person for me.
When we visited their state for a vacation last spring, we
spent a weekend with them and had a lovely time. We spent time with their children in their beautiful
home. It was the start of our
relationship as friends.
This past weekend, she was visiting a friend nearby. We invited her to come spend a couple days
with us as well. We had a wonderful visit. While I wondered if she was still analyzing
us, even if it was to a much lesser degree (I think I would be?), it felt like
genuine friendship.
When she left, she left two beautiful cards. One thanking us for our hospitality and
another cheering us along in our IF journey.
Along with a nice personal message it said:
I believe in mind over matter.
I believe in miracles and blessings both great and small.
I believe that hurdles in life are meant to be jumped over, not as
something to stop us.
I believe in possibilities.
I believe in the human spirit.
I believe in you.
She encouraged us to keep working towards realizing our
dreams, and said that they will be that much sweeter when they finally come
true.
It tears me up to read this.
I had a great time with her, and I genuinely like her and think she’s a wonderful
person. She has been one of my biggest
blessings along this IF path. She gave
us the chance to become parents - a wonderful and awesome gift. She also gave us the gift of support and friendship. For all of these things, I am grateful.
It feels ironic now that I entered the relationship thinking
only benefit would be for our children, when the real blessing has been bestowed
upon us.
