My Little Space

I'm thankful for my tiny little corner in cyber space.  Today is my 50th post.  Writing is helping me process a back log of emotions.  Your comments help give me perspective and something nice to read in my inbox.  Thank you for the love.  <3.

I stayed in my funk all day yesterday, barely making it to my evening commitment.  I felt funny even going out because my eyes were puffy from the tears and my head was still very cloudy. 

Yesterday, D and I spent some time just sitting.  It took me a while to realize it, but I told him that I was feeling really lame.  Lame because I don't have anything more going on in my life.  Lame because I'm feeling lonely.   He told me that I'm not lame, I'm just broken from all of this, and there's a big difference.  This is something that is still resonating with me today, so I must have needed to hear it. God, I love this man. 

After yesterday, I'm realizing that where we are living is increasingly problematic for me.  I am craving having my little space in the world where I know I will be for a long time.  A place where I fix my house without thinking about resale.  A place where plan to be a part of the community around me.   D and I haven't had a recent discussion on this.  I'm not looking forward to it. 

In the back of my head I know I want to leave.  I'm also terrified wondering if it would be the right choice for us.  The indecision is frustrating.  On days that I want to leave, I don't feel like putting the energy into putting anymore roots down here.  Like I don't want to start something new. I know that some of that thinking comes from feeling depressed.   But part of it is real too.   

The guilt that I feel for even thinking about moving away from D's parents is stifling.   They've been good to us.  The exact reason why I would want to go, would be D's reason to want to stay.  It's a hard thing to balance. Moving feels like putting my needs above his.   I wonder if this is all just some weird IF side effect.  That if we had children right now if we would be so happily distracted that I wouldn't even think twice about it. 

A Hot Mess

That's what I've been the past day or so.  Yesterday I could feel something coming on, a mood that wouldn't lift.  It's been threatening to come for a few weeks now, but I kept trying to send it packing.

A few small things happened and, bam.  I'm crying at the dinner table again.  Preceded and followed by a hefty dose of the why-me's. 

I'm trying to process what this funk is all about, and I think I have a few reasons.  Some are new.  Some aren't. 

I'm sick of rehashing old crap.  Over and over again without any different resolution. It's exhausting. And unproductive.   Obviously it isn't resolved for me though or else I wouldn't have anything to rehash?

My new reasons ...

-  I spent an evening and morning watching my friend's kids last week while she and her husband went to an out of town funeral.  Her children are lovely and sweet.  They had problems sleeping and by morning they were both cuddled up with me in bed.  My friend warned me in advance that this is what they do with them.  The little boy spent the early morning curled up next to me.  I've watched them many times before, but this experience was a new one for me.  It made me realize so much more of what we are missing.  I could write a whole post on this, but I don't want to relive it any more right now.  

- My brother's girlfriend is due to have her baby any second.   This makes me excited to be an aunt for the first time.  However also tremendously sad.  Watching my family's excitement is like a thousand little papercuts. I know they mostly hide their excitement from us to protect us, and that hurts too.  F*ck,  I wish it was us. I wish it was our turn.

- The reality that we will likely not be able to transfer any embryos (if we make any normals) until June is a real piss off.   This wasn't supposed to take this long.   This means I bought the stupid bridesmaid dress way too big.  If this doesn't work, we will have invested way more time than I ever thought we would in this.   Days are dragging on for years and whooshing by all at the same time.

- There have been a rash of Facebook baby announcements.  Why do I look at that thing?

- I have no projects and limited activities on the go.  In the past, I was working on a degree, on home reno projects, on various things.  I've graduated and the home reno budget is drying up.

- I'm really missing my friends and feeling lonely these days.  Oh, wait.  That's not new.

- I'm feeling very disconnected spiritually.  As in, I like the church, and still want to go but something is missing.

My old reasons...

- I'm tired of complaining to D.   I hate bringing him down.  He just wants me to be happy and I just can't.

- I'm sick just thinking of the money we are about to spend on these upcoming procedures.  If this doesn't work and it all is flushed down the toilet...

- Side note: D says I have a guilt-problem.  He says that I feel guilty for too much stuff and I should just let it go.  We've been dealt a bad hand with this IF and we shouldn't feel bad about spending the money or not being as productive as we would like.   I asked him, "aren't we supposed to rise up when faced with adversity?" he said, "that's something that mostly just happens in books".  Hmm.  Not so sure about that.  Something in the middle sounds good.

- I don't think I want to live where I do anymore.  I feel disconnected to the town we live in.  I want to live closer to my family.  I don't want to leave my best friend, and I feel guilty (there it is again) about separating D from his parents.  Some days I would leave in a second.  I day dream about moving away, living in a community that I feel connected to, in a home that we built.  With kids in our house... Before we were married I told him that I didn't know if I could live here forever.  That was nine years ago.  He said he would move and still does.  However his employment situation and future plans may not lend itself to that very well.  During really confusing days (like today) I wonder if the grass isn't really any greener over there anyways.

- I need to find some purpose with my life.  This could mean going back to work but I have no idea what I would do.  

2nd Consult and a guilty conscience

Over the Christmas break we had a consult with Dr. Schoolie.  I was very nervous about it, because it was initiated by the doctor.  I found this to be unsettling considering we had been happily corresponding through the nurses, and I thought everything we had discussed was resolved.

The key issue we were debating was whether or not to a) pursue the laproscopy and tubal ligation b) if it could be done in the country in which I live (because we have socialized medicine) and c) if the opinions of the doctors would be similar enough and therefore yield the same result.

I was worried that there was a new issue that the doctor had found.  Something so bad that the nurse didn't feel comfortable telling me herself.   Thankfully, this wasn't the case.  He just wanted to regroup.  I guess we had asked so many questions that he wanted to speak to us directly.  D thinks he was just tired of the back and forth.

I'm slightly peeved about this because it's not cheap to talk to the doctor each time.  And we felt we had all of our questions answered.  Not to mention the emotional stress of thinking that he had something life altering to tell us.

We didn't waste the opportunity to speak with him though.  We were able to add clarity to the surgical choice we had made to have the procedure.   We also decided where we would have the procedure.  

The doctor we chose at home did not seem overly familiar with requesting the surgery based on the testing we had in our ODWU.   It's kind of ironic now that he was asking us at the time if we trusted him.  Because now I don't really, and that is what this decision has come down to.  We're deep in expenses on this cycle however,  D doesn't think this is the place to try to save money.  There's too much at stake. The tubal ligation will basically depend on a judgement call from the doctor.  I really don't want it if I don't need it.  And the laproscopy could yield important information, that I would rather be viewed by my treating physician.   And a the big one he pointed out, that if things didn't work out and we didn't go with Dr. Schoolie, that we might wonder what-if, effectively ruining our regret management strategy.

It's $4,000 just for the surgery, not including travel.  Boy, I could spend that money in much more fun places.  A trip somewhere warm, a bathroom renovation.  Or, what would be more likely, keep it in the bank for more fertility stuff down the road.

Thinking about the costs of IF treatments have always been uncomfortable.  But now it is really stressing me out. We've slowly flushed the cost of a few vehicles down the drain, and we're about to flush one more.  Instead of flushing used cars we've moved on to flushing the cost of a new SUV.  It's gagging.  Especially as my current vehicle is starting to show it's age with new rattles and noises.

I feel bummed and guilty even complaining about this.  On Resolve.org I've heartbreakingly read about people who can't afford any medical treatment, or much less have the IF testing.  I'm grateful that we are able pursue treatment but it still doesn't take the sting away from paying the bills.  And the absolutely disgusting feeling of knowing the money we are about to flush would provide food to a small orphanage for months.

There's so much guilt tied up in this whole process for me...  Guilt for punishing my body with all of the meds.  Guilt for dragging our families through this.  Guilt for dragging D through this when he was ready to move to adoption a year ago.  Guilt for spending so much money on this.  Guilt for still pursuing a genetic link.  Guilt for wasting so many otherwise good moments on IF.