A Hot Mess

That's what I've been the past day or so.  Yesterday I could feel something coming on, a mood that wouldn't lift.  It's been threatening to come for a few weeks now, but I kept trying to send it packing.

A few small things happened and, bam.  I'm crying at the dinner table again.  Preceded and followed by a hefty dose of the why-me's. 

I'm trying to process what this funk is all about, and I think I have a few reasons.  Some are new.  Some aren't. 

I'm sick of rehashing old crap.  Over and over again without any different resolution. It's exhausting. And unproductive.   Obviously it isn't resolved for me though or else I wouldn't have anything to rehash?

My new reasons ...

-  I spent an evening and morning watching my friend's kids last week while she and her husband went to an out of town funeral.  Her children are lovely and sweet.  They had problems sleeping and by morning they were both cuddled up with me in bed.  My friend warned me in advance that this is what they do with them.  The little boy spent the early morning curled up next to me.  I've watched them many times before, but this experience was a new one for me.  It made me realize so much more of what we are missing.  I could write a whole post on this, but I don't want to relive it any more right now.  

- My brother's girlfriend is due to have her baby any second.   This makes me excited to be an aunt for the first time.  However also tremendously sad.  Watching my family's excitement is like a thousand little papercuts. I know they mostly hide their excitement from us to protect us, and that hurts too.  F*ck,  I wish it was us. I wish it was our turn.

- The reality that we will likely not be able to transfer any embryos (if we make any normals) until June is a real piss off.   This wasn't supposed to take this long.   This means I bought the stupid bridesmaid dress way too big.  If this doesn't work, we will have invested way more time than I ever thought we would in this.   Days are dragging on for years and whooshing by all at the same time.

- There have been a rash of Facebook baby announcements.  Why do I look at that thing?

- I have no projects and limited activities on the go.  In the past, I was working on a degree, on home reno projects, on various things.  I've graduated and the home reno budget is drying up.

- I'm really missing my friends and feeling lonely these days.  Oh, wait.  That's not new.

- I'm feeling very disconnected spiritually.  As in, I like the church, and still want to go but something is missing.

My old reasons...

- I'm tired of complaining to D.   I hate bringing him down.  He just wants me to be happy and I just can't.

- I'm sick just thinking of the money we are about to spend on these upcoming procedures.  If this doesn't work and it all is flushed down the toilet...

- Side note: D says I have a guilt-problem.  He says that I feel guilty for too much stuff and I should just let it go.  We've been dealt a bad hand with this IF and we shouldn't feel bad about spending the money or not being as productive as we would like.   I asked him, "aren't we supposed to rise up when faced with adversity?" he said, "that's something that mostly just happens in books".  Hmm.  Not so sure about that.  Something in the middle sounds good.

- I don't think I want to live where I do anymore.  I feel disconnected to the town we live in.  I want to live closer to my family.  I don't want to leave my best friend, and I feel guilty (there it is again) about separating D from his parents.  Some days I would leave in a second.  I day dream about moving away, living in a community that I feel connected to, in a home that we built.  With kids in our house... Before we were married I told him that I didn't know if I could live here forever.  That was nine years ago.  He said he would move and still does.  However his employment situation and future plans may not lend itself to that very well.  During really confusing days (like today) I wonder if the grass isn't really any greener over there anyways.

- I need to find some purpose with my life.  This could mean going back to work but I have no idea what I would do.  

Uggggh... FB

This stupid article is hanging around my Facebook feed like a bad breakout.  Kind of like what I'm getting from the DHEA supplements.  It keeps popping up, rearing its ugly head.  :(  Thankfully none of my close friends have had the urge to share this.

I don't enjoy either writer's approach to this column.  It lacks understanding and compassion on both sides of things.  However, it still strikes a chord with me - I miss my friends dearly.  I miss being able to call them just to chat.  I miss hanging out with them.  I miss not having to plan something weeks (or months) in advance just so a babysitter can be arranged.  I miss time with them free from their child's interruptions.

I don't call a lot of them anymore because I know I would be interrupting nap time, lunch time, bed time or the five minutes they got that day to themselves.  There never seems to be a good time to stay in touch.  I often wait for them to reach out to me instead.

I can appreciate that being a parent must be exhausting, and overwhelming.  I get that it's the most important job they are doing.  I really do.  That's why I cut my friends some slack.  I don't blame them.  I know they are doing the best they can, balancing parenting with the needs of  their spouses, other friends, and work.

I guess this article bugs me so much because it's a reminder of all of the friends that I've lost to parenthood.   Most of the special ones I still keep in touch with, but it's no where near the same.

If I wrote a letter to an advice columnist (and it wouldn't be this one) it might go like this:

Dear Advice Giver,

My long time friends all have children.  I do not, because I have infertility.

My problem is that I really miss my friends.  They have been very busy having children for several years now (most of them are in their early thirties).    I'm not getting used to it, I'm just getting more lonely.

I've joined classes and met new child-free friends.  But that doesn't take away the hurt of missing my old friends.

I appreciate that they have a lot of other more important demands on their time.   I wish I could participate with them on a lot of the things they do with their kids, but it's just too painful for me.  It reminds me of everything I am missing all in one moment.  I miss not having a child myself.  I miss them, and being able to relate with them about what is going on in each other's lives.

Help.

- Lost and lonely in IF

The little things.

I've been enjoying a little break from all things infertility for the past month or so.  It's nice to not have the hormonal swings, to have to shove yucky pills down my throat, needles in my ass or things up my vagina.

Trying to enjoy the little things in life.

Last night was Halloween.  The door to door trick or treaters and Facebook updates with cute pictures, was even enough to bother D.  I still enjoyed it but wonder what it would be like to experience it all as a parent.  Hopefully one day!

When my waterline is high

It took me a long time to figure this out.  But now that I have it has opened up a lot of new information for me.

I've been noticing that when my emotional waterline is high to do with IF, everything else seems a lot less manageable.  My house starts to look like a disaster.  I'm more snappy with D.  Things that I would normally let slide stick.   I try to control these feelings, but I'm an internalizer.  So this means that I just end up swallowing them.  And this strategy mostly comes back at me like a boomerang. 

Today I'm getting two of my wisdom teeth extracted.  And I can actually feel the anxiety kicking in.   And yesterday was worse.   

I'm not sure how to lower this waterline.  I need to find a new coping mechanism.   I think the internet (Facebook, Pinterest and email) are my biggest coping mechanism.  But the problem is that Facebook and Pinterest are also big triggers. 

I need to find something new.