Friends and family, and miscarriage symptoms.

Friends and Family

I talked here about how we were doing things a little differently this cycle by telling more people about our cycle.  This has meant that we've had to tell people about our miscarriage too.

I am glad that I did this.  I think it's given our chosen ones a bigger glimpse into what infertility has been like for us.

The texts and phone calls that we have received from them have been really helpful.  Yes, I did bawl when I told them, and I bawl when they send me their condolences.

I don't think there is anything anyone can say that will make us feel better, but it helps to know that people understand a little bit more of what we are going through.  Infertility and loss has been a very lonely place.

Feeling isolated from our friends and family has been a huge part of our infertility journey.   I struggle with feelings of anger towards some of our so-called closer friends and family members who have never really asked or tried to get what infertility has been like for us.  I haven't wanted to burden them in the past, so I never pressed for a conversation.  For some reason- probably because this has gone on so long, and become so painful, now I feel differently.

Today, I don't regret sharing with them.  And to those who have not responded as we would have hoped, it stings, but I just make a mental note about it.  I won't include them as much on our next go around, whatever that might be.   I've done that with a couple of people in past cycles already.  One sadly, was my aunt who had a daughter via egg and sperm donor.  It would have been nice to have her for her support, but it became obvious that she wasn't able to give any.  Another one of those relationships was with my sister, but I chose to fight for that one because I thought there was potential.  And because she's my sister.  After our talk, she's been a lot more supportive.

It felt like the weak thing to do by asking for what I needed from her, but now it feels like I did the strong thing. If that makes any sense.

When asked how I am doing, I describe what happened in some form of saying, "a lot of salt in an already large wound".  I think it describes how we are feeling quite well.

What has been a little awkward for me is in a strange way, is getting what I've asked for.

Written (texted) communication is easier for me.  I can plan what I want to say.  I suppose I can be more controlled, in an uncontrolled way.  I can bawl my face off writing the response, but still say what I want to say.   I don't think I could do that face to face, I usually just shut down, giving people this impression that I am "so strong", which is not what I want at all.

Some people have called and offered to drop by.  For now, I've politely refused those contacts.  I don't know if I'm trying to spare them? Or if I'm scared of what might happen if I do talk to them.  Probably more of the latter.  In the last couple of days, I am sure I could not have made coherent sentences, but would have just cried uncontrollably.  Today, maybe I could.  I don't know.  I'll have to think about it.

It's a little bit weird to have shared with them but I think I am glad that I did.

Physical Miscarriage Symptoms:
- This morning I awoke to some peach coloured discharge. I haven't had a drop of spotting this entire pregnancy.  

- I have a heavy feeling in my uterus, but that feeling isn't exactly new. 

- I'm exhaused all of the time. 

- I still feel sick when I'm getting hungry, but I mostly don't have an appetite.

Video

I've been reading some poems and watching youtube videos (mostly music) on miscarriage.  They help get my tears out.  Here's one from Beyonce that is surprisingly touching to me. 

PS) I'm on my way to church this morning.  Only because I have an obligation that I can't shirk.  No one there knows about the miscarriage.  There has been something huge brewing for me in the religious/spirituality department over the past year.  I haven't written about it much, but I think it could be time soon. 

Decision on the sister problem

Thank you for your comments.  I've listened to Hubs,  a couple friends, and your comments and I've decided not to say anything to my sister.

If the conversation comes up, the only thing I'm allowing myself is to discuss the possibility of becoming one type of nurse over another.  The kind that requires less training and involves less risk in the job.  Basically, I'm hoping that maybe being that type of nurse could maybe work out?  I still am afraid for her, but I have to trust that this will all work out.  I don't really see another alternative.  

I don't have the kind of relationship with her that I could bring anything up else in a good way.  Really, I don't think anyone else in her life could either.  It would hurt her.  I'm hoping that along the way, she may discover a perhaps slightly different, but still meaningful path.

Sister's choice

Do you have someone in your life that you worry about a little too much?  That you want to grab by the shoulders and steer them in one direction when they are going in another?

That person in my life is my sister.

Last night she updated me on some major life changes.

The first thing was that she and her boyfriend of 2.5 years (whom she lives with) are breaking up.

She says they don't love each other anymore.   She's struggled with thinking this few times in the past.  She's always fallen for  bad boys, who don't treat her well, and this one didn't fit that mould.  It took her time to get used to all of his kind actions and thoughtfulness, so she stuck it out.

Sadly though, she says it's just not going to work.  I really liked him, and them together, but I believe her, and I support her.

What stuck me as odd, was when she told me, her affect was completely flat.  She said she's been down this road before.  That's she's disappointed, but that's it.   They are still going to live together for the foreseeable further.  That she's going to move into the spare bedroom, and because they work opposite shifts, they think they can live together and maintain their friendship.   She says things are friendly between them.  That neither of them can afford to move anywhere else for the time being.

She also told me that she was finally giving up on her career as a teacher.  She's been thinking of leaving teaching for a long time.  She's been trying for 10 years to get into a full time position without success, and is burnt out.  In the area we live, it is not uncommon for teachers to do years of supply work and/or short-term/long-term placements before finding their permanent spot.  There is an a saturation of teachers in the market,  and unfortunately, not much demand for them.

For her, this journey has been especially long, because in the middle of it, she had a massive stroke and spent three (+) years rehabilitating.

She told me that she's met with a college guidance counsellor and wants to go back to school for nursing instead.   She says she considered this as a career path out of high school, but chose teaching instead.  She likes the money prospects, and that there is demand for the job.  She says the job is a job, and that there are probably parts of every job that suck.   She knows it will be stressful, but so was teaching.

I am supportive of her leaving the teaching profession because she's lost her passion for it.   The prospects are not strong for her to get employment anytime soon.  She only wants to do the job the way she always did it (pre-stroke) and does not make accommodations to how she works to compensate for some of the disabilities she has because of her stroke.  She insisted on going back to teaching very soon after her stroke, and got in over her head,  leading to some difficulties.  I think her reputation in teaching has been tarnished because of this.

I am very supportive of her choice to change careers and I truly admire her tenacity.  Life has not handed her an easy path.   Doctors never thought she would use her arm again after her stroke, or probably drive a car, or do many of the things that she has accomplished.  She has defied them all.  She is one of the most determined people I've ever met.

I think a fresh start will be good for her.  I want her to have a work environment where her many gifts can shine.  Where she can be successful, and can earn a stable living.   She is one of the most caring and giving people that I have ever met.  She would truly give you the shirt off her back, even if she didn't have another one for herself.  She has a way of putting people at ease.  She has a great sense of humour and is really good at reading people.  Her stroke has given her insights into living with disabilities, and recovering from them.

However, I am very worried about her choosing nursing.  I feel mean saying this, but I honestly know that she would majorly struggle as a nurse.  I am scared that she could really hurt someone accidentally.

Her stroke affected a major part of her frontal lobe.  It has left her with impairments to her working memory and multitasking is very difficult for her.   Her visual processing is delayed.  She needs more sleep and regular sleep than the average person because of her brain injury.   She doesn't pay attention to details. Most people do not know about the impairments she has from her stroke.  They are not things that people would notice right away.

It worries me immensely to think about her going down this path.

Last night my MIL called, and we told her about all that had happened with my sister.  She said that we just have to support her.  That hopefully the education system will weed her out and she will not be successful.   Deep down, I know we should support her.  Which is why I didn't say anything negative to her, but just asked questions when she told me her news.   But I can't bring myself to be excited for her about this change - it feels like lying.

Watching her spend her life savings on another education, and face another failure gives me gut rot.   Seeing her in a nursing position would give me even more.  (Unless, maybe she was able to get a position in a public health setting or something of the sort.   Maybe that could work out, but as I've heard from my cousin in the field, those jobs are very hard to come by.  And... knowing my sister, she would go for the job with the highest pay, and not the one that necessarily matched her skills).

As we ended our phone call, she told me, "I just want to go back to school and do this the hard way.  I want to prove to everyone that I'm still the same person.  That I can do this".

It all breaks my heart.

What do you think I should do? Be supportive and shut up? Or find another way?

PS) In the past when she was discussing nursing as a profession, I shared some of what my nursing friends shared with me as the downfalls.   We've also discussed other professional options.  She just doesn't seem interested in them.

Working through another checklist and sisters

We're working our way through another checklist in an effort to get cleared by CCRM to choose a donor.

Part of me is annoyed that a lot of the testing we've had once, twice or eight million times before.  Oh, and paid the bills that many times too.   I'm hoping some of the things they've asked us to do is because our new donor nurse has overlooked some of the tests in our file.  But really, I feel like I'm done with having tests in general.  I'm sure all of you IFers feel the same way.

One of the things we checked off our list yesterday was our psych consult.  I think we passed it with flying colours, having gone through the embryo adoption process before.  I'm glad that is over with.  The psychologist was very nice.

The one lingering decision for us is around openness/contact with the donor.  D doesn't care if we have contact.  He things that we've been through enough and we just need to move on and not make every step we take perfect.   I feel the same way too, but potentially, I think this is too important to overlook.

I want this door to remain open for our (hopefully) one day child.  I personally don't have a desire to maintain a relationship with the donor, but I do want the option there for our child to reach out to her one day.  For whatever reason, to ask medical questions, or to help sort out some identity questions.  I think it's important.  I recognize that we may have a kid that doesn't care.  But we might also have one that does. Which is why I want the door left open for contact from us.

This part of CCRM's database I find underwhelming.  The nurses have access to whether donors have chosen to be "identity disclosed" as they put it.  But you have to specifically ask for that information with each donor.  To complicate things, right now their database of caucasian donors is surprisingly slim.  (While I would be open to parenting a non-caucasion child through adoption, I think it creates too many questions to be give birth to a child that is not caucasian when both D and I are.)

So I'm left pondering if an agency donor is a smarter choice for us, because there would be more options for openness.  As an added bonus, you can sometimes see a picture of the donor as an adult, which would be nice (but not necessary).   On the other hand, CCRM does have this really nice egg vitrification donor program, where you can get eggs that are already frozen.  That would takes a lot of stress out of things knowing that the eggs are already there, and we wouldn't find a donor that isn't fertile.  We don't want to push our luck with this anymore than we already are.  We see 'egg vit' donors as one less thing to worry about.   Decisions, decisions, decisions.

On a different note, I want to say that I really, genuinely appreciate your support here.  The support in my real world life has been not what I have needed lately.

This is a time where I really feel I need extra support.  These feel like a huge decisions.  And if I'm being real, I'm mourning.  The loss of my genetics is a big loss for me.  It's a loss that I didn't anticipate having to mourn twice in my life.  And you know what? I'm not sure it got much easier the second time around.  I just know what to expect this time.

My sisters in particular have let me down with their support.  I had a talk with D about it.  The one sister is busy starting a new job.  So I get it, she's busy.  But the other sister knows how this process has been so far.  She came to CO with me (which I appreciate tremendously), but afterwards it's been silence from her.  I texted her to let her know the outcome of our embryo testing and IVF.  She sent me a heart and said "that's me sending you my love".  She's a social worker/addictions councillor.  I feel really let down by this.  I move between feeling like I should just be grateful for what she's able to give, and pissed.   This is a huge deal for us.

I also know that if I reach out to her and/or tell her about how I feel about this, that any support she gives me afterwards will feel hollow.  So I keep my mouth shut.  But I find myself feeling resentful and I don't like that either.  What should I do?

So, I come to you, friends.  And for that I truly am grateful.  You are here listening patiently and lovingly. And offering your support and words of advice.  Thank you.

The wedding and baseline check.

I'm noticing a connection to my life and this blog.  And while I hate to admit it, I only really seem to have the desire to post when something heavy is laying on my heart.   When I'm feeling good it's when things are busy.  The two are not unrelated I'm sure.  But today is different folks.

The wedding has come and gone.  D & I secretly had an over/under bet going on how many major dramatic events might happen between members of the wedding party in the few days leading up to the wedding and on the wedding day  there would be.   A dramatic event would be something along the lines of a fight, tears, fiasco, things like that.  The number we settled on for the over/under was 10.  (Now, what does that number say about them? Haha)

We both made our bets.  And over won! Afterwards, D says he took over.  But I thought I did too.  I think we had a miscommunication, but don't care because to me it's still funny. 

Some of the dramatic events were things like when the mother of the bride brought the wedding cake for the bride to see the night before the wedding.  The bride got upset and locked herself in her room for an hour, after which the groom and the maid of honour had to come over to straighten things out.   She ordered the cake a week before from a lady known to the family who was not in the business of making wedding cakes.   What she got kind of looked like what you might expect from that type of scenario.  A nice looking homemade cake, but nothing spectacular. 

When the dramatic events unfolded I did my best to help smooth things over, or I just kept my mouth shut depending on the situation.  I told my self "not my wedding" to avoid getting annoyed and all was well.  It was a lot more fun that way.

I decided to forget about all of the drama, and the infertility treatment and just enjoy the process of getting all dolled up.  I pretended that I was going to prom for 30 year olds.  I got my hair and make up done, toes and fingers.  Ooh, and I even some fake eyelashes for the wedding which was fun too.  

The party part of the wedding was lots of fun, and I really had a nice time.  Best of all I knew that all of our commitments for this wedding were over - yay! 

Now, a couple of weeks later, time has flown by and I have already started my next cycle.  I went for baseline supression check and to my amazement the cyst was gone!!! Yay!!! Happy dance.   My blood work came in where they wanted it which means that I AM GOING TO COLORADO FOLKS!!! 

I'm super pumped about this and I'm trying not to let myself think any negative thoughts about if this doesn't work.  I'm sure there will be plenty of time to feel bad about things later if it doesn't go well. 

My aunt was going to travel with me but unfortunately had an unexpected medical problem to help my Grandmother with.   After having a nice long chat with my other grandmother (the one who lost her husband this spring), I thought that it might be a nice thing for the two of us to do together.  So I asked her to come with me.  I was a little hesitant about what it might be like, but decided to just ask her and hope for the best.   She couldn't go, but my Mom tells me that she was tickled by it and it made her day to be asked. 

I asked a friend to come, but she was busy.  Then I asked my sister.  I knew she had some plans, but thought "ah, what the heck".  And she said yes!!!  We decided that we should also include my other sister.  While I thought for sure she wouldn't be able to go because she is taking a course, it turns out that she is free to and is going to go! 

It has all worked out fantastically, and I'm super excited about it now.  My sisters are coming for the first 6 days.  D will stay home and work.  Then my sisters will fly out and D will fly in all on the same day.  

We'll get to do a few day trips that are close by to the clinic in our rental car.  For any of you who have been there, I'd love to hear what you enjoyed doing near the Denver/Lonetree area?  I know for sure I would like to go see the Garden of the Gods. 

I won't be able to update easily while I'm gone but will fill you all in when I get back! 

Cheers!

PS) There is a small chance that this cycle could still get canceled on Friday when I have my last u/s and blood before I go to CO - please think positive thoughts for me on this! Although at this point with all of the flights booked for my sisters I think I'm going either way! 

Sister Risk

Australia's Three Sisters

Point one: I have two sisters.  One is 28, the other one (whom I wrote about in my last post) is 31.

Point two:  My first FSH test was at age 28, and it was a detestable 24.

Point three:  Doctors have told me that there is a 1/3 chance that my sisters will have this life sucking hog that is known as diminished ovarian reserve.

Point four: I shared points two and three with them with them several years ago.

Point five: My mother had five children before she was 31.  A few of us were conceived due to the failure of various birth control methods.   My mother confided in me that she was on the pill for the first two months of her pregnancy with me.  She didn't know she was pregnant.   She questions whether the hormones affected my reproductive development.  I  hope this is actually what happened, because it means that my sisters would not share the risk of premature ovarian failure.

Point six:  My mother went on to experience full menopause at relatively early, at age 47.  I have read there is a link to mother's menopause and her daughter's infertility.  It was one of the questions on the CCRM intake package.

Point seven: My sisters menstrual cycles are eerily familiar to my own.  They are irregular with several days of spotting before and after their period.

Point eight:  I'm pretty sure I that their biological clocks tick louder in my ears than theirs.

This is very annoying for me on many levels.   First, I'm annoyed that I am butting my nose into their business.  Second, I'm annoyed that my 28 year old sister doesn't seem to be worried about it.  I completely understand why my 31 year old sister is not looking to start a family.  She's still getting her life back in order after her stroke.

My youngest sister has lived with her boyfriend for three years.  They both have stable jobs and know that they "one day" want to have kids.   I don't ask her questions about when she is going to have babies or get married.   I know better than that.  I know how that insensitivity feels first hand.

At Christmas however, she brought up the topic!  I ferociously bit my tongue and tried my best not to cut her off and blurt out a bunch of loud shrieks and grunts that would somewhat resemble "FSH-AMH-TICK-TOCK-IVF-POAS-AHHHH!! MUST MAKE BABIES NOW!!".

She told me that they have things to work on in their relationship before they make the commitment of marriage and kids.  I totally get that.  It's the responsible, level headed thing to do.

This sister does everything in her own time.  She never rushes through much.  Things that would stress out other people don't stress her out.  Her job is dealing with other people's stressful life situations.   She has been known to come into town to visit our family from hours away and not make arrangements about whose house she is staying at.  Things just roll off her back.  It's one of her best qualities.  But it's also kind of annoying.

I don't think though that she understands how devastating our diagnosis of IF has been.  I don't think she has a clue about how much things can cost.  I think maybe I have bit my tongue too much - I don't think she understands the risk.  Emotionally, financially.  How could she?  She hasn't lived it and she only knows the high-level details of our treatments.  If she really knew what IF was like, she'd run from it as fast as she can.

I feel frustrated with myself.  I don't want her clock ticking in my ear too.  I have enough fertility problems to worry about, I don't need to invent(?) some for her too.

What Does God Have to Do With This IF Hell? Pt 1

There's a "God" question keeps haunting me. A pesky, annoying little thought that circles my brain in my quietest moments.  Kind of like a song that gets stuck in your head, but it's been hanging around for a years now in a few different variations.

A lot of times it shows up as "Why me?" or on my more hormonal days "What the F*$%, universe?", one way or another though, it somehow boils down to "What does God have to do with this IF hell we are experiencing?"

Thinking about this is kind of tiresome.  And sometimes boring. I wish I could just forget it and move on with things.    The easy answers in my mind are "everything" or "nothing".   And, for the biggest portion of my life, I tried on the "nothing" shoe.   I wore it around, trying to live a good and productive life, but it never quite fit me right.

Four years ago,  I was granted a year long leave of absence from my career.  One of the things I wanted to do was to with my time, was to try on the other shoe.  I wanted to learn a little more about religion and spirituality, if nothing more than as a neat social experiment where I got to understand some of my fellow humans a bit better.   I felt like this "God thing" is a big deal, possibly having implications beyond this life.  I wanted to figure out what I believed, one way or another.   A big part of me wanted to read a few things, decide it was all bunk and continue  on living my life, happily wearing my "nothing" shoe.

My plan was to visit different churches and if they were interesting, research their over-arching values.  I didn't want to find something that felt like a fit, only to find that I couldn't stomach their values on a particular topic.  This is what happened to me in my childhood and adolescence.

The first church we went to I surprisingly liked.  It was vastly different than any other church experience that I had ever had.  First, there were people that didn't have just white or grey hair.  It was uplifting, thoughtful, had good music and dare I say... almost fun.    We started getting to know people, and their values.    I would describe the congregation and leadership as current, grounded and open minded.  We really liked it and decided to stay a while.

Early on in our experiences with the church and becoming more spiritual in general, some major things happened.  On the day that we were scheduled to have our first IVF, my sister had a massive stroke.  I just started to feel a bit of peace with some of my "God stuff".  The stroke and a few other oddly coincidental occurrences in my life, started to feel almost .... planned.   I had just left my professional career that I once devoted most of my life to (where I was a borderline workaholic), and boom, 6 months later, I was thrust into caring for my sister full time.

I started putting the "everything" shoe on more and more and toying with the idea that everything happens for a reason.  Admittedly, it wasn't a perfect fit.  I couldn't wrap my brain around to factor in free will, something mentioned in the bible quite a few times from what I've learned.  I tried to talk myself through God handing out punishments, like a parent does for a child.  In a loving, purposeful way.

I didn't share it, but I found comfort in these thoughts for quite some time.  I felt like maybe the reason why we had experienced IF was because I was meant to care for my sister?  There was no one else in our family that was able to devote themselves to her recovery in the way that I was.  Her care was in a large city and was several hours from where everyone lived.   Everyone else had work and other conflicting commitments, except for me.

Maybe her life was headed down some terrible path that was completely unforeseeable?  Maybe this stroke was a way of God pushing "reset" on her life (and mine?)

Caring for her gave me a sense of purpose like I had not experienced before.  Our mother had a hard time dealing with her recent divorce from our Dad and she wasn't able to be there for us emotionally.   And so, for a couple of years my relationship with my sister morphed into to more of a parent-child relationship.   I secretly wondered if this new found sense of purpose was a little bit of how parenting might feel?

Her stroke was one of the most challenging things I have ever been through.  It stands there along side the long lasting grief surrounding our infertility and miscarriages.    Immediately after her stroke she had no mobility in her arm and reduced mobility in her leg.  She lost one quarter of her vision and had had cognitive impairments that she was unable to recognize.  Watching therapists delicately point them out to her was gut wrenching.   The depression that she experienced before the stroke penetrated much deeper, and got to frightening levels.

It still chokes me up to think about the "hand she was dealt" and it's been three and a half years.  I watched as almost every part of her life was stripped away; her independence as her livelihood and driver's license was revoked, her appearance (including having half of her skull temporarily removed to stop life threatening swelling in her brain), having a lifeless arm hanging off of her body.  Her social life mostly disappeared  as as her "friends" quietly faded away and her extra curricular activities turned into time spent in therapy.   In her once budding career as a teacher, she now would face huge challenges to perform tasks that were once ordinary for her.

I watched her fight tooth and nail.  At the beginning, by staring at her fingers for hours.  Her therapists suggested using visualization techniques to assist her brain to build a detour around the dead spot in her brain.  Weeks into her recovery, her thumb twitched for the first time.    Every.single.part of her recovery seemed to be equally hard won.   Watching her do it was one of the most difficult things (I hope) I'll ever witness, but also one of the most amazing.

The doctors say that she won a good lottery and a bad one.  Bad that this awful thing happened to her, and there was no cure, because that they could find the cause.  It was just a "random event" they said.  Good in that she was able to recover better than any of her doctors would have predicted.    Today she has her drivers licence, can move her arm and hand with almost a full range of motion.  She has been supply teaching, and has a new supportive and wonderful boyfriend.

Thinking that this happened for a reason helped me to help her.  It helped me patient with her, and support her when I thought I had nothing left to give.

The crisis faded, and we both moved back into our own realities.   We resumed our fertility treatments after a year long hiatus.  Two subsequent miscarriages on top of the grief we had already experienced rocked us.   I began thinking of things like why little babies, who could have not possibly done anything wrong could be born into horrible circumstances.  What could that baby have possibly done wrong?  What kind of God would do that?   Not a God that I wanted anything to do with.  My "everything" shoe began to come loose.

.....

(I never intended this post to be so long... or about this... It's funny how for me blogging has a way of lifting something off my heart that I didn't know was sitting so close to the surface.  I've run out of time today.  To be continued...