Randomness: cycle update, a friendship story, and not-so-sexy time

Yesterday's results:

Lining - 9.6mm (they wanted over 7.5mm).
Estrogen - 767 (they wanted over 300).
Progesterone - 0.2 (they wanted low so this is good).

I am so happy about these numbers! I'm breathing a sigh of relief.   Sort of.

In my very next breath I also realize I'm feeling more anxiety starting to creep in.  What if this all doesn't work out?  I'm trying not to let my mind go there.  Yet - I know it will be hard to stop it, especially during my 2WW.

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A couple of days ago, I had a conversation with my best friend that left me feeling a little flat.  On one hand, I feel like it was nothing.  On the other hand, I'm feeling slightly annoyed and misunderstood, and surprised that I'm feeling this way.

The conversation we had was about our home study.

At the last minute, our social worker (SW) was debating if she needed to add something to our report that I feel is unnecessary.  It would require at least two days of her time and a lot of mileage and other expenses.  It would result in a delay in finishing our update.  This update has been dragging out since the end of October, a much longer timeframe than was originally promised.  We're ready for it to be completed.

The SW wants to go visit our cottage to do a safety check.

At first, when she announced this,  I thought she was joking about needing a vacation.  So I said, "Sure! Come anytime, you're always welcome!".  Then, she told me she would call the Ministry to see what their requirements are.  She told me to hope that she got a particular person on the phone instead of her more strict coworker, who would definitely say a visit was required.  Ummm.  Okay? Not joking.

That was a week ago and I haven't heard anything more on the topic.  I don't even feel like bringing it up again, secretly hoping she'll forget.

If she decided to complete the visit, (and I don't figure out a way to get out of it), we would ask her to stay with us overnight.  This would be due to the distance, and location.  And to be nice.  I think she would accept the offer.  The silver lining of doing this might be that she may get to know us better and think of us more readily for any suitable adoption matches that cross her desk.

When I write that out it sounds like bribery.  Not trying to bribe.  Just trying see the silver lining.

After telling my friend (a different kind of SW) the story, she stood up for her.  She said that maybe she needed to do it to cover all of her bases in case things had to go before the court.  She didn't find it unreasonable.

Ok.  Valid point, on the courts, I suppose. Maybe I'm just being sensitive.

Then I realized, what I was looking for was to commiserate a little bit about the whole process with my friend.  To be understood.

I feel like this is one more thing to add on top of an already very expensive and lengthy process.  It will be stressful for me to host her, even though she's a very nice lady.  I feel disgruntled that I have to prove myself over and over to get the same privilege that other fertile couples jump in the sack to get.

I feel like it is another invasion of our privacy.  I've already had enough.  I've answered questions like "How often are you intimate?" I'm tired of being judged.  That day, I gave an honest answer of "once or twice a week".  That number is embarrassing for me.  Hearing her ask D, "is that enough for you?" was down right humiliating.  (BTW, D said "yes", what a smart boy).

We're always answering questions but never feeling understood.  I could have elaborated more.  Yes, I'd love to have more sex. I'd love it to be like when we first were together.  However, we've been struggling with a reduced sex drive for a while.  5 years of coping with depression, grief, miscarriages, surgeries, scheduled abstinence for D to "produce a sample", and jamming hormone suppositories into my vagina yielding white or blue goo, has surprisingly, not been the recipe for more sexy time for us.   Go figure.

What I wanted from my friend was for to feel she understands.  I wanted a listening ear.  I wanted the conversation to include a question like "how are you two doing emotionally?"  It's the question I've been waiting to hear, and wanting to answer to almost everyone in my life.

So, instead, I ask myself and give my answer to you kind folks.  Today, I'm frustrated and grateful. Grateful for our test results this far.  And even more grateful for you.  Thank you for being there and listening to me.  This is one of the few places I turn when I'm feeling my most vulnerable.  Thank you so very much.  

Sending love to you.