Dear Newly Diagnosed Self,

There's another little post floating around Facebook that I keep seeing.  It's a post about a childless pregnant person, and what she would tell her pregnant self in hindsight after the baby was born.

It got me thinking.  What would my 5 year veteran IF self tell my newly diagnosed self?  I wouldn't want to scare her with the gory details, but I would want to share a few things. 

Dear Newly Diagnosed Self, 

You won't know how long you'll be at this for, and this will be very hard for you to accept.  I want you to know a few important things about this journey.  

1. This isn't your fault.  

2. You will need to learn how to be extra kind and forgiving to yourself if you can.  You will fall down in this journey.  You are stronger than you know and you will get back up.   

3.  Nurses and receptionists are tremendously important gate keepers of information.  Don't be afraid to communicate with them.  You need them on your team.  Show them some love.  

4.  Connecting online is a wonderful thing.  It's freeing and informative.  When dealing about important stuff, try to find a reliable research based source for your information.  If you can, read a few journal articles.  Even just reading the summaries is better than nothing. 

5.  Don't be scared to share about your IF with your closest friends and family.  While they all won't be supportive in the way that you hope, some of them will.   If you can, tell them what you need.  Because they have no idea.  This is new territory for most of them too. 

6. Get organized.  Keep a copy of your medical file.  Request copies from your practitioner, even if it costs money.  What you learn from reading those reports will be invaluable.  

7.  Don't settle on a doctor because of geography.   Interview doctorS prior to trusting them with your care.  

8.  Research and ask questions.  Make notes of those questions before your appointments.   Why? is a great question to ask your doctor. 

9.  Bring your cell phone to doctor's appointments.  With discretion, record your conversations with your doctors so you can listen to them again at home.  This will reduce your anxiety during the appointment (for fearing that you will forget something they said).  It will allow you to be in the moment and ask better questions.   

10.  Listen to that little voice inside of you.  She knows a thing or two about you. 

11.  Nurture relationships with other IFers, online and in real life.   The people you will meet are the real deal.  Their stories will inspire you and break your heart. 

12.  Be flexible. You might need a plan E, F and G.  Remember your goal is to be a parent.   Don't beat yourself up when you change plans and directions.  Change is a big part of progress. 

13.  Try to be kind and forgiving of your fertile friends.  Think back to what you might be like if you weren't an IFer.   Educate them if you can. 

14. This doesn't mean you should let your fertile friends walk all over you.  Self protection is real and important.  

15. There is a spiritual side of this.  It's confusing as hell. 

16.  This journey will change you, D, and your relationship.   Remember that blessings can come from bad situations. 

17. Therapy is a wonderful luxury.  Use it. 

18.  Remember that there are things you like about being child free and savour them.  Sleeping in on weekends is amazing.    One day you will miss those things. 

What would you tell your newly diagnosed self?

Support

I only talk about fertility stuff with my closest friends and family.  Oh, and sometimes with my hairdresser and dental hygienist. :) The hygienist had twins via egg donor and talking about it makes my appointments go by in the blink of an eye!

In the last month or so,  I've been updating people on our plans with Dr. Schoolie in Colorado.  However, I've been doing something different lately.  I'm telling them, "We don't have many tries left at this.  We are nearing the end of this road.  If this doesn't work, we are moving on to something else.  This might be it".  I leave out the part about what the something else is.  But we are thinking it is going to be egg donation, or traditional adoption.

I'm telling people this because I feel like people think we are crazy for pursing more treatment.  This is our 4th RE, and 5th year at all of this.  And more importantly, because I'm really scared of the emotional fall out from this one.   Seven procedures in,  I now know all too well what the day after a failed procedure (or worse, miscarriage) looks like.  The trend doesn't seem to be my friend.  Our grief is increasing with every cycle.  This is how I know we are nearing the end in all of this.   I can't see us being able to handle much more than we already have.

I think they need to know we are all-in.  That we are approaching new levels with all of this IF stuff.  We aren't wading knee deep in all of this anymore.  We are up to our necks.  Holy shit, this is it.

I've never been good at receiving support from people other than D, and through my online friends.   I hate to blame my parents, but I truly think I was raised not knowing how.   My parents showed zero affection and support to each other and surprise, surprise, ended up divorced.

I never cry in front of other people. It usually takes a lot for me to even cry in front of D.  My sob-fests tend to sneak up on me while driving my car (not the safest, I know) or when I'm home alone.

I find discussing all of our IF stuff to be difficult.  I can tell the facts about what is happening, but I rarely go into how I feel.  People don't ask, and I don't want to be a downer.

I think this is unhealthy.  A therapist once pointed out to me that I don't need to protect them.  And that I don't need to put on a strong front all of the time.    I know she is right.  I've had more than one friend tell me I'm "so strong" in how I deal with all of this IF.   I'm done with this approach.  While I don't want to be a blubbering puddle all of the time,  I want to be able to do it sometimes.   I guess I'm getting to the point where I need to do it.

I don't know how this works.  How do you get and accept support?

All or nothing

When I went to my second therapy appointment a few weeks ago, the therapist asked me if I felt I was an "all or nothing" person.  And well, the resounding answer is yes.   It can be one of my biggest strengths but equally it is one of my most troublesome weaknesses.

I left my job four years ago to figure out this IF stuff, and to catch up on all of the other things in life I had been missing due to being a workaholic. Thoughts of what kind of parent I wanted to be had changed my perspective on what I wanted from my career.  And also what I didn't want; a massively stressful and demanding job.  I also no longer wanted the reward of a job well done;  a promotion that promised more of each of those things, as well as a relocation to a new city.  So, after long discussions with D, I left on a one year sabbatical.  I left thinking I would take the year, get our IF problems mostly figured out and then go back.  Or find something else that I could jump into.   It was an all or nothing solution to our IF problem, and to my career problem.

Four years later, life happened including helping my sister recover from a massive illness.  I permanently left my job.  And now, I'm really feeling the strain of this strategy.   The distraction and joy that comes from a fulfilling career is not a part of my life.

I'm realizing that I do have a part time job, it is managing our IF.  In September, we did a frozen embryo transfer cycle. I counted that I spent over 50 hours that month driving to appointments, going to appointments, and researching IF related things, etc.   I'm grateful for the opportunity to have taken this time off, and I really feel for a lot of the women who write on their blogs and resolve.org talking about how hard it is to manage IF with their careers.   Lately however,  I think that my new job is a lot worse than my old one.  It is becoming very depressing.  I've got nothing to show for all of my work.  Except a lot less money in the bank.

I don't want my old job and I don't want my new one either.  Until I can figure this all out, I remain, as I currently think of myself, a stay at home mom without any kids.