Part 1: Our Adoption Story

For me, there were frequent little showers of tears in the weeks and days before he was born.  Could this really be happening? Is it going to work out? As some of the denial and anxiety lifted, the thought "Am I really going to be a Mama?" slowly moved into thoughts of "I am going to be a Mama!"

There was a lot to do to prepare for his arrival, so his birthday approached quickly.  Wrap up our renovations.  Close the cottage.  Re-establish ourselves at home.  Buy all of the things we need for a nursery. Wrap our heads around how our bad luck in the baby department could finally be changing after seven long years.  Think about parenting and infant development.

The day of his birth, we finished packing a small suitcase of things that he may need at the hospital.  It was strange and exciting looking at the various sized sleepers and onesies, and other items intended for a boy that would become our son.

We then drove a few hours to get to the hospital where he was going to be born.  It felt like D was driving so slow (even though he wasn't).  I was so anxious to get there. 

On our journey, we hoped and prayed that he would make it into this world safely, and that the delivery would be okay for Carla.  We had not heard if she had opted for a vaginal delivery or a c-section.  She had been seriously considering an optional c-section the last we had heard.  

We arrived at the hospital just after Carla had started her medications to begin inducement.

We had been texting Carla a little bit all day, which started out with a message from her saying  "today's the day you're gonna be parents!"  Reading this was so incredible.  She was so happy for us.  We were so happy.

When we arrived at the hosptial, we weren't sure what to expect.  Would she and their families want us nearby or to give them space? There was talk that we may be given a room, but we weren't sure  how that was going to work.  After the birth? Before the birth? Maybe not at all?  We were prepared to camp out in a random waiting room somewhere in the hospital. 

We introduced ourselves and met the hospital social worker and the doctor that was going to be delivering the baby.  The social worker showed us to our room on the maternity floor.  It was a  private room with a twin bed. We were so grateful to have a place to put a few things and to have our own washroom. 

We texted Carla to say that we were at the hospital and she invited us up to her room.  She was there with the birthfather, Mark, and his Mom.  We were also joined by Carla's mother and father.  She introduced us all and we talked.  

It was completely nerve wracking being on display to all of these important people who we had never met, despite the fact that they were all very kind and welcoming.  We were so excited for ourselves and yet sad for them.  We worried that the emotions surrounding the birth may change the adoption plan.  We were wondering if Carla's and her family's feelings were as the social workers had assessed and portrayed to us.   Were there going to be any surprises? 

Carla's labour progressed as the doctors expected, albeit slower than she would have liked.  She was so strong and positive.  We learned that she is very funny, even under pressure. Throughout the night and into the early morning,  she laboured with the help of an epidural, and Mark.  We spent the time visiting with their families. 

We spent time with them in a group, and then later, as people went to get coffee or snacks, etc., it worked out that we got to have one-on-one time with each one of them. 

It was a magical night. I am crying right now just thinking of the beautiful time we spent with them, getting to know them.  They are all sacrificing so much for us too.  They told us about themselves, and gave us a further glimpse into Carla and Mark from a parent's perspective.  It helped to ease some of fears. 

I always thought (secretly) that the open part of the adoption plan was something that we would just need to tolerate.  But these were very likeable people!  Friendly, nice, intelligent, thoughtful.   I told my family later that they were the kind of people that I could imagine having relaxed summer drink on a patio with. 

Each one of them, in their own way, during our visits told us something important. 

However, the conversations that night that stood out the most was with Carla's Dad.   

He told us the story about Carla's pregnancy.  Carla was living with him when she found out she was expecting.  He told us that she was originally trying to be excited about being pregnant about being a parent.  He told us about how her morning sickness was unrelenting in the first few months.  He told us about how as her pregnancy progressed that she did a lot of soul searching and came to tell him that she didn't think she could or wanted to parent.  She told him that she was wanted to place the baby for adoption.  You could feel his sincerity when he told us about how proud he was of her for making that decision. 

His support and pride in his daughter was beautiful.  It is an example that we will aspire to in our parenting.  It was so pure, supportive and non-judgmental.  It am so glad we got to bear witness to it.   Experiencing that changed me. 

He told us about how different each one of his daughters are and how parenting is such an amazing journey.  He told us that he looked at our profile book. That he was happy that we believed in God and he told us that he was so glad that he met us, because he felt so much more comfortable about where this baby would be going after meeting us.  He was encouraging and supportive of us.   He told us he felt joy for us. 

What a strong man, that in the midst of everything that was going on for him and his daughter, that he could feel and express such beautiful sentiments to us. 

He had to leave for work before the baby was going to be born.  We asked if he was coming the next day to meet the baby, and he said he didn't think so.  To our surprise, he did return and he gave us a card with a gift for the baby and a card.  This was the message in card:

"You were meant to be a family.

Nothing could have stopped you- you've chosen this journey, 

with all of its joys and challenges

because it was your destiny 

to become a family.

Words can't begin to describe the happiness of seeing you with your child

and fulfilling your dream of becoming parents. 

Congratulations,"

Papa

I'm not sure just how many times I am going to cry writing this out, but there I ago again, lol.  See what I mean? Simply amazing. 

We shared the small waiting room with another family waiting for a birth.  There was a lot of conflict with them.  For example - one person was very mad and embarrassed because her friend outed her for smoking her bong every night.  That guy then proceeded to sprawl out onto a couch and mumble grumpy things to everything that popped on the TV for the next hour or so.  There was a lot of Jerry Springer style commotion, fighting and stress on their side of the waiting room.  They were equal parts annoying and entertaining as we waited into the wee hours of the morning.

We would have been grateful for any family that allowed us into their lives through adoption.  We knew that we could have just as easily been sitting there with that family.  But we weren't.  It made the heartfelt moments we were having with the birth family feel that much sweeter.

At around 2:30 am, Mark came quickly into the waiting room.  He told us the doctor's said it was time!  As planned, Carla's Mom, Mark's Mom, D and I went into the room next door to where Carla was starting to push. 

We could hear her labouring. "Ow!, Ow!, Ow!" And, "I can't!"  I didn't expect to hear anything, or for  her to be in so much pain after having an epidural.  We all felt so helpless.  We winced when we could hear Carla suffering, especially the Mothers.  Mark's Mom had to leave the room because she couldn't bear to listen to her pain.

We listened to stories about their labours.   We learned that the doctor delivering our boy was the same one that delivered Carla!  

Then, 45 minutes later, the room next door went quiet. We wondered if that meant that he had arrived? We intensely listened for any sounds of a baby crying or someone saying something.

After a few long minutes, the nurse came in and told us the baby was here and doing fine. 

Mark entered the room.  He looked at his Mom, and fell into her outstretched arms.  They embraced powerfully.  He said, "Mom, I think I'm going to cry".   

I don't imagine that he has cried in his Mama's arms for many, many years. It was difficult to witness, yet I am so glad I did.  This experience was life changing and difficult in so many ways for him too.  

He returned back to Carla's side.  A short time later, the nurse came in and told me to get ready for skin-to-skin.  I unbuttoned my shirt and undid my front clasp bra. 

Then, the nurses brought in our son. They laid him on my chest and covered him with a blanket. His face buried into my neck, in a similar way as how he does when he's tired now.  We could only see a mass of blonde locks because his face was squished into my chest. 

In that moment, I think I was in shock. I wanted to bawl happy, ugly tears to release the emotion I was feeling and to show Carla and Mark's Mother's just how life changing this moment was for us.  But all I could do was smile and hug my little boy tightly.    

I could have cuddled with him for days.  But I know how excited the Grandmothers and Daddy were to hold him too.  So after about 20 minutes on my chest, both Grandmas got to hold him.  They both cried.  We felt so sad for their loss.  We know even if they are a part of his life, it won't be in the same way as if he was being parented by Carla and Mark. 

We were invited next door to see Carla. When I saw her I gave her a big hug.  She told me that I always give her strong hugs.  Here's a picture of that moment.  I have never felt so grateful or so in awe of another person.  She was so brave.  So strong.  I love her so much.

Carla held the baby again.  We told her how beautiful he was and she looked so tremendously proud of her son.   

Mark was sitting in the chair and we asked him if he wanted to hold him.  He said yes, and we placed him in his arms. 

We all were so mesmerized by him.  He was so perfect. So beautiful! And oh! That head of full blonde hair was certainly the talk of everyone, including the nurses.  When we passed him around he had a nervous sounding little whimper that sounded to us like "hahahahaha  hahahahha" it all made us  giggle.  He came out laughing.

D waited patiently for his turn to hold his son.  Mark's Mom initiated putting him in his arms.  He fed him his first bottle.

It was time to give Carla some space, so we all moved back to the room next door.   The nurses quickly ushered us up to the maternity floor with the other recovering moms. 

We did more skin-to-skin, and soaked up the his amazingness. We were PARENTS.  And to THIS boy.  We felt like (and still feel like) the luckiest people in the world. 

...to be continued! 

Grateful

Whoops. I didn't mean to be away that long, from reading about your lives and telling you about mine. 

As most new parents, I've spent most of the past two weeks awake, and baby spent those two weeks sleeping, yet free time has been very elusive.  

Sorry to have left you all hanging. 

Friends, he is so amazing. He is a healthy, happy little boy. The adoption experience has been so tremendously positive. The birth family are genuinely some of the most amazing people I have ever met.  We are so, so lucky. 

A friend asked me what's been the most surprising thing about being a new mom. I told her it would be something adoption related. After thinking about the question more, I've realized it was something else. 

I never in my wildest dreams imagined that the pain of 7 years of infertility and loss would melt away in the way it has.  Don't get me wrong- it is still there. I have not forgotten the pain of my journey, nor the pain of yours.  I never will.  It's just that my love for Carla, birth dad, their families and this precious, amazing baby boy is so shockingly abundant, so powerful, and so surprisingly healing. I could have never imagined anything this wonderful for us.   Life feels pinch-me good, for the first time in a long time.  I'm savouring every moment. 

I will write a full account of his birthday and the time we spent with his birth family. I want to remember and cherish every detail, so I promise not to wait too long to do so before the memories fade anymore. 

With love, 

J

Update from the adoption agency.

After a period of silence from the adoption agency, we got two updates yesterday.

Carla is doing better.  She's still in the hospital, but has been given day passes.  She seems less manic.   Yesterday, she walked down to the agency to speak to the birth mother counsellor.  She wanted to ask her to pass along this message to us.

It's a boy.

:))

Oh, my goodness!  It's a boy! A son.  Our son.  Wow.  

I'm feeling so much more comfortable with the fact that this is going to happen.  That our hearts aren't going to get smashed.

A couple of days ago, I went shopping for baby clothes.  I bought a ton of stuff.  Half way though shopping, I was feeling mildly disappointed with the gender neutral offerings.  I decided what the heck! I am going to buy boy things and girl things!  I thought, I could quickly wash what we need and return everything we don't need once the baby arrives.  

I've had it all displayed on our couch for days.  I just love looking at it.  It makes my heart sing.  I like showing my family it.  It makes it all feel more real.   So what if we can't sit on the majority of our sectional couch.  ;)

This morning, after I heard the news (via email), I put away the girl clothes.  I hid a note amongst all that remained, that says "I'm a boy!" and "My name is S (boy name) not C (girl name)" I'm waiting for D to get off his morning call so I can show him.   I wonder if he'll even notice, hehe.

All is well in my world today.  I am so thankful.  Things could be so different if it wasn't for Carla.  We are lucky.

Carla and looking back to two years ago

There hasn't been much word on Carla.  The agency hasn't had a lot of communication with her, because only family is allowed in the hospital.   The hospital social worker has been communicating with the agency and she says she is doing better and may get to go home soon.

I'm doing a digital clean up this weekend of my computer.  Mostly my pictures, but I'm getting my documents in a little better order too.  I came across this poem I wrote two years ago, just after my 33rd birthday and after my 8th treatment had failed.

While the two years in between writing this were a lot of the same, I'm grateful to be in a different place now.  The pain that existed in so many moments for me is fading.  There were times that I didn't think that it would.

I guess I should read the writing,

It’s on the wall

I don’t want to

I don’t want to

It’s so painful to never know why

Despite so many tries

So many needles, so much medicine

I thought it was just a matter of time

Or another dime

Before it was our turn

Used to think it was for a lesson to learn

Why couldn’t it have worked?

Not in the cards, not in the plan

That is simply just something I can’t understand

So much invested

So much taken away

So heartbroken

Wishing the babies just stayed.

A current beneath the flesh

That will always run deep

We won’t forget you

Even though sometimes we might try

Endurance can get ugly

It’s only to forget the pain of

Living our life without you

Just isn’t the same

Families are growing

But loneliness is around us

Even God seems further way

Am I supposed to move on now?

I don’t see how

I don’t see how

How do you travel beyond

We will never get over this

It’s too painful to erase

Too many scars, sitting in just this one place

Each passing birthday

Just reminds

The part of ourselves

That we just can’t find…

Trying to fill the void in any other way

Just doesn’t work

But I’ll try anyway?

Carla's in the hospital

Thank you very much for all of your kind words on my last post.  Reading them warmed my heart and brought tears to my eyes.  I read them again and again. :) It was kind of you to reach out and share in this chapter of our lives.

There have been lots of things happening with Carla in a few short days.

According to the social workers, after our meeting, Carla's condition deteriorated further.  Her behaviour was increasingly agitated and erratic.  They said she was experiencing mania.    She is now in the hospital (at the same one where she plans to deliver), and they plan on keeping her until possibly until the baby is born (she's due October 15th)!

This was surprising news for us to hear.  She was noticeably emotional and agitated during the meeting with us, but we didn't think that was all that strange given the situation.  Having an unplanned pregnancy and anticipating a birth, making an adoption plan, breaking up with the birth father, and meeting us after she wasn't that keen on doing so was A LOT.  Add into the mix, tension and conflict with her relationship with her divorced parents.  We felt like, "who wouldn't be a mess?" under those conditions.  She is experiencing some of the most major things that anyone could possibly experience, and all at once.

I am glad she is in the hospital, because I know she is safe, and the baby is safe.

However, I am also scared for her health now, and after the baby is born.  I am also scared for the stress the baby is under.  I am worried about if they decide that she needs medication, because I know the side effects to the baby can be worrisome.  I feel like this poor little child has already been through so much - smoking, marijuana and stress.   I am glad that she will be less likely to be able to find a way to smoke anything while in the hospital, which is a relief.

I am thankful to live in a country where she can get medical care, even though she does not work.  I am thankful that the people working at the adoption agency took her condition seriously and followed up with her and encouraged her to seek care.  I am thankful that the people at the hospital recognized the need for her to be admitted and are carefully weighing the risks of medicating her.  It is good that her care is happening this major hospital, where she plans to give birth.

I was speaking with my friend Lainey the other day.  She said to me, "people think adoption is all roses.  But there is a lot of pain and loss".  I'm getting deeper understanding of that today.

The social worker also says that in her current state, she is would not be able to sign consents for the adoption.  She said asking Carla to bank the cord blood would be too much at this time, that we should just forget about that.  She left those little bombs on my voicemail.

I'm disappointed about the cord blood.  I know it's a luxury to even think about being able to do such a thing,  but I selfishly feel like how hard could that be after going through a delivery? It doesn't hurt her, but has so many potential benefits for the child.  I get the desire not to add any more stress to her situation, but, uh. :/

I'm not surprised about the consents, but will call the social worker today when D's done his meetings to get more information.   It probably just means a longer wait period before the baby she is able to revoke her parental rights, and uh, more counselling fees for the agency.

One good thing is that I haven't heard that she's been having second thoughts about the adoption plan she's made.  Those will be my comforts for the day.  1.  She's confident in her plan.  2.  She and the baby are in a safe and caring place.

I'm tightening my seatbelt and preparing for what's ahead.

Meeting with Birth Mom and Grandmother

Woah.  What a stressful day, but a good day.

The adoption agency stuffed us into a tiny office.  D and I, the birth mom (I'll call Carla), and her mother (I'll call Lynn), and two social workers.   It was hot outside, and we were in an older building where the air-conditioning was next to nil.  The room was sticky and warm.  The temperature didn't do any of us any favours, especially Carla being 8 1/2 months pregnant.

The workers prepped us before the meeting to say that Carla was having a rough time the past couple of days.  That she just broke up with the birth father, and she seemed to be on a "bit of an up swing".

A previous note in her file, said that she described herself as bipolar, but we all did not think that that diagnosis was made after a proper evaluation.  We all agreed that it seemed to be a label that someone had given her, perhaps a little too easily, and she had hung on to it.  The only information relating to this in her file, was that she reported one episode of depression and hospitalization after a long term relationship break up two years ago.

In her current state, her mother, and the counsellors wondered if she was experiencing a mania. Especially due to some of her recent behaviour, which they didn't elaborate much on.   (Side note: We had already researched that risk, and felt that it was something we could accept, especially since it is something that has been in our families. )

Lynn wondered if the meeting should be cancelled because of Carla's state?  The social workers said no, they encouraged us to meet, even if it was for a short time.   They felt that she may find some relief in meeting us.

We met with everyone in what seemed like 15 minute intervals.  First we met all together, then just with Lynn while Carla was taking a break.  Then we met with with Carla and the birth parent counsellor, and then alone with Carla.  It wasn't planned to be like this, but there was a lot going on.  D and I stat patiently, glued (actually literally) to our leather chairs.

When Carla and Lynn first entered the room, there were smiles, and Lynn had what seemed like happy tears in her eyes to meet us.  I'm sure the moment of meeting us was bittersweet for her, she had been involved in helping to select our profile, and later she shared that she had two miscarriages and became a mother around my age too.  Carla and Lynn both gave us hugs.  I felt an extra squeeze, and a lingering in Lynn's hug.

Carla nervously munched on a veggie/pita/fruit snack while we met.  Giant tears flooded out of her eyes and landing on her teal cotton dress, leaving dark marks.  She was fidgety and her hands were shaky.  Ours were too. She flipped her thick beautiful wavy blonde hair back and forth, trying to get cool.  She kept apologizing to us, and we kept asking her not to.

They asked Carla to talk about why she chose us.  They said, "what did you like about them?" With tears, she said "everything".  We couldn't have dreamed of hearing anything better.  We remember saying something similar to our worker sitting around our kitchen table, while drafting up a matching report.   Carla told us that she read through our profile again last night, and asked us for another copy of it.

The entire meeting was tremendously emotional.  All in the same moment, my heart wanted to shatter into a thousand pieces thinking about what they must be going through, while swelling with love and empathy for Carla.  Our hearts overflowed with joy and excitement thinking about that precious baby she was caring.

So many words that came to mind after meeting Carla.  They are: strong, courageous, stylish, genuine, beautiful (wow, they told us she was, but really!), vulnerable, scared, caring, and emotional.

She told us privately about her dreams to pursue a health diploma at college next year.  She said that her mother viewed her as a child.  That she wouldn't let her drive her vehicle.  That she was more mature than anyone thought.

At 20 years old, I could tell that she was right about this.  She made one of the hardest decisions that anyone could, and was following through on it.  She told us she wants to have the things we have one day, and it melted my heart.  If I could have given her those things, or something to ease her discomfort right then and there I would have.

While alone with Lynn, she kindly told us about how Carla's view of adoption was "old fashioned".  That she always said she may not want to have children.  She said that at first, she just wanted to give the baby to us, and not have any contact.  The agency was coaching her to have some contact with us, and with the child in the future.   We communicated to the agency that we didn't want to push her.  We told Lynn that ultimately, we just wanted what was comfortable and best for Carla.

We told her that we started a password protected blog where they could login to get updates on the baby and us.  We liked the idea, because we thought that a text, phone call or email may not be received at a good time.  That she (or others) could save up the posts and read them all at once, or keep up with them regularly.  We liked the idea that she, the birth father, and other family members could comment on the blog.  We imagined that it might be a great keepsake for our child (OMG - our child!) one day.   We told Lynn that this was just one idea on how we could update them.  (Oh, and a nice bonus, was that I also liked that I could see who was reading the blog on the stats page!)

Lynn said she might like more updates than Carla.  We told her we would do that.  She was interested in reading the blog, but isn't internet savvy.  The worker offered to show her how to use the site.

Lynn said that she viewed this baby as our baby.  That she felt almost like a surrogate.

When asking about what she might like to name the baby, she was interested to hear what we had chosen.  She said that we should name the baby, that it is our baby.  We nervously told her some of the names on our list, scared that she might hate them and it could derail everything.  One boy name that was the name of her Mom's cat ... that was kind of a weird moment! If it was a girl, told her we thought it might be nice to name her combination of her name, and mine.   She seemed to like that idea.

D and I had talked about that girl's name and agreed we both liked it.  Somehow though, he thought that I had on the spot come up with the the fact that it was a combo of our names.   He told me later that he was super impressed, and I sheepishly admitted that this what I had in mind with this name the whole time, I just must not have communicated it well.   I should have maybe just let him think that I was that smart under pressure!

She told us that they couldn't tell the sex of the baby at her last ultrasound.  That she had another doctor's appointment tomorrow.  She asked us if we would like to know.  D responded by saying, do you want to know? And she said it was up to us.  I said that we would like to know if it's possible.

The birth parent counsellor asked her to tell us about what she'd like to happen the day of the birth.   She was having hiccups, her eyes were still flooded, and the baby was moving a lot-  we could see her whole abdomen moving.  There was a lot going on, she was upset and so the counsellor asked if it would be okay if she shared what they had discussed with us?

She agreed.  She said that she wanted us to be notified of her labour right away.  That she wanted us to come to the hospital but not in the delivery room.  We heard about how her mother would be there with her.  About how her mother wanted to hold the baby, but how she didn't want to see her doing so.  The counsellor shared that she wanted us to immediately begin to care for the baby.  That she would go home as soon as possible and we were to stay there with the baby.

She said, again "this is your baby" to us.

We've been petrified of her changing our mind since we heard the news.  Hearing that was the best thing we could have heard that day.  It was almost like getting the news all over again that we had been chosen.   But this time it seemed a lot more real.

D and I had plans to shop in the city after the meeting.  However we were so drained, I don't think either one of us could even think about navigating there, or actually shopping.  Instead, we walked across the street to a nearby pub.  Over a glass of sparkling cider and a beer, we talked about the afternoon, and even had a little toast.  We are going to be parents!

Later on in the evening, we texted Carla.

"It was so nice meeting you and your Mom today.  We wanted to thank you again for this precious gift, you are truly changing our lives.  Let us know if we can help you in any way.  With love..."

She wrote back a few hours later:

":) thanks for the kind words, you both will be amazing parents, i feel really good about the both of you! I know ur the missing puzzle piece.  This baby needs you both, good night! Exhausted!"

Tears are flowing.  I am so thankful to her.

Adoption counselor: "There is a baby due in October".

We got this message over the weekend from our adoption agency.

They gave us a limited social and medical history (below).  They asked if we wanted to be presented to the birth parents this Wednesday?

Here's the scoop:

The birth mother is 20, and the birth father is around that age too.  They are both Caucasian.  There has been no illegal drugs or alcohol. She says she smokes 6 cigarettes per day.  She has been taking prenatal vitamins and been receiving medical care, including taking some prescription drugs in her early pregnancy for morning sickness and a UTI.  She had a depressive episode where she was hospitalized when she was 19, after breaking up with her boyfriend.   She called herself bipolar after that experience, although she is has not been medicated since then and has been doing well.  The social worker believes that this diagnosis was not made by a doctor, and that it could be inaccurate.

They don't want much openness, and are anxious to make an adoption plan for their child.  The birth mother's family are supportive of an adoption placement.  The birth father's mother is not, but both he and the birth mother are strong in their opinion that they don't want her to parent this child.

The social worker said the mother was pretty.  That he likes performance cars and trucks.  It's so weird what information you get, and what information you don't get.  At this stage, they just share with us, what they think are the basics.  If they choose us, we'll learn a lot more.

D was quickly onside with knowing he wanted to be presented.  Our social worker said that no drugs or alcohol exposure is rare.   My first thought was of my four little embabies, and how my period had just arrived.  I thought about carrying our baby.

I know those embabies will be there for us later.   This child is on his or her way in 2 months.

We decided to be presented.  We will know if we made the short list, were declined or were selected on Wednesday or Thursday.

There are so many emotions for me right now.

Life could change in a hurry.

Adoption Story

D has always been more onside with pursuing adoption instead of fertility treatments.  He sees and hears about families with adopted children more regularly than I do.  When he does, he feels like it could have been us,  if we had jumped on the adoption band wagon sooner.   We could be parenting right now instead of gearing up for our 9th transfer, and just beginning our to wait to be matched with a child. 

Who knows what would have happened?  But now, I feel like I think he may be right.  While we made all of our decisions on how to proceed jointly, I can't help but feel responsible for the weight of this sadness.  I am the one who has pushed for fertility treatments more than adoption.  

If it was up to him, we would have ditched the fertility treatments long ago.    He even said recently that he wished our embryos would have all been abnormal because it would have ended our fertility journey.  Ouch.  He may have said that out of stress and anger, but I think it shows just how finished he is with all of our fertility stuff. 

Another reason why D has been struggling is because of news regarding our friends recent adoption plans.  Lainey and Paul are our closest infertile friends who we love spending time with.  They registered with the same adoption agencies as us, at the same time, and we share the same social worker.  

As you may remember, at the agency's request, we pulled our application when we learned that I was pregnant.   During that time, they got the call that they were being considered for a match!  It seemed like a great situation.  The risks to the newborn were low, and something neat was that the birth mother is Asian and the father is Eastern European, and Lainey and Paul are too.  

Right around the same time, we were having a meeting with our social worker and a birth mother counsellor.  They told us anonymous stories about recent matches that happened.   We knew they could be talking about our friends.  They mentioned after a long lull in birth parents coming forward, that they were now dealing with five (!!) new situations.  

D and I both bit our lips.  We were keenly aware that if things had worked out differently with our last cycle, that we may have been considered for one of those babies.   That there might not be any more babies for a while now.  

They told us a story about one of those matches.  It was a couple who looked at several profiles and weren't feeling connected with anyone, only to see the next batch of profiles and realize right away that the had found the couple for them.  They viewed the couple as easy going, older, more mature, versions of themselves.  I felt like they were talking about our friends.  

Shortly after, we got news that Lainey and Paul were matched! After hearing the news, I felt happy in a way that I never have for anyone else who announced they were expecting before.  So genuinely over the moon happy and excited.  I didn't honestly even know I had that level of excitement in me after all of this infertility crap.  It was all I could think about.  It gave me such hope that adoption just might work out for us too. 

I think that thought - that this could actually work out for us - is the one piece of the adoption puzzle that's been missing for me throughout this journey.  I heard so many horror stories through the adoption process that I felt scared to even begin opening ourselves up to the potential of that kind of pain, after all we have already been through on the fertility front.   Hearing their news really changed my perspective and motivated me to continue to pursue our adoption plans. 

Lainey and Paul began to quickly put together all of the supplies they would need for their baby.  A nursery, a car seat, you name it.   They were also trying to prepare their careers for their absences from work, especially her parental leave.    They met with the birth family and had a nice visit.  They jointly decided that the birth parents would choose the second name, and our friends would choose the first name.   Things went from moving slowly to lightening speed. 

Lainey is also a part time photographer, and got the opportunity to photograph childbirth.  I know she was in awe at the birth and I'm sure it had extra meaning knowing what was going on in their lives.  The day after watching the birth, they got the call that their daughter had arrived three and a half weeks early!   They rushed to go see her soon after her birth.  One of the names chosen for her was Julia! 

I got the text with the news while my friends were visiting a couple of weekends ago.  I burst into tears.  Everyone were all worried that something bad had happened.  I don't think I've ever cried in front of them.  I all I could say at first was "It's good news!".   They were excited also to hear about the news.  It wasn't really my place to share, but after all of the tears,  I had to tell them what was happening.  I also thought it was okay to do so because none of them know them or live in the same cities.  We talked about our adoption process after and it was really nice. 

When Lainey and Paul got to the hospital to meet their daughter, they also met with members of the birth parent's extended family.  (Interestingly, the birth father was also adopted.)  Paul and Lainey introduced themselves to everyone and Paul gave his contact information to everyone that was there.   The family gave them gifts for the baby.  Everything was going well.    It was probably a picture perfect example of an open adoption. 

The day after the baby arrived, a relative stepped forward and said that he was not aware of the pregnancy and he was going to make his own adoption plan.   While the birth father wanted to proceed with Lainey and Paul as parents, the mother was now put in a very difficult position with her relatives and said she would not decide.   Where I live, when a parent won't decide on an adoption plan, it means that the family may have some rights in deciding the fate of the baby.  

Paul and Lainey were asked to leave by the social workers.  I received a text saying that after 3 days with her, that they were going home with an empty car seat.  Our friend's hearts were shattered, and ours were too.  The social workers scrambled to figure out what was happening.  

A day later, they got a call from the social workers, saying not to give up hope yet.  That there was still a chance that the match could be made.  They were going to have more meetings with the birth parents, and the relatives to sort out everyone's thoughts and feelings. 

We waited from afar in horror.  This was one of my worst adoption nightmares coming true.  It put D in an even darker place.  "Why was this happening?  Why didn't that relative step forward earlier in the process?" we asked.   "Why does this have to be so hard?" Lainey asked us, as we wondered the same thing.    

The day after the meetings, they got word that the birth parents decided to proceed with Lainey and Paul as parents!  What a tremendous relief.  

They are now in the waiting period to bring home their daughter.  Because of the tumultuous start, the child is in foster care, to give everyone some time to cool off.  Apparently they may get to bring her home before the waiting period is over.  They still aren't out of the woods yet, but things are looking positive. 

I am so glad that things are still progressing with their adoption.  Lainey and Paul have been under such stress.  And when I imagine what it must be like for the birth mother and father, and relatives, I know it's not easy for them either.  Adoption can be so complicated.  It's a reminder to me of all that can go right with adoption, but also of all that can go terribly wrong.  

Adoption

Yesterday's meeting with our adoption worker went well.   We also met with the local social worker who does birth parent counselling.

Their moods were much lighter than usual.  Where there has been a drought of babies as of late, they now have several matches happening.   They spoke in general about some great matches that had just happened in the past couple of weeks.

They spoke positively about us and said that they know we will be matched.  They said we will present well and we have many favourable things going for us.  That made me feel good, and lowered my anxiety a bit.  The adoption world seems so competitive for babies.

I wondered if the situation they were referencing was actually my friend's.  I was listening intently to all of the details of the story.  I tried to match up the details of the situations they told us about with what I already knew about my friend's potential match.

Right after the meeting, I texted my friend to see how everything was going.

She told me that they were matched!!!  They are now quickly organizing her paternity leave, a nursery, their ideas of names to discuss with the birth parents, and updating all of their necessary documents.

I am so excited for them.  Like, truly over the moon.  Their story brings me so much hope.  I get teary thinking about them and their newborn baby coming together this June after all they have been through.

D's happy for them, but also feeling a tad bit jealous.  He's always been more interested in adoption than pursuing fertility treatments.  He knows that this baby matched our parameters (that sounds so cold, but I don't know how else to put it).  We would have been considered for this baby had we not been on hold because of our last pregnancy.  It could be us rushing to pull together all of those important details.

I don't feel that way though.  I feel like this is the perfect match for them.  For many reasons, but I think it's especially neat that she's Asian and he's Caucasian/European and so are the birth parents.

I love knowing that this could  is going to work out for them.  I see so much hope in their situation.  They are going to be amazing parents, I have do doubt.  They have so much love to give.

That could be us one day.  

CCS, adoption and grieving

I had a nice visit with my Dad.  He was planning on staying two nights but stayed for four! He had a good time.  We spent our days in my Father-in-law's workshop building a table.   Father-in-law gets lots of drop-in company from his retired and semi-retired friends.  My Dad is extremely social, and I know he loved every minute of meeting the new faces, working in his nice shop, and drinking a few beers!

I really have to work on building my stamina back up though, because I was tired!  So much so, that we had a really lazy weekend.  Lazy, as in, we laid in bed or on the couch, didn't cook a single meal or do any dishes, or any of the other jobs we should have done.  We just vegged playing candy crush and watched TV.  It would have been the perfect weekend if I could have tuned out my guilt (for being lazy) a little more.

This week, we celebrated D's granny's 90th birthday.  I love her so much, she's so cute.  We went to her favourite restaurant last night to celebrate, to a tiny and very modest diner.  We then went back to D's parents for loads of sweets.  Granny is diabetic and looooves her sweets.  His parents take good care of her, but let her indulge often.  They say when you are 90 and it brings you happiness, who cares!  Let her enjoy! I feel the same.

This week we are packing up to go to our cottage.  We'll be there for as long as we can, until fertility treatment calls us back home.  We're hoping for a month and a half.  It's my healing place and I'm looking forward to being there again.  It is close to where most of my family lives.  We haven't been since Christmas, so it will be good to see if the place is still standing!   D can work from there.  It's been something really positive in our lives amidst some of the turmoil of the last year.   We're lucky to have it.

We've finished our paperwork done for the CCS and will be meeting with our adoption social worker one last time for some minor things today.  Our friends has the same worker and is registered at the same adoption agency.  They got a call this week to say they are being considered for a child due in June.  I really, really hope that this is it for them.  They will make great parents.

It was a bit of an eye opener for us.  We had pulled our home study from the adoption agency after we had found out we were pregnant.  This was at their request, and our social workers too.

If we had not pulled our profile, I think we would have been considered for this baby too.  This gives me some hope that maybe adoption could work out for us.   For some reason, in the past I have had a very negative view... like I can't imagine that adoption would work out for us.  It's like I'm scared to get burned.  I feel like adoption could be similar to facing another battle like the one we've had with infertility.  Maybe that isn't the case?

Our friends could have a healthy baby THIS JUNE.

If I knew a baby was there waiting for us, and there wasn't going to be extreme heartache with the whole process,  I think I could drop fertility treatments like a hot potato.

That's a relatively new feeling for me.  I'm sitting with it, and I'm liking it.

On the grieving front, overall, I've been feeling much better.

Don't get me wrong, there have been teary moments.  Yesterday was difficult.  I had to sit in my OBGYN's office surrounded by pregnant bellies, and babies.  I brought my own magazine and hoped that I would be called quickly, but that didn't happen.  I hoped that I would not hear the lullaby that plays over the P.A. system every time a baby was born, but I did.  I survived it though, with only some watery eyes.  Also good, was that the heavy feeling didn't linger over me all day like it usually does.

Contact from my friends, time with my Dad and the spring weather has been helping.  Even the thought of being treatment free for the next month and a half is exciting to me right now.  Wine or coffee on the patio in the sun, here I come.

I'm looking forward to brighter days.

J

PS)  The doctor says my HCG is 957.  That it has been dropping 40% every two days (I didn't know this was a measure of a successful miscarriage).  Because I am still having some bleeding and of my history of having an incomplete miscarriage, he wants me to take the Misoprostal this week and have my HCG checked again.   I'm going to take the pills starting tonight.  He told me he thinks it shouldn't hurt as much because there is not much left inside of me to pass.  I'm going to take the Tylenol 3's just in case.   Hopefully, this will bring a close to all of this.

Confession

On the adoption front, I have a confession.

D is totally ready.  I am not.  We are pursuing it anyways.   We have gone through our interviews to update our home study.  We will soon be a 'family in waiting' with one agency.

I can tell I'm not totally ready because I don't have any desire to read the adoption books that are sitting on my nightstand or on my tablet.   I don't daydream about it, or read the internet searching for ways to bring our plans into reality.  Instead, I look up and read stuff on egg donation, and think about the emotional implications of a child being born from a donor egg.  I think about managing the grief of infertility.   Looking up adoption stuff rarely, if ever crosses my mind.

Adoption is the back up plan that I don't want to think about.  Because when we move on full steam ahead to this plan, it means that our last one failed.

I view our adoption plans, kind of like fishing.  If we don't start fishing there definitely won't be any bites.  Even if a perfect match were available for us, we'd never get it if we are not participating.  So right now, we're not casting our nets wide at this point.  We're just trolling, and if there was a bite, we'd be cautiously optimistic and hopeful.

What scares the shit out of me, is that we've now entered a world of negotiating social and medical histories.  Is two drinks per week acceptable to us, or 10? The social worker told us it's not a matter of if the birth mother drank, but usually how much, and for how long.  I'm scared of getting talked into a situation that I don't want to or can't handle.  And I'm scared of feeling guilty about not being able to give a baby with higher needs a home, despite wanting a child so badly.  It's a kind of grief that non-adoptive parents don't have to ever think about.

In our adoption meetings they talked about openness and how we would expect to manage a birth family relationship?  That part was easy, as we are open to a variety of contact and have had some similar experience with that in our embryo adoption plans (although I'd imagine that it would very different dynamics in a birth parent relationship).

The social worker asked, "Have you processed our feelings on lack of a genetic connection?" Yes.  Been there, done that.  Twice.

"How do you anticipate processing grief associated with the failure of our egg donation plans and/or not being pregnant or experiencing child birth?" Those my friends, are the questions the social worker didn't ask and are where things get very dicey for me.

I want this egg donor 'thing' to work out so badly.   Not being pregnant, controlling the gestational environment and giving birth would be a huge blow to me.

In our interviews with the social worker, I skipped the part about how I'm terrified to put another infertility failure under my belt.  I don't want to process any more grief because I feel like I'm at my limit.  Nope, not even a little bit more.  I'm angry and worn out.

We would get through it if this didn't work.  Right?  However it is terrifying to think about that possibility, as it seems like the Mount Everest of grief.

It would definitely would not be the smooth process of moving on from one kind of family building to another as I portrayed it to be.

So, I keep quietly hiking along with on our adoption plans.  Slow and steady.  Because who knows what is in store for us.