I've been wondering lately I could start believing again that this is all going to work out. I used to think that way, that it was just a matter of time. But something in me shifted. I don't know when it happened, but if I had to peg it down, I would say it was sometime after our second miscarriage last April.
I started becoming acutely aware that not everyone resolves their infertility. And even more frightening, that we could be one of them. Crap, right now we are one of them.
I'm feeling sad and frustrated today. I found out that another one of my real life IF friends is pregnant. And, not the one that I wrote about yesterday. She's 12 weeks. She's a great woman who I'm sure will make a wonderful Mommy.
I've been trying to build up my IF armour over the last couple of weeks to head into Christmas but I don't think it's working. I've been too busy deflecting little IF bullets.
I've read a little mantra somewhere from fellow IFer. "It's not their baby I want, it's our baby that I want". The truth is, I don't know if that's going to cut it. If any of the preggos I know offered me their baby I'd take it. I need a new little mantra to get me through the holidays.
In the mean time I will go about my little life. Preparing to leave town for a few days to visit with family. I'll return a few days before New Years when we are having a party for our friends who have sitters. We used to have a big party at home and invite all of our friends. That was before the baby boom years. I miss those days.
A bummer of a post. I hate feeling like I'm bringing people down. If you are reading this, I'm sorry about that.
