The wedding and baseline check.

I'm noticing a connection to my life and this blog.  And while I hate to admit it, I only really seem to have the desire to post when something heavy is laying on my heart.   When I'm feeling good it's when things are busy.  The two are not unrelated I'm sure.  But today is different folks.

The wedding has come and gone.  D & I secretly had an over/under bet going on how many major dramatic events might happen between members of the wedding party in the few days leading up to the wedding and on the wedding day  there would be.   A dramatic event would be something along the lines of a fight, tears, fiasco, things like that.  The number we settled on for the over/under was 10.  (Now, what does that number say about them? Haha)

We both made our bets.  And over won! Afterwards, D says he took over.  But I thought I did too.  I think we had a miscommunication, but don't care because to me it's still funny. 

Some of the dramatic events were things like when the mother of the bride brought the wedding cake for the bride to see the night before the wedding.  The bride got upset and locked herself in her room for an hour, after which the groom and the maid of honour had to come over to straighten things out.   She ordered the cake a week before from a lady known to the family who was not in the business of making wedding cakes.   What she got kind of looked like what you might expect from that type of scenario.  A nice looking homemade cake, but nothing spectacular. 

When the dramatic events unfolded I did my best to help smooth things over, or I just kept my mouth shut depending on the situation.  I told my self "not my wedding" to avoid getting annoyed and all was well.  It was a lot more fun that way.

I decided to forget about all of the drama, and the infertility treatment and just enjoy the process of getting all dolled up.  I pretended that I was going to prom for 30 year olds.  I got my hair and make up done, toes and fingers.  Ooh, and I even some fake eyelashes for the wedding which was fun too.  

The party part of the wedding was lots of fun, and I really had a nice time.  Best of all I knew that all of our commitments for this wedding were over - yay! 

Now, a couple of weeks later, time has flown by and I have already started my next cycle.  I went for baseline supression check and to my amazement the cyst was gone!!! Yay!!! Happy dance.   My blood work came in where they wanted it which means that I AM GOING TO COLORADO FOLKS!!! 

I'm super pumped about this and I'm trying not to let myself think any negative thoughts about if this doesn't work.  I'm sure there will be plenty of time to feel bad about things later if it doesn't go well. 

My aunt was going to travel with me but unfortunately had an unexpected medical problem to help my Grandmother with.   After having a nice long chat with my other grandmother (the one who lost her husband this spring), I thought that it might be a nice thing for the two of us to do together.  So I asked her to come with me.  I was a little hesitant about what it might be like, but decided to just ask her and hope for the best.   She couldn't go, but my Mom tells me that she was tickled by it and it made her day to be asked. 

I asked a friend to come, but she was busy.  Then I asked my sister.  I knew she had some plans, but thought "ah, what the heck".  And she said yes!!!  We decided that we should also include my other sister.  While I thought for sure she wouldn't be able to go because she is taking a course, it turns out that she is free to and is going to go! 

It has all worked out fantastically, and I'm super excited about it now.  My sisters are coming for the first 6 days.  D will stay home and work.  Then my sisters will fly out and D will fly in all on the same day.  

We'll get to do a few day trips that are close by to the clinic in our rental car.  For any of you who have been there, I'd love to hear what you enjoyed doing near the Denver/Lonetree area?  I know for sure I would like to go see the Garden of the Gods. 

I won't be able to update easily while I'm gone but will fill you all in when I get back! 

Cheers!

PS) There is a small chance that this cycle could still get canceled on Friday when I have my last u/s and blood before I go to CO - please think positive thoughts for me on this! Although at this point with all of the flights booked for my sisters I think I'm going either way! 

Calendar

Yay! We got our calendar from CCRM.

It has a tentative retrieval date of around July 6th or 7th.  Which seemed perfectly workable with the July 13th wedding  that we are both standing in, the one where D is the best man.  Upon closer examination, we learned that our retrieval date would likely be a bit later because the calendar only included stims for 10 days. 

I checked with the nurse to see if she thought I would stim for longer than average (because of my diminished ovarian reserve).  She said yes.  She said DOR people tend to stim for  15-17 days.   I asked her the longest she's ever seen anyone go for and she said 21 days. 

Counting out the days, that would make the retrieval/required sperm donation either the day of the wedding or the day before.  Not to mention that I am required to hang around for 24 hours because of the anesthesia.  

F*ck.

We thought about what would happen if I missed the wedding.  Sounds bad, yes, but there are 8 bridesmaids and only 5 groomsmen.  And the bride and I are not even remotely close.  The groom and I are friends, but I never expected to be asked to stand up for him.   That is a long story that I talked about here.    

They've been very demanding throughout the year long wedding process and let's just say it hasn't drawn any of us closer together.  Bridezilla is an accurate term to use.  We've just been going with the flow, gritting our teeth spending money on all of their parties etc,  doing what is asked of us, and mostly hoping for it to be over.   

D too has seen a different side of the groom throughout this year of wedding planning that he doesn't like.  I think overall this year has made us realize that after this, we don't have the desire to be close friends with them.   We've come out of this year just feeling used financially and emotionally by them.   We are in very different mental places and have very different priorities.  They are really immature about a lot of things. 

We really wanted to make this cycle work.  We've been in limbo basically since January, with cancelled cycles because of the cysts, and my grandfather's illness and death, and last month with the memorial day fiasco.  In so many ways we feel like we've been in limbo for the past five years with all of this crap.  And with these cysts, we honestly don't know if next month we'll be allowed to start a cycle. 

We thought about using frozen sperm instead of fresh, allowing him to fly out for the wedding, if he had to.   I didn't want to do that.  I feel like we are spending big money on this and I don't want to feel like we didn't do the best we could in all aspects.   Especially because this is probably our last chance.  There isn't an unlimited pool of money that we can throw at this.  I'm cranky, emotionally drained and I'm tired of feeling guilty if I have a glass of coffee or wine! 

Ultimately, we decided that regardless of how we are feeling about them right now, that it would be a really, really brutal thing if the best man didn't show up.  (I should mention that if this was a close friend we wouldn't even consider doing this to them, it's just that we are feeling very used by them, and this almost feels like one more way that we are taking a hit because of them).   I realize that this must sound like I'm a spoiled brat, but I'm just being honest.   And my friends, I need this little corner of the internet to do so so I don't make an impromptu speech at the wedding about how they are two of the most rude, selfish people that I know (jk - would never).   

And, in the end, we won't even tell them that we have made this choice for them.  

Hoping August is a good month for us.  At least one good thing will happen - this dreaded wedding will be over!  

PS)

Some random gossipy bits about the wedding:

1. This is groom's second wedding and they bride and ex-wife have the exact same first and second names!!! Seriously? What are the chances!

2. They have kicked out the maid of honour AND best man already.  D was the second choice, despite having known the groom for 17 years and the other best man having only been friend for less than a year!).    

Home and back at it

Irish countryside. 

We had a fantastic vacation.  The kind that really fills your cup.  I hardly thought about our infertility. We took a tour with a travel company and also explored independently.  We went to England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales.  We met some amazing folks on the tour and our guide was awesome.  We never thought we would be back to that part of the world so soon again, it felt like such a blessing.  The canceled cycle last month meant that we could take advantage of free flights because of some volunteer work that D does.  It sweetened the blow from last month significantly.

One of my favourite parts of the trip was getting to meet three people who have fostered children.  One couple from the USA and another from Australia.   Last month, D has asked me to consider this as an option again.  When he did, I shut him down.  It was a poor response.  The timing was off, I wasn't in the right frame of mind to discuss it after our last canceled cycle.

There are a few things that freak me out about fostering. In order, they are:

1.  When the the child has to be taken away.  By a country mile this is by far my biggest fear.  I feel like this is exacarbated by infertility.  It would be hard for anyone. After 5 years of desperately trying for a child, and my emotional bank account is very sensitive/low in this area.  I don't know if I could take the hit.

2.  Fear that I wouldn't have the experience/ability to handle the emotional issues that the child has in an adequate way.  That I would get in over my head.  Hmm... now that I really think about it, if I'm really honest, this fear is probably right up there with number one.

3.  Loss of my personal time, space and freedom.   I don't like admitting that, but it's real.

In talking with one of the other couples on our trip, I learned a few things.  The one couple has fostered many children over the years, including what they say were some children from high profile cases.  They've been through some difficult stuff.  What I took from our conversations:

1.  That when the first child leaves it is often the hardest.

2.  That you can stay in touch, and remain a positive influence on the child's life.  I don't know why this is such a revelation to me, it might seem obvious but for me, this was a huge weight lifted.

3.  That you can ease into this, and have an honest communication with the social workers about what you are prepared to handle and not handle in terms of emotional issues with a child.

4.  They take lots of breaks in between children.

5.  She talked about how she feels they are making a difference in the world.  She told me about how she gave an 8 year old his first ever birthday party.  This gives me a lump in my throat.

I won't say that I'm totally ready to move into fostering, but there was a huge shift that happened for me.   I've always thought that seeing different perspectives was one of the most enriching parts of travel.  Who knew it was going to be regarding foster care in a pub in Dublin?

I haven't discussed any of this with D as of yet.  I want to digest it on my own for a while.

Oh! And today is cycle day 2 again.  Baseline ultrasound revealed a cyst again.  It's likely the same one, but it about 1/2 the size as last month (1.2 cm x 0.80 cm).  My estrogen is low (in the 30s), so it's not an estrogen producing cyst.   I won't hear until this evening from CCRM about what the plan is.

To add a little complication to things, on cycle day 21 is the wedding that D & I are standing in.  Looking at previous cycle's instructions from CCRM, they estimated a tentative retrieval date of cycle day 11.  Which seems like a lot of leeway.  But, the only other time I did IVF at my local clinic, I stimmed for 16 days while on close to the max dose (300 units of follistim).  That cycle has many medication differences, a big one being that I didn't start stims until cycle day 6, and CCRM would have me start tomorrow (cycle day 3).

A lot will be decided in the next couple of hours.

This one thing

Today I'm wondering why this one thing, infertility of course, can leave such a gaping hole in your life.  Especially in the midst of so many other good things.

I have so much to be grateful for.  And many things to look forward to.  In so many ways my life has turned out better than I ever expected.  Yet, today, despite lots of other good news in our lives, I have a feeling of discontentment.  I feel disgusted with myself, why can't I just be happy?  So many people can rise up and feel happy with so much less.

It's difficult to distinguish the feelings of discontentment, grief and loneliness that are infertility related from other things.  My fear is that it is not infertility after all, but maybe a wretched personality flaw or something.

Would a baby or two would change this anyways?  Am I just wired to be like this?

Ho Hum

Feeling a lonely tonight.  There are things to do but the rain and the quietness of the house is making me feel a bit melancholy.  Trying to focus on the good things coming up soon.

Fertility frenzy

So, my period showed up on a Saturday.   I called my local satellite clinic and asked if I could come in for my baseline suppression check.  They told me that they can do the ultrasound but there is no one to do the blood.  I will have to go to another lab to get that done.  I say that's fine by me.

I try to pick the lab and verify their hours, but I can't dial any of their 800 numbers because I am calling from out of country.  So, I call the nurse back to ask for her help.  She says not to worry because the technician is going to come in for me.   Phew.

I have my blood drawn then go for my ultrasound.  And, she finds another cyst.  This time it's bigger than the last.  I try to remain composed until I leave the office.  I thank them for all of the organizing that they did for us.  They tell us they will see us next month.

I cry for the hour drive home.  The last time they cancelled the cycle my blood work was ok, but the cyst was over their maximum 15mm threshold.  I know it's over for this month.  Also we figure it out and think that July is likely a bust too because it's right around the time we would need to be at CCRM we are both in a wedding.

Cue a massive dose of feeling sorry for ourselves.  I feel like this is it.  This is the end.  This is all I can take.  I want to move on to greener pastures.  I am done with this bullshit.  I'm done feeling bad all of the time because of this.  I have very limited emotional strength left and I want to use it up on something that has a higher chance of things working.   Maybe we should donate the $5,000 of meds we have at home and move on to egg donation.   D starts talking about fostering.  I envision having a foster child, getting attached and then the child being taken away from us.   I snap back at D no way.

We got a call from CCRM that my blood work is showing as within the acceptable range.  My estrogen was 55 and my progesterone 0.5. Whoop-de-do.  Dr. Surrey has reviewed everything and if we can have it aspirated that day, or the next day we can proceed with the IVF.

Huh?

We're confused but happy.

We call back our local clinic to see if the cyst can be dealt with within the 36 hours.  The doctor that is supposed to be on call isn't there.  He apparently reviewed the clinic's cases and then went on vacation with his family because their was nothing on their docket.  I was not because I am a satellite patient and I did not call in to say when I was expecting my CD2 (which I was not asked to do, nor do I ever even know in advance).

The nurse tries to call back of the on-call doctor with no luck.  Then she tries to get a local hospital or OBGYN to help us.  Nothing.

We call CCRM back and ask if the cyst can just be aspirated within 48 hours, on Tuesday.  What's the difference of 12 hours, right?

CCRM says no.   She also tells us that there's a possibility of the cycle being cancelled within the first 3-5 days of starting stims if the cyst comes back.

We go and do a quick errand for a friend.  Then we laid around the house and felt sorry for ourselves.  In the process we made a big mess of our house.  Eating pizza.  Laying in bed.  Laying on the swing outside and reading/surfing.  Acting like complete pigs.

We thought up a new plan.  We call a friend whose wife is a physician.  Maybe she has some contacts that could help us?  They don't know about our IF, but we decide to disclose because this is important.  She does not.

We called our fertility clinic from three years ago.  We have their on call number and think maybe the doctors are doing procedures on Memorial Day?  Maybe they would consider this for us because we are previous patients?  We call but can't get past their after hours secretary.

Our satellite clinic calls back and suggests that they can do the procedure first thing on Tuesday.   We think about lying to CCRM and just doing it "our way" anyways.    We remember the little talk CCRM gives everyone on their one day work up about us coming to CCRM for a reason, and trying to follow the doctor's advice, if you want the doctor's success rates.   We decide that it's a bad idea to lie.

We suddenly think, "why can't we go to Denver for this?".  We call CCRM and they squeeze us in for an appointment at 10:30 a.m. the next day.  It's now 5:30 p.m. We tell them we will check flights and call them back.

There is one leaving in 1 hour 40 minutes.  But the airport is at LEAST a 1 hour drive from our house.  And it's a long weekend with city traffic.   The flight is not cheap either.  We decide we can't make it in that time frame.  If we had 20 minutes more we could have made it work.

We decide that maybe our local Canadian doctor's office might be able to do something tomorrow.  It's not a holiday on Monday.  Maybe that will work?

I call first thing in the morning, but my OBGYN on vacation.

I call a local fertility doctor.  Maybe he'll be sympathetic?  The secretary says they only do it in in an operating room, and there isn't one booked for today, so he can't.

We give up.  It's over for this month.

Pretty much if my period came on ANY other day this month it, or we had thought of traveling to Denver just a little bit sooner, we could have worked it out.

The only silver lining is that we have a sweet mostly free trip now booked.  D gets the trip because of a volunteer position that he holds.  We were going to skip it, but now we get to go.  England, Holland Luxembourg and Belgium here we come!

PS) Any favourite destinations there? We are taking suggestions!

Memorial Day

If I'm ever not sure on when my period is going to come, I should just look at the calendar.   If there is a holiday or long weekend, or vacation plans that make it difficult to get lab work that will be when it will come.   CD1 this month on a long weekend, and if all goes well with the suppression check, D and I will miss an expenses-paid trip to London, England in mid-June with his work.  Seriously!

Thankfully we have amazing nurses at our clinic that go above and beyond for us.  One has even come in for us on her personal time and told me that she says prayers for us.  They are beyond sweet and understanding.

Hoping all of my American friends are having a good Memorial Day!