Friday, 10 October 2014

He's here!

We are so in love. With Carla, birthdad, their entire amazing, supportive family. And of course with this lil' guy. 

Born yesterday 7lbs 8oz.  He's doing well. Hoping to go home tomorrow. 

My heart is exploding with love. 

Tuesday, 7 October 2014

Just a quicky

To say that Carla is being induced tomorrow afternoon! :)))) 

If you are the praying type, please say a prayer for her. 

Will update you all again when there is news. 


Sunday, 5 October 2014

What a weekend.

My heart is full.

We had a surprise hour long phone call with Carla. She's so genuinely lovely. So sincere. So great. I love her. She's feeling much better and we are happy for her.

Then, shopping and buying things for the baby and setting up the nursery. Every package I opened, i had a tinge of "maybe I shouldn't in case this has to go back", but I took the plunge and did it anyways. When I see the baby stuff in our house, I can't believe it's real.  I love looking at it all.

My BF and MIL planned a surprise shower for us today.  It was just our closest friends and and family. It was perfect.  No games, just good company, yummy food and lovely gifts.

We also spent time with Lainey, Paul and their infant daughter. We ate an apple tart that I made and enjoyed hearing about their parenting & adoption experiences and snuggling with their daughter (and their cuddly cats too!).

I'm savouring this moment. I am so grateful to Carla. Because of her, and her choices and sacrifices the world is a sweeter place.

Thursday, 2 October 2014

To you

Scrolling through the blogs I read I was really struck (once again) today. 

Because, you know what? You are all awesome.

The things you have fought to get through. The battles are fighting today. The healing that you have Worked to achieve, the support that you have offered to your partners and to your friends.  I feel lucky to have a glimspe into your lives, and for you to be a part of mine. 

I am impressed with your strength. I and I am equally impressed with your ability to be real, and be vulnerable. 

I'm glad you are a part of my life. 


Tuesday, 30 September 2014

Update from the adoption agency.

After a period of silence from the adoption agency, we got two updates yesterday.

Carla is doing better.  She's still in the hospital, but has been given day passes.  She seems less manic.   Yesterday, she walked down to the agency to speak to the birth mother counsellor.  She wanted to ask her to pass along this message to us.

It's a boy.


Oh, my goodness!  It's a boy! A son.  Our son.  Wow.  

I'm feeling so much more comfortable with the fact that this is going to happen.  That our hearts aren't going to get smashed.

A couple of days ago, I went shopping for baby clothes.  I bought a ton of stuff.  Half way though shopping, I was feeling mildly disappointed with the gender neutral offerings.  I decided what the heck! I am going to buy boy things and girl things!  I thought, I could quickly wash what we need and return everything we don't need once the baby arrives.  

I've had it all displayed on our couch for days.  I just love looking at it.  It makes my heart sing.  I like showing my family it.  It makes it all feel more real.   So what if we can't sit on the majority of our sectional couch.  ;)

This morning, after I heard the news (via email), I put away the girl clothes.  I hid a note amongst all that remained, that says "I'm a boy!" and "My name is S (boy name) not C (girl name)" I'm waiting for D to get off his morning call so I can show him.   I wonder if he'll even notice, hehe.

All is well in my world today.  I am so thankful.  Things could be so different if it wasn't for Carla.  We are lucky.

Saturday, 20 September 2014

Carla and looking back to two years ago

There hasn't been much word on Carla.  The agency hasn't had a lot of communication with her, because only family is allowed in the hospital.   The hospital social worker has been communicating with the agency and she says she is doing better and may get to go home soon.

I'm doing a digital clean up this weekend of my computer.  Mostly my pictures, but I'm getting my documents in a little better order too.  I came across this poem I wrote two years ago, just after my 33rd birthday and after my 8th treatment had failed.

While the two years in between writing this were a lot of the same, I'm grateful to be in a different place now.  The pain that existed in so many moments for me is fading.  There were times that I didn't think that it would.

I guess I should read the writing,
It’s on the wall
I don’t want to
I don’t want to

It’s so painful to never know why
Despite so many tries

So many needles, so much medicine
I thought it was just a matter of time
Or another dime
Before it was our turn
Used to think it was for a lesson to learn

Why couldn’t it have worked?
Not in the cards, not in the plan
That is simply just something I can’t understand

So much invested
So much taken away
So heartbroken
Wishing the babies just stayed.

A current beneath the flesh
That will always run deep
We won’t forget you
Even though sometimes we might try
Endurance can get ugly

It’s only to forget the pain of
Living our life without you
Just isn’t the same

Families are growing
But loneliness is around us
Even God seems further way

Am I supposed to move on now?
I don’t see how
I don’t see how
How do you travel beyond

We will never get over this
It’s too painful to erase
Too many scars, sitting in just this one place

Each passing birthday
Just reminds
The part of ourselves
That we just can’t find…

Trying to fill the void in any other way
Just doesn’t work

But I’ll try anyway?

Tuesday, 9 September 2014

Carla's in the hospital

Thank you very much for all of your kind words on my last post.  Reading them warmed my heart and brought tears to my eyes.  I read them again and again. :) It was kind of you to reach out and share in this chapter of our lives.

There have been lots of things happening with Carla in a few short days.

According to the social workers, after our meeting, Carla's condition deteriorated further.  Her behaviour was increasingly agitated and erratic.  They said she was experiencing mania.    She is now in the hospital (at the same one where she plans to deliver), and they plan on keeping her until possibly until the baby is born (she's due October 15th)!

This was surprising news for us to hear.  She was noticeably emotional and agitated during the meeting with us, but we didn't think that was all that strange given the situation.  Having an unplanned pregnancy and anticipating a birth, making an adoption plan, breaking up with the birth father, and meeting us after she wasn't that keen on doing so was A LOT.  Add into the mix, tension and conflict with her relationship with her divorced parents.  We felt like, "who wouldn't be a mess?" under those conditions.  She is experiencing some of the most major things that anyone could possibly experience, and all at once.

I am glad she is in the hospital, because I know she is safe, and the baby is safe.

However, I am also scared for her health now, and after the baby is born.  I am also scared for the stress the baby is under.  I am worried about if they decide that she needs medication, because I know the side effects to the baby can be worrisome.  I feel like this poor little child has already been through so much - smoking, marijuana and stress.   I am glad that she will be less likely to be able to find a way to smoke anything while in the hospital, which is a relief.

I am thankful to live in a country where she can get medical care, even though she does not work.  I am thankful that the people working at the adoption agency took her condition seriously and followed up with her and encouraged her to seek care.  I am thankful that the people at the hospital recognized the need for her to be admitted and are carefully weighing the risks of medicating her.  It is good that her care is happening this major hospital, where she plans to give birth.

I was speaking with my friend Lainey the other day.  She said to me, "people think adoption is all roses.  But there is a lot of pain and loss".  I'm getting deeper understanding of that today.

The social worker also says that in her current state, she is would not be able to sign consents for the adoption.  She said asking Carla to bank the cord blood would be too much at this time, that we should just forget about that.  She left those little bombs on my voicemail.

I'm disappointed about the cord blood.  I know it's a luxury to even think about being able to do such a thing,  but I selfishly feel like how hard could that be after going through a delivery? It doesn't hurt her, but has so many potential benefits for the child.  I get the desire not to add any more stress to her situation, but, uh. :/

I'm not surprised about the consents, but will call the social worker today when D's done his meetings to get more information.   It probably just means a longer wait period before the baby she is able to revoke her parental rights, and uh, more counselling fees for the agency.

One good thing is that I haven't heard that she's been having second thoughts about the adoption plan she's made.  Those will be my comforts for the day.  1.  She's confident in her plan.  2.  She and the baby are in a safe and caring place.

I'm tightening my seatbelt and preparing for what's ahead.