Friday, 27 June 2014
Monday, 23 June 2014
Sunday, 22 June 2014
We're still at our cottage. It's been wonderful, until now.
Two nights ago we had a big party for my cousin's 30th birthday. A few people spent the night. Somehow, between 2 and 6 am, while we were sleeping, our 21lb, 8 year old indoor cat got out of the house and has not returned. Shit.
We've done a lot to find him. All with out any luck. He was spotted about a mile from our home, headed in the direction of our primary residence.
He's a great pet, and D's baby. D is a HUGE animal lover. He rides shotgun with D at work in his home office. D has been extremely emotionally distraught, even having anxiety attacks last night. He doesn't need anymore loss. Not now.
Any ideas on how to find him? We've put up tons of posters with a reward offer. We have thouroughly canvassed the area, several times, day and night. My dad took a four wheeler through the bush. Friends have drove around searching. We've called humane societies and posted in several lost & found places online.
Friday, 13 June 2014
D has always been more onside with pursuing adoption instead of fertility treatments. He sees and hears about families with adopted children more regularly than I do. When he does, he feels like it could have been us, if we had jumped on the adoption band wagon sooner. We could be parenting right now instead of gearing up for our 9th transfer, and just beginning our to wait to be matched with a child.
Who knows what would have happened? But now, I feel like I think he may be right. While we made all of our decisions on how to proceed jointly, I can't help but feel responsible for the weight of this sadness. I am the one who has pushed for fertility treatments more than adoption.
If it was up to him, we would have ditched the fertility treatments long ago. He even said recently that he wished our embryos would have all been abnormal because it would have ended our fertility journey. Ouch. He may have said that out of stress and anger, but I think it shows just how finished he is with all of our fertility stuff.
Another reason why D has been struggling is because of news regarding our friends recent adoption plans. Lainey and Paul are our closest infertile friends who we love spending time with. They registered with the same adoption agencies as us, at the same time, and we share the same social worker.
As you may remember, at the agency's request, we pulled our application when we learned that I was pregnant. During that time, they got the call that they were being considered for a match! It seemed like a great situation. The risks to the newborn were low, and something neat was that the birth mother is Asian and the father is Eastern European, and Lainey and Paul are too.
Right around the same time, we were having a meeting with our social worker and a birth mother counsellor. They told us anonymous stories about recent matches that happened. We knew they could be talking about our friends. They mentioned after a long lull in birth parents coming forward, that they were now dealing with five (!!) new situations.
D and I both bit our lips. We were keenly aware that if things had worked out differently with our last cycle, that we may have been considered for one of those babies. That there might not be any more babies for a while now.
They told us a story about one of those matches. It was a couple who looked at several profiles and weren't feeling connected with anyone, only to see the next batch of profiles and realize right away that the had found the couple for them. They viewed the couple as easy going, older, more mature, versions of themselves. I felt like they were talking about our friends.
Shortly after, we got news that Lainey and Paul were matched! After hearing the news, I felt happy in a way that I never have for anyone else who announced they were expecting before. So genuinely over the moon happy and excited. I didn't honestly even know I had that level of excitement in me after all of this infertility crap. It was all I could think about. It gave me such hope that adoption just might work out for us too.
I think that thought - that this could actually work out for us - is the one piece of the adoption puzzle that's been missing for me throughout this journey. I heard so many horror stories through the adoption process that I felt scared to even begin opening ourselves up to the potential of that kind of pain, after all we have already been through on the fertility front. Hearing their news really changed my perspective and motivated me to continue to pursue our adoption plans.
Lainey and Paul began to quickly put together all of the supplies they would need for their baby. A nursery, a car seat, you name it. They were also trying to prepare their careers for their absences from work, especially her parental leave. They met with the birth family and had a nice visit. They jointly decided that the birth parents would choose the second name, and our friends would choose the first name. Things went from moving slowly to lightening speed.
Lainey is also a part time photographer, and got the opportunity to photograph childbirth. I know she was in awe at the birth and I'm sure it had extra meaning knowing what was going on in their lives. The day after watching the birth, they got the call that their daughter had arrived three and a half weeks early! They rushed to go see her soon after her birth. One of the names chosen for her was Julia!
I got the text with the news while my friends were visiting a couple of weekends ago. I burst into tears. Everyone were all worried that something bad had happened. I don't think I've ever cried in front of them. I all I could say at first was "It's good news!". They were excited also to hear about the news. It wasn't really my place to share, but after all of the tears, I had to tell them what was happening. I also thought it was okay to do so because none of them know them or live in the same cities. We talked about our adoption process after and it was really nice.
When Lainey and Paul got to the hospital to meet their daughter, they also met with members of the birth parent's extended family. (Interestingly, the birth father was also adopted.) Paul and Lainey introduced themselves to everyone and Paul gave his contact information to everyone that was there. The family gave them gifts for the baby. Everything was going well. It was probably a picture perfect example of an open adoption.
The day after the baby arrived, a relative stepped forward and said that he was not aware of the pregnancy and he was going to make his own adoption plan. While the birth father wanted to proceed with Lainey and Paul as parents, the mother was now put in a very difficult position with her relatives and said she would not decide. Where I live, when a parent won't decide on an adoption plan, it means that the family may have some rights in deciding the fate of the baby.
Paul and Lainey were asked to leave by the social workers. I received a text saying that after 3 days with her, that they were going home with an empty car seat. Our friend's hearts were shattered, and ours were too. The social workers scrambled to figure out what was happening.
A day later, they got a call from the social workers, saying not to give up hope yet. That there was still a chance that the match could be made. They were going to have more meetings with the birth parents, and the relatives to sort out everyone's thoughts and feelings.
We waited from afar in horror. This was one of my worst adoption nightmares coming true. It put D in an even darker place. "Why was this happening? Why didn't that relative step forward earlier in the process?" we asked. "Why does this have to be so hard?" Lainey asked us, as we wondered the same thing.
The day after the meetings, they got word that the birth parents decided to proceed with Lainey and Paul as parents! What a tremendous relief.
They are now in the waiting period to bring home their daughter. Because of the tumultuous start, the child is in foster care, to give everyone some time to cool off. Apparently they may get to bring her home before the waiting period is over. They still aren't out of the woods yet, but things are looking positive.
I am so glad that things are still progressing with their adoption. Lainey and Paul have been under such stress. And when I imagine what it must be like for the birth mother and father, and relatives, I know it's not easy for them either. Adoption can be so complicated. It's a reminder to me of all that can go right with adoption, but also of all that can go terribly wrong.
Thursday, 12 June 2014
He kept us afloat when we were in the thick of everything with our last miscarriage, even though I know it was very difficult for him to do, because he was mourning too.
Now, a couple of months later, he's heavily grieving. Our childlessness, combined with the fact that he has a lot of other things on his plate to deal with, is making him feel very depressed.
There's been a major downturn in his industry. Promising leads into a couple of new business prospects have fallen flat.
He's struggling majorly with his faith - something I can't help but feel partially responsible for, as my faith is at a very low point. And while I support him in his own personal journey, I know he feels my absence in this area.
He is so sad. Having any one of his buckets (as he refers to them) refilled; spiritually, parentally, or in his career would help so much. It's just really rough when all of them are low.
Throw in his 38th birthday recently and the poor guy's in rough shape. I know how bad he's hurting, because I've been in those lows, and I see him struggling. I wish I could do more to help.
PS) HCG is still 20. At cycle day 14, the saline sono's going to have to wait until next month.
PS) HCG is still 20. At cycle day 14, the saline sono's going to have to wait until next month.
Friday, 6 June 2014
All things fertility have been progressing slowly, and shhhh...don't tell anyone, but this time I don't mind.
I've been distracted with company and home renovation projects (mostly painting). It feels good to think about other things.
Some of the company that came were my friends that I wrote about a lot in the month of May. I worried a bit that things might feel a bit awkward after asking for more support, but they weren't. Phew!
We had a wonderful time. The weather was great, we rode bikes and went on a 3 hour boat cruise, ate tons of yummy food and had a bon fire. We sat on a floating couch thingy that they bought for us for hours. It was my idea of perfection. I'm feeling very grateful for the time we've been able to spend here and for how things worked out with them.
If we hadn't all talked before they visited, I know this weekend (if it happened at all) may have been tainted with resentment towards them. I'm thankful that the lines of communication were opened.
This week, we had another meeting with Dr. S.
The purpose of the meeting was to find out more info about our CCS results.
We were wondering if they could determine anything from the abnormalities ie) if they were from sperm or egg issues? He said they had no way of knowing his information.
The 3 normals we had were 3 of our highest rated embryos. They were previously rated:
He suggested re-testing our no results.
We asked again about if he thought if we should transfer 1 or 2 embryos and what his rationale was for his response. Last time when we didn't have our CCS results, he suggested two.
Surprisingly, said two again. He said this is because of the number of embryos and transfers we have had in the past. He said we didn't know for sure if the ones we transferred were normal or abnormal.
This was very different advice than what we got from Dr. Gustofson with our last transfer (at the same clinic). He suggested one when we didn't know if they were normal or not.
(Side note: In my heart, I believe that most if not all of the embryos we transferred in the past were abnormal. Of course, I have no proof of this. I believe this however , because seven of them were donor embies where there were known miscarriage issues. The next six were our genetic embies (with all of our issues) and the last one one was the donor egg (where we know that at least 5 of the last 11 were abnormal- so who knows if that one was normal or not).
Regarding our last DE embaby, I'd be interested in knowing if it was more or less likely to have been because of a genetic abnormality after finding a heart rate? I didn't think to ask.
In our meeting with Dr. S, there were a few annoying contradictions. They were about medications and protocols. There was also some contradictory info between what Dr. G said the last time and what Dr. S said, and what Dr. G said made more sense.
Dr. S is slipping out of our good books. We're going to stick with him, but D and I are feeling a bit frustrated with him. He's supposed to be the best, but he tells us different things at each meeting. I feel like it's because he has barely reviewed our file before our call. He says one thing, I remind him of what he said before and why, and then he changes his tune. We have very high expectations of him and this clinic, yes, but I know the contradictions would be something I would be annoyed at if they happened somewhere else too. For example, how many times should I have to remind them that I can't take the pill because of my family history and my risk of stroke? Gah!
Anyways, Overall, he said that he was glad we did the CCS, which he previously described as something he didn't recommend and "overkill".
I think transferring two normal embryos (which Dr. S says almost all of his DE patients do) might be overkill. Who knows though, we're still thinking about it.
Now, I will continue to wait for my HCG to drop below 5.
I had a test recently and I'm still awaiting the results. After it has dropped, I'll need one more test and then my fertility vacation will be over.
Friday, 23 May 2014
We don't have the full genetic report yet, but we have our overall CCS results.
PS) My HCG was 90. I'll repeat it in another week.
Just a reminder, that of our 10 DE embryos we were expecting 3 or 4 normals.
We have 3 normals and 2 no-result.
We are in the process of finding out if the 'no results' can be re-tested. If there was a cost we wouldn't do it. Have any of you had experience with this?
D was scared we'd have no normals because of his wonky sperm, so he's relieved. I'm happy with the result. Not ecstatic, but very pleased.
We'll (hopefully) have a regroup with the doctor soon to discuss all of this.
We're only going to transfer one at a time. And another miscarriage might mean we look at using a known gestational carrier. (If those who have offered are still willing).
That's where we are at! Your thoughts or suggestions are welcomed and appreciated. We're in new territory!
PS) My HCG was 90. I'll repeat it in another week.