Wednesday, 15 March 2017

32 weeks


This pregnancy is going well.   I'm starting to get large and people are commenting on it.  Got my first "you look like you're ready to pop comment" today.  Didn't feel that great to hear given that this baby is due 8 weeks from now and I've been doing well in the weight gain department. 

Most of my weight gain is in my belly.  So far, I don't have any stretch marks, but I know that this is probably when they are going to start showing up. My sister escaped them until her 40th week of pregnancy.  I don't have a working home scale, but the last time I was at the doctor's office I was on the low range of what was considered normal for weight gain.  I think the only reason this has stayed somewhat in check is because I can no longer eat large portions of anything.  This baby must be sitting right on my stomach.  Eating a large portion doesn't just make me feel too full, it's very uncomfortable.   A lot of foods just don't seem desirable anymore either.  

Anyways, it's funny what ends up on the keyboard, because I had no intentions of sitting here typing about my weight gain.   Blogging and therapy are kind of similar for me.  I get surprised by what comes out sometimes.  

I can feel baby girl moving around a lot.  Last night, there was a very distinct movement of a hand or a foot across the top of my belly.  She just kept it there, and I could feel and see the tiny bump sticking out.  It was like she was trying to stretch out her space.  It is so strange.    

My previa has been resolving.  At my last ultrasound a couple of weeks ago, it had moved to marginal and was 1.4 cm from my cervix.  My doctor says it has to be 2cm away to have a vaginal birth.   I go for another ultrasound tomorrow, and for one every two weeks from here on out.  

Funny thing is that I spent fair bit of time making peace with the c-section.  I was a bit worried about breast feeding after a c-section, recovery with a toddler in the house, and feeling cooped up for 6 weeks with no driving.  Then I started thinking - "Hey! I may not feel any labour pains! And the baby won't be born in the middle of the night! I could have ended up with one anyways.  I can plan when my helpers will arrive a little better.   And sweet - my vagina will be intact!" 

But, then I listened to a podcast (The Longest Shortest Time - Episode 110 "Risky Birth-ness").  The unintentional effects of this for me adding to my positive feelings about a c-section, after hearing about vaginal birth injuries and complications.   Fast forward to now, when a vaginal birth is probably an option and all that information is freaking me out a tad. 

I remind myself that I wanted to experience pregnancy, and childbirth so badly.  Now, I kind of shake my head at the childbirth part of this.   Eeks.  

I stopped taking my happy pills (antidepressant) soon after I found out I was pregnant.  At the time, I was thinking of stopping them anyways, as I had been on them for 1.5 years and was feeling pretty good.    Up until a couple of weeks ago, I'd really been feeling well in this department. 

Anxiety and a bit of depression have been sneaking their way back into my life though.   Anxiety about childbirth, nursing, managing two kids, feeling lonely, and feeling bored (can winter just be over now?!?  This Canadian is tapped out.)   Our son has had 4 viral bugs since Christmas Eve, and it's taking it's toll.  He pukes/gets a cold, we stay home, he pukes in random places, we clean it, we visit doctors and sometimes the ER visit (he has asthma that is complicated by any illnesses).  Plans are canceled and he can't go to his twice weekly babysitter (our sanity), or on any playdates or activities.  He gets bored at home and starts asking to go "somewhere special" before he's well enough to go.   It's draining.   

I really just need more stimulation in my life, but it's a hard thing to achieve at this moment.  I'm thinking about going back on the happy pills because I'm very scared of combining this low-level feeling of malaise with post-partum hormones and sleep deprivation.   

I type this out, all with a nagging sense of guilt reminding myself that we fought so hard to become parents and now have everything that we ever hoped for.  I think that's one of the less commonly talked about after effects of infertility and loss.  It's like there is no space, even within my own thoughts for the challenges of parenting.  Sometimes, even though we have hoped for something so much, it can be really, really difficult in moments, and seasons.   Having gone through infertility to get here doesn't change those.  I need to remind myself of this.  




Tuesday, 24 January 2017

Placenta Previa

So, we've hit one little snag in the pregnancy.   I'm hoping it stays little.

I've known for a while that I have placenta previa (aka a low lying placenta).   This week, after a bout with a gastro-bug and some personal stress in my family, I had a bit of bleeding.

It's nothing too major.  Dark brown, not red.  And not a lot, just a heavy spotting.

I'm hoping it was an isolated thing related to my vomiting, but it's complete previa, meaning the placenta covers my entire cervix, so it may not be.

I think the chances of the placenta moving and correcting are getting slimmer by the day.  I'm 25 weeks now.  A c-section is needed in previa cases.  Which stinks, but oh well. Honestly, I'm just so happy to have this baby any way it decides to come into the world.

Hubs' anxiety has been remarkably in check for months.  This has sparked something in him though, and he's a worrying, googling mess asking me what was on the toilet paper every single time I go to the washroom.

I sent my little pumpkin to the babysitter for the full week this week so I could take it easy.  It's like a mini-vacation.  That part of things is kind of awesome, I'm not going to lie. ;)


Tuesday, 17 January 2017

Checking in

I'm still in disbelief that this is really happening to us.  

My worries have thankfully faded a bit from weeks ago about this pregnancy not continuing.   We've reached the point where this pregnancy could be viable if the baby was born -24 weeks today!   That is astonishing.

I can now regularly feel Baby GIRL (yes - that's right! A GIRL!) kick and move.   Usually after the little guy is in bed I lay in mine, totally exhausted from the day (it doesn't take much), and that's when Baby Girl puts on her acrobatic show.  It's such a lovely feeling that I never in a million years thought I'd get to experience.   Hubby can feel it now too which is neat.

I've started decorating and organizing a nursery.  Seeing that room makes me more excited than anything.

The other day we posted our pregnancy announcement on FB.  I made a video of the little guy saying "I'm going to be a big brother" I'm going to have a baby sister"  I asked him where the baby was, and he pointed to his belly, then quickly realizing it wasn't in there, he pointed to mine and he squealed.   It turned out really cute.  Hearing everyone's surprise and congratulations was also a neat moment.

I'm sure Little Boy doesn't get what's about to happen (he'll be 2.5yrs in May when she's born), but he does say the odd really cute thing about having a new sister.   We play a little game in the car where I ask him "Who's my my hunny bunny?"  He shouts out names "Gamma!" I say noooo (thinking definitely not, haha), then he'll say other people's names, and I say no.  Eventually, he'll say his version of his name or "Daddy" and I say "yes!!!".  I asked him a couple days ago who his hunny bunny was and he said "Baby Sister!" I can't wait to see their relationship develop.

Although, keeping it real - I am also a bit worried about his transition from being the center of our universe.   And for moments like the other day, where he ran across a gym full of toddlers with a thank God,  soft squishy ball,  and yelled "boink the baby on the head" and proceeded to do just that before I could intervene.    The baby was a trooper (she has two older siblings and it didn't even phase her), but oh man! Baby Girl may not have the peaceful infancy that he had!

We've also started to think about Baby Girl names.  I'm pretty stumped.   Heeeelllllp!






Wednesday, 30 November 2016

17 weeks

Still pregnant here! 17 weeks! Today I had an ultrasound and everything is "all gold stars" as my OB says. 


The shock has not warn off; but acceptance and excitement are now here too!  


Not much else to report, but just wanted to check in!  Next ultrasound will be Dec 22 for a full anatomy scan. 


Tuesday, 25 October 2016

Still pregnant, huh?

Holy crap. Guess what? I'm still pregnant. Like as of 5 minutes ago when I heard the baby's heartbeat on my home doppler.  Whaaaaa?!?!? 

This is nuts. 

I'm 11 weeks, 5 days.  The time is creeping sloooooowly along. 

The shock has not subsided. Acceptance is not here either. 

I'm kind of living in a weird state of limbo where my brain can't admit that yes, my body is actually still pregnant and boobs have never looked better. 

My tummy is growing, yet I can't quite bring myself to buy many new clothes yet, for fear that If I had to grieve the loss of this pregnancy and get rid of maternity pants, that it would be an added ounce of pain that isn't worth it yet. 

The f*cked up infertile that I thought I had banished to the basement of my emotions for the past couple years is apparently still alive and well. 

I can't stop thinking that I never even dreamt about a natural pregnancy, since I was 28 years old and I heard our infertility diagnoses because our chances were so bleak. We didn't ever have timed intercourse because I felt like it was pointless (and ha! I thought our treatments would work).  

There was never even a thought in my mind in over 10 years that this could happen.  I thought of it as a small blessing in a way, that I didn't have to get my hopes up every single month for nothing. 

I'm still shaking my head that I'm even writing about such a thing- happening to us. 


I really hope this continues.  What an unbelievably awesome ending it would be to everything we've been through. 

Thursday, 6 October 2016

Ultrasound

The baby is actually only 9 weeks, has a strong heart rate and everything is as it should be. 

Bloodwork is all normal, and my hcg is still rising. Now 98,000. 

This is getting real! Wow, just wow. 




Wednesday, 5 October 2016

Heartbeat

Ok...so there was a heartbeat!!!!!!!!

 170bpm. 

This is freaking nuts. Absolutely mind blowing. 

The doctor says she thinks I would be 10-12 weeks pregnant based on my hcg, uterus size and the baby's (what- did I just write baby!?!?) heart rate. 

Today, I was at a clinic. Long story short I'm away from home for a while and it's harder to get the medical care I'm used to. There was not ultrasound machine, so the doctor used a doppler.  

I got referred for an ultrasound tomorrow.