Saying goodbye

My Grandfather has taken a turn for the worse.  The doctors now have given him only 3-5 days to live.  We have canceled our IVF plans and will be traveling to be with him and my family.

He led a full life and was a wonderful man.  But he'll be gone way to soon.  He was a very healthy, vibrant and strong 75 year old man.

Things never seem easy.

CD2 ultrasound

Yesterday the CCRM nurse faxed the instructions for today's ultrasound.  However there wasn't anything written on it but "rule out cysts".  I thought it was a typo and and oversight.  There was nothing about checking my lining or pre-antricles or blood work.  I was so confused. 

So I called the nurse at CCRM to question it.  It turns out that they were only trying to rule out the cyst.  If it was gone they wanted to start me on the priming again and do some suppression this month if the stims were gone.  

Hold the phone.   

Cue alarm at them not knowing my case.   (I'm not totally surprised at this - but the suppression thing really through me for a loop!)

I told her that we didn't want to do that.  For a few reasons:  

1. That I felt like it was more than a coincidence that I had only ever had cysts while taking the testosterone.   

2. That I read the research and the priming protocol only lead to one more egg on average per retrieval, and I was willing to sacrifice it. 

3.  That D and I were nearing the end of trying and we really just want to get this going (likely the most pressing reason)

4.  That I didn't think the doctor would want to suppress me with lupron or other meds because it would  over suppress me.   

5. That I may still have a cyst and this could all be moot. 

She said she would call the doctor and call me back. 

She promptly returned my call and said the doctor agreed.  She sent me a new requisition that included blood work.  

Today I had that done and yay! No cysts! No cysts! No cysts!!! 

My blood work showed that my estrogen and progesterone were suppressed so I'm good to go!  Starting stims tomorrow! 

I can't believe it! I'm so pumped! 

Support in all the right places

It's embarrassing to admit, and annoying to experience.

When D is down and turns to me for support, I almost always start feeling down after myself.  Usually this happens after a few days.  It's like the heaviness of what he has said sinks in, and I start feeling myself go lower.

I despise that this happens.  I wish that I could be stronger.  I wish that I would not internalize everything, as is my nature.  I wish that him confiding in me could feel healthier for us both.

I want to be there for him.  But it's so hard to see your spouse hurting that bad.  I think it's harder also because he doesn't talk to his friends or family about IF stuff, leaving it all for me. 

I do.  Admittedly though, it's rarely the heavy emotional stuff that I want (and need) to get off my chest, and more like the keeping up-to-date kind of stuff.   Every little bit helps though, and I am grateful for the empathy that I have received. 

Sometimes however, it starts to wear on me that in some most of my long term friendships and family relationships that they have really no clue of what this experience has been like for us.  Either because they haven't asked or because I've glossed over the ugliness and spared them the details all of these years. 

A few weeks ago I had a friend ask me "what's the worst thing about infertility?" I love that she asked me this.  It was healing just to hear her say it.   It's one that nobody has ever taken the time to ask me before.  Or, that I've even asked myself.   

A lot of things came to mind so I asked her for clarification, "physically or emotionally?"  I wanted her to respond by saying "either" or "both".   I have a lot on my mind after five years of being stuck in IF-land.   The wounds from the emotional category has hands down been the hardest part on us. 

She answered "physically".  The first thing that pops in my head now to that question, is my miscarriage.  It was a misoprostal-induced vomiting crampy ugly nightmare.   However, for some reason,  I answered her that it was the vaginal progesterone supplements that you need to do three times a day for weeks on end.  I told her about the extra pleasure of getting to jam tiny little blue estrogen pills amongst the foamy mess in your who-ha every day.  I told her about how this results in smurf-like discharge which is especially a turn on and is great for your sex life.  I told her about how one of my fellow IF friends jokingly started calling intercourse "smurf sex".     

Even better than her asking me this, was that after I responded, she did not promptly jump out of the car.   

Reflecting on this makes me realize that it took courage for her to ask me this question, AND listen to my answer (even if it was only part of it).  She risked watching my tears flow and hearing something she probably wouldn't like, and might stick in her thoughts for awhile.  I love her for it.  THIS is how I want to be there for my husband.  I'm working on it. 

I want to know what your experiences have been like.  I want you to have the opportunity to share   your worst, like I did.

I'm asking you to share.  What has been the worst thing about your infertility?