Wednesday, 15 March 2017

32 weeks

This pregnancy is going well.   I'm starting to get large and people are commenting on it.  Got my first "you look like you're ready to pop comment" today.  Didn't feel that great to hear given that this baby is due 8 weeks from now and I've been doing well in the weight gain department. 

Most of my weight gain is in my belly.  So far, I don't have any stretch marks, but I know that this is probably when they are going to start showing up. My sister escaped them until her 40th week of pregnancy.  I don't have a working home scale, but the last time I was at the doctor's office I was on the low range of what was considered normal for weight gain.  I think the only reason this has stayed somewhat in check is because I can no longer eat large portions of anything.  This baby must be sitting right on my stomach.  Eating a large portion doesn't just make me feel too full, it's very uncomfortable.   A lot of foods just don't seem desirable anymore either.  

Anyways, it's funny what ends up on the keyboard, because I had no intentions of sitting here typing about my weight gain.   Blogging and therapy are kind of similar for me.  I get surprised by what comes out sometimes.  

I can feel baby girl moving around a lot.  Last night, there was a very distinct movement of a hand or a foot across the top of my belly.  She just kept it there, and I could feel and see the tiny bump sticking out.  It was like she was trying to stretch out her space.  It is so strange.    

My previa has been resolving.  At my last ultrasound a couple of weeks ago, it had moved to marginal and was 1.4 cm from my cervix.  My doctor says it has to be 2cm away to have a vaginal birth.   I go for another ultrasound tomorrow, and for one every two weeks from here on out.  

Funny thing is that I spent fair bit of time making peace with the c-section.  I was a bit worried about breast feeding after a c-section, recovery with a toddler in the house, and feeling cooped up for 6 weeks with no driving.  Then I started thinking - "Hey! I may not feel any labour pains! And the baby won't be born in the middle of the night! I could have ended up with one anyways.  I can plan when my helpers will arrive a little better.   And sweet - my vagina will be intact!" 

But, then I listened to a podcast (The Longest Shortest Time - Episode 110 "Risky Birth-ness").  The unintentional effects of this for me adding to my positive feelings about a c-section, after hearing about vaginal birth injuries and complications.   Fast forward to now, when a vaginal birth is probably an option and all that information is freaking me out a tad. 

I remind myself that I wanted to experience pregnancy, and childbirth so badly.  Now, I kind of shake my head at the childbirth part of this.   Eeks.  

I stopped taking my happy pills (antidepressant) soon after I found out I was pregnant.  At the time, I was thinking of stopping them anyways, as I had been on them for 1.5 years and was feeling pretty good.    Up until a couple of weeks ago, I'd really been feeling well in this department. 

Anxiety and a bit of depression have been sneaking their way back into my life though.   Anxiety about childbirth, nursing, managing two kids, feeling lonely, and feeling bored (can winter just be over now?!?  This Canadian is tapped out.)   Our son has had 4 viral bugs since Christmas Eve, and it's taking it's toll.  He pukes/gets a cold, we stay home, he pukes in random places, we clean it, we visit doctors and sometimes the ER visit (he has asthma that is complicated by any illnesses).  Plans are canceled and he can't go to his twice weekly babysitter (our sanity), or on any playdates or activities.  He gets bored at home and starts asking to go "somewhere special" before he's well enough to go.   It's draining.   

I really just need more stimulation in my life, but it's a hard thing to achieve at this moment.  I'm thinking about going back on the happy pills because I'm very scared of combining this low-level feeling of malaise with post-partum hormones and sleep deprivation.   

I type this out, all with a nagging sense of guilt reminding myself that we fought so hard to become parents and now have everything that we ever hoped for.  I think that's one of the less commonly talked about after effects of infertility and loss.  It's like there is no space, even within my own thoughts for the challenges of parenting.  Sometimes, even though we have hoped for something so much, it can be really, really difficult in moments, and seasons.   Having gone through infertility to get here doesn't change those.  I need to remind myself of this.