Menstrual madness and the last couple of days

So... what does cycle day 52 look like for this woman?  It's emotional. Big doses of anger, disappointment, sadness, anxiousness.  This picture above might as well be of me, because it's how I feel.  Except she should have puffy eyes and blotchy skin from crying.  I'm pretty sure if D was being honest, he'd tell you that is the woman he's been looking at the past couple of weeks too.

Yesterday I sent an email to my nurse  to check in.  It reminded them that it was cycle day 51.  That I had waited the 10 days after taking the progesterone.  That I was not seeing any other signs of my period coming despite having slight cramps every day for the past two weeks (it has actually probably been three now that I think of it).  

I asked her what the plan was going forward?  How long will they let me wait for a period?  What medicines/tests are they thinking of?  Etc. I specifically asked for her to check in with all of this with the doctor.  I feel like she doesn't ask him, that she with some help from the other nurses are making too many guesstimates. 

I didn't decide to fly across the continent for this nurse.  I did so for Dr. Schoolcraft, the superstar lab and AND his well trained team.   A package deal, but I need him to be the quarterback, not the supervisor from a distance - which is what I feel like is happening at this point in time.  I'm going to continue to request that the doctor review my file.  

At around 4pm (in my time zone) the CCRM nurse responded.  "This is not typical at all.  Can you get in to your local clinic for blood and ultrasound tomorrow?"  Then a few minutes later I got another email that said Dr. Schoolcraft thinks there will be an answer in your test results on what is going on.

They requested an ultrasound for lining thickness and pattern, hCG, LH, Progesterone, Estrogen.  

If I hadn't followed up with them, I am quite sure that I would not have heard from them to follow up with me.  They had not requested for me to call if I had not got my period.  With the weekend coming it would have likely been Monday or later that they would have possibly even thought of my case. I feel like I'm on their back burner.  This makes me so mad and disappointed.  

D says at least at our local clinic we knew that they were thinking of us every day.  

The CCRM nurse told me she was expecting my lining to be nice and thin at today's ultrasound.  

This morning, I had my ultrasound locally.  Today I had my long time IVF nurse because my new donor nurse I was recently switched to was off unexpectedly.   She asked me how things were going and I had a hard time keeping it together.  I was fighting tears and she just kept saying how she was so sorry and she knew we were going to be good parents one day.  This made me want to cry even more.   She has a kind heart and I am grateful for her. 

She checked my lining.  And it was 6 point something.   Not thin.  And it was triple striped! What the heck?!? They told me over two weeks ago that they through my lining looked luteal.  And not to mention that I've had 10 days of progesterone, and they saw what they thought was a collapsing follicle over 2 weeks ago.   When she took out the vaginal probe she drew my attention to the slight pinkish tinge on the end of the probe.  That was the first pink (etc) I'd seen in well over a month. 

She wondered if it was the lupron doing this to me? I told her the CCRM nurse said that the lupron was just to stop me from ovulating through the estrogen patches that I was supposed to start after my period came.  That the CCRM nurse said it wouldn't stop a period.    My local nurse didn't seem to think that was the case, but I trust CCRM more on this one.  (Any of you have experience with this?)

My CCRM nurse called to say that she received the ultrasound results but not the blood yet. She said it was triple lined, and thick. It was very surprising to her.  She asked if the ultrasound person could have made a mistake?  I said no, that I saw it too, that I had a copy of the ultrasound and I would scan it and send it to her (she said her copy that she received by fax wasn't that clear).  She asked me if I had a lot of discharge with the progesterone, and if they were expired?  I told her I shoved those things in as far as they would go, and yes there was some discharge.  I double checked the progesterone, and no it wasn't even close to expiring. 

Then she told me she got a new job.  And that I was going to have a new nurse as of Monday.  I'm kind of feeling neutral about this.  I think it will depend on how much I like my new nurse.   I hope I like her.  Her name starts with C and she's Schoolcraft's donor nurse.  Do any of you CCRM-ers have her? 

I ended the call by asking her if she could really get as much information as possible from Dr. Schoolcraft, to give us as much as possible to go on.  She said she would. 

......

I just made a call to my local clinic for the blood results.  I couldn't wait for CCRM to call, I wanted to be prepared with some questions for them. 

My levels were:

LH 5.8

Prog 0.6

Est 40

hCG >1

I don't know what that means.  I thought something would jump off the page for me, but it doesn't.

.................

Two other things in my online life have upset me.

Over the last couple of days, I've been following a Resolve.org post.  I don't go to this site often, but there was a time that it was my lifeline.   I stumbled upon a post of a woman who had just experienced a stillbirth after a long journey with infertility.  Reading that post and seeing such raw grief was terrifying.  It has set me back.  I cry for her and all of the other women who wrote in to support of her, sharing similar experiences.   I am so terrified that after our struggle, that this could one day be us.  I don't know that I could pick myself up after that type of loss.

Another blogger, Mara from A Blog About Love, wrote recently about how she and her hubby have decided to end their fertility journey, and that they will not be pursuing adoption because they are out of stamina.  Before infertility, and early in my journey I could never understand how people could give up on their dreams of having children.  Now, after almost 7 years of infertility, I understand.  Knowing that feeling frightens me.  

...................

Oh, and to boot I am having a problem getting my money back from The Donor Source.  After two months of emailing to receive my promised refund I still don't have my money!  They've been telling me that they were "waiting for accounting to sign off" on it FOR THE LAST MONTH.  So yesterday, fed up, I told them if they didn't get back to me by today that I would be taking much more severe measures.  I hadn't totally determined what severe was going to be yet.  I imagined phone calls to senior management, trying to get the credit card payment returned as fraudulent by my credit card company, a letter from my lawyer or something of the sort. 

After getting another "I've done all I can do, it's sitting on the CFO's desk" from my contact person, I called the CFO directly.  

I'm usually very terrible at giving people negative feedback or giving them a piece of my mind.  Except for to D, poor guy.  However today fuelled by my extended PMS and other frustrations, I called the CFO.  

I told her that it was completely unprofessional to withhold a refund for TWO months.  That it affects people's lives to not have this money.  I listened to her apologize (which sounded somewhat genuine but not overly enthusiastic).  She told me the money would be put back on my card today, as she had now signed off on it.  I told her that I wasn't going to belabour the point, but I really needed her to understand just how totally unprofessional this was, and that I was disgusted.   She agreed that it was unprofessional.   I took her private phone number down just in case the money didn't show up today. 

So far, it's not here.  

....................

Ya, so um... that's my rant for the day.  Happy Friday?  Hope yours is going better than mine. 

Dear Newly Diagnosed Self,

There's another little post floating around Facebook that I keep seeing.  It's a post about a childless pregnant person, and what she would tell her pregnant self in hindsight after the baby was born.

It got me thinking.  What would my 5 year veteran IF self tell my newly diagnosed self?  I wouldn't want to scare her with the gory details, but I would want to share a few things. 

Dear Newly Diagnosed Self, 

You won't know how long you'll be at this for, and this will be very hard for you to accept.  I want you to know a few important things about this journey.  

1. This isn't your fault.  

2. You will need to learn how to be extra kind and forgiving to yourself if you can.  You will fall down in this journey.  You are stronger than you know and you will get back up.   

3.  Nurses and receptionists are tremendously important gate keepers of information.  Don't be afraid to communicate with them.  You need them on your team.  Show them some love.  

4.  Connecting online is a wonderful thing.  It's freeing and informative.  When dealing about important stuff, try to find a reliable research based source for your information.  If you can, read a few journal articles.  Even just reading the summaries is better than nothing. 

5.  Don't be scared to share about your IF with your closest friends and family.  While they all won't be supportive in the way that you hope, some of them will.   If you can, tell them what you need.  Because they have no idea.  This is new territory for most of them too. 

6. Get organized.  Keep a copy of your medical file.  Request copies from your practitioner, even if it costs money.  What you learn from reading those reports will be invaluable.  

7.  Don't settle on a doctor because of geography.   Interview doctorS prior to trusting them with your care.  

8.  Research and ask questions.  Make notes of those questions before your appointments.   Why? is a great question to ask your doctor. 

9.  Bring your cell phone to doctor's appointments.  With discretion, record your conversations with your doctors so you can listen to them again at home.  This will reduce your anxiety during the appointment (for fearing that you will forget something they said).  It will allow you to be in the moment and ask better questions.   

10.  Listen to that little voice inside of you.  She knows a thing or two about you. 

11.  Nurture relationships with other IFers, online and in real life.   The people you will meet are the real deal.  Their stories will inspire you and break your heart. 

12.  Be flexible. You might need a plan E, F and G.  Remember your goal is to be a parent.   Don't beat yourself up when you change plans and directions.  Change is a big part of progress. 

13.  Try to be kind and forgiving of your fertile friends.  Think back to what you might be like if you weren't an IFer.   Educate them if you can. 

14. This doesn't mean you should let your fertile friends walk all over you.  Self protection is real and important.  

15. There is a spiritual side of this.  It's confusing as hell. 

16.  This journey will change you, D, and your relationship.   Remember that blessings can come from bad situations. 

17. Therapy is a wonderful luxury.  Use it. 

18.  Remember that there are things you like about being child free and savour them.  Sleeping in on weekends is amazing.    One day you will miss those things. 

What would you tell your newly diagnosed self?