The Nephew is Here

I could think of a thousand reasons to be upset about my infertility since nephew arrived. But I'm not letting myself today.

He is so.darn.cute! and everyone in our family is so excited.  It's a happy time.  My brother and Dad are so happy and it's nice to see.  I'm not sure about how his girlfriend is feeling about all of this yet.  This was an unplanned pregnancy and I can't get a feel for how she's doing emotionally with all of this.  She just looks so tired that it is hard to tell.  I definitely don't get a warm fuzzy feeling from her.  I'm hoping she's going to be ok.

We are mostly trying to be helpful and stay out of the way.  I've been here since Sunday but only seen the baby twice.  We went to their house and prepared for their arrival by removing the snow in their driveway, and making a family of snowmen and a snow-dog!. It was very spur of the moment and super cute.  We've been sending them meals.   On Thursday I'm going to take pictures of the baby. 

I was hesitant to offer this but I decided to do it anyways.  I think I will regret it later if I don't do it.  It gives me a chance to be around them.  I know they aren't able to pay for a professional photographer.  I'm an amateur who has taken a few classes and has a decent camera. I want them to have some pics of him when he is so little and fresh. 

I'm going to round out this week by spending it with a couple friends.  They are on my drive home.  We are going to shop and have dinner.  I'm looking forward to it.  It is with two of my favourite girl friends. 

I'm thinking there could be huge-ass baby hangover headed my way next week.  But for now I am enjoying him the excitement that's in the air.  It feels good.   

I think being "at home" with my family has helped keep my spirits higher.  It's in the place I want to live.  I like being here  Seeing my family on a regular basis is a special treat for me. I like reading names in the newspaper that I recognize.  I like having dinner with my aunt and uncle on a week night just because.  I like being able to see my grandparents.  I like hanging out with my Dad and seeing my Mom.  I like the beautiful natural surroundings.  I could definitely get used to this.

A Hot Mess

That's what I've been the past day or so.  Yesterday I could feel something coming on, a mood that wouldn't lift.  It's been threatening to come for a few weeks now, but I kept trying to send it packing.

A few small things happened and, bam.  I'm crying at the dinner table again.  Preceded and followed by a hefty dose of the why-me's. 

I'm trying to process what this funk is all about, and I think I have a few reasons.  Some are new.  Some aren't. 

I'm sick of rehashing old crap.  Over and over again without any different resolution. It's exhausting. And unproductive.   Obviously it isn't resolved for me though or else I wouldn't have anything to rehash?

My new reasons ...

-  I spent an evening and morning watching my friend's kids last week while she and her husband went to an out of town funeral.  Her children are lovely and sweet.  They had problems sleeping and by morning they were both cuddled up with me in bed.  My friend warned me in advance that this is what they do with them.  The little boy spent the early morning curled up next to me.  I've watched them many times before, but this experience was a new one for me.  It made me realize so much more of what we are missing.  I could write a whole post on this, but I don't want to relive it any more right now.  

- My brother's girlfriend is due to have her baby any second.   This makes me excited to be an aunt for the first time.  However also tremendously sad.  Watching my family's excitement is like a thousand little papercuts. I know they mostly hide their excitement from us to protect us, and that hurts too.  F*ck,  I wish it was us. I wish it was our turn.

- The reality that we will likely not be able to transfer any embryos (if we make any normals) until June is a real piss off.   This wasn't supposed to take this long.   This means I bought the stupid bridesmaid dress way too big.  If this doesn't work, we will have invested way more time than I ever thought we would in this.   Days are dragging on for years and whooshing by all at the same time.

- There have been a rash of Facebook baby announcements.  Why do I look at that thing?

- I have no projects and limited activities on the go.  In the past, I was working on a degree, on home reno projects, on various things.  I've graduated and the home reno budget is drying up.

- I'm really missing my friends and feeling lonely these days.  Oh, wait.  That's not new.

- I'm feeling very disconnected spiritually.  As in, I like the church, and still want to go but something is missing.

My old reasons...

- I'm tired of complaining to D.   I hate bringing him down.  He just wants me to be happy and I just can't.

- I'm sick just thinking of the money we are about to spend on these upcoming procedures.  If this doesn't work and it all is flushed down the toilet...

- Side note: D says I have a guilt-problem.  He says that I feel guilty for too much stuff and I should just let it go.  We've been dealt a bad hand with this IF and we shouldn't feel bad about spending the money or not being as productive as we would like.   I asked him, "aren't we supposed to rise up when faced with adversity?" he said, "that's something that mostly just happens in books".  Hmm.  Not so sure about that.  Something in the middle sounds good.

- I don't think I want to live where I do anymore.  I feel disconnected to the town we live in.  I want to live closer to my family.  I don't want to leave my best friend, and I feel guilty (there it is again) about separating D from his parents.  Some days I would leave in a second.  I day dream about moving away, living in a community that I feel connected to, in a home that we built.  With kids in our house... Before we were married I told him that I didn't know if I could live here forever.  That was nine years ago.  He said he would move and still does.  However his employment situation and future plans may not lend itself to that very well.  During really confusing days (like today) I wonder if the grass isn't really any greener over there anyways.

- I need to find some purpose with my life.  This could mean going back to work but I have no idea what I would do.  

What IF

Oops, I just realized that this didn't get posted.... it's from a couple of weeks ago.

In my mind, one of the more annoying side effects of infertility (IF), are the 'what ifs' of IF.

Truthfully, I'm a person who could drive herself crazy just on normal life decisions, let alone making big ones with huge pieces of missing information.  I like to think, then over-think each decision.  Then rehash it after I've made the decision.  I even annoy myself doing it, it's a miracle D can stand it too.   I think one of the things that attracted me to him was this ability to analyze the situation, and make a quick decision.  When things don't go his way, he usually doesn't feel regret about them, he just changes directions, and moves on.  It's a lovely way to live.

Of course our biggest what if is about if there will be little feet around our home sooner or way-later?  We're already 5 years into this journey.  I wonder what our lives will look like in 5 more years.
(Side note - I'm a moment of relative positivity about our infertility, and so I'm feeling like it's not a matter of if we are going to become parents but when.  Tomorrow I will probably post something precisely the opposite because that's how I roll.)

There are so many choices that D and I would like to make. 

One big one is related to our home.  Specifically, what city we will live in. The cities we are choosing between aren't close, they are about 5 hours apart.  And, basically it boils down to his family or mine.   We live close to his right now, and have for our entire relationship.  We both went to university nearby.  We've got some good friends here and his family which is basically just his parents and Grandma.   My family is larger, and is expanding as my cousins begin the years where most of them will marry (and I'm assuming procreate easily...ah... why does my mind always go in that direction...but anyways).   

My heart is where my family is.  Before we married I told him that I may want to move back home.  He told me he was ok with that.  8 years later that little itch I had before to move is turning into a full-blown case of the chicken pox. 

Once we decide where to live, there will be the choice about how large of a home to buy.  How many bedrooms. 

The second biggest choice right now is that D would like to go back to school to do a PhD.  Lately we've been discussing which schools would be good for him, and finances, etc.  It's a big commitment on many levels including to a geographic area.  And it would also mean that I would go back to work, at least until we start our family.   I never imagined parenting with him as a student.  We would be going from the most flexible lifestyle (he's self employed with a lot of freedom), to something with a pretty demanding schedule, and him working on the side.  

I feel like there is an added level of 'if' built into every decision we make, or don't make for that matter.