Wednesday, 15 March 2017

32 weeks

This pregnancy is going well.   I'm starting to get large and people are commenting on it.  Got my first "you look like you're ready to pop comment" today.  Didn't feel that great to hear given that this baby is due 8 weeks from now and I've been doing well in the weight gain department. 

Most of my weight gain is in my belly.  So far, I don't have any stretch marks, but I know that this is probably when they are going to start showing up. My sister escaped them until her 40th week of pregnancy.  I don't have a working home scale, but the last time I was at the doctor's office I was on the low range of what was considered normal for weight gain.  I think the only reason this has stayed somewhat in check is because I can no longer eat large portions of anything.  This baby must be sitting right on my stomach.  Eating a large portion doesn't just make me feel too full, it's very uncomfortable.   A lot of foods just don't seem desirable anymore either.  

Anyways, it's funny what ends up on the keyboard, because I had no intentions of sitting here typing about my weight gain.   Blogging and therapy are kind of similar for me.  I get surprised by what comes out sometimes.  

I can feel baby girl moving around a lot.  Last night, there was a very distinct movement of a hand or a foot across the top of my belly.  She just kept it there, and I could feel and see the tiny bump sticking out.  It was like she was trying to stretch out her space.  It is so strange.    

My previa has been resolving.  At my last ultrasound a couple of weeks ago, it had moved to marginal and was 1.4 cm from my cervix.  My doctor says it has to be 2cm away to have a vaginal birth.   I go for another ultrasound tomorrow, and for one every two weeks from here on out.  

Funny thing is that I spent fair bit of time making peace with the c-section.  I was a bit worried about breast feeding after a c-section, recovery with a toddler in the house, and feeling cooped up for 6 weeks with no driving.  Then I started thinking - "Hey! I may not feel any labour pains! And the baby won't be born in the middle of the night! I could have ended up with one anyways.  I can plan when my helpers will arrive a little better.   And sweet - my vagina will be intact!" 

But, then I listened to a podcast (The Longest Shortest Time - Episode 110 "Risky Birth-ness").  The unintentional effects of this for me adding to my positive feelings about a c-section, after hearing about vaginal birth injuries and complications.   Fast forward to now, when a vaginal birth is probably an option and all that information is freaking me out a tad. 

I remind myself that I wanted to experience pregnancy, and childbirth so badly.  Now, I kind of shake my head at the childbirth part of this.   Eeks.  

I stopped taking my happy pills (antidepressant) soon after I found out I was pregnant.  At the time, I was thinking of stopping them anyways, as I had been on them for 1.5 years and was feeling pretty good.    Up until a couple of weeks ago, I'd really been feeling well in this department. 

Anxiety and a bit of depression have been sneaking their way back into my life though.   Anxiety about childbirth, nursing, managing two kids, feeling lonely, and feeling bored (can winter just be over now?!?  This Canadian is tapped out.)   Our son has had 4 viral bugs since Christmas Eve, and it's taking it's toll.  He pukes/gets a cold, we stay home, he pukes in random places, we clean it, we visit doctors and sometimes the ER visit (he has asthma that is complicated by any illnesses).  Plans are canceled and he can't go to his twice weekly babysitter (our sanity), or on any playdates or activities.  He gets bored at home and starts asking to go "somewhere special" before he's well enough to go.   It's draining.   

I really just need more stimulation in my life, but it's a hard thing to achieve at this moment.  I'm thinking about going back on the happy pills because I'm very scared of combining this low-level feeling of malaise with post-partum hormones and sleep deprivation.   

I type this out, all with a nagging sense of guilt reminding myself that we fought so hard to become parents and now have everything that we ever hoped for.  I think that's one of the less commonly talked about after effects of infertility and loss.  It's like there is no space, even within my own thoughts for the challenges of parenting.  Sometimes, even though we have hoped for something so much, it can be really, really difficult in moments, and seasons.   Having gone through infertility to get here doesn't change those.  I need to remind myself of this.  


  1. Your last paragraph is so true. I'm 8 weeks right now after my third FET, the second which resulted in a miscarriage in November. So I'm obviously so thankful to be here. But I feel horrible and have a 2 year old, so it is very draining!

    I have been on my happy pills for 11 years and stayed on them through pregnancy. I've just accepted that I'll always need them. And parenting while pregnant is not easy, so be gracious to yourself and get back on them if you need to!

  2. yay for your placenta moving! In a way I was glad to know for so long that I was going to need a C/section as it gave time for peace. I think it would have been much harder to have been in labour and ended up in the OR. I figured I had enough drama getting and staying pregnant, that I wanted a really boring birth story as long as it had a healhty baby at the end. Oh and if I asked, I will say that I had a natural birth. When you're placenta is covering your cervix, the nautral way out is through the top.
    I also read a good article about how OBs and midwives don't do enough to consel patients about birth injuries. I admit its because there is such a large spectrum of possibilities, it's hard to cover everything and for the most part the vagina is very forgiving and some incontinence issues are caused more by pregnancy than mode of delivery. Yet, I recently spoke with a woman in her 30s who did a VBAC, and needed surgical repair for a prolapse afterward (she wishes she did a repeat C) that being said, I still have pain in the area of my incision. I look at my daughter and I know she's worth every twinge, but sometimes I resent the fact that I have lingering pain.

  3. Hooray for your pregnancy moving along well and your previa resolving. Fingers crossed for an easy delivery. I had a c-section -- if you end up there, all will be okay. Either way, you'll just be happy to have that beautiful girl in your arms.

    Your last paragraph was so honest and really hit home. I feel guilty whenever I'm not being the best possible Mom - I lose my patience, I sneak a glance at my phone, I ask for a few hours away, etc. I feel guilty for wanting another baby when I have this beautiful miracle in my arms. And I sometimes thing that because I have lost babies and struggle with infertility, there is no space at all for complaint because I need to be so, so happy with where I am. But that isn't real, is it?

    Thanks for what you wrote. I'll be checking in as you enter the homestretch.


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