Wednesday, 30 November 2016

17 weeks

Still pregnant here! 17 weeks! Today I had an ultrasound and everything is "all gold stars" as my OB says. 

The shock has not warn off; but acceptance and excitement are now here too!  

Not much else to report, but just wanted to check in!  Next ultrasound will be Dec 22 for a full anatomy scan. 

Tuesday, 25 October 2016

Still pregnant, huh?

Holy crap. Guess what? I'm still pregnant. Like as of 5 minutes ago when I heard the baby's heartbeat on my home doppler.  Whaaaaa?!?!? 

This is nuts. 

I'm 11 weeks, 5 days.  The time is creeping sloooooowly along. 

The shock has not subsided. Acceptance is not here either. 

I'm kind of living in a weird state of limbo where my brain can't admit that yes, my body is actually still pregnant and boobs have never looked better. 

My tummy is growing, yet I can't quite bring myself to buy many new clothes yet, for fear that If I had to grieve the loss of this pregnancy and get rid of maternity pants, that it would be an added ounce of pain that isn't worth it yet. 

The f*cked up infertile that I thought I had banished to the basement of my emotions for the past couple years is apparently still alive and well. 

I can't stop thinking that I never even dreamt about a natural pregnancy, since I was 28 years old and I heard our infertility diagnoses because our chances were so bleak. We didn't ever have timed intercourse because I felt like it was pointless (and ha! I thought our treatments would work).  

There was never even a thought in my mind in over 10 years that this could happen.  I thought of it as a small blessing in a way, that I didn't have to get my hopes up every single month for nothing. 

I'm still shaking my head that I'm even writing about such a thing- happening to us. 

I really hope this continues.  What an unbelievably awesome ending it would be to everything we've been through. 

Thursday, 6 October 2016


The baby is actually only 9 weeks, has a strong heart rate and everything is as it should be. 

Bloodwork is all normal, and my hcg is still rising. Now 98,000. 

This is getting real! Wow, just wow. 

Wednesday, 5 October 2016

Heartbeat there was a heartbeat!!!!!!!!


This is freaking nuts. Absolutely mind blowing. 

The doctor says she thinks I would be 10-12 weeks pregnant based on my hcg, uterus size and the baby's (what- did I just write baby!?!?) heart rate. 

Today, I was at a clinic. Long story short I'm away from home for a while and it's harder to get the medical care I'm used to. There was not ultrasound machine, so the doctor used a doppler.  

I got referred for an ultrasound tomorrow.


Monday, 3 October 2016

Holy crap

Is anyone still out there? 

I have some crazy news that I'm not sharing with many people in real life. 

I'm pregnant. 



I thought I was in menopause...seriously. But after feeling tired and grouchy for a while, hubs suggested that I take an HPT. I serious thought I eas having a variety of perimenopausal symptoms.  

I went to a clinic and my HCG was 87,000. 

I am waiting on my doctor's appointment this Wednesday to see if there is an actual live baby inside me. 

After my history, I'm really not getting my hopes up. 

But really, if this does end up working out?!? It's nuts. I only found out last week, and if my calculations are right, I could be 15 weeks along. 

Cue my brain wanting to explode, and needing to get it out somewhere. 

Ps) My pumpkin's amazing & going to be two very soon! 

Tuesday, 23 February 2016

Update on life with a toddler

I think of this space almost every day. I love reading other blogger's posts, and sometimes I feel guilty about dropping off the face of the blogger-earth, especially when writing, and your comments were such essential lifelines to me for so long.

I've been busy enjoying life. Feeling contented was previously so elusive, that I wondered if it actually existed.   A huge chunk of this contentedness most definitely comes from life with Babykins, but the other part I am certain is because of the happy pills (antidepressants) that I continue to take.  Love them both, of course in different ways.  I also love not going through the physical and emotional rollercoaster of IF.

Babykins is almost 17 months. He is a very busy little guy, running – hardly ever walking - almost everywhere he goes.  He is so curious about everything.  I enjoy watching him take in the world and babble back at it.   My Dad nicknamed him Tornado Boy, and it’s an accurate representation of what happens when he’s around.  Bucket of toys? Dump it! Mommy’s PJ drawer? Whip everything out, and quickly move on to the next thing.  When I get frustrated with the mess that follows him, I have to remind myself that absolutely everything is new, fun,  and full of wonder for him.  

Our home now looks dramatically different than it did only months ago.  We’ve moved on from baby proofing to toddler proofing.  Bye-bye little plastic cabinet latches, hello to the heavy duty magnet kind!

Love these by the way! They are pricey but worth it.  The only draw back is that he likes to hide the magnets when he gets a hold of them.

Before Babykins came around, I naively thought that several hundred “no’s” would be enough to teach a toddler to stay out of certain areas.  No means “Fun! Let’s do it again” to him.  It’s something we’re working on.  ;) 

Babykins is honestly the most smiley and giggly baby- scratch that- toddler (Aaah! Where did my baby go?!).  People at the grocery store, swimming lessons, church, in our family and friends say they have ever seen another baby like him.  His new (2 mornings a week) babysitter said that he smiled "99% of the time" while he was there.  We just love how generous he is with his smiles and how ticklish he is.

He seriously has the most addictive little face.  I always say that he’s cuter than any baby we could have made.  He has a full head of blonde hair and has had 3 haircuts already!

As I re-read where I left off with my last post, I noticed he was 23 lbs at 10 months.  Now, seven months later, he’s only 25 pounds and quite a bit taller.  He’s a pretty decent eater still (although he’s lost his love for certain veggies), but he rarely sits still so he doesn’t gain much weight.

If Babykins were given five supervision-free minutes at home, this is how I know he would spend it.

1.     Run to the toilet.  Rapidly lift the lid and swish both hands back and forth along the bottom of the bowl.
2.    Run to the garbage.  If it was accidentally left unlocked, celebrate by picking things out, touching all of the recycling and maybe having a snack or two.
3.    Go into the closet and get the vacuum out.  Empty out everything from the closet.   Grab the broom and “clean” the floor.  This boy loves all things cleaning.  I have no idea where he got this love from.  He certainly doesn’t get it from either one of his parents. 
4.    Find the cat and pet him gently at first, then get excited and pull his tail. 

In other parts of our life, we’ve been thinking of moving.  We were fortunate to purchase a cottage a couple of years ago near my family, a five-hour car ride from where we live now.   I’ve been debating since before we purchased it, if we would like to live there one day.

Because D works from home, we’re able to spend 6 months of the year at each place.  It’s is the perfect solution for right now.  But of course, when Babykins starts school, that’s all going to change. 

Summers at the cottage are great, but the cold winters aren’t. I love being close to my family and Babykins being near his cousins.   I notice a change in my relationships with my family members when I am there.  We are so much more connected when I am geographically closer.   We don’t have any friends that live there though, and we miss those connections.

We prefer our home in the winter.  All of our friends are here, as well as D’s parents.  Because it’s a bigger city, there is more entertainment, and stuff to do with Babykins.  

We are outgrowing our winter home.   It also has a pool that we have kept closed for the past two summers.  I planted huge gardens that we now have to pay someone to care for in the summer.   Our next door neighbour who cared for our lawn and the inside of our house is now moving.   All of this means that we feel like it is time to list our house. 

I’m feeling like I can’t take D away from his parents, and that I’m not ready to move to the cottage full time.  So for now at least, we are hoping to move within the same town to a house with very little exterior maintenance.   I would love to build something new near my best friend, but D wants to find a more reasonably priced existing place.  

We’ve met with realtors and have been spending all of our extra time getting our house ready to sell.  Seeing my house perked up has made me love it all over again.

I don’t feel like I can talk with much of this with my real life family or friends for lots of reasons.  I know it’s a good problem to have, but it still weighs on my mind wondering if we are making the right decisions.

Also contributing to the desire to move is that we are feeling ready to start trying for baby #2.  And we don’t have a great place to put baby #2 if we were so lucky. 

Until a couple of months ago, I wasn’t sure if D would ever feel like he wanted a second.  He’s so in love with Babykins, and is a very involved parent, especially because he works from home.   But he’s exhausted.  Babykins hasn’t been a great sleeper since the beginning, and D is a light sleeper.  I am the opposite, thankfully.  D has spent more than his fair share of nights awake.   

D is an amazing father.  I always knew he’d be a really great dad, but he’s truly wonderful.  I am lucky to have him as a partner and co-parent.  I am especially reminded as I read other venting posts on Facebook mommy groups.  My guy is the opposite of so many other daddy duds out there.

But back to baby #2…. We have four normal embryos.  We are going to ship them back to our local clinic from CCRM.  Yes, the success rates aren’t as stellar, and shipping them carries risk, but we don’t want four more kids, so we are prepared to take on a little risk for the convenience of not having to travel half way down the continent and spend even more of our savings.  If we didn’t have to repeat the $4,000 one day work up at CCRM to do a frozen transfer, we’d probably just keep them where they are, but they won’t waive this pre-requisite.

We’re aiming to transfer one embryo in the next month or two before we leave for the summer.   We are only going to try until I get pregnant.  As D says, we know that I can get pregnant, we just don’t know if I can carry.  Emotionally, if I have another miscarriage, I don’t want to do any more transfers.  I think I’ll officially throw in the towel at that time with using my body.

Truthfully, I don’t even want to be pregnant.  Like, at all.  I’ve read about and watched many of my friends have rough pregnancies and recoveries and I really don’t want to experience any of that, especially while chasing after our busy little guy.  I don’t want to miss out on any moments with him. 

If I had someone suitable offering to be my surrogate this moment, I’d take them up on their offer.  My sister generously offered to be our surrogate after she has a second child, but that’s at least 4 years away.  I would be 40 at that time, and given my energy levels now, that seems too far away for me.

I’d love to do another adoption, but we feel like we need to give our little embies a shot at life first. 

That’s all for now… Sending love your way!