Bridesmaid

I was asked to be a bridesmaid in a wedding this July.  The offer completely caught me off guard to say the least.  I had met her all of three times before she asked me.   I'm not a good surprise-reactor under the best of situations, let alone this one where I hadn't even had time to process what I thought about it all.  D was also asked to be in the wedding party.

So, I hugged her and said a mostly enthusiastic, "sure!"

A month or so later it came out, that I was actually being asked to stand up for her fiancé, which made a little more sense.  He is D's long time friend, and he has hung out at our house a lot.  We've helped him get through some tough times in his past.

It's interesting. But, oh well I thought.  It will save me sitting at a table full of significant others who I don't know.  And maybe D & I will get a nice picture all dolled up together.  :)

The bride has been changing her mind (a few times) on the styles of bridesmaid dresses that she would like.   While other bridesmaids were growing slightly annoyed by the decision making process, I couldn't care less.  For one, I don't care what I'm wearing, it's her day, and I'm happy to wear a paper bag if that is what she wants.  It would be a plus if I liked the dress,  but it doesn't really matter.   The bride had many other people chiming in to give her advice, so I just sat back and relaxed.

After much deliberation over the course of a few months, the bride selected the bridesmaid dresses. She also let us know that they are on sale right now.  So, the good bridesmaid that I am, I called the store and ordered my dress.

There is only one problem though.  What size to order?   At first I thought I would just order my size and an extra bit of material.  You know, in case I was actually pregnant next July.

But I wasn't sure if this was the best option.  Maybe I should just order a larger dress?  That might be a weird conversation.  Umm, I'm planning on getting fatter, what size should I order?  So, I confided in the clerk my hopes of becoming pregnant, and asked her what I should do about sizing.  Deep down, I silly even saying it his to her.  Of course she doesn't know my history, but I've been through this before.  Thoughts of maybe by next Christmas or at my next birthday?  Should I buy that new winter coat? This sweater is great, because I could also wear it as a maternity sweater, I've told myself more than a few times.

It's such a hard thing to figure out.
a) If I'll be pregnant (please, please, please universe!), and
b) what size of a preggo I would be? (I think I'll be a nice plump one if I ever get the chance) , or
c) Will it be a pregnancy from our first CCRM IVF resulting in third trimester baby bump?
d) Will we (still holding my breath for a miracle) have more embies to transfer in a frozen cycle if the first transfer doesn't work?  Might I be pregnant, but only in the first or second trimester?
e) Will we have finally closed the door on OE, and moved on to DE and be in the early stages of a DE pregnancy? or
f) be where we are now, childless and not pregnant with one super-sized teal coloured bridesmaid dress?  Correct that, I mean as the bride would say, "malibu" coloured dress.

I decided to error on the side of optimism.  I ordered the dress two sizes larger than I am now.   They told me they could take it in if they needed to, and that it shouldn't be too hard with the style of dress.   But if things don't work out, I'm going to have a yucky little reminder in the early summer when I go in have my alterations done.

Here's to hoping I won't need those alterations.

All in

It seems I'm coming down from the emotional high that I had when leaving Colorado.   I kind of feel lame writing that - as if going to a fertility clinic could ever be a high, but, I guess I'll take what I can get.

I got my period yesterday, so it seems that the countdown is officially on.  I'm hoping to have all of my paperwork compete to attempt an IVF stimulation cycle in January, and a FET (hopefully) in February.  There's been a lot of tears (all mine) since November in getting to this point.  I'm scared of flushing a big wad of money down the toilet and coping with the emotional fall out if there are more negative results.

As I put it to D the other night while on a walk, this is it.  We are now all in as it relates to having a genetic child.  If this doesn't work (we're giving ourselves two IVF cycles depending on the results of the first CCS screening), this door will officially be closed for us.

Saying we are all in kind of makes me gag a little in side.  And I think I know why.  I've always been a procrastinator.  After some life coaching afforded to me in a previous career made me realize that my procrastination stems from wanting perfection.  Basically, it goes like this.  Something is hard or outside of my comfort zone.  If I procrastinate long enough, and don't have enough time that I am saving myself from disappointment if things don't work out.  There's always the thought that "I could have done better if I... had more time/tried harder", etc.

That's not the case for IVF.  I can't say that we've really procrastinated on a lot of things.  We've been chugging along this path for five years now.  Always in line for more tests, more procedures, more results.

These will be our last attempts at OE IVF.  And it makes me very emotional to think about it.  We are flying across the continent, to go all in.  This is it.  I've never felt this way before because there's always been more embryos, more chances left, more options out there.  God, please help us.

I've been following a blog for several months (http://lifeandloveinthepetridish.blogspot.ca) which I've grown to love.  She's a woman who persevered through much more than I think I could with all of this. She's survived cancer, seven IVFs and six, yes, six miscarriages.   One of the things the author has talked about is regret management.  I like the idea of this.  Hers involved a lot of very interesting things.  Mine are more basic.

1)  I've started exercising.  Today was my first day, and I joined a boot camp style fitness class.  I'm doing this to help stabilize my mood and to feel better about myself.  Because if this is all a bust, I'm going to need all of the help I can get.  It's been long enough that I've been making excuses (fertility treatments work great).  I will be stopping when I'm stimming, but until then it's a go.   At least I'm hoping to keep even with the house over the holidays.

2) I'm starting acupuncture. This is for overall health and to try to increase blood flow to my uterus.  At CCRM, during my one day work up they told me that I have "reverse flow" with the main arteries around my uterus.  They would like the flow to be under a 3.0 but my results were 3.62 and 3.5 left and right respectively.   When I go back to CCRM I'm going to have another doppler ultrasound to see if any of these things have changed my blood flow.

3) I've given up caffeine, even decaffeinated drinks and chocolate. When I had my doppler ultrasound, I wasn't allowed to have caffeine for three days prior because it reduces uterine blood flow.  Man, oh man. This has been hard for me.  I love sweets.  And it's Christmas.   I cheated once last Saturday and had a decaffeinated coffee, but other than that I've been caffeine free since November 29th.  I love a warm creamy drink (I'm drooling right now just thinking of a tall white chocolate mocha or coffee with french vanilla sweetener, literally).  This is difficult for me.  

4) I'm continuing with my supplements.  DHEA (3 x 75mg per day), CoQ10 (3 x 200mg per day).  1000 units of vitamin D (CCRM tested and I am slightly deficient).  And a prenatal vitamin with DHA.  This may slightly change when I see the naturopathic doctor today.

5) I'm going to continue to eat mostly home cooked meals with lots of veggies and lean proteins.  For my morning smoothie I'm going to start adding more greens.  Right now it's frozen raspberries, a banana, a frozen spinach puck, orange/veggie juice and greek yogurt.  I'm experimenting with adding celery and cucumber and kale.

As for drinking wheat grass or any other disgusting concoction, I just don't think I can handle any more changes.

This is it.  This is me.  I'm all in.  And it's scary as hell.

The Journey, So Far...

I typed out a nice neat little index page with page numbers for Dr. Schoolie when I submitted all 250 pages of our medical reports.

Going through the process of organizing my records was a tedious and emotionally exhausting task.  Each portion brought up memories of how we felt at each turn.  It also made me feel frustrated that there wasn't a more efficient way to navigate through the difficult waters of IF.

May 2008	Semen analysis:  1.6 million
	Normal pelvic ultrasound
	Hormone levels tested but not on cycle day 3.
June 2008	Semen analysis: 1.6 million
Aug. 2008	D has bilateral testicular biopsy under the direction of urologist.  Findings: bilateral hydrocele and meiotic arrest.
	D has infection after this procedure, and is treated twice with antibiotics (for two weeks each time). Up until 1.5 years after this procedure, D has infrequent “stabbing” pains in his testes.
Oct. 2008	Dr. Nada, Enocrinology consult, no findings referred to another endocrinologist.
Nov. 2008	Scrotal ultrasound: focal hypoechoic regions within the superomedial aspect of both testes measuring 1.2 and 1.4 cm.  Likely related to previous biopsies.  Bilateral small varicoceles are demonstrated.  Small right hydrocele.  3mm cyst on left epididymal head.
Dec. 2008	D- Endocrinology consult with second endocrinologist found no abnormal results. CBC normal.
Jan. 2009	New clinic #2 Semen analysis. 0.6x10 6/ml
Feb. 2009	Semen analysis (washed), total motile count 4 million.
	Day 3 FSH: 23.8 IU/L Day 21 Progesterone: 48nmol/L
	Genetic screening and other blood work (day 21 and other).
	2nd opinion with Urologist.  His opinion was that the testicular biopsy was unnecessary, and that the results showed only a focal diagnosis.   No further recommendations.
Mar. 2009	Hysterosalpingogram: Right fallopian tube patent, left tube irregular, curved, tortuous and dilated, left tube appears blocked.  Antiverted, anteflexed uterus. Right ovary 2.5cm x 1.3cm, left 2cm x 1cm. Small irregularities in uterine lining.
	Diagnosis: Premature ovarian failure, advised to consider donor programs.
April 2009	New Clinic: #3 Dr. Snowflake
June 2009	IVF cycle suggested to be changed to IUI.  Cycle cancelled: My sister had a massive stroke at age 28 (from an undetermined cause).
Sept. 2009	Day 3 FSH: 6.5 IU/L
	Operative Hysteroscopy to remove small amount of scar tissue near embryo transfer site.  Pathology Report: Endometrial curettings (1.0ml of hemorrahigic tissue and mucoid material): proliferative endometrium.
May 2010	Sonohystogram, results normal. (Dr. Snowflake).
Nov. 2010	FET #1: Transferred 1 donor embryo (from couple #1), rated “cleaved 4-6 cell”. HCG <1.0
Feb. 2011	Adopted 6 blasts via Snowflakes Created in 2005
April 2011	New clinic: USA, Dr. M Frankenstein
	Semen analysis: Grade A, low count, borderline morphology.  Semen frozen (unused as of Oct/12).
	Monitored for one natural cycle: Doctor says follicles didn’t mature as expected. Decided to proceed with adopted embryos.
	Day 2 FSH:  19.6 mlU/ml Follicle count: 7?
July 2011	FET #2: Donor embryos, 2 unrated blasts.  Embryologist says they are unrated because they were still collapsed 2-3 hours after they were thawed. HCG <1.0
Sept. 2011	FET #3:  Donor embryos, 2 blasts 6BA & 5BB  HCG <1.0
Nov. 2011	FET #4: Donor embryos, 2 blasts 4AA & 4BA, HCG = 75, (6 days after transfer), 1547 (13 days after transfer).
Dec. 2011	Miscarriage confirmed at 8 weeks
Jan. 2012	D&C after incomplete natural miscarriage
	Started 75mg DHEA/day
Mar. 2012	AMH tested: 0.42ng/ml
	Day 3 FSH 17.5 mlU/ml
April 2012	IVF with ICSI (own eggs) Medication: · 40 units of Leuprolide on cycle days 3 and 4. 300 units of Gonal-f for 16 days, the last 8 days of stimulation 150 units of Menopur. · See cycle sheet for other meds. · 500mg Flagyl & Doxycycline for both of us in case of subclinical infection (2 weeks).  Started one week approximately before transfer. Retrieved 9 mature eggs + 2 immature eggs, 7 fertilized, 6 survived. Ratings on day 5: 1.     EBL: C1 2.     BL: B1 3.     EBL: A 4.     Mor: B1 5.     Mor: A 6.     Mor: “?” 7.     Mor: A
	Semen analysis for ICSI
	2 transferred, 1 blast 4AA and 1 early blast (unrated) HCG = 38.4 (10 days after transfer). Bright red spotting 14 days after transfer (HCG =278), miscarriage 22 days after transfer.
	Tested natural killer (normal), DQ Alpha (normal) and MTHFR (positive for heterozygous copy of A1298C mutation).
May 2012	Day 3 FSH 11.1
June 2012	Semi-natural FET cycle attempted. Ovulated on day 11, doctor not expecting this early, cycle canceled.
July 2012	FET #5: own embryos, 2 transferred, 2x day 5 morulas, A & B1. Started new protocol of 81mg ASA, 10mg prednisone, 40mg Lovenox at time of transfer.  500mg Flagyl & Doxycycline for both of us in case of subclinical infection (2 weeks). HCG 1.8, then declined.
Sept. 2012	FET # 6: own embryos, 2 transferred, early blast with “?” rating and blast rated 3AB. Changed protocol (81mg ASA, 10mg Prednisone, 40mg Lovenox) starting one week before transfer. HCG <1.0
Nov. 2012	Consult with Dr. Schoolie.

All or nothing

When I went to my second therapy appointment a few weeks ago, the therapist asked me if I felt I was an "all or nothing" person.  And well, the resounding answer is yes.   It can be one of my biggest strengths but equally it is one of my most troublesome weaknesses.

I left my job four years ago to figure out this IF stuff, and to catch up on all of the other things in life I had been missing due to being a workaholic. Thoughts of what kind of parent I wanted to be had changed my perspective on what I wanted from my career.  And also what I didn't want; a massively stressful and demanding job.  I also no longer wanted the reward of a job well done;  a promotion that promised more of each of those things, as well as a relocation to a new city.  So, after long discussions with D, I left on a one year sabbatical.  I left thinking I would take the year, get our IF problems mostly figured out and then go back.  Or find something else that I could jump into.   It was an all or nothing solution to our IF problem, and to my career problem.

Four years later, life happened including helping my sister recover from a massive illness.  I permanently left my job.  And now, I'm really feeling the strain of this strategy.   The distraction and joy that comes from a fulfilling career is not a part of my life.

I'm realizing that I do have a part time job, it is managing our IF.  In September, we did a frozen embryo transfer cycle. I counted that I spent over 50 hours that month driving to appointments, going to appointments, and researching IF related things, etc.   I'm grateful for the opportunity to have taken this time off, and I really feel for a lot of the women who write on their blogs and resolve.org talking about how hard it is to manage IF with their careers.   Lately however,  I think that my new job is a lot worse than my old one.  It is becoming very depressing.  I've got nothing to show for all of my work.  Except a lot less money in the bank.

I don't want my old job and I don't want my new one either.  Until I can figure this all out, I remain, as I currently think of myself, a stay at home mom without any kids.