Calendar

Yay! We got our calendar from CCRM.

It has a tentative retrieval date of around July 6th or 7th.  Which seemed perfectly workable with the July 13th wedding  that we are both standing in, the one where D is the best man.  Upon closer examination, we learned that our retrieval date would likely be a bit later because the calendar only included stims for 10 days. 

I checked with the nurse to see if she thought I would stim for longer than average (because of my diminished ovarian reserve).  She said yes.  She said DOR people tend to stim for  15-17 days.   I asked her the longest she's ever seen anyone go for and she said 21 days. 

Counting out the days, that would make the retrieval/required sperm donation either the day of the wedding or the day before.  Not to mention that I am required to hang around for 24 hours because of the anesthesia.  

F*ck.

We thought about what would happen if I missed the wedding.  Sounds bad, yes, but there are 8 bridesmaids and only 5 groomsmen.  And the bride and I are not even remotely close.  The groom and I are friends, but I never expected to be asked to stand up for him.   That is a long story that I talked about here.    

They've been very demanding throughout the year long wedding process and let's just say it hasn't drawn any of us closer together.  Bridezilla is an accurate term to use.  We've just been going with the flow, gritting our teeth spending money on all of their parties etc,  doing what is asked of us, and mostly hoping for it to be over.   

D too has seen a different side of the groom throughout this year of wedding planning that he doesn't like.  I think overall this year has made us realize that after this, we don't have the desire to be close friends with them.   We've come out of this year just feeling used financially and emotionally by them.   We are in very different mental places and have very different priorities.  They are really immature about a lot of things. 

We really wanted to make this cycle work.  We've been in limbo basically since January, with cancelled cycles because of the cysts, and my grandfather's illness and death, and last month with the memorial day fiasco.  In so many ways we feel like we've been in limbo for the past five years with all of this crap.  And with these cysts, we honestly don't know if next month we'll be allowed to start a cycle. 

We thought about using frozen sperm instead of fresh, allowing him to fly out for the wedding, if he had to.   I didn't want to do that.  I feel like we are spending big money on this and I don't want to feel like we didn't do the best we could in all aspects.   Especially because this is probably our last chance.  There isn't an unlimited pool of money that we can throw at this.  I'm cranky, emotionally drained and I'm tired of feeling guilty if I have a glass of coffee or wine! 

Ultimately, we decided that regardless of how we are feeling about them right now, that it would be a really, really brutal thing if the best man didn't show up.  (I should mention that if this was a close friend we wouldn't even consider doing this to them, it's just that we are feeling very used by them, and this almost feels like one more way that we are taking a hit because of them).   I realize that this must sound like I'm a spoiled brat, but I'm just being honest.   And my friends, I need this little corner of the internet to do so so I don't make an impromptu speech at the wedding about how they are two of the most rude, selfish people that I know (jk - would never).   

And, in the end, we won't even tell them that we have made this choice for them.  

Hoping August is a good month for us.  At least one good thing will happen - this dreaded wedding will be over!  

PS)

Some random gossipy bits about the wedding:

1. This is groom's second wedding and they bride and ex-wife have the exact same first and second names!!! Seriously? What are the chances!

2. They have kicked out the maid of honour AND best man already.  D was the second choice, despite having known the groom for 17 years and the other best man having only been friend for less than a year!).    

Home and back at it

Irish countryside. 

We had a fantastic vacation.  The kind that really fills your cup.  I hardly thought about our infertility. We took a tour with a travel company and also explored independently.  We went to England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales.  We met some amazing folks on the tour and our guide was awesome.  We never thought we would be back to that part of the world so soon again, it felt like such a blessing.  The canceled cycle last month meant that we could take advantage of free flights because of some volunteer work that D does.  It sweetened the blow from last month significantly.

One of my favourite parts of the trip was getting to meet three people who have fostered children.  One couple from the USA and another from Australia.   Last month, D has asked me to consider this as an option again.  When he did, I shut him down.  It was a poor response.  The timing was off, I wasn't in the right frame of mind to discuss it after our last canceled cycle.

There are a few things that freak me out about fostering. In order, they are:

1.  When the the child has to be taken away.  By a country mile this is by far my biggest fear.  I feel like this is exacarbated by infertility.  It would be hard for anyone. After 5 years of desperately trying for a child, and my emotional bank account is very sensitive/low in this area.  I don't know if I could take the hit.

2.  Fear that I wouldn't have the experience/ability to handle the emotional issues that the child has in an adequate way.  That I would get in over my head.  Hmm... now that I really think about it, if I'm really honest, this fear is probably right up there with number one.

3.  Loss of my personal time, space and freedom.   I don't like admitting that, but it's real.

In talking with one of the other couples on our trip, I learned a few things.  The one couple has fostered many children over the years, including what they say were some children from high profile cases.  They've been through some difficult stuff.  What I took from our conversations:

1.  That when the first child leaves it is often the hardest.

2.  That you can stay in touch, and remain a positive influence on the child's life.  I don't know why this is such a revelation to me, it might seem obvious but for me, this was a huge weight lifted.

3.  That you can ease into this, and have an honest communication with the social workers about what you are prepared to handle and not handle in terms of emotional issues with a child.

4.  They take lots of breaks in between children.

5.  She talked about how she feels they are making a difference in the world.  She told me about how she gave an 8 year old his first ever birthday party.  This gives me a lump in my throat.

I won't say that I'm totally ready to move into fostering, but there was a huge shift that happened for me.   I've always thought that seeing different perspectives was one of the most enriching parts of travel.  Who knew it was going to be regarding foster care in a pub in Dublin?

I haven't discussed any of this with D as of yet.  I want to digest it on my own for a while.

Oh! And today is cycle day 2 again.  Baseline ultrasound revealed a cyst again.  It's likely the same one, but it about 1/2 the size as last month (1.2 cm x 0.80 cm).  My estrogen is low (in the 30s), so it's not an estrogen producing cyst.   I won't hear until this evening from CCRM about what the plan is.

To add a little complication to things, on cycle day 21 is the wedding that D & I are standing in.  Looking at previous cycle's instructions from CCRM, they estimated a tentative retrieval date of cycle day 11.  Which seems like a lot of leeway.  But, the only other time I did IVF at my local clinic, I stimmed for 16 days while on close to the max dose (300 units of follistim).  That cycle has many medication differences, a big one being that I didn't start stims until cycle day 6, and CCRM would have me start tomorrow (cycle day 3).

A lot will be decided in the next couple of hours.