Saturday, 21 February 2015

What's on my mind

What's on my mind these days ... rapid fire style:

  • Babykins is sick again.  It's another cold -his fourth!  Eek.  The poor lil' guy. This one's not severe like the others have been, thankfully.  However, we are so over this winter time cold business!   This sickness came with a rash.  After googling it, my anxiety prone self had my rational self convinced it was measles for about an hour last night.  The rash looks a lot like google images of early measles (or roseola).  There's a measles outbreak relatively close to us and everyone is freaking out, especially those with young babies who can't be vaccinated yet.   I've now calmed down because it's getting better.  My rational self has taken control again and now believes the rash is because of a detergent sensitivity or because his neck is almost always wet or damp.  Despite our best efforts, we can't keep up with the drooling, spitting up or washing bibs for that matter.  
  • I still think about my friends in the trenches a lot.   Almost every time I see a baby on board sign, a stroller, a pregnant belly, or a post of, I think of what you've been through and what we've been through.  I think of you as I write this post, and hope my comments about colds and laundry aren't viewed as complaining or ungratefulness. 
  • I've been tracking my mood using the Optimism app.  It's been good for me to do this.  It's kind of like how when you diet and write things down, that you naturally eat a little better.   My findings after a little over 1 month of tracking:  
    • Some of my moods are related to marital stress - two people being around each other too much I think (he works from home).  On the days where I'm out, or he is, I feel noticeably better.  For how much time we spend together I think we get along well, it's just hard (for me anyways) not to get annoyed about little things when you never get a break from them. 
    • I realized that I had some lingering things bothering me in my marriage that I had not discussed with husband.  They seem silly now (cleaning, home renovations and maintenance and money) but they were surprisingly things that I thought about everyday, but didn't discuss with hubby because I thought I knew what his response was going to be about them.  Turns out, we talked about it and it went way better than expected.  It's nice to not be thinking about that in the same way every day anymore.  
    • My moods are PMS related.   Big time.  I credit my messed up, pre-menopausal hormones for this.  I started googling PMDD.  I don't think  I have that, but I do think I have a lot of PMS mood symptoms.   
    • I was drinking more water and taking my vitamins, but I honestly can't tell if that does anything because I am not that observant and when I get PMS-y I tend to not do those things as well.  When I have PMS I eat sugar and carbs and take less care of myself.
    • It has been a worth while experiment I think I will continue for a little while yet.  I may go to my doctor to discuss the PMS. 
  • I've been cooking and baking up a storm.  Mostly comfort food which is not helping my waist line given the fact that we have been a lot less active this winter because of the weather and Babykins illnesses.  I've been on a Ina Garten kick.  I am really loving her recipes.  The only problem I find with them is that they are generally too salty for my liking.   Today, I made this soup, and it is  so yummy and totally worth the effort.  . It made the house smell ah-mazing! 
  • Babykins is awake now.  I've been ignoring him for the last three bullet points because he seems happy in his crib... but he's letting me know that my time is up now.  
  • Just kidding.  No noises anymore.  I will type like a mad woman.  
  • I've been thinking about the future of our fertility family.   This probably deserves it's own post, but the gist of it is this:
    • Background info: I am one of five siblings, D is an only child.  We both liked and probably each prefer the amount of siblings we had growing up. 
    • I feel very happy with Babykins and our tiny family with lots of love.   I see a lot of perks to having a small family. 
    • The 0-3 months stage was really hard and put a lot of stress on our relationship.  
    • Infertility treatments put a lot of stress on our relationship and our finances.  
    • I believe that the emotional stress of more fertility treatments (or an adoption) would be lessened because we have Babykins now and the pressure of thinking we would be childless forever is off.  Mentally, I've moved out of that place of "I have tried my hardest, maybe it's never going to happen" and into "I won the lottery" (As Michela 's family would say, not just the lottery, but the Mega Millions :).  I know this would make a huge difference in proceeding with other treatments/adoption, but I would be silly to think that either one would be a cake walk.  
    • I am ready to just enjoy life and get off the fertility hamster wheel.  
    • I love Babykins so much and can't imagine loving another child this much.  I wonder if there is more room in my heart.   I've heard this is a common thing to feel...  It's weird to think this way, because old me always hoped to have more than one child.  It feels strange to think about "one and done".  If I didn't, or couldn't have any more children, I think I could be content with our family of three.  
    • I am realizing how much I really like and need my "me" time.  More kids would cut into that.   
    • I am tired of torturing my body with hormones and drugs.  I feel anxious thinking about what I have injected or swallowed trying to get pregnant for seven years.  It was a lot.  Maximum doses of everything.  Ew.  
    • I get grumpy when I have to avoid things that I like - namely alcohol and coffee! Funny thing is that I don't drink much of either one of these things, but when I can't have them - man oh man, do I crave them like crazy!  
    • I'm scared of being pregnant again and losing another baby. 
    • Right now I feel like a surrogate would be amazing but all of the people who offered to me in the past may feel differently now as they are all several years older.  
    • I would love to have a daughter.   Another boy would be great too. 
    • I would love for Babykins to have a brother or a sister. 
    • Hubby is content right now.  
    • We both feel a sense of obligation to our four precious embryos to give them a chance at life, by using them ourselves or donating them.  
    • I feel my clock still ticking louder than ever in my ear.   Hubby doesn't see the rush because we used donor eggs.  I feel like we need to hurry up and use the embryos if we are going to, because I am 35 right now.  If I started fertility treatments today (including preliminary work ups, I would be 37 shortly after I gave birth if it worked on the first try (don't laugh at me universe because I'm laughing at myself for even thinking about that sentence).  
    • Planning any fertility treatments has implications for trying to adopt again. 
  • Wow, Babykins must have known that I needed to get that all of my chest, because guess what?  Phew.  He is still sleeping.  Time to read some blogs too, how nice :) 


  1. Love that you're tracking your moods. I'm a little scared how our relationship will fare 0-3 months as well. Hope you decide what's right for you and hubby with your 4 embies. I think we are going to struggle too with trying to decide to stay…just us 3. Or feeling like we should give baby sunshine a sibling. No easy decisions.

  2. "because his neck is almost always wet or damp. Despite our best efforts, we can't keep up with the drooling, spitting up or washing bibs for that matter. "

    We had a baby like that...SO many bibs and burp rags! And the neverending rash in the neck. Until someone point out to me that you can use diaper cream places other than just where the diaper goes...we started putting it on her neck and that helped a lot!

    1. I had not thought of that. Thank you!

  3. I feel very similarly to you. There are definitely pros and cons to every scenario. I'm looking forward to following along as you decide what to do next :)

  4. I totally did the same measles google search a couple weeks ago. We live only an hour away from Disneyland, where, of course, the big measles outbreak started. One of the girls had a fever and I noticed a rash on her head. It didn't make me feel any better when I read that measles rashes usually start on the head and work their way down. thankfully, I was just overreacting. We think she was just red from the fever now. That was a stressful day, though.
    I totally want to check out that app, too.

  5. I love your thought stream on one child versus more child. I wonder how this will go for us, too, and so much of what you said (minus knowing what it's like having one...yet) is what runs through my mind, constantly. I really wanted two children, but my husband was an only child and we just don't know what to expect in terms of stress from the adoption process since we're so early in. I could relate to so many of your thoughts, and I'm so glad Babykins decided to sleep again and give you the chance to finish! Such a sweetie. Thanks for sharing what's inside your mind!

  6. Ahhhh so much of this speaks directly to my heart right now. I was especially snagged by the bit about---how could I love another child? I feel that, too. A very unexpected sense of would-be betrayal, if we adopted a child. A sense that I would be lessening my attention to S, and that he deserves every cell, every atom, of me. But everyone says that changes, I guess. I also relate to so much of what you say about fertility treatments (as I drink wine in the bathtub) and the effect of having a kid on marriage (holy fucking hell, I can't believe we are still on speaking terms). My DH would be totally content with one-and-done. But you're in a different situation---35 is a lot younger than 41, and I could see you gathering your strength for a round two. What's totally wonderful is that you will never, ever have that horrible pressure on your again of considering a life without children, that you can now relax into the life you strived for all this time, the life of being a mother, no matter what you decide to do. I'm so happy for you.


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