Almost 10 months

Life has been good to us these past months. I love summer. Babykins is thriving.  Antidepressants have been the boost that I needed for so many years.  

Seriously- why did I wait so long to take these happy pills? They are so nice! They make me a more content person. I am surprised by how my thinking has changed. Little things that would annoy me (like the sound of a fan- seriously), don't anymore. I am a little lazier and sleepier too, but I feel like it's a small price to pay for better mental health.  My only fear now is thinking about stopping the pills, which I have no plans to do anytime soon. 

Babykins update:

He's a baby that loves to smile when you do, and happily seeks the attention of those around him. He's curiously exploring every aspect of his world, now on all fours, crawling and pulling himself up onto absolutely everything. 

He loves food. On the weekend, after he had breakfast at home, we went to a friend's for brunch. He had another full meal with us, and then when their daughter woke from her nap, he joined her for another small meal. Three breakfasts in about two hours. I love that he loves healthy food so much, and I hope he continues to be a good eater.  He's a big boy at almost 23lbs, and in the mid-80th percentiles for weight and height. 

I am enjoying this phase (he's almost 10 months) of parenting so much more than the newborn stage.  While it's still tiring, (Babykins is still is a crummy sleeper- we've tried lots of different approches but are realizing that this may just be him 😳.), it's sooo much better than those first few months of feeling like a zombie who might pass out from sheer exhaustion at any second.  

This stage of development is so fun and interactive.  I am trying to soak it all in every day, knowing that tomorrow he'll be a bigger boy yet again. 

His smiles and giggles are so awesome, and I'm very good at eliciting both from him.  He's a happy, and very social little guy.  Everyone is always commenting on what a great personality he has. We feel so lucky and proud that he's our boy. 

I am in awe every day of how much he makes my heart explode for him, and how just when I think that I couldn't love him anymore, the next day, I realize I love him more deeply yet again.  I'm trying to soak in all of these innocent moments with him, because I know they are so fleeting. 

Last night, we went to a party where one of the other guests told me about her three losses and four years of infertility.  I think someone else at the party directed her to talk to me about our shared experiences. 

When her eyes swelled with tears, my heart remembered that pain so easily, yet with so much less of a sting. In so many ways every day, I am reminded that we could still so easily be fighting those day-by-day and minute-by-minute battles if it were not for Carla.  I love her more and more everyday too. 

Speaking of Carla, she came to visit us last month at our summer place with her mom. She spent 24 hours with us and we had a great visit. We went boating and relaxed together. They were easy company to host (phew!)

Babykins was teething (he has three little razor sharp teeth so far!). His new mobility and independence has him very uninterested in easily allowing his diaper change/clothing change/bedtime etc. to happen any longer in a relaxed manner.  

Poopy diaper changes are especially a gong show. When D and I are both home, we tag-team them because he is such a squirmy and strong boy.  

It was a little stressful for me navigating all of these new developments with Carla and her Mom around at first. I didn't want it to seem like we don't know what we're doing - even though, admittedly- a lot of the time we don't! (On this note, I am convinced that a lot of parenting is fake it until you make it.) 

I find myself wondering if we meet Carla's expectations on what she hoped for when she chose us.  She told me after her visit that she loves us so much and that we're awesome parents. It was so nice to hear, but I still feel a tiny bit insecure when we see her, even though I know she, and her family are some of the least judgemental people I have ever met. 

D thinks it's good for Carla to see the harder parts of parenting, not just all of the cute pics and giggling baby videos, and well prepped visits. I think she already knows this, and it's why she made the decision she did. 

Openess isn't without its hiccups, such as this one, but I definitely feel so glad that we have been able to build such a strong relationship with Carla and Babykins' extended families. The love they have shown our boy and us, is powerful and makes some of the small sacrifices we make to accomodate them in our lives very worth it. 

Birthdad (who has had no contact with us since the hospital and is no longer dating Carla) recently told Carla that he would now like to see some pictures too. It's a pretty huge step for him to ask for this, and I think it's because he sees how things are working well for the rest of his family and for Carla.  And, maybe he's had more time to process all of this for himself too. 

We're going to text him monthly pictures, and invite him to Babykins' first birthday party (which I do not think he'll attend). 

I can't believe that I'm even starting to  plan his first birthday. My boy is going to be one in the fall...eek!  :)