I looked at the pattern and here's what I see. Several weeks of feeling 8/10 (yay!), followed by a sharp decline around PMS time to 2/10. I wrote notes about how I was feeling in the app and a lot of my complaints seemed to be directed towards my dear D. I'm not sure that he deserves all of what I direct at him, it's probably just that he's the closest to me, we see each other A LOT (he works from home and now I'm home way more than I've ever been with Babykins), and I feel comfortable expressing these emotions to him (and not many other people in my life).
Every single month, in the early part of my cycle, I convince myself that nothing is wrong. That my bad mood the month before was the result of X problem.
I can now see an unfortunate pattern in dealing with problems in my life. My strategy has been: a) ignore it, b) then get to the point where I can't stand it, but still don't communicate my needs (desires?) in a healthy way. I get quiet while trying to stifle my negative emotions. c) It gets to the point to where D asks me what's wrong on more than one occasion then d) We end up having a discussion and or fight about it e) I feel better, which often also coincides with resolving the disagreement and my period showing up.
My cycles range from 28 days to 50+ days, which makes things more difficult. When I'm having a long cycle, I feel like my body goes through weeks of PMS instead of a day or two like I used to have in my twenties.
I decided to talk to my doctor about it.
He was so awesome. I love my family doctor and always have. I filled in a couple questionnaires and scored mild for depression and moderate for anxiety. I feel that this aligns with my judgement of how I feel.
He said some things to me that really made sense.
First, he told me to start taking 2000IU of vitamin D. I haven't been a good vitamin taker, so note to self - DO THIS! For reals this time.
He asked me if I feel guilty about feeling this way? My answer to that is a big YES. I feel like I have everything I asked for, and I'm upset about feeling this way. That I have it so much better than a lot of people. Why can't I just be happy for once?!
He told me that if there was a blood test or something similar to detect anxiety and depression that we wouldn't need to feel guilty about being treated anymore. That because it doesn't exist that we beat ourselves up. This resonated with me.
He also said that we've been through a lot in the past couple of years, and maybe it's just all coming home to roost. I shook my head in agreement. It definitely could be that too.
Or, it could just be something chemical.
He said that he thinks that I should begin treatment. He said that most of the time people will need treatment for 9-12 months.
When I came home and talked with D about it, he felt that I should wait. That I always feel better in the summer time. That maybe I don't need it. While I do partially agree with this, I don't think it's the full picture. I wonder what it's like to have a normal mood AND have it be summer time? That just might be the recipe for bliss.
So, now as of last Saturday, I have the pills... I just need to get the courage to take them.