I looked at the pattern and here's what I see. Several weeks of feeling 8/10 (yay!), followed by a sharp decline around PMS time to 2/10. I wrote notes about how I was feeling in the app and a lot of my complaints seemed to be directed towards my dear D. I'm not sure that he deserves all of what I direct at him, it's probably just that he's the closest to me, we see each other A LOT (he works from home and now I'm home way more than I've ever been with Babykins), and I feel comfortable expressing these emotions to him (and not many other people in my life).
Every single month, in the early part of my cycle, I convince myself that nothing is wrong. That my bad mood the month before was the result of X problem.
I can now see an unfortunate pattern in dealing with problems in my life. My strategy has been: a) ignore it, b) then get to the point where I can't stand it, but still don't communicate my needs (desires?) in a healthy way. I get quiet while trying to stifle my negative emotions. c) It gets to the point to where D asks me what's wrong on more than one occasion then d) We end up having a discussion and or fight about it e) I feel better, which often also coincides with resolving the disagreement and my period showing up.
My cycles range from 28 days to 50+ days, which makes things more difficult. When I'm having a long cycle, I feel like my body goes through weeks of PMS instead of a day or two like I used to have in my twenties.
I decided to talk to my doctor about it.
He was so awesome. I love my family doctor and always have. I filled in a couple questionnaires and scored mild for depression and moderate for anxiety. I feel that this aligns with my judgement of how I feel.
He said some things to me that really made sense.
First, he told me to start taking 2000IU of vitamin D. I haven't been a good vitamin taker, so note to self - DO THIS! For reals this time.
He asked me if I feel guilty about feeling this way? My answer to that is a big YES. I feel like I have everything I asked for, and I'm upset about feeling this way. That I have it so much better than a lot of people. Why can't I just be happy for once?!
He told me that if there was a blood test or something similar to detect anxiety and depression that we wouldn't need to feel guilty about being treated anymore. That because it doesn't exist that we beat ourselves up. This resonated with me.
He also said that we've been through a lot in the past couple of years, and maybe it's just all coming home to roost. I shook my head in agreement. It definitely could be that too.
Or, it could just be something chemical.
He said that he thinks that I should begin treatment. He said that most of the time people will need treatment for 9-12 months.
When I came home and talked with D about it, he felt that I should wait. That I always feel better in the summer time. That maybe I don't need it. While I do partially agree with this, I don't think it's the full picture. I wonder what it's like to have a normal mood AND have it be summer time? That just might be the recipe for bliss.
So, now as of last Saturday, I have the pills... I just need to get the courage to take them.
I've battled anxiety and depression for most of my life. There was a periodic time after about a year of marriage that I behantl have huge waves of anxiety and even panic attacks which just made the anxiety worse. I finally went on aiw dose of medication simply because I was terrified of another attack. I didn't care how it affected my mood, just no more crippling anxiety. Within days my husband could see a difference. He said my whole outlook and disposition improved. I came off meds within about 8 months and was totally fine... all that to say, sometimes you just need a little help over a hump and then you can move on.
ReplyDeleteThis is inspirational. I feel like I'm not coping with life well right now. I'm going to make an appointment to go talk to my doctor. I hope you find the solace that you need. Xoxo
ReplyDeleteYou're dealing in a more rational way than I was. About 4 months ago I just hit bottom, realized that my daughter was missing out on things because I couldn't deal with the anxiety. I finally went to see my doctor, scored similarly to you, and she recommended I start taking the lowest dose of cit.alo.pram available to see if it helped. Did it? Oh boy. No more panic attacks, difficulty speaking/breathing, no more inescapable need to plan and control every detail...I'm able to be a bit more spontaneous, to roll with things more easily. I'm more patient with my daughter and husband. My sweet husband doesn't blame me for any of this (my biggest fear) and he supports me in taking the meds or not, however I choose. The meds do help me though, and they make life much easier. I actually described how I felt on the pills to a friend and asked if "normal" people feel that way all the time, and she said yes. Life is just so much easier. Are there a few negative side effects? Yes, but for me they have been mild. I was so used to being obsessed with every detail that for awhile I almost felt forgetful. There's been a little bit of a decline in my sex drive. Nothing that hasn't resolved with a little bit of patience. I wish you well!
ReplyDeleteI've had more than a few friends who've shared their struggles with depression and anxiety with me, and a lot of them seem to have the same trepidation turning to medication. Like there's something wrong about needing medicine to help you feel better, even though if your illness was physical you wouldn't think twice about popping a pill. Whatever you decide, it's great that you're working on it and acknowledging what's going on with you. A lot of people don't, it takes a lot of courage.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for reaching out and asking for help and advice, whatever you decide to do. That is such a huge step! I know we don't "know" each other, but I am proud of you for doing that! Keep us posted on what you decide and how you feel...
ReplyDeleteKudos for taking such good care of yourself! It's hard to deal with mental health issues, and it's hard to take care of yourself while caring for a newborn. I'd vote for trying the drugs - any idea why your husband is against them? Has anyone in the family or among friends made bad experiences? I tend to agree with your doctor that anxiety is perceived differently because there's no "solid test", but that doesn't mean it's any less real or needs any less treatment. Hang in there. I hope one way or another you feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteI love that image -- I feel much the same way with PMS, and now that I'm not trying anymore and not going through cycles I'm a little scared for what that is going to look like. What a great idea to track everything so thoroughly, and I love how supportive and proactive your doctor is. I am supposed to be taking 2000 IU VItamin D too, and I keep forgetting. It's amazing that this one nutrient can be responsible for so much! I am glad that you are seeing a pattern and it is something that is treatable and you feel heard. My friends who take anxiety medication have said it was a life-saver... I hope that if you decide to start those pills that they do the same for you. I hope there are better days ahead.
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