I think of this space almost every
day. I love reading other blogger's posts, and sometimes I feel guilty about
dropping off the face of the blogger-earth, especially when writing, and your
comments were such essential lifelines to me for so long.
I've been busy enjoying life. Feeling
contented was previously so elusive, that I wondered if it actually
existed. A huge chunk of this
contentedness most definitely comes from life with Babykins, but the other part
I am certain is because of the happy pills (antidepressants) that I continue to
take. Love them both, of course in
different ways. I also love not going
through the physical and emotional rollercoaster of IF.
Babykins is almost 17 months. He is a
very busy little guy, running – hardly ever walking - almost everywhere he
goes. He is so curious about
everything. I enjoy watching him take in
the world and babble back at it. My Dad
nicknamed him Tornado Boy, and it’s an accurate representation of what happens
when he’s around. Bucket of toys? Dump
it! Mommy’s PJ drawer? Whip everything out, and quickly move on to the next
thing. When I get frustrated with the
mess that follows him, I have to remind myself that absolutely everything is
new, fun, and full of wonder for
him.
Our home now looks dramatically
different than it did only months ago.
We’ve moved on from baby proofing to toddler proofing. Bye-bye little plastic cabinet latches, hello to
the heavy duty magnet kind!
Before Babykins came around, I
naively thought that several hundred “no’s” would be enough to teach a toddler
to stay out of certain areas. No means “Fun!
Let’s do it again” to him. It’s
something we’re working on. ;)
Babykins is honestly the most smiley
and giggly baby- scratch that- toddler (Aaah! Where did my baby go?!). People at the grocery store, swimming lessons,
church, in our family and friends say they have ever seen another baby like him. His new (2 mornings a week) babysitter said
that he smiled "99% of the time" while he was there. We just love how generous he is with his
smiles and how ticklish he is.
He seriously has the most addictive
little face. I always say that he’s
cuter than any baby we could have made.
He has a full head of blonde hair and has had 3 haircuts already!
As I re-read where I left off with my
last post, I noticed he was 23 lbs at 10 months. Now, seven months later, he’s only 25 pounds
and quite a bit taller. He’s a pretty
decent eater still (although he’s lost his love for certain veggies), but he
rarely sits still so he doesn’t gain much weight.
If Babykins were given five
supervision-free minutes at home, this is how I know he would spend it.
1. Run to the toilet.
Rapidly lift the lid and swish both hands back and forth along the
bottom of the bowl.
2. Run to the garbage. If it
was accidentally left unlocked, celebrate by picking things out, touching all
of the recycling and maybe having a snack or two.
3. Go into the closet and get the vacuum out. Empty out everything from the closet. Grab the broom and “clean” the floor. This boy loves all things cleaning. I have no idea where he got this love
from. He certainly doesn’t get it from
either one of his parents.
4. Find the cat and pet him gently at first, then get excited and
pull his tail.
In other parts of our life, we’ve
been thinking of moving. We were
fortunate to purchase a cottage a couple of years ago near my family, a
five-hour car ride from where we live now.
I’ve been debating since before we purchased it, if we would like to
live there one day.
Because D works from home, we’re able
to spend 6 months of the year at each place.
It’s is the perfect solution for right now. But of course, when Babykins starts school,
that’s all going to change.
Summers at the cottage are great, but
the cold winters aren’t. I love being close to my family and Babykins being
near his cousins. I notice a change in
my relationships with my family members when I am there. We are so much more connected when I am
geographically closer. We don’t have
any friends that live there though, and we miss those connections.
We prefer our home in the winter. All of our friends are here, as well as D’s
parents. Because it’s a bigger city,
there is more entertainment, and stuff to do with Babykins.
We are outgrowing our winter home. It
also has a pool that we have kept closed for the past two summers. I planted huge gardens that we now have to
pay someone to care for in the summer.
Our next door neighbour who cared for our lawn and the inside of our
house is now moving. All of this means
that we feel like it is time to list our house.
I’m feeling like I can’t take D away
from his parents, and that I’m not ready to move to the cottage full time. So for now at least, we are hoping to move
within the same town to a house with very little exterior maintenance. I would love to build something new near my
best friend, but D wants to find a more reasonably priced existing place.
We’ve met with realtors and have been
spending all of our extra time getting our house ready to sell. Seeing my house perked up has made me love it
all over again.
I don’t feel like I can talk with
much of this with my real life family or friends for lots of reasons. I know it’s a good problem to have, but it
still weighs on my mind wondering if we are making the right decisions.
Also contributing to the desire to
move is that we are feeling ready to start trying for baby #2. And we don’t have a great place to put baby
#2 if we were so lucky.
Until a couple of months ago, I
wasn’t sure if D would ever feel like he wanted a second. He’s so in love with Babykins, and is a very
involved parent, especially because he works from home. But he’s exhausted. Babykins hasn’t been a great sleeper since
the beginning, and D is a light sleeper.
I am the opposite, thankfully. D
has spent more than his fair share of nights awake.
D is an amazing father. I always knew he’d be a really great dad, but
he’s truly wonderful. I am lucky to have
him as a partner and co-parent. I am
especially reminded as I read other venting posts on Facebook mommy
groups. My guy is the opposite of so
many other daddy duds out there.
But back to baby #2…. We have four
normal embryos. We are going to ship
them back to our local clinic from CCRM.
Yes, the success rates aren’t as stellar, and shipping them carries
risk, but we don’t want four more kids, so we are prepared to take on a little
risk for the convenience of not having to travel half way down the continent
and spend even more of our savings. If
we didn’t have to repeat the $4,000 one day work up at CCRM to do a frozen
transfer, we’d probably just keep them where they are, but they won’t waive this
pre-requisite.
We’re aiming to transfer one embryo in
the next month or two before we leave for the summer. We are only going to try until I get
pregnant. As D says, we know that I can
get pregnant, we just don’t know if I can carry. Emotionally, if I have another miscarriage, I
don’t want to do any more transfers. I
think I’ll officially throw in the towel at that time with using my body.
Truthfully, I don’t even want to be
pregnant. Like, at all. I’ve read about and watched many of my
friends have rough pregnancies and recoveries and I really don’t want to
experience any of that, especially while chasing after our busy little
guy. I don’t want to miss out on any
moments with him.
If I had someone suitable offering to
be my surrogate this moment, I’d take them up on their offer. My sister generously offered to be our
surrogate after she has a second child, but that’s at least 4 years away. I would be 40 at that time, and given my
energy levels now, that seems too far away for me.
I’d love to do another adoption, but
we feel like we need to give our little embies a shot at life first.
That’s all for now… Sending love your
way!
