Working through another checklist and sisters

We're working our way through another checklist in an effort to get cleared by CCRM to choose a donor.

Part of me is annoyed that a lot of the testing we've had once, twice or eight million times before.  Oh, and paid the bills that many times too.   I'm hoping some of the things they've asked us to do is because our new donor nurse has overlooked some of the tests in our file.  But really, I feel like I'm done with having tests in general.  I'm sure all of you IFers feel the same way.

One of the things we checked off our list yesterday was our psych consult.  I think we passed it with flying colours, having gone through the embryo adoption process before.  I'm glad that is over with.  The psychologist was very nice.

The one lingering decision for us is around openness/contact with the donor.  D doesn't care if we have contact.  He things that we've been through enough and we just need to move on and not make every step we take perfect.   I feel the same way too, but potentially, I think this is too important to overlook.

I want this door to remain open for our (hopefully) one day child.  I personally don't have a desire to maintain a relationship with the donor, but I do want the option there for our child to reach out to her one day.  For whatever reason, to ask medical questions, or to help sort out some identity questions.  I think it's important.  I recognize that we may have a kid that doesn't care.  But we might also have one that does. Which is why I want the door left open for contact from us.

This part of CCRM's database I find underwhelming.  The nurses have access to whether donors have chosen to be "identity disclosed" as they put it.  But you have to specifically ask for that information with each donor.  To complicate things, right now their database of caucasian donors is surprisingly slim.  (While I would be open to parenting a non-caucasion child through adoption, I think it creates too many questions to be give birth to a child that is not caucasian when both D and I are.)

So I'm left pondering if an agency donor is a smarter choice for us, because there would be more options for openness.  As an added bonus, you can sometimes see a picture of the donor as an adult, which would be nice (but not necessary).   On the other hand, CCRM does have this really nice egg vitrification donor program, where you can get eggs that are already frozen.  That would takes a lot of stress out of things knowing that the eggs are already there, and we wouldn't find a donor that isn't fertile.  We don't want to push our luck with this anymore than we already are.  We see 'egg vit' donors as one less thing to worry about.   Decisions, decisions, decisions.

On a different note, I want to say that I really, genuinely appreciate your support here.  The support in my real world life has been not what I have needed lately.

This is a time where I really feel I need extra support.  These feel like a huge decisions.  And if I'm being real, I'm mourning.  The loss of my genetics is a big loss for me.  It's a loss that I didn't anticipate having to mourn twice in my life.  And you know what? I'm not sure it got much easier the second time around.  I just know what to expect this time.

My sisters in particular have let me down with their support.  I had a talk with D about it.  The one sister is busy starting a new job.  So I get it, she's busy.  But the other sister knows how this process has been so far.  She came to CO with me (which I appreciate tremendously), but afterwards it's been silence from her.  I texted her to let her know the outcome of our embryo testing and IVF.  She sent me a heart and said "that's me sending you my love".  She's a social worker/addictions councillor.  I feel really let down by this.  I move between feeling like I should just be grateful for what she's able to give, and pissed.   This is a huge deal for us.

I also know that if I reach out to her and/or tell her about how I feel about this, that any support she gives me afterwards will feel hollow.  So I keep my mouth shut.  But I find myself feeling resentful and I don't like that either.  What should I do?

So, I come to you, friends.  And for that I truly am grateful.  You are here listening patiently and lovingly. And offering your support and words of advice.  Thank you.