Tuesday, 10 September 2013

Working through another checklist and sisters

We're working our way through another checklist in an effort to get cleared by CCRM to choose a donor.

Part of me is annoyed that a lot of the testing we've had once, twice or eight million times before.  Oh, and paid the bills that many times too.   I'm hoping some of the things they've asked us to do is because our new donor nurse has overlooked some of the tests in our file.  But really, I feel like I'm done with having tests in general.  I'm sure all of you IFers feel the same way.

One of the things we checked off our list yesterday was our psych consult.  I think we passed it with flying colours, having gone through the embryo adoption process before.  I'm glad that is over with.  The psychologist was very nice.

The one lingering decision for us is around openness/contact with the donor.  D doesn't care if we have contact.  He things that we've been through enough and we just need to move on and not make every step we take perfect.   I feel the same way too, but potentially, I think this is too important to overlook.

I want this door to remain open for our (hopefully) one day child.  I personally don't have a desire to maintain a relationship with the donor, but I do want the option there for our child to reach out to her one day.  For whatever reason, to ask medical questions, or to help sort out some identity questions.  I think it's important.  I recognize that we may have a kid that doesn't care.  But we might also have one that does. Which is why I want the door left open for contact from us.

This part of CCRM's database I find underwhelming.  The nurses have access to whether donors have chosen to be "identity disclosed" as they put it.  But you have to specifically ask for that information with each donor.  To complicate things, right now their database of caucasian donors is surprisingly slim.  (While I would be open to parenting a non-caucasion child through adoption, I think it creates too many questions to be give birth to a child that is not caucasian when both D and I are.)

So I'm left pondering if an agency donor is a smarter choice for us, because there would be more options for openness.  As an added bonus, you can sometimes see a picture of the donor as an adult, which would be nice (but not necessary).   On the other hand, CCRM does have this really nice egg vitrification donor program, where you can get eggs that are already frozen.  That would takes a lot of stress out of things knowing that the eggs are already there, and we wouldn't find a donor that isn't fertile.  We don't want to push our luck with this anymore than we already are.  We see 'egg vit' donors as one less thing to worry about.   Decisions, decisions, decisions.

On a different note, I want to say that I really, genuinely appreciate your support here.  The support in my real world life has been not what I have needed lately.

This is a time where I really feel I need extra support.  These feel like a huge decisions.  And if I'm being real, I'm mourning.  The loss of my genetics is a big loss for me.  It's a loss that I didn't anticipate having to mourn twice in my life.  And you know what? I'm not sure it got much easier the second time around.  I just know what to expect this time.

My sisters in particular have let me down with their support.  I had a talk with D about it.  The one sister is busy starting a new job.  So I get it, she's busy.  But the other sister knows how this process has been so far.  She came to CO with me (which I appreciate tremendously), but afterwards it's been silence from her.  I texted her to let her know the outcome of our embryo testing and IVF.  She sent me a heart and said "that's me sending you my love".  She's a social worker/addictions councillor.  I feel really let down by this.  I move between feeling like I should just be grateful for what she's able to give, and pissed.   This is a huge deal for us.

I also know that if I reach out to her and/or tell her about how I feel about this, that any support she gives me afterwards will feel hollow.  So I keep my mouth shut.  But I find myself feeling resentful and I don't like that either.  What should I do?

So, I come to you, friends.  And for that I truly am grateful.  You are here listening patiently and lovingly. And offering your support and words of advice.  Thank you.


  1. The testing CCRM has us go through is insane. I love that they are so thorough, but at the same time, lets move on already!

    We really struggled with the tiny donor pool that CCRM had and were ready to do an agency when my nurse said they had potential good match for me. They had told me that September is when their pool starts to pick up a bit. I hope that's true for you. The expense and testing of an agency donor of course, just drags things even more.

    I'm so sorry for the lack of support from your sisters. I was sharing with my sister for awhile, but I feel that she got to the point of feeling awkward and not knowing what to say to me. I just stopped talking to her about it. Sucks, but I know she doesn't understand...she's not been here. I've been so lucky to have gotten so much support from the blog community that it's helped with the lack of support elsewhere.

    Best of luck with all the testing and decisions you have coming up!!

    1. I'm hoping things pick up with the donor pool. There are two that look pretty good right now to me, but I'm trying not to get attached to any of them until we have jumped through all of the right hoops.

      Thanks for the note.

  2. I'm sorry. Every step of this process is so heart wrenching and difficult. And I don't think it gets easier--actually, I think it gets easier when you have a child in your arms, however he/she arrives. But until then, I don't think any of it is easy. We're not moving forward with donor gametes yet, but we're almost certainly looking at DS, and possibly DE. Every step of the way hurts. Even when you know you're going to be getting bad news it hurts.

    I had to chuckle when you said that there was a shortage of Caucasian applicants at CCRM. We had the opposite problem when we were looking for DS. We needed Indian DS, and because there are so few Indian donors, we had to buy way in advance (we're going to move forward with DS IVF in May 2014) so we could be sure that we'd get someone we wanted.

    I'm sorry that your IRL support system isn't up to par. You definitely have people in the virtual world keeping in you in their thoughts and prayers.

  3. I can totally relate to your husband's and your desire to just move on to something that can work. I read your TTC timeline. Girl, you have been through a lot. It's your turn to answer easy questions, not hard ones. I totally agree with you on the frozen donor eggs. Let's get the show on the road and not deal with cancelled donor cycles, or just the donor stim cycle in general, or potential infertile donors (Can you imagine?). Let's have a baby already! I'm sorry to hear about your sisters' lack of support. It is soooo hard to reach out to loved ones because you want them to come back with the right things to say. But, what ARE the right things to say?


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