One month and so many things

The past month has been a fertility whirl wind.

We got all of our requirements for the donor program met and are now eligible to accept a donor.

We also made a huge decision to pursue traditional adoption concurrently.  We found a social worker who was on side with this idea (phew!).  We've completed most of the homestudy update requirements and have an appointment early next week with an agency.

It's all moving so slow, yet it feels fast at the same time.  The CCRM donor database for caucasian donors has been very slim.  The first week I checked there was no one.  The second week there was one acceptable person (for me), but she got scooped before I could blink.  The third week there was only one person who had a partner who had herpes (no thanks). This week there was another herpes person (wtf, CCRM!) and another lady who had  22 vitrified eggs.  So we accepted the other lady.

This part of the process feels nothing like what I had hoped for. I was hoping for TIME to review profiles and I as sad as it sounds, I  took a little comfort  in feeling like I was upgrading in the beauty, IQ and medical history department.  It is my little consolation prize that keeps me (semi) sane about all of this.

After barking at D the entire way through the donor selection process (time lines were tight and we were not adequately prepared, password problems etc at the end - gah!) I felt like crap.  I don't know why it had to be like that.  I don't know why I had to be like that.

It certainly wasn't the moment that I had played out in my head.

To top it off we do not know if she is an identity released donor (because apparently CCRM doesn't think that's important enough to even disclose when selecting a donor.  Instead they just ask you to hit accept on a donor and ask questions later, as the donor can be declined later and put back into the pool.

When we reviewed the donor we selected last night I didn't feel good about the decision. There were some things in her medical and family history that made me uncomfortable.  And as small as it is, she didn't have blue eyes (like I do), which is really the only 1 physical thing I actually wanted.  D has hazel eyes and a donor with brown eyes, I feel opens us up to a whole bunch of conversations with strangers that I really don't want to have.

So today, we are declining the donor and I'm going to start searching for an agency donor.  I'm ready for the easy part now universe.  Do you hear me?  I'm done with this shit.

On the adoption front, I had a tremendously emotional week writing and re-writing our adoption profile.   Trying to balance a way to will some person to give their newborn child to me, without begging.  Which is basically what I want to do at this point.  

The adoption workers advise you to write "your child" in the profile instead of our child.  They also ask you to consider jointly naming the child and what degree of openness you are comfortable with.  As I wrote the profile I vacillated between feelings of gratefulness for this person who is going through this stressful time and might be willing to make our dreams come true.  And feeling f*cking mad.  Why the f*ck do other people just get to have sex to make a baby?

It seems so absolutely ABSURD to me now that  pleasurable activity could actually make a baby.
Because you know what?  My baby "making" activities (I'm referring outside of the bedroom of course, sitting by my computer, in my doctor's office and in the recovery room of a hospital) have resulted in nothing but heartache and disaster.

To top off my little rant, I have a story about my brother and his fiancé.  In August, I babysat their 7 month old nephew for a week while the Mom went back to work.  (Remember their surprise pregnancy?) She was in a pinch for childcare, and I was happy to spend the time with my nephew.  It was honestly a great week, and I didn't even get that big of a baby hangover from it.  They gave me a large gift card to a fancy restaurant to say thank you.  In my mind it was a very gracious gesture but totally not needed. Especially because my brother's and electrician and he had been doing some work at our house for free.

Anyways,  I thought it would be a nice thing if we shared the gift card together.  They told me they had never been to the restaurant.  So I suggested we go (at that time) in a month on a Saturday that happened to be her birthday and our anniversary.  I said we could celebrate our annibirthary! It would be fun.  They had lots of time to get a babysitter arranged and I suggested we could go later in the evening so she could put my nephew to bed (he goes to bed at 6:30pm).   Sounds perfect!

A week before, I text both my brother and his fiancé to see if we're still on and what time would be good for a reservation.   She says it sounds like fun and then says they have to get a babysitter and will get back to me.  I was like - huh? Isn't that why we discussed it a month ago, but I let it go.  Then two days later she texts me back and says "thanks for the invitation, we can't go but have a great time".   What the f*ck.

There are so many things that I wanted to write back but I didn't.  So I just wrote, "Oh.  That sucks. Sorry to hear that".  It was the best I could muster.  I make a little mental note that I will talk to my brother in person the next time I see him and ask him what happened?

I do bump into him and get my chance.  He first tells me they couldn't find a babysitter.  Umm- that's bullshit.  They didn't try and they live in a town filled with relatives and friends that I'm sure would be happy to come over AFTER HE'S ALREADY SLEEPING nonetheless and watch him.  Seriously.   Then I say, but I gave you a month's notice.  He admits they didn't make any arrangements.

Here's the kicker - I know for a fact that there are several people that could watch him.  The dinner was going to be paid for with the gift card (my brother knew that).  It was to a restaurant we both want to go to.    It's not that we are on bad terms either, we get along just fine.

I feel like many of my friends act like lame-os now that they've had kids.  Now let's add my family to the list.  F*ck. I'm so angry.

If you are reading this, I'm sorry you are because I feel like I'm just spewing venom right now.  I hope your day is going better than mine is.