Saturday, 20 September 2014

Carla and looking back to two years ago

There hasn't been much word on Carla.  The agency hasn't had a lot of communication with her, because only family is allowed in the hospital.   The hospital social worker has been communicating with the agency and she says she is doing better and may get to go home soon.

I'm doing a digital clean up this weekend of my computer.  Mostly my pictures, but I'm getting my documents in a little better order too.  I came across this poem I wrote two years ago, just after my 33rd birthday and after my 8th treatment had failed.

While the two years in between writing this were a lot of the same, I'm grateful to be in a different place now.  The pain that existed in so many moments for me is fading.  There were times that I didn't think that it would.

I guess I should read the writing,
It’s on the wall
I don’t want to
I don’t want to

It’s so painful to never know why
Despite so many tries

So many needles, so much medicine
I thought it was just a matter of time
Or another dime
Before it was our turn
Used to think it was for a lesson to learn

Why couldn’t it have worked?
Not in the cards, not in the plan
That is simply just something I can’t understand

So much invested
So much taken away
So heartbroken
Wishing the babies just stayed.

A current beneath the flesh
That will always run deep
We won’t forget you
Even though sometimes we might try
Endurance can get ugly

It’s only to forget the pain of
Living our life without you
Just isn’t the same

Families are growing
But loneliness is around us
Even God seems further way

Am I supposed to move on now?
I don’t see how
I don’t see how
How do you travel beyond

We will never get over this
It’s too painful to erase
Too many scars, sitting in just this one place

Each passing birthday
Just reminds
The part of ourselves
That we just can’t find…

Trying to fill the void in any other way
Just doesn’t work

But I’ll try anyway?


  1. What a sad and beautiful poem. I am thinking about you and Carla often and hoping that she continues to get better and that wonderful baby continues to grow bigger and stronger with each day.

  2. Thank you for sharing that---it says precisely what I've felt in the past. So much pain and stuckness. It's amazing, isn't it, that we do find our way out of the muck, like tenacious swamp creatures or something, just trudging until we can take steps out and out and out. I am thinking about Carla and your baby every day, hoping for the best outcome, talking to DH about, just really hoping hard for sounds like things are turning that way, I'm so glad to hear. xo

  3. What a touching poem. So funny, if I read it two years ago, I'd never imagine just how much I would come to relate to it. Thanks for the update, I've been thinking about all of you as others have. Hoping this is finally the bright shining light at the end of the tunnel

  4. This poem is both heart wrenching. It is like seeing into your soul. I'm so sorry for all of your pain and disappointment. I can't wait to see a baby in your arms. It's been too long…your time has to be soon. Hugs!

  5. That words. I get it. That's all I can say. Big hugs that Carla continues to improve. xoxo

  6. I hope Carla's situation continues to improve, and I'm so glad you are in a different place now.


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