Tuesday, 2 September 2014

Name Game

Things have been going by at a rapid pace.  Buying things for baby.  Researching stuff.  Then not buying things because we're scared the birth parents might change their mind.

Tomorrow, we meet with the birth mother, and the maternal grandmother.  The birth mom and the birth father just broke up, so he's not coming.   We keep hearing about how lovely she is.  I'm excited to meet them, but also super nervous.

Basically we've been doing a lot of thinking, and a decent amount of unproductive worrying.

Tonight we've been feverishly working on names.  We had each been coming up with our own list, but never really talked in detail about important things like which names go together or even which ones we can both agree on (there are a few names, but not many).

I am indecisive on a good day.  Making a major decision on something like a name is stressing me out.

 Julia Spencer is a pen name which came from the names I thought I may one day want to name my child.  As it turns out, naming a kid in real life is a lot harder.   Especially when you have a more difficult last name, as we do.  It's a name that a child could struggle with, or be teased about.  When I married my husband, I thought long and hard about it, but I chose to take his name.

Now, I'm wondering if (for the sake of the child) I should change my name back to a hyphenated name with my maiden name and his name, and give the kid my maiden name.  Or hyphenated name, although I don't like that idea much because the two don't sound all that great together.  And I'm personally not a huge fan of most hyphenated names.  

To add a little pressure to the situation, we have the adoption part of the equation.  The child will be named by the birth mother, and a birth certificate will be prepared.  After the child is legally ours, we will change the birth certificate to what we choose.   That child will in all likelihood have an easier/more desirable name originally if we went with our current last name.   Humph.

The adoption agency recommends choosing a name with the birth mother, or that the birth parents choose the second name and we choose the first.  That sounds like sunshine and lolly pops IF they like nice names.

However, throw in: a) our difficult last name which they may or may not know about already (we think for confidentiality reasons they don't know) b) that we are scared of ANYTHING that might make birth mom think we aren't the best parents for her child, and c) changing your name back to your maiden name might be weird, d) D and I have differing opinions and e) we are supposed to talk about names TOMORROW, and oh, f) We have D's and his parent's feelings to consider.

It's our first big parenting decision and it's a bit of a mess.   Wish us luck.

Feel free to chime in with your opinion too.


  1. Lol I love this post for many reasons. It shows that we worry for our children no matter how they come to us. If it's not "implantation" obsessing it's something else. I guess it's true the worrying never stops.

    I had a student who got pregnant and put her daughter up for adoption. She named the little girl Alaska. The adoptive parents made it the middle name and I think it meant the world to her-like she felt extra happy and loved by them. I think middle names are a great way to honor people. At the end of the day he/she is YOUR baby so if you hate the middle name, if you quietly change it once everything is finalized then so be it.

    I LOVE reading about the stress OF a BABY coming!! <3

    1. It's a good reminder Holly. We are lucky to be worried about such things. XO

  2. My best friend has adopted twice now. Both times they let the birth mother choose the middle name. I think the most recent, the birth mother gave them 4-5 names she liked and my friends chose from that what went best with the first name/last name. I know it also meant a lot to the birth mother each time, like Holly said.

    I'm just super thrilled that you have these decisions to make!! So excited for you! xoxo

  3. I feel you on the "difficult" last name. My maiden name had 10 letters. My married last name has 10 letters. Neither name is lovely sounding. Hyphenating would have been ridiculous.

    You'll figure this out and whatever you choose will sound perfect for your baby!

  4. I'm on the "you're going to be the one yelling that name across the backyard, so you get to pick it" train. I like the others' suggestions that the birth mom pick the middle name. She feels included, but if you hate it you barely ever have to refer to it. I can't believe how fast this is all happening!!

  5. I think B and I aren't on the same page regarding names, but I've no doubt we'll find a good compromise name. I've been thinking a lot about genes and what connects people to their families and I wonder if family names could be a way to connect our children to our family histories that their genes won't provide. My aunt gave her adopted children first names that they liked and family middle names. All that said, I also really think involving the birth mother in the names is such a wonderful way to honor her. Not very helpful, I'm afraid; like you say, naming your children is much harder in real life.

  6. Good luck with the naming! I hope the meeting went well!!

  7. I have names picked out, but I've often thought about using my blog name too!

  8. Choosing a name is hard! It takes some people 9 months and you're doing it in a month with other people to consider. Go easy on yourself. ;) Hope y'all decide on a name you love!


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