All in

It seems I'm coming down from the emotional high that I had when leaving Colorado.   I kind of feel lame writing that - as if going to a fertility clinic could ever be a high, but, I guess I'll take what I can get.

I got my period yesterday, so it seems that the countdown is officially on.  I'm hoping to have all of my paperwork compete to attempt an IVF stimulation cycle in January, and a FET (hopefully) in February.  There's been a lot of tears (all mine) since November in getting to this point.  I'm scared of flushing a big wad of money down the toilet and coping with the emotional fall out if there are more negative results.

As I put it to D the other night while on a walk, this is it.  We are now all in as it relates to having a genetic child.  If this doesn't work (we're giving ourselves two IVF cycles depending on the results of the first CCS screening), this door will officially be closed for us.

Saying we are all in kind of makes me gag a little in side.  And I think I know why.  I've always been a procrastinator.  After some life coaching afforded to me in a previous career made me realize that my procrastination stems from wanting perfection.  Basically, it goes like this.  Something is hard or outside of my comfort zone.  If I procrastinate long enough, and don't have enough time that I am saving myself from disappointment if things don't work out.  There's always the thought that "I could have done better if I... had more time/tried harder", etc.

That's not the case for IVF.  I can't say that we've really procrastinated on a lot of things.  We've been chugging along this path for five years now.  Always in line for more tests, more procedures, more results.

These will be our last attempts at OE IVF.  And it makes me very emotional to think about it.  We are flying across the continent, to go all in.  This is it.  I've never felt this way before because there's always been more embryos, more chances left, more options out there.  God, please help us.

I've been following a blog for several months (http://lifeandloveinthepetridish.blogspot.ca) which I've grown to love.  She's a woman who persevered through much more than I think I could with all of this. She's survived cancer, seven IVFs and six, yes, six miscarriages.   One of the things the author has talked about is regret management.  I like the idea of this.  Hers involved a lot of very interesting things.  Mine are more basic.

1)  I've started exercising.  Today was my first day, and I joined a boot camp style fitness class.  I'm doing this to help stabilize my mood and to feel better about myself.  Because if this is all a bust, I'm going to need all of the help I can get.  It's been long enough that I've been making excuses (fertility treatments work great).  I will be stopping when I'm stimming, but until then it's a go.   At least I'm hoping to keep even with the house over the holidays.

2) I'm starting acupuncture. This is for overall health and to try to increase blood flow to my uterus.  At CCRM, during my one day work up they told me that I have "reverse flow" with the main arteries around my uterus.  They would like the flow to be under a 3.0 but my results were 3.62 and 3.5 left and right respectively.   When I go back to CCRM I'm going to have another doppler ultrasound to see if any of these things have changed my blood flow.

3) I've given up caffeine, even decaffeinated drinks and chocolate. When I had my doppler ultrasound, I wasn't allowed to have caffeine for three days prior because it reduces uterine blood flow.  Man, oh man. This has been hard for me.  I love sweets.  And it's Christmas.   I cheated once last Saturday and had a decaffeinated coffee, but other than that I've been caffeine free since November 29th.  I love a warm creamy drink (I'm drooling right now just thinking of a tall white chocolate mocha or coffee with french vanilla sweetener, literally).  This is difficult for me.  

4) I'm continuing with my supplements.  DHEA (3 x 75mg per day), CoQ10 (3 x 200mg per day).  1000 units of vitamin D (CCRM tested and I am slightly deficient).  And a prenatal vitamin with DHA.  This may slightly change when I see the naturopathic doctor today.

5) I'm going to continue to eat mostly home cooked meals with lots of veggies and lean proteins.  For my morning smoothie I'm going to start adding more greens.  Right now it's frozen raspberries, a banana, a frozen spinach puck, orange/veggie juice and greek yogurt.  I'm experimenting with adding celery and cucumber and kale.

As for drinking wheat grass or any other disgusting concoction, I just don't think I can handle any more changes.

This is it.  This is me.  I'm all in.  And it's scary as hell.