All or nothing

When I went to my second therapy appointment a few weeks ago, the therapist asked me if I felt I was an "all or nothing" person.  And well, the resounding answer is yes.   It can be one of my biggest strengths but equally it is one of my most troublesome weaknesses.

I left my job four years ago to figure out this IF stuff, and to catch up on all of the other things in life I had been missing due to being a workaholic. Thoughts of what kind of parent I wanted to be had changed my perspective on what I wanted from my career.  And also what I didn't want; a massively stressful and demanding job.  I also no longer wanted the reward of a job well done;  a promotion that promised more of each of those things, as well as a relocation to a new city.  So, after long discussions with D, I left on a one year sabbatical.  I left thinking I would take the year, get our IF problems mostly figured out and then go back.  Or find something else that I could jump into.   It was an all or nothing solution to our IF problem, and to my career problem.

Four years later, life happened including helping my sister recover from a massive illness.  I permanently left my job.  And now, I'm really feeling the strain of this strategy.   The distraction and joy that comes from a fulfilling career is not a part of my life.

I'm realizing that I do have a part time job, it is managing our IF.  In September, we did a frozen embryo transfer cycle. I counted that I spent over 50 hours that month driving to appointments, going to appointments, and researching IF related things, etc.   I'm grateful for the opportunity to have taken this time off, and I really feel for a lot of the women who write on their blogs and resolve.org talking about how hard it is to manage IF with their careers.   Lately however,  I think that my new job is a lot worse than my old one.  It is becoming very depressing.  I've got nothing to show for all of my work.  Except a lot less money in the bank.

I don't want my old job and I don't want my new one either.  Until I can figure this all out, I remain, as I currently think of myself, a stay at home mom without any kids.