Thursday, 17 January 2013

A Hot Mess

That's what I've been the past day or so.  Yesterday I could feel something coming on, a mood that wouldn't lift.  It's been threatening to come for a few weeks now, but I kept trying to send it packing.

A few small things happened and, bam.  I'm crying at the dinner table again.  Preceded and followed by a hefty dose of the why-me's. 

I'm trying to process what this funk is all about, and I think I have a few reasons.  Some are new.  Some aren't. 

I'm sick of rehashing old crap.  Over and over again without any different resolution. It's exhausting. And unproductive.   Obviously it isn't resolved for me though or else I wouldn't have anything to rehash?

My new reasons ...

-  I spent an evening and morning watching my friend's kids last week while she and her husband went to an out of town funeral.  Her children are lovely and sweet.  They had problems sleeping and by morning they were both cuddled up with me in bed.  My friend warned me in advance that this is what they do with them.  The little boy spent the early morning curled up next to me.  I've watched them many times before, but this experience was a new one for me.  It made me realize so much more of what we are missing.  I could write a whole post on this, but I don't want to relive it any more right now.  

- My brother's girlfriend is due to have her baby any second.   This makes me excited to be an aunt for the first time.  However also tremendously sad.  Watching my family's excitement is like a thousand little papercuts. I know they mostly hide their excitement from us to protect us, and that hurts too.  F*ck,  I wish it was us. I wish it was our turn.

- The reality that we will likely not be able to transfer any embryos (if we make any normals) until June is a real piss off.   This wasn't supposed to take this long.   This means I bought the stupid bridesmaid dress way too big.  If this doesn't work, we will have invested way more time than I ever thought we would in this.   Days are dragging on for years and whooshing by all at the same time.

- There have been a rash of Facebook baby announcements.  Why do I look at that thing?

- I have no projects and limited activities on the go.  In the past, I was working on a degree, on home reno projects, on various things.  I've graduated and the home reno budget is drying up.

- I'm really missing my friends and feeling lonely these days.  Oh, wait.  That's not new.

- I'm feeling very disconnected spiritually.  As in, I like the church, and still want to go but something is missing.

My old reasons...

- I'm tired of complaining to D.   I hate bringing him down.  He just wants me to be happy and I just can't.

- I'm sick just thinking of the money we are about to spend on these upcoming procedures.  If this doesn't work and it all is flushed down the toilet...

- Side note: D says I have a guilt-problem.  He says that I feel guilty for too much stuff and I should just let it go.  We've been dealt a bad hand with this IF and we shouldn't feel bad about spending the money or not being as productive as we would like.   I asked him, "aren't we supposed to rise up when faced with adversity?" he said, "that's something that mostly just happens in books".  Hmm.  Not so sure about that.  Something in the middle sounds good.

- I don't think I want to live where I do anymore.  I feel disconnected to the town we live in.  I want to live closer to my family.  I don't want to leave my best friend, and I feel guilty (there it is again) about separating D from his parents.  Some days I would leave in a second.  I day dream about moving away, living in a community that I feel connected to, in a home that we built.  With kids in our house... Before we were married I told him that I didn't know if I could live here forever.  That was nine years ago.  He said he would move and still does.  However his employment situation and future plans may not lend itself to that very well.  During really confusing days (like today) I wonder if the grass isn't really any greener over there anyways.

- I need to find some purpose with my life.  This could mean going back to work but I have no idea what I would do.  


  1. I am sorry you are feeling this way. IF sucks. I am like you in that I feel a 'bad day (or 2)' coming on for awhile in advance. I use to try to push it away, but now I have realized that that just makes it worse. Now when I feel a bad day coming on I look at my calender, pick a day that works, and stay home feeling bad for myself all day! And it helps, even if it is not the most 'resilient' thing!

    You are kind and brave to watch your friends kids. I am sure that is difficult. I have drawn the line there. My husband has kindly stepped in and has been helping out a friend with their toddler because his wife is on bed rest with baby #2. He feeds him and plays and puts him to bed. I jsut cant handle that right now.

    I hope that you find someting rewarding to do to fill yoru days. being busy is a life saver for me. I work 40 hours, and then try to go to tehgym or yoga a day or two after work, and the other nights I might go to happy hour or a meeting at church or run errands. If I didnt have projects to work on and parties to plan through all of this I think I would go nuts!

    Hope you feel bettter soon!

    1. Thank you for your kindness. I'm not sure if it's brave to watch my friend's kids. Maybe just dumb.

  2. I am so sorry you are feeling bad. I am in a similar place right now for many of the same reasons. I really do have too much time on my hands and that is dangerous for me. I wish I had some good advice for you, but I can't seem to figure it out for myself.

    1. When I get my magic wand to fix all of my problems, I'll hook you up too. :)

  3. I'm really sorry you're feeling so down. I know your feelings about not wanting to bring D down...I get the same way with M and then I just don't talk to him about how I'm feeling but it never ends up working out well in the end. I'm sure he wants to know when you're down, even if you feel guilty telling him about it. And Facebook? It's just evil. I'm thisclose to deleting myself forever. We should all boycott together!

    1. I want to boycott but I'm way too nosy for that. Think I will go with the selective reduction technique. Any preggos or new moms will be blocked from my feed.

  4. It's such a tough place to be in, a holding pattern in which you feel you have little or no control.

    This is astute: "Days are dragging on for years and whooshing by all at the same time."

    Wishing you well as you process these big emotions.

  5. Just found your blog and looking forward to following your journey and rooting for you! I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. You are not alone even thought it feels like it sometimes. Sending hugs your way and hoping the sun shines on you soon.


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