Monday, 10 December 2012

What IF

Oops, I just realized that this didn't get posted.... it's from a couple of weeks ago.

In my mind, one of the more annoying side effects of infertility (IF), are the 'what ifs' of IF.

Truthfully, I'm a person who could drive herself crazy just on normal life decisions, let alone making big ones with huge pieces of missing information.  I like to think, then over-think each decision.  Then rehash it after I've made the decision.  I even annoy myself doing it, it's a miracle D can stand it too.   I think one of the things that attracted me to him was this ability to analyze the situation, and make a quick decision.  When things don't go his way, he usually doesn't feel regret about them, he just changes directions, and moves on.  It's a lovely way to live.

Of course our biggest what if is about if there will be little feet around our home sooner or way-later?  We're already 5 years into this journey.  I wonder what our lives will look like in 5 more years.
(Side note - I'm a moment of relative positivity about our infertility, and so I'm feeling like it's not a matter of if we are going to become parents but when.  Tomorrow I will probably post something precisely the opposite because that's how I roll.)

There are so many choices that D and I would like to make. 

One big one is related to our home.  Specifically, what city we will live in. The cities we are choosing between aren't close, they are about 5 hours apart.  And, basically it boils down to his family or mine.   We live close to his right now, and have for our entire relationship.  We both went to university nearby.  We've got some good friends here and his family which is basically just his parents and Grandma.   My family is larger, and is expanding as my cousins begin the years where most of them will marry (and I'm assuming procreate easily...ah... why does my mind always go in that direction...but anyways).   

My heart is where my family is.  Before we married I told him that I may want to move back home.  He told me he was ok with that.  8 years later that little itch I had before to move is turning into a full-blown case of the chicken pox. 

Once we decide where to live, there will be the choice about how large of a home to buy.  How many bedrooms. 

The second biggest choice right now is that D would like to go back to school to do a PhD.  Lately we've been discussing which schools would be good for him, and finances, etc.  It's a big commitment on many levels including to a geographic area.  And it would also mean that I would go back to work, at least until we start our family.   I never imagined parenting with him as a student.  We would be going from the most flexible lifestyle (he's self employed with a lot of freedom), to something with a pretty demanding schedule, and him working on the side.  

I feel like there is an added level of 'if' built into every decision we make, or don't make for that matter.


  1. I have to completely agree with you. The "what ifs" are the hardest.

  2. I am the same way with decision making. I over think and second guess everything. I don't know how I will decide about donor eggs if/when it comes to that. I keep getting stuck on how to explain it to the kids.


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