It's been a while

Oh blog, and bloggy friends.  I didn't mean to be away for so long.  I missed you! I've been following along with many of your journeys.  I just haven't been focusing much on my writing about my own.  I've mostly been taking a big break from everything fertility.  It's been great.

It's been a busy summer for me. There have been many home projects and lots of socializing which has been nice.  We've been at our summer cottage since early May.  I haven't been home or wanted to go home (yet).

I wanted to keep a record for myself of what I've been up to and thought you may be interested too?

Home Projects:

We bought this place while it was under a blanket of snow. At the time, we didn't really view the place we bought as a fixer-upper.  However, a lot of things needed to be done below the surface.  I think the previous owners must have been very busy and/or fell out of love with this place long before they moved.  There was a lot to do, but we're getting a handle on it now.  Much of it, was stuff that you might not even notice until you were here and stayed a while.   They kind of half-ass fixed the things guests/potential buyers could see, and didn't maintain much else.  It's interesting getting a little glimpse into people's lives by living in a house after them.  It really does tell you a lot about someone.

I've been on a mission to get things cleaned up while the weather is nice.  I also want things to be in good shape before my next frozen transfer, especially because a lot of the things I've been doing will be off limits later on... hopefully for 9 months!

Here are the home projects we tackled:

• Refinished the basement rec room-  My Mom and I scraped off sail boat and burgundy/forest green striped wallpaper.  I removed some dated vertical blinds. I fixed the eight kajillion holes that I found under the wall paper.  Everything got a fresh coat of paint, including the brick fireplace.   Have you ever cleaned and painted brick? Whoa nelly.  It takes a long time to make it look nice.  I have a new appreciation for people who paint the exteriors of their homes now. We also added some new baseboard and trim.
• With the help of my brother we added new wiring for a ceiling fan in our bedroom and for the rec room.  Adding the wiring for the bedroom was a big job because we had to cut into the walls and fish the wires through. 
• Touched up the basement hallway paint.  
• We also replaced half of the house's receptacles and switches .  The other half require something special and we hope to do them later on. 
• I painted the fence and deck.  D added more spindles to deck to make it safer for little humans.  Only about a quarter of the exterior of the deck was painted before I did this - the only part of the deck that was painted was what showed in the real estate pictures, of course! 
• I repainted 2 bathrooms.  Including painting the inside of the cupboards which were NASTY and I cleaned the inside of the bathroom fans and now they work much better (yuck). 
• Painted my bedroom closet.  This turned out to be a big job because there was water damage hiding behind some old mirrors that were left behind.   Why do little jobs always grow into bigger ones?
• Bought a new rug for D's office and cleaned his office.
• Hung 2 sets of bedroom curtains.  
• Reworked 1 garden, planted some flowers and did some serious pruning and shrub removal. 
• We took 2 pick up truck loads to the dump.  It was garbage that the previous owners had dumped into the bush.  Shingles, tires, old trim, bath tub faucets, old tarps! What big mess! 
• Re-graded part of our driveway that is gravel including weeding. I may or may not have used the help of a 2 year old, 3 year old and a bunch of Tonka trucks. 
• We did "phase 1" of reclaiming the waterfront from the overgrown mess that it was.
• We removed two delapitated birdhouses and large pole from awkward location. 
• Organized the garage... a few times! 
• Installed our dock. 

Some other things we've been doing: 

• We've been going to lots of yard sales, to buy tools and other household things we need.  We've bought some seriously good junk including tools a brand new portable air condioner for $15 and some awesome painted solid wood dressers which I am using for night tables for $10 each
• I learned how to make homemade pasta from my cousin. Yum.  It's one of those things I now *almost* wish I didn't know how to do for the sake of my waist line. 
• I joined a soccer house-league and play once a week.
• Took four day trips with D to small towns within a couple of hours driving distance. 
• Visited my dad's cottage.
• Visited another cottage rented by my best friend's family.  She was having marital problems and was outnumbered by kids so I went for a few days to help out and to relax.    
• Went to a family wedding.  That weekend I hosted my sister and her boyfriend for a couple of days.  It was our first family wedding in five years.  I had an awesome time! 
• I went on a garden tour with my grandma. I loooooved it!!  Snooping around people's garden's is my favourite! 
• Bicycling and hot tubbing and drinking coffee and booze!
• Bought a boat. 
• Babysat my nephew for the day.
• Helped with yardwork at my brother's house.
• Went to my grandma's 86th birthday party.
• Visited my aunt at her trailer.  Went boating and swimming there.
• Dogsat a couple of afternoons.
• Celebrated D's 38th birthday at a great little restaurant using a gift card we were given. It's our new favourite local spot. Imagine a quaint rustic historic building nestled on a riverbed serving Italian food. There 10 tables and 4 employees. A cook, a sous chef, a server and one dishwasher. The food is prepared in front of your eyes, and is made from local amazingness.  YUM.
• Went to a bachlorette and dancing at a bar. I haven't done that in for-ev-er! I felt really old, and and let's face it, I was almost twice the age of many of the patrons.  And I was completely sober because I was the designated driver.    

Hosting Guests: 

This has made the home projects a little trickier to do, because we are always having to clean up our reno projects before company comes.  It also provides good motivation to get things done.

• 45 people for a birthday party for my cousin. 8 friends spent the weekend.  It was a crazy weekend.  In short: 
• D got drunk and spent a good chunk of the night puking.  
• One of our single guy friends was caught masturbating in the bathroom by 9 of our other guests (who were sitting outside).  Whoa.  Seriously embarrassing for everyone.  I still can't believe it happened. 
• Someone wrote on my wall with pen (and spelled what they wrote incorrectly).  I'm still peeved about this and I don't think they'll be invited back any day soon!  
• Someone accidentally let out our 21 lb indoor cat, and after some frantic searching, he came home on his own 48 hours later. 
• Hosted another couple and their 2 kids aged 2 & 3.  
• Hosted D's parents twice.  Was nice to my MIL the whole time even though she annoys the shit out of me. 
• Hosted 4 of my university friends for 3 days.
• Fed my various family many times when they came to help.
• Hosted a birthday party for my dad.

The company was good, but I think we overdid it a little bit.   We've decided not to host any overnight guests for the rest of the summer to give us a little breathing room.

Fertility: 

Even though we weren't focused on this, there was a little bit going on.

• I drove 2 hours away for a HSC and spent the night at a friend's.  I got my shop on in big city that day.  I need to return most of what I bought (bedding doesn't fit!) but it was fun anyways. The Doc gave me the all clear and says everything looks good - phew! .
• Finished up all of my blood work to make sure my HCG was less than 5.  That took at least 5 visits and almost 2 months.
• Recently I organized my meds and upcoming cycle.
• Trying to support D is his grief- there's a post on that that I got too lazy to edit and never published.  I will do that soon.  The summer's been rough on him.
• I got mad at CCRM for repeatedly forgetting my history and not re-testing my no result embryos (3 weeks late) and for suggesting bcps as a part if my protocol again (which I can not take).  I sent a short but to the point email about fixing this situation.  
• We got the results of our no-result embryos and we have ONE MORE NORMAL!!!! THAT MAKES FOUR!!! :)))

Adoption:

• Sent a letter to 6 government officials advocating for a longer leave for adoption (when compared to maternity leave where I live). Got two letters back which weren't what I was hoping, including one very detailed one.  I'm thinking of my response. 
• Arranged a meeting to look into public adoption.
• Got our pictures taken for our adoption book (that reminds me! I need to order some prints!)

Life in general:

Our house has mostly been clean and we've been eating a lot of eating fresh, homemade meals.  I feel way better when my house is in control and my belly is full of good food.

Overall it's been a good few months. I am so very grateful. I especially love having my family around, and that I can see them frequently.  The fact that they are mostly handy and willing to help is great too.  My heart is full right now.  I want to remember this.  This is what good feels like.  This is what life with less focus on infertility and loss feels like.

It's got me thinking that maybe I could survive being child free if I had too.  D's on a different page.  I'm not giving up by any means, but after seven years of this IF bullshit,  it's relieving to feel like there's a part of me that could be okay, even if things didn't work out.

This winter, I was feeling like I wasn't capable of feeling happiness anymore.  That, that part of me was gone.  It really was the biggest fuck you that infertility and loss has dealt me yet.  It felt like not only could I not have (or keep my) babies, but I couldn't have any other happiness either.

I'm glad to have escaped that, at least for a while.  I just wish D could get more relief too.  My happiness is far from complete when he is feeling depressed and anxious.

I don't mean to sound like things have been perfect. They haven't been.  I have been moody.  So has D.  We've had our fights.  I have had mad and sad days.  I still feel infertility's dark little shadow creep over my shoulder every now and again.

If I listened to her, right now she'd remind me that the summer will be over before I know it.  That I always feel more depressed in the winter.  That the winter will be quiet and lonely at home.  That I will miss this place I am at right now.  She reminds me that there will be more difficult decisions to be made, more hormonal roulette to be played.  And there very well could be more grief.  That D is in a dark hole, and it could get worse for him.

For now though, I am aiming to shut her down.  To try to be mindful of the moment I'm in, and grateful for what is good today.

3 parent IVF

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2014/06/29/magazine/the-brave-new-world-of-three-parent-ivf.html?referrer=

Wow. 

The cat came back!

D woke from sleeping to the cat crying outside our bedroom window. He went outside to see but he didn't see him and thought that he was dreaming it. He called him and he appeared! Phew. We are sooooooo happy he's back.

My cat is missing

We're still at our cottage. It's been wonderful, until now. 

Two nights ago we had a big party for my cousin's 30th birthday. A few people spent the night. Somehow, between 2 and 6 am, while we were sleeping, our 21lb, 8 year old indoor cat got out of the house and has not returned.  Shit. 

We've done a lot to find him. All with out any luck. He was spotted about a mile from our home, headed in the direction of our primary residence. 

He's a great pet, and D's baby. D is a HUGE animal lover. He rides shotgun with D at work in his home office. D has been extremely emotionally distraught, even having anxiety attacks last night. He doesn't need anymore loss.  Not now. 

Any ideas on how to find him? We've put up tons of posters with a reward offer.  We have thouroughly canvassed the area, several times, day and night. My dad took a four wheeler through the bush.  Friends have drove around searching.  We've called humane societies and posted in several lost & found places online. 

Adoption Story

D has always been more onside with pursuing adoption instead of fertility treatments.  He sees and hears about families with adopted children more regularly than I do.  When he does, he feels like it could have been us,  if we had jumped on the adoption band wagon sooner.   We could be parenting right now instead of gearing up for our 9th transfer, and just beginning our to wait to be matched with a child. 

Who knows what would have happened?  But now, I feel like I think he may be right.  While we made all of our decisions on how to proceed jointly, I can't help but feel responsible for the weight of this sadness.  I am the one who has pushed for fertility treatments more than adoption.  

If it was up to him, we would have ditched the fertility treatments long ago.    He even said recently that he wished our embryos would have all been abnormal because it would have ended our fertility journey.  Ouch.  He may have said that out of stress and anger, but I think it shows just how finished he is with all of our fertility stuff. 

Another reason why D has been struggling is because of news regarding our friends recent adoption plans.  Lainey and Paul are our closest infertile friends who we love spending time with.  They registered with the same adoption agencies as us, at the same time, and we share the same social worker.  

As you may remember, at the agency's request, we pulled our application when we learned that I was pregnant.   During that time, they got the call that they were being considered for a match!  It seemed like a great situation.  The risks to the newborn were low, and something neat was that the birth mother is Asian and the father is Eastern European, and Lainey and Paul are too.  

Right around the same time, we were having a meeting with our social worker and a birth mother counsellor.  They told us anonymous stories about recent matches that happened.   We knew they could be talking about our friends.  They mentioned after a long lull in birth parents coming forward, that they were now dealing with five (!!) new situations.  

D and I both bit our lips.  We were keenly aware that if things had worked out differently with our last cycle, that we may have been considered for one of those babies.   That there might not be any more babies for a while now.  

They told us a story about one of those matches.  It was a couple who looked at several profiles and weren't feeling connected with anyone, only to see the next batch of profiles and realize right away that the had found the couple for them.  They viewed the couple as easy going, older, more mature, versions of themselves.  I felt like they were talking about our friends.  

Shortly after, we got news that Lainey and Paul were matched! After hearing the news, I felt happy in a way that I never have for anyone else who announced they were expecting before.  So genuinely over the moon happy and excited.  I didn't honestly even know I had that level of excitement in me after all of this infertility crap.  It was all I could think about.  It gave me such hope that adoption just might work out for us too. 

I think that thought - that this could actually work out for us - is the one piece of the adoption puzzle that's been missing for me throughout this journey.  I heard so many horror stories through the adoption process that I felt scared to even begin opening ourselves up to the potential of that kind of pain, after all we have already been through on the fertility front.   Hearing their news really changed my perspective and motivated me to continue to pursue our adoption plans. 

Lainey and Paul began to quickly put together all of the supplies they would need for their baby.  A nursery, a car seat, you name it.   They were also trying to prepare their careers for their absences from work, especially her parental leave.    They met with the birth family and had a nice visit.  They jointly decided that the birth parents would choose the second name, and our friends would choose the first name.   Things went from moving slowly to lightening speed. 

Lainey is also a part time photographer, and got the opportunity to photograph childbirth.  I know she was in awe at the birth and I'm sure it had extra meaning knowing what was going on in their lives.  The day after watching the birth, they got the call that their daughter had arrived three and a half weeks early!   They rushed to go see her soon after her birth.  One of the names chosen for her was Julia! 

I got the text with the news while my friends were visiting a couple of weekends ago.  I burst into tears.  Everyone were all worried that something bad had happened.  I don't think I've ever cried in front of them.  I all I could say at first was "It's good news!".   They were excited also to hear about the news.  It wasn't really my place to share, but after all of the tears,  I had to tell them what was happening.  I also thought it was okay to do so because none of them know them or live in the same cities.  We talked about our adoption process after and it was really nice. 

When Lainey and Paul got to the hospital to meet their daughter, they also met with members of the birth parent's extended family.  (Interestingly, the birth father was also adopted.)  Paul and Lainey introduced themselves to everyone and Paul gave his contact information to everyone that was there.   The family gave them gifts for the baby.  Everything was going well.    It was probably a picture perfect example of an open adoption. 

The day after the baby arrived, a relative stepped forward and said that he was not aware of the pregnancy and he was going to make his own adoption plan.   While the birth father wanted to proceed with Lainey and Paul as parents, the mother was now put in a very difficult position with her relatives and said she would not decide.   Where I live, when a parent won't decide on an adoption plan, it means that the family may have some rights in deciding the fate of the baby.  

Paul and Lainey were asked to leave by the social workers.  I received a text saying that after 3 days with her, that they were going home with an empty car seat.  Our friend's hearts were shattered, and ours were too.  The social workers scrambled to figure out what was happening.  

A day later, they got a call from the social workers, saying not to give up hope yet.  That there was still a chance that the match could be made.  They were going to have more meetings with the birth parents, and the relatives to sort out everyone's thoughts and feelings. 

We waited from afar in horror.  This was one of my worst adoption nightmares coming true.  It put D in an even darker place.  "Why was this happening?  Why didn't that relative step forward earlier in the process?" we asked.   "Why does this have to be so hard?" Lainey asked us, as we wondered the same thing.    

The day after the meetings, they got word that the birth parents decided to proceed with Lainey and Paul as parents!  What a tremendous relief.  

They are now in the waiting period to bring home their daughter.  Because of the tumultuous start, the child is in foster care, to give everyone some time to cool off.  Apparently they may get to bring her home before the waiting period is over.  They still aren't out of the woods yet, but things are looking positive. 

I am so glad that things are still progressing with their adoption.  Lainey and Paul have been under such stress.  And when I imagine what it must be like for the birth mother and father, and relatives, I know it's not easy for them either.  Adoption can be so complicated.  It's a reminder to me of all that can go right with adoption, but also of all that can go terribly wrong.  

Hubby's turn

He kept us afloat when we were in the thick of everything with our last miscarriage, even though I know it was very difficult for him to do, because he was mourning too.

Now, a couple of months later, he's heavily grieving. Our childlessness, combined with the fact that he has a lot of other things on his plate to deal with, is making him feel very depressed. 

There's been a major downturn in his industry.  Promising leads into a couple of new business prospects have fallen flat.  

He's struggling majorly with his faith - something I can't help but feel partially responsible for, as my faith is at a very low point.  And while I support him in his own personal journey, I know he feels my absence in this area. 

He is so sad. Having any one of his buckets (as he refers to them) refilled; spiritually, parentally, or in his career would help so much.  It's just really rough when all of them are low. 

Throw in his 38th birthday recently and the poor guy's in rough shape. I know how bad he's hurting, because I've been in those lows, and I see him struggling.  I wish I could do more to help.


PS) HCG is still 20.  At cycle day 14, the saline sono's going to have to wait until next month.

Fertility vacation

All things fertility have been progressing slowly, and shhhh...don't tell anyone, but this time I don't mind. 

I've been distracted with company and home renovation projects (mostly painting). It feels good to think about other things. 

Some of the company that came were my friends that I wrote about a lot in the month of May. I worried a bit that things might feel a bit awkward after asking for more support, but they weren't. Phew! 

We had a wonderful time. The weather was great, we rode bikes and went on a 3 hour boat cruise, ate tons of yummy food and had a bon fire. We sat on a floating couch thingy that they bought for us for hours. It was my idea of perfection.  I'm feeling very grateful for the time we've been able to spend here and for how things worked out with them.  

If we hadn't all talked before they visited, I know this weekend (if it happened at all) may have been tainted with resentment towards them. I'm thankful that the lines of communication were opened. 

This week, we had another meeting with Dr. S. 

The purpose of the meeting was to find out more info about our CCS results. 

We were wondering if they could determine anything from the abnormalities ie) if they were from sperm or egg issues? He said they had no way of knowing his information. 

The 3 normals we had were 3 of our highest rated embryos. They were previously rated:

6BA

5AA

5AB

He suggested re-testing our no results. 

We asked again about if he thought if we should transfer 1 or 2 embryos and what his rationale was for his response. Last time when we didn't have our CCS results, he suggested two. 

Surprisingly, said two again. He said this is because of the number of embryos  and transfers we have had in the past. He said we didn't know for sure if the ones we transferred were normal or abnormal.  

This was very different advice than what we got from Dr. Gustofson with our last transfer (at the same clinic).  He suggested one when we didn't know if they were normal or not. 

(Side note: In my heart, I believe that most if not all of the embryos we transferred in the past were abnormal. Of course, I have no proof of this. I believe this however , because seven of them were donor embies where there were known miscarriage issues. The next six were our genetic embies (with all of our issues) and the last one one was the donor egg (where we know that at least 5 of the last 11 were abnormal- so who knows if that one was normal or not). 

Regarding our last DE embaby, I'd be interested in knowing if it was more or less likely to have been because of a genetic abnormality after finding a heart rate? I didn't think to ask. 

In our meeting with Dr. S, there were a few annoying contradictions. They were about medications and protocols.  There was also some contradictory info between what Dr. G said the last time and what Dr. S said, and what Dr. G said made more sense. 

Dr. S is slipping out of our good books.  We're going to stick with him, but D and I are feeling a bit frustrated with him. He's supposed to be the best, but he tells us different things at each meeting. I feel like it's because he has barely reviewed our file before our call.  He says one thing, I remind him of what he said before and why, and then he changes his tune.  We have very high expectations of him and this clinic, yes, but I know the contradictions would be something I would be annoyed at if they happened somewhere else too.   For example, how many times should I have to remind them that I can't take the pill because of my family history and my risk of stroke? Gah! 

Anyways, Overall, he said that he was glad we did the CCS, which he previously described as something he didn't recommend and "overkill". 

I think transferring two normal embryos (which Dr. S says almost all of his DE patients do) might be overkill. Who knows though, we're still thinking about it. 

Now, I will continue to wait for my HCG to drop below 5.

I had a test recently and I'm still awaiting the results. After it has dropped, I'll need one more test and then my fertility vacation will be over.