It's been a while

Oh blog, and bloggy friends.  I didn't mean to be away for so long.  I missed you! I've been following along with many of your journeys.  I just haven't been focusing much on my writing about my own.  I've mostly been taking a big break from everything fertility.  It's been great.

It's been a busy summer for me. There have been many home projects and lots of socializing which has been nice.  We've been at our summer cottage since early May.  I haven't been home or wanted to go home (yet).

I wanted to keep a record for myself of what I've been up to and thought you may be interested too?

Home Projects:

We bought this place while it was under a blanket of snow. At the time, we didn't really view the place we bought as a fixer-upper.  However, a lot of things needed to be done below the surface.  I think the previous owners must have been very busy and/or fell out of love with this place long before they moved.  There was a lot to do, but we're getting a handle on it now.  Much of it, was stuff that you might not even notice until you were here and stayed a while.   They kind of half-ass fixed the things guests/potential buyers could see, and didn't maintain much else.  It's interesting getting a little glimpse into people's lives by living in a house after them.  It really does tell you a lot about someone.

I've been on a mission to get things cleaned up while the weather is nice.  I also want things to be in good shape before my next frozen transfer, especially because a lot of the things I've been doing will be off limits later on... hopefully for 9 months!

Here are the home projects we tackled:

• Refinished the basement rec room-  My Mom and I scraped off sail boat and burgundy/forest green striped wallpaper.  I removed some dated vertical blinds. I fixed the eight kajillion holes that I found under the wall paper.  Everything got a fresh coat of paint, including the brick fireplace.   Have you ever cleaned and painted brick? Whoa nelly.  It takes a long time to make it look nice.  I have a new appreciation for people who paint the exteriors of their homes now. We also added some new baseboard and trim.
• With the help of my brother we added new wiring for a ceiling fan in our bedroom and for the rec room.  Adding the wiring for the bedroom was a big job because we had to cut into the walls and fish the wires through. 
• Touched up the basement hallway paint.  
• We also replaced half of the house's receptacles and switches .  The other half require something special and we hope to do them later on. 
• I painted the fence and deck.  D added more spindles to deck to make it safer for little humans.  Only about a quarter of the exterior of the deck was painted before I did this - the only part of the deck that was painted was what showed in the real estate pictures, of course! 
• I repainted 2 bathrooms.  Including painting the inside of the cupboards which were NASTY and I cleaned the inside of the bathroom fans and now they work much better (yuck). 
• Painted my bedroom closet.  This turned out to be a big job because there was water damage hiding behind some old mirrors that were left behind.   Why do little jobs always grow into bigger ones?
• Bought a new rug for D's office and cleaned his office.
• Hung 2 sets of bedroom curtains.  
• Reworked 1 garden, planted some flowers and did some serious pruning and shrub removal. 
• We took 2 pick up truck loads to the dump.  It was garbage that the previous owners had dumped into the bush.  Shingles, tires, old trim, bath tub faucets, old tarps! What big mess! 
• Re-graded part of our driveway that is gravel including weeding. I may or may not have used the help of a 2 year old, 3 year old and a bunch of Tonka trucks. 
• We did "phase 1" of reclaiming the waterfront from the overgrown mess that it was.
• We removed two delapitated birdhouses and large pole from awkward location. 
• Organized the garage... a few times! 
• Installed our dock. 

Some other things we've been doing: 

• We've been going to lots of yard sales, to buy tools and other household things we need.  We've bought some seriously good junk including tools a brand new portable air condioner for $15 and some awesome painted solid wood dressers which I am using for night tables for $10 each
• I learned how to make homemade pasta from my cousin. Yum.  It's one of those things I now *almost* wish I didn't know how to do for the sake of my waist line. 
• I joined a soccer house-league and play once a week.
• Took four day trips with D to small towns within a couple of hours driving distance. 
• Visited my dad's cottage.
• Visited another cottage rented by my best friend's family.  She was having marital problems and was outnumbered by kids so I went for a few days to help out and to relax.    
• Went to a family wedding.  That weekend I hosted my sister and her boyfriend for a couple of days.  It was our first family wedding in five years.  I had an awesome time! 
• I went on a garden tour with my grandma. I loooooved it!!  Snooping around people's garden's is my favourite! 
• Bicycling and hot tubbing and drinking coffee and booze!
• Bought a boat. 
• Babysat my nephew for the day.
• Helped with yardwork at my brother's house.
• Went to my grandma's 86th birthday party.
• Visited my aunt at her trailer.  Went boating and swimming there.
• Dogsat a couple of afternoons.
• Celebrated D's 38th birthday at a great little restaurant using a gift card we were given. It's our new favourite local spot. Imagine a quaint rustic historic building nestled on a riverbed serving Italian food. There 10 tables and 4 employees. A cook, a sous chef, a server and one dishwasher. The food is prepared in front of your eyes, and is made from local amazingness.  YUM.
• Went to a bachlorette and dancing at a bar. I haven't done that in for-ev-er! I felt really old, and and let's face it, I was almost twice the age of many of the patrons.  And I was completely sober because I was the designated driver.    

Hosting Guests: 

This has made the home projects a little trickier to do, because we are always having to clean up our reno projects before company comes.  It also provides good motivation to get things done.

• 45 people for a birthday party for my cousin. 8 friends spent the weekend.  It was a crazy weekend.  In short: 
• D got drunk and spent a good chunk of the night puking.  
• One of our single guy friends was caught masturbating in the bathroom by 9 of our other guests (who were sitting outside).  Whoa.  Seriously embarrassing for everyone.  I still can't believe it happened. 
• Someone wrote on my wall with pen (and spelled what they wrote incorrectly).  I'm still peeved about this and I don't think they'll be invited back any day soon!  
• Someone accidentally let out our 21 lb indoor cat, and after some frantic searching, he came home on his own 48 hours later. 
• Hosted another couple and their 2 kids aged 2 & 3.  
• Hosted D's parents twice.  Was nice to my MIL the whole time even though she annoys the shit out of me. 
• Hosted 4 of my university friends for 3 days.
• Fed my various family many times when they came to help.
• Hosted a birthday party for my dad.

The company was good, but I think we overdid it a little bit.   We've decided not to host any overnight guests for the rest of the summer to give us a little breathing room.

Fertility: 

Even though we weren't focused on this, there was a little bit going on.

• I drove 2 hours away for a HSC and spent the night at a friend's.  I got my shop on in big city that day.  I need to return most of what I bought (bedding doesn't fit!) but it was fun anyways. The Doc gave me the all clear and says everything looks good - phew! .
• Finished up all of my blood work to make sure my HCG was less than 5.  That took at least 5 visits and almost 2 months.
• Recently I organized my meds and upcoming cycle.
• Trying to support D is his grief- there's a post on that that I got too lazy to edit and never published.  I will do that soon.  The summer's been rough on him.
• I got mad at CCRM for repeatedly forgetting my history and not re-testing my no result embryos (3 weeks late) and for suggesting bcps as a part if my protocol again (which I can not take).  I sent a short but to the point email about fixing this situation.  
• We got the results of our no-result embryos and we have ONE MORE NORMAL!!!! THAT MAKES FOUR!!! :)))

Adoption:

• Sent a letter to 6 government officials advocating for a longer leave for adoption (when compared to maternity leave where I live). Got two letters back which weren't what I was hoping, including one very detailed one.  I'm thinking of my response. 
• Arranged a meeting to look into public adoption.
• Got our pictures taken for our adoption book (that reminds me! I need to order some prints!)

Life in general:

Our house has mostly been clean and we've been eating a lot of eating fresh, homemade meals.  I feel way better when my house is in control and my belly is full of good food.

Overall it's been a good few months. I am so very grateful. I especially love having my family around, and that I can see them frequently.  The fact that they are mostly handy and willing to help is great too.  My heart is full right now.  I want to remember this.  This is what good feels like.  This is what life with less focus on infertility and loss feels like.

It's got me thinking that maybe I could survive being child free if I had too.  D's on a different page.  I'm not giving up by any means, but after seven years of this IF bullshit,  it's relieving to feel like there's a part of me that could be okay, even if things didn't work out.

This winter, I was feeling like I wasn't capable of feeling happiness anymore.  That, that part of me was gone.  It really was the biggest fuck you that infertility and loss has dealt me yet.  It felt like not only could I not have (or keep my) babies, but I couldn't have any other happiness either.

I'm glad to have escaped that, at least for a while.  I just wish D could get more relief too.  My happiness is far from complete when he is feeling depressed and anxious.

I don't mean to sound like things have been perfect. They haven't been.  I have been moody.  So has D.  We've had our fights.  I have had mad and sad days.  I still feel infertility's dark little shadow creep over my shoulder every now and again.

If I listened to her, right now she'd remind me that the summer will be over before I know it.  That I always feel more depressed in the winter.  That the winter will be quiet and lonely at home.  That I will miss this place I am at right now.  She reminds me that there will be more difficult decisions to be made, more hormonal roulette to be played.  And there very well could be more grief.  That D is in a dark hole, and it could get worse for him.

For now though, I am aiming to shut her down.  To try to be mindful of the moment I'm in, and grateful for what is good today.