Feeling pissy about some of my friends

Some of my friends and our family have come through on the empathy and support department.    Especially when they first heard the news of what had happened.  Kind words flowed in, and they lovingly expressed that they were "there to talk whenever".  At that time, I didn't feel like I could form a sentence through my tears.  I thanked them, and tried to leave the conversation open.

I hoped that maybe after some time had passed, that they would have reached out with a call, or sent a card.  Very least, sent a text to check in.

I am disappointed in those who haven't.

I feel like even saying this makes me ungrateful for the people have shown up for us.  I feel like a  hypocrite, because I knew in advance that not everyone would behave the way I hoped.   I thought that I would be able to wash the bad down with the overflowing good.

That isn't exactly how things have gone.

There are a few people that have not reached out and it's very hurtful to me.   I try to remind myself of how busy they are, about how they may not realize that this is such a big deal.   I try to remind myself about how we have so much more support in general this time, because we have shared our journey more widely.

Today, though, I'm feeling angry, and very, very sad.   It's like my grief has pointed a laser beam onto the unpleasant truth that some people in our lives have NOT shown up.

Today, despite knowing how ugly it sounds, I am saying "Fuck those people that are too busy with their beautiful little families to spend five seconds of their lives seeing how we are.  Don't they know how traumatic this is?"

I don't think they get the pain and grief that is associated with everything we have been through.  How could they, I guess?  I've never spelled it out.  I'm their only chronically infertile friend, so I don't think they are getting a sense of things from anyone else.

I wonder angrily, if they think that a person who aborts baby in the toilet for the third time after six years of bad fertility news, just easily slips back to feeling like herself?  Do they think it's not a huge, life changing ordeal to have gone through all of this bullshit?  Do they not realize that this has affected our lives in so many ways - socially, spiritually, economically, physically, mentally?  Do they know isolating this experience is, and how absolutely deafening their silence is? 

I know it's probably mostly my grief talking.  It's seeping out and trying to poison otherwise healthy, longterm friendships with these thoughts.  It's trying to encourage me to say things that I will regret, share feelings that I should have left bottled.

I don't want to be a person that habitually dumps on their friends.  And honestly,  I haven't been that person.  I've gotten this far without doing that.  They don't know that this loss feels different, the wound is deeper, everything about it stings more, because they haven't asked.

I think about a weekend gathering that we were planning at the end of May.  I was going to host 5 of these friends at our place.  These are people that I lived with for four years in university and have kept in touch with for 15 years.  I consider myself close with all but one of the women, and I think they would say the same.  One of them is my best friend.

At the gathering, I was planning on telling them that I was 15 weeks pregnant.

Instead, a few weeks ago, I told my best friend, and then another one of them about the miscarriage.  She asked if I wanted her to tell the others.  I said yes, please.

I wanted to share with them what had happened so I could have their support.  I wanted to share because I didn't want to tell them at our weekend together.  I want their help now, when I need it the most, and so we could focus on just enjoying our weekend together.

Aside from my best friend, I got two texts back.  Ouch.

And while I know my best friend cares deeply, I feel disappointed in her too.

I find myself imagining this supposed to be special weekend, now that there has been so much quiet surrounding all of this.

I'm torn between thinking that I shouldn't need to burden them with my problems, and on the other hand, feeling upset about their silence.

Part of me just wants to cancel the weekend.  Show them in a big way that I am not ok.

I think this is a situation where I need to decide if I a) want to give up and accept their lack of support; telling myself that I guess we aren't that close anymore or b) discuss the situation now by making contact with them or c) dampening the mood that weekend by spelling out just how devastating this has been to us or d) do what I've always done in the past and just suck it up, and pretend like everything's peachy.

What should I do?  I don't know how much is too much to expect from them.  I can't tell what is reasonable right now, which is why I won't be doing anything for a little while regardless.

I would like to think that if one of them was down and out, that we would rally around her - support her, find ways to be there.   I know I would want to do that for them.

All I want is to be asked, "how you doing?", or "what this has been like for you?" And for them to sit back and have a good long listen.

I guess that's exactly what I do in this place, and what you do for me.   Thank you so much.   I am grateful once again, for you beautiful gentle people.