First ultrasound, 7 weeks, 3 days

I had the ultrasound done at a hospital, where Dr. Highrisk is located.   I was worried about the technician not telling us right away what she saw.  However, when I was called back, we immediately had new problem.  They wouldn't let D come with me.  I practically begged for them to let him come with me, saying that we'd had 6 years of infertility hell and losses and I needed him there.  After asking the two different people that were helping me, both told me no, that it was "hospital policy".  I hate when people say "it's our policy".  When I was in the financial industry, I was trained that saying that to a client without further explanation equated giving someone the finger.  Surely this was a reason to make an exception? Unfortunately, they didn't think so.

So instead, I braced myself to be alone.

Right then, I'd wished I'd just went to our satellite clinic.  That would have never happened.

D said later that it felt like an eternity in the waiting room.  He said all he could think about was what he would say to me if there was no heartbeat.

When the nurse left me to get ready for the ultrasound, I decided I would try to help myself by slightly tilting her screen towards me, allowing me to see if I laid a little lower on the table.

As I was waiting, I thought to myself, "if there was ever a time for me to have a panic attack, this would be it".  My anxiety was through the roof.

The first thing she did when she came on was move the entire machine forward, so she could work, essentially making the screen completely out of my view.

I decided I would stare intently at her face.  I wanted to see if her expression would give anything away.   It didn't.  Then, she broke her silence and smiled and said that she saw the flicker of the heart, and then turned the screen towards me.  I'm not a public cryer, but tears started to flow down the sides of my cheeks.

Relief.

There was a heartbeat!!!

90 BPM and the baby and sac measured normally.  I can't remember what the measurements were because I was in shock, crying and trying not to break into a complete hysteria.

She asked me what Daddy's name was and she said she would go get him.  She said Daddy! My heart melted a little more and more tears came.

When she called for him in the waiting room, he said that he thought it was bad news and that I was a hysterical mess and they needed him to calm me down.

I knew he would think it was bad news, so the first thing I said to him was "It's ok.  There's a heartbeat." And then she showed him too.

At first I was worried about the fuzziness of the blob, but then I realized that the ultrasound machine they were using was not as advanced as I'm what I am used to.  The image was much less clear than our satellite clinic's, and way less clear than CCRM's.

After, we had a regroup with the doctor.  He was certainly not Mr. Personality.  I'm not sure what to make of him.  He didn't ask for a history, more than what the nurse took earlier.  He didn't have much to say, he just answered our questions.  When he answered us, he mostly just stared down at the papers in front of him.

When I asked him about weaning off my Lovenox and Aspirin, he didn't really have an opinion.  I was surprised.   He said there are no known risks to the baby and that it probably wouldn't hurt me to stay on it.  I feel that I am only taking it because of a) my sister's stroke and b) because I'm on tons of hormones.   Once I am weaned off the hormones, I may decide to stop taking it.   He says there's no weaning, that I can just stop it cold turkey if I want to.

He said he usually only sees people after four weeks when they are this early, but he kindly offered that if we wanted to come in more often, and it would help us be less anxious that he would see us in two weeks instead.  He said he would do the ultrasound himself.  We jumped on that opportunity.  Four weeks would seem like an eternity.

We're just letting this all sink in now.  This is new territory for us.  We've never been here before.  Never had a heartbeat.  We're feeling so very grateful and relieved.  This might really be it.