Time Out

I think writing out and celebrating wonderful memories helps me to extend the feelings of happiness.   I’m hoping that when infertility deals me another low-blow that I might be able to re-read this post in an effort to remember that things can and will get better.

In September, emotionally I was in very rough shape.   Anxiousness and depressive feelings were starting to settle in to my daily life, not just pass through as they have in the past.   They were lying on my chest like a heavy blanket.  Every.single.day.  The burden of infertility and life in general felt as heavy as it ever has.

I previously held a notion that it was just a matter of time before our dreams came true.  I thought we only needed to put in enough time and effort (and money, eek!), before having a baby through fertility treatments.  After 5 years, 7.5 fertility procedures, 2 surgeries, and 2 miscarriages, I felt like we paid our dues.  I felt like this was all a really mean joke.   I started to realize that this might not work out.  We might not become parents through fertility treatments.

Having these thoughts were time consuming.  I didn’t feel like doing much.  I realize now that not only did I stop doing optional things, like my hobbies, but also I was starting to not do every day life things like cleaning the house.   I went to my family doctor and mentioned it.  He gave me a survey and suggested that I had anxiety, and I should see a therapist.  So I did.  

The therapist was helpful and nice but not a windfall of insight, as I had desperately hoped.  She herself had experienced infertility and was very validating about the experience.   She made me realize that the past year + had mostly been spent either completing a fertility cycle with all of its medications, being pregnant, or recovering from a miscarriage.  She suggested a break from fertility.

A break sounded wonderful, however I really couldn’t get my head around the idea.  I felt like taking a break would be counter-productive towards our goals of having a family.   We didn’t have a plan, and needed one more than ever. 

I didn’t notice until now that a break was being handed to us, whether we wanted it or not.   We didn’t have any more embryos to transfer.  Only a plan for the next available appointment with Dr. Schoolcraft, with our fingers crossed that he might deliver a decisive opinion to us, one way or another.  

I spent the first few weeks in October gathering our medical records and organizing them for our CCRM consult.   Reviewing all 250 pages was emotionally exhausting and brought up a lot of old memories.   After it was completed, I was off the hook with all infertility stuff.  For one glorious month from mid-October to mid-November I was infertility-free.  No fertility drugs, no appointments, no lingering news or pregnancy tests waiting to be delivered to us. 

I can honestly say that I never expected this month to be as good as it was!  It was of the best months D and I have had in as long as I can remember.  Maybe even ever!

We actually planned things to do that we didn’t have to cancel because of our fertility calendar!  It helped that some events just fell into our lap.  But we planned some special things ourselves to enjoy.  Some of the things we did this month were:

• We had company stay over three different weekends!  My university friends, my Dad and his girlfriend, and a person who has become a friend who donated embryos to us two years ago (a story for another time!).
• We went to Chicago for the weekend to celebrate a friend’s birthday and our 8^th anniversary. We had a relaxing time.  It was our first time traveling with this couple and it was fun!  They enjoy a good meal out and she shares a love for photography, what could be better?  
•  We had our consult with CCRM earlier than expected as a result of being on the on-call waiting list.  It was everything we were hoping for. It was positive and gave us something to be hopeful about.
•  I went on a shopping trip with some friends from my university years that I don’t usually get to see without their children. 
•  I had a nice long adult-only lunch with two friends mid-week.  Did I mention it was without their kids? I love their kids, but yeah!!
•  I celebrated my maternal Grandparents for their 55^th wedding anniversary with them.  So grateful to have them in my life, especially after losing my paternal Grandfather this year, and because of my Grandmother’s  recent cancer scare.
•  I spent time with my wonderful siblings and some friends at a Food & Wine Show and had a great time.
•  We put an offer in on a piece of real estate that represented us attempting to reach our dreams. It didn’t work out, but I’m still grateful.
•  I learned how to make a new recipe that is already a new favourite and found a wonderful new wine that I love.
•  I spent some nice time caring for a few special little humans.  I enjoyed it, and purposely didn’t think about being a mother while caring for them.  I just tried to enjoy their company.
•  No bad news fertility or otherwise crossed our path. 

The social time and fun was good for me and D.  I don’t usually drink, but had several on more than one occasion.  I had forgotten what it feels like to loosen up like that.  Overall we had a lot of wonderful experiences and made great memories.  For this month, our IF journey was only a small thought in the back of our minds.  What a nice feeling.  Note to self: the time out worked.