Meeting with Carla

We visited Carla this weekend.  As her mascara streamed down her face I couldn't help but feel a big stab in my heart.  She's sacrificed so much for him and for us.  I wish I could ease her burden in some significant way.  

The only way I know how to help is to share her load is to listen to her feelings and validate them. And to share Babykins. Skype, emails, texts, pictures videos and visits. I genuinely tell her that I love her. That she is family to us now.  I tell her how amazing she is and how much she has changed our lives. 

I do everything I can think of, but it doesn't even scratch the surface on how full my heart is for her and this precious, amazing little boy. 

I want to do something special for her especially this Mother's Day. I hope that we may be able to share the day together because honestly there is no one that I would rather bring in my first Mother's day with than her.  And I want Babykins to be with both of us on that day. 

I am going to write her a letter and I am thinking of getting a piece of jewelery made for her.  

There are so many things that I admire about her.  She is so genuine. So funny. So open. So friendly. So nonjudgmental. So loving. So brave and honest.  

I'm wondering if you have any ideas on something special I could do for her?  I'm not supposed to give her anything with significant value because of the adoption process rules. I'd love to hear your suggestions. 

Birth Dad wasn't able to be there.  He bailed at the last moment.  I don't think he's coping well with all of this.  He's an avoider and to complicate things, they are no longer a couple.  My hope for him is that he can find some peace in all of this.  

MIL issues and the best medicine

I hate confrontation.  

However, my MIL finally pushed my last button.  I even broke the rule that D and I have where he deals with his family and I deal with mine for more difficult issues. 

MIL been insisting on feeding Babykins junk food.   EVERY time I see her, she makes a comment about what sweet treat she's going to give him.   He's not even 6 months old yet.  

We made a choice and set a boundary.  Hubby and I don't want to give our baby junk food, especially in his first year.  And while I don't really want him to have it in his second year either, I'm sure he'll get a taste here or there of certain things. We are not going to be that strict. 

I've been ignoring her comments and D had told her (albeit very mildly and passively) that we aren't feeding him that stuff.  

Yesterday, she once again brought up the topic. She told me about how she is going to feed Babykins cookies (and not baby cookies) when she is babysitting him in May while my brother gets married. 

I couldn't take it anymore. I finally asserted myself and told her that it really bothers me she keeps saying stuff like that.  I told her that we don't want him eating anything unhealthy before he is a year old.   

Side note: I may very well choose to give him a taste of something one day- but I see this as a major respect issue and I want to be clear with her. 

She proceeded to tell me that her friend's kids aren't allowed soda, but she gives it to them when they are at her house anyways.  Who says AND DOES crap like that!?!?

She's told me things like this before about what kids eat at her house.  

I told her that if she does this, that maybe she wouldn't get asked to babysit again.  

She said you'll never know.  

I said maybe we'll need to get some cameras then. 

Then, there was awkward silence between us.  A lot of it. 

D and Father-in-law were in the room measuring for some baby gates that they are going to build.  They continued what they were doing and then they left. 

It's such a first world, problem, and one that any childless-not-by-choice person would love to have, I know.  But it still has me a bit riled up.  I keep trying to remind myself that I this is HER problem and she should be the one that feels icky right now, not me. 

I should be proud of myself for setting boundaries, and being assertive. For some reason,  it doesn't entirely feel that way though.  Like I said, I hate confrontation. 

But gah! She has a lot of nerve, doesn't she!?!

It will be interesting to see how our next visit goes, which happens to be tomorrow. 

The rest of the day was still a great one though. I went to my exercise class with Babykins and enjoyed the company of the people there. 

When I came home I found seven (!) humongous wild turkeys at the end of my driveway! I live in town and it's not something I've ever seen that close before. My neighbour even came out in his bathrobe and was feeding them within close range. It was quite the sight! 

Then we ate lunch and I put Babykins in his exerciser. And my oh my, he had such abundant belly laughs that is allowed me to get my camera out. I filmed a video of three solid minutes of him just laughing his head off, literally - he was throwing his head back every time he giggled- when I popped up from below where he could see me. 

It melted my heart and I have watch that video I thousand times over and over. I would share it here, but I'm in a place where I'm not sure about how much I want to visually show about our lives at this point so I'm going to hold off. 

I tell you though, it is honestly the best medicine that I could've asked for to get over the stuff that was happening with my MIL. 

A glimpse into a really great day

A glimpse into a really great day today

D works from home out of our basement.

His work schedule is kind of wonky, which is part of the reason why he started working from home a few years ago.  He can work anywhere from 4am to 8pm.

A typical day for him is to get up at 4am, do what he needs to get done, go back to bed soon after (and now care for Babykins during that time if he's awake), and then officially start his work day around 7:30am.  From 10:30am-3:00pm, he usually has some free time, and then he returns to work until sometimes 8:00pm.

Okay, first a disclaimer - yes, many days we can really get under each other's skin, especially in the winter months and when I have PMS.  But more often than not, it is just really nice to have him around, especially with a new baby in the house.

He's a very hands on Dad, and I love that.  I love watching him make Babykins giggle, talks with him, changes his bum or taking care of him in some other way.

Oh, and I also love that Babykins happens to be a fairly regular little guy and poops every day on Daddy's 5-7am shift! ....hehe.  Often in the morning, he'll hand me the baby and say "he's pooped and been fed".  It's music to my tired morning ears.  D will drop Babykins into bed with me, and calls it my "baby alarm clock".  He props Babykins up with a pillow, usually perpendicular to me.  Babykins gets excited to see me and usually starts waving his arms and kicking me in the ribs.  Many mornings, just as I realize that I'm too awake to go back to sleep, Babykins will drift off for his mid-morning nap.

Today, during his time off, I was supposed to go get groceries.  Our fridge is right now seems to only have odds and ends that do not go together.

I showered around 1pm after lunch and Mommy and Baby boot camp class (oh how I love this class btw - more on that in a minute) and got ready to go out.

D was laying in the bed with the baby.  He had been tired all morning and I was encouraging him to take a nap.  He told me he was going to let the baby sleep while he caught up on the House of Cards episode last night that he slept through (who's watching the newest season right now? I am obsessed with this series!) When I got out of the shower, I laid in bed for what I thought was going to be a few minutes in my damp terrycloth housecoat.  Instead, we all slumbered together for a couple of hours.  It was glorious.  I loved today.

Mommy Bootcamp

Back to Mommy bootcamp though! It's a good workout.  I like that Babykins gets to hang out with some other babies and I think he's entertained by watching me look silly and sweaty.

My favourite part though is that I have met some lovely women in this group.  It's a part of motherhood that I was really looking forward to, and that I really felt like I was missing out on for a lot of years.  I felt like many of my older friends had made so many new great friendships with other mommies while I went to my fertility treatments.   I'm glad that I've found an activity that I like where the ladies are great and good for me to boot.

Now, I'm (happily) in this place where I'm trying to figure out how to be friends with some of  the ladies outside of this class.  I find developing new friendships as an adult to be strange and so much harder than cultivating a work or school related friendship.   I find the hitting it off part always goes well, but then I feel weird asking to do something else with them.  It's kind of like asking someone out on a date I guess.    Lots of times, I wait for the other person to ask first.  It's kind of lazy and insecure of me, and leads me to not always hanging out with the person I was hoping too, but instead sometimes the person that just happened to ask me first.

I've even gone so far as to check out the other mommies on Facebook to see what I can learn about them there.  It's interesting what I can see without being friended, and has definitely steered me away from a few of them.

5 month update

He'll be 5 months soon.

I blinked and the time went by.  With each month, the fog lifts, and my heart swells more and more with pride and admiration for this beautiful little soul and the woman who brought him into this world and our lives.

I've heard it called the "longest, shortest time" and I think the name captures my experience with parenting (so far) perfectly.

He's about 17 lbs now, and is just about to out grow his 9 month sleepers.  I swear the labels they put on clothing are just to confuse everyone, because he's at about the 50th percentile for weight and height.

I'm enjoying every month more and more.  The sleep deprivation is lifting and I love seeing his personality emerge.   He is happy, and relaxed, and just a really nice boy to be around.  People are always commenting about how happy and cute he is, and I feel so lucky.

The time passing makes me feel sad about saying goodbye to some things, like how he used to only like to sleep by snuggling into my neck.  And oh my gosh - every time I put something in the box of outgrown clothes (again!) it makes me a little teary.

I find it hard to resist the temptation to capture everything with my camera because I just want to be able to relive all of these moments.  Often when he's sleeping I'll watch the videos that I took over and over.  He's intoxicating, and sometimes I just can't get enough of him.

I try not to focus on it for long, but instead think about how cute he will look in the new outfit that I can now put on him, or how exciting it is to watch him learn new skills all of the time.

He has started to roll over, and has done it about five times in the last week or so.  He can really hold his head up high now when he is on his belly.  He will sometimes push his bum into the air and it makes me think that in a few weeks he'll be on the move.  I love my stationary little guy and it freaks me out a bit to think that he could be on the move already.

He loves to shriek and scream and hear his own voice.  He is interested in what we have to say to him, and he tries to talk to us.  I tell him I love him a million times a day.

I love how easy he is to make smile now.  I used to work for a long time to be rewarded with one smile.  And oh, it was so worth the effort then, but now he gives his smiles out so much more generously and I love it.  I can't get enough of that gummy little grin and slobbery face.

He's getting into more of a routine now.  I can see that he is headed towards one bigger nap in the morning and one in the afternoon, which is so much nicer than the million little cat naps that he was taking before.  It's certainly not because I've done this, he's worked it out himself.

I thought I would be a more scheduled parent, but it turns out that (at this point) I like to go with the flow and take Babykins' lead on when he needs a nap or to be fed.  I find it exhausting to try to make him do something (like nap) when he's not quite ready.  It is so much more peaceful to just follow his lead. He seems to know what he's doing, certainly a lot better than his newbie parents.  I also find at schedule would be difficult because he is always changing (having a growth spurt or getting over an illness), and that a more scheduled approach just would not serve us well.

I love also that he is good at playing independently.  He's content to spend time chewing on his hands and likes to now stick a handful of his fingers in his mouth all at once.  He'll gag himself and then look at me like "what happened?!?" or "who did that?"

He's still got reflux.  We just invested in 20 more new bibs and it has made life better.  I'm not sure what took us so long to do that.  Some days it feels like he doesn't spit up much, and other days, he just gushes.  If anything, it's improving slightly, but it's hard to say.  We are certainly getting better at coping with it.  

Off to watch some House of Cards... I can't get enough of that either!

A post I love From The Unexpected Trip

The thing I love about this community, is that sometimes another blogger can take feelings and put them into words better than you ever could yourself.

For me, this post from The Unexpected Trip captured what I've been feeling in huge waves since Babykins was born, but that I could never describe in any coherent way.

I am in love with these words.  

What's on my mind

What's on my mind these days ... rapid fire style:

• Babykins is sick again.  It's another cold -his fourth!  Eek.  The poor lil' guy. This one's not severe like the others have been, thankfully.  However, we are so over this winter time cold business!   This sickness came with a rash.  After googling it, my anxiety prone self had my rational self convinced it was measles for about an hour last night.  The rash looks a lot like google images of early measles (or roseola).  There's a measles outbreak relatively close to us and everyone is freaking out, especially those with young babies who can't be vaccinated yet.   I've now calmed down because it's getting better.  My rational self has taken control again and now believes the rash is because of a detergent sensitivity or because his neck is almost always wet or damp.  Despite our best efforts, we can't keep up with the drooling, spitting up or washing bibs for that matter.  
• I still think about my friends in the trenches a lot.   Almost every time I see a baby on board sign, a stroller, a pregnant belly, or a post of Face.book, I think of what you've been through and what we've been through.  I think of you as I write this post, and hope my comments about colds and laundry aren't viewed as complaining or ungratefulness. 
• I've been tracking my mood using the Optimism app.  It's been good for me to do this.  It's kind of like how when you diet and write things down, that you naturally eat a little better.   My findings after a little over 1 month of tracking:  
• Some of my moods are related to marital stress - two people being around each other too much I think (he works from home).  On the days where I'm out, or he is, I feel noticeably better.  For how much time we spend together I think we get along well, it's just hard (for me anyways) not to get annoyed about little things when you never get a break from them. 
• I realized that I had some lingering things bothering me in my marriage that I had not discussed with husband.  They seem silly now (cleaning, home renovations and maintenance and money) but they were surprisingly things that I thought about everyday, but didn't discuss with hubby because I thought I knew what his response was going to be about them.  Turns out, we talked about it and it went way better than expected.  It's nice to not be thinking about that in the same way every day anymore.  
• My moods are PMS related.   Big time.  I credit my messed up, pre-menopausal hormones for this.  I started googling PMDD.  I don't think  I have that, but I do think I have a lot of PMS mood symptoms.   
• I was drinking more water and taking my vitamins, but I honestly can't tell if that does anything because I am not that observant and when I get PMS-y I tend to not do those things as well.  When I have PMS I eat sugar and carbs and take less care of myself.
• It has been a worth while experiment I think I will continue for a little while yet.  I may go to my doctor to discuss the PMS. 
• I've been cooking and baking up a storm.  Mostly comfort food which is not helping my waist line given the fact that we have been a lot less active this winter because of the weather and Babykins illnesses.  I've been on a Ina Garten kick.  I am really loving her recipes.  The only problem I find with them is that they are generally too salty for my liking.   Today, I made this soup, and it is  so yummy and totally worth the effort.  http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/pappa-al-pomidoro-recipe.html  . It made the house smell ah-mazing! 
• Babykins is awake now.  I've been ignoring him for the last three bullet points because he seems happy in his crib... but he's letting me know that my time is up now.  
• Just kidding.  No noises anymore.  I will type like a mad woman.  
• I've been thinking about the future of our fertility family.   This probably deserves it's own post, but the gist of it is this:
• Background info: I am one of five siblings, D is an only child.  We both liked and probably each prefer the amount of siblings we had growing up. 
• I feel very happy with Babykins and our tiny family with lots of love.   I see a lot of perks to having a small family. 
• The 0-3 months stage was really hard and put a lot of stress on our relationship.  
• Infertility treatments put a lot of stress on our relationship and our finances.  
• I believe that the emotional stress of more fertility treatments (or an adoption) would be lessened because we have Babykins now and the pressure of thinking we would be childless forever is off.  Mentally, I've moved out of that place of "I have tried my hardest, maybe it's never going to happen" and into "I won the lottery" (As Michela 's family would say, not just the lottery, but the Mega Millions :).  I know this would make a huge difference in proceeding with other treatments/adoption, but I would be silly to think that either one would be a cake walk.  
• I am ready to just enjoy life and get off the fertility hamster wheel.  
• I love Babykins so much and can't imagine loving another child this much.  I wonder if there is more room in my heart.   I've heard this is a common thing to feel...  It's weird to think this way, because old me always hoped to have more than one child.  It feels strange to think about "one and done".  If I didn't, or couldn't have any more children, I think I could be content with our family of three.  
• I am realizing how much I really like and need my "me" time.  More kids would cut into that.   
• I am tired of torturing my body with hormones and drugs.  I feel anxious thinking about what I have injected or swallowed trying to get pregnant for seven years.  It was a lot.  Maximum doses of everything.  Ew.  
• I get grumpy when I have to avoid things that I like - namely alcohol and coffee! Funny thing is that I don't drink much of either one of these things, but when I can't have them - man oh man, do I crave them like crazy!  
• I'm scared of being pregnant again and losing another baby. 
• Right now I feel like a surrogate would be amazing but all of the people who offered to me in the past may feel differently now as they are all several years older.  
• I would love to have a daughter.   Another boy would be great too. 
• I would love for Babykins to have a brother or a sister. 
• Hubby is content right now.  
• We both feel a sense of obligation to our four precious embryos to give them a chance at life, by using them ourselves or donating them.  
• I feel my clock still ticking louder than ever in my ear.   Hubby doesn't see the rush because we used donor eggs.  I feel like we need to hurry up and use the embryos if we are going to, because I am 35 right now.  If I started fertility treatments today (including preliminary work ups, I would be 37 shortly after I gave birth if it worked on the first try (don't laugh at me universe because I'm laughing at myself for even thinking about that sentence).  
• Planning any fertility treatments has implications for trying to adopt again. 
• Wow, Babykins must have known that I needed to get that all of my chest, because guess what?  Phew.  He is still sleeping.  Time to read some blogs too, how nice :) 

My whole heart

This precious little boy had my whole heart on the day he entered this world.   

Yet, somehow every.single.day, my heart swells more and more.   It feels like an elephant is living in my chest. 

Every.single.day, I can't believe that I won the lottery and got to be his Mama.  

He's almost four months old, and I can't believe that either.