Five years is what I'm thinking about today. Five years of dealing with IF has changed me, my friendships and my marriage.
Some good things have happened in my marriage because of IF. There's no doubt. D and I have grown stronger, learned a lot more about each other and what it means to support each other through something really hard. We have dealt with the repeated loss and grief associated with infertility and we're still standing...together. It has been difficult, and there have been fights and silence too. But I think we are much stronger together because of IF.
It's sad to me that many mornings, D asks me how I'm feeling right away. He can see my mood before I've even had a chance to really notice it. He knows that some days I wake up in a cloak of sadness or anxiety. Nothing may have changed from the day before, but somedays this burden feels heavier. I'm sad that D has to see me like this and sad that I have to feel like this.
In my friendships, I've learned to be more comfortable around someone else's grief. I've learned to not judge another's choices when they are grieving or in difficult situations. Because, honestly you don't know how you'll react until you get there. It has also made me more guarded in my friendships. I no longer am as easy going about what I do and when I do it. I'm cautious now, thinking about things like what fertility related news I may have just received, and whether I'll want to go to that gathering with a million kids. I like to plan my "baby hangovers", (the fall out I feel after spending time with beautiful families) carefully.
Five years in, I not only think of the changes in my relationships. I think about how IF has affected me. I used to think that "everything happens for a reason", now I simply don't. I think things are random and unexplainable. I don't think God controls everything, and this is scary and relieving all at the same time. IF has robbed me of feeling hope the way I used to. It's robbed me of feeling like you just have to work hard enough to get what you want.
That's also something I've learned. I too, don't judge as fast as I used to, I have more compassion and patience for the suffering. I used to be very strong and couldn't understand when people just crumble and don't just snap out of it and move on as quickly as I thought they should. I realized later that I had nothing really serious happen to me, nothing had brought me to my knees before to know how it really feels to have no strength to do anything. IF has robbed me of a lot but has also made me a better person, I think. I just hope I don't become bitter...
ReplyDelete