I'm as low as I've felt in a long time. I don't know what to do about it. I think about talking to my family doctor again about it but I don't want to take any pills, if I'm going to be possibly attempting an egg donor pregnancy soon. And, from my knowledge most drugs take 6 weeks to kick in anyways.
D is depressed too.
We're having a hard time picking each other up now that we are both down.
I need to talk about all of the heaviness going on in our lives but there seems to be no one. I reached out to one of my sisters asking for more support, and I got a nice "I'm sorry I haven't been better but you know me" type of response. She genuinely sounded sorry, but two days later, I haven't got a call.
My Mother has the emotional capacity of a pea. She doesn't get it. Mom has no clue we've been thinking of adopting. So I bring it up, "Hey so I'm working on an adoption profile" and she barely asks a follow up question.
My Dad asks a few questions here and there, but I can hardly call what he offers as emotional support.
On a weekend away with my girl friends some ask small questions but I feel like I'm putting a damper on one of their few weekends away without their children so I hold back. One friend asks for a little more detail in private and I really appreciate it. Every time I'm away from the group all I think about is my infertility and I'm fighting tears that are waiting for an speck of permission to break loose.
My best friend is turned inward right now. I had concert tickets to a major pop artist and asked her to go. She said sorry she couldn't. It was a week night and I understood. Then, the night of the concert she asked me if I wanted to try out a yoga class with her. Ummmm, no. Don't you remember that you turned down my free concert tickets and tonight is the concert? She did the most kid-centric talking at the friends get away. She has no idea how much it hurts me. I ask her what she would like to do for her birthday? She thinks maybe we should go for that pedicure that we never got to (since last year around her birthday, because she's busy with work and kids), but then asks me instead if I would consider helping her organize her photos and make a photo-book. I say yes, because it's her birthday and it's what she wants to do. When I add it to the calendar, D says he has a feeling of dread after. Looking at all of those pictures of her children might not be the healthiest thing to do.
The list of my friends and family who have let me down goes on and on. It's embarrassing to admit in more ways than one. I'm embarrassed that I don't have a "truer" group of friends. I feel like I'm in the moment in a crisis where people say you find out who your real friends and I'm finding out I don't have (m)any.
And why should I? To my friends, I haven't offered them support as they balance full time work being a mother. I'm sure there are lots of kid related issues that I don't give an A+ effort to support them in. In those moments I am only thinking about stifling my jealousy.
I'm getting so jaded. I'm so lonely. This experience is so isolating. I'm now resentful of all of the people who have not offered us any support through this fight. It's probably because we've bit our lips and put on a strong front for so many years.
The trouble now is that I don't have any more left in me. I'm feeling so broken, so beaten down by all of this. I don't want to resent every friend or family member that I have, but I really feel let down.
I thought this would all be over by now. 5+ years in haven't I paid all of my dues? Checked all of the right boxes? Saw the right doctors and had the right procedures? Spent enough f*cking money and time?
I'm so done with all of this.
For a split second I sometimes entertain the idea of giving it all up. Stopping the egg donation process. Stopping the adoption process. However, the misery I see waiting for me on the other side of that (i.e.. deciding to live child-free) seems like a worse living hell for me.
I guess I've stumbled upon another negative side effect of infertility. The one where you really start feeling sad and mad about all of your once cherished friends and family. The one where you and your hubby are so broken that you are just existing. The part of infertility where even a trip somewhere or a special concert doesn't help you forget for moment. The part where you go to sleep thinking about infertility, you think about it hundreds of times throughout the day (even when you are telling yourself to stop), then you fall asleep thinking of it. The next day, rinse and repeat.
Gosh, I'm so sorry you're in this place. :( Depression is so tough. I didn't want to go back on antidepressants because of trying to get pregnant. My RE advised me to seek some care, though. It's important to take care of yourself, too. You can wean off them when you get pregnant. They don't take six weeks to kick in. With the depression, they can start to make a difference within the first two weeks, I'd say.
ReplyDeleteThank you, I didn't know that and it does ease some of my anxiety about antidepressants. I can't help but feel like this is situational depression and if I could just get and stay pregnant everything would all be ok. Having said that, if I went on antidepressants years ago, I probably would be coping with everything much better right now.
DeleteThinking about and praying for you. Depression is so hard, especially when both people in the relationship are suffering.
ReplyDeleteIf it helps, my previous work in pharmacy revealed that Pro.Zac is the safest anti-depressant for pregnancy.
That is helpful, and if I talk to my doctor, I will definitely ask about Prozac.
DeleteI think the other thing holding me back was that on my adoption paperwork it asked if we were taking antidepressants. I feel like it's a strike against us.
Even though I know, that social workers are supposed to perhaps see it as a good thing that you have got counselling and help for a problem you are experiencing.
DeleteI'm sorry that you're struggling so much and that your support system is not very supportive. I think that IF can be very isolating and as time wears on and the bad news piles up, people can't relate. They want you to move on so they won't feel uncomfortable. Hopefully it will get better--hopefully the DE cycle will work and all this sorrow will turn to joy. In the meantime, maybe counseling? Does your job have a free hotline you can call? Just even to have someone to talk to, to ease the burden of keeping everything to yourself.
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking of counselling. I don't have coverage. I went to see someone twice last year after the miscarriages. I have a hard time even being "real" with my counsellor. I've been thinking of going back, but D didn't think it helped me much. I've reached out to a peer support group. Maybe that might be a better fit.
DeleteI wish I could come through the computer and give you a hug and tell you that you DO have friends and that we DO care about you, even if we're all just online and we've never met in real life. It is so awful to read that you're going through this and don't really feel like you have anyone to turn to. Is there a Resolve support group in your area? We don't have them in Canada but I've heard really good things. You need support and someone to talk to so you can vent everything. I wish there was something I could do to help.
ReplyDeleteI need a hug. Thank you. I've reached out to a support group again. (I tried once but the group wasn't really functioning). You've been through a lot too. Hugs back at 'cha.
DeleteI am so sorry you are in this place right now. I discovered the same thing about my friends during this whole process. I got so little support from the friends that I told, I ended up just not telling people. It makes people uncomfortable so they ignore the problem and we are left feeling alone.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are able to find some support somewhere. Your blog friends are, of course, always here for you. Sending a big virtual hug.