I'm as low as I've felt in a long time. I don't know what to do about it. I think about talking to my family doctor again about it but I don't want to take any pills, if I'm going to be possibly attempting an egg donor pregnancy soon. And, from my knowledge most drugs take 6 weeks to kick in anyways.
D is depressed too.
We're having a hard time picking each other up now that we are both down.
I need to talk about all of the heaviness going on in our lives but there seems to be no one. I reached out to one of my sisters asking for more support, and I got a nice "I'm sorry I haven't been better but you know me" type of response. She genuinely sounded sorry, but two days later, I haven't got a call.
My Mother has the emotional capacity of a pea. She doesn't get it. Mom has no clue we've been thinking of adopting. So I bring it up, "Hey so I'm working on an adoption profile" and she barely asks a follow up question.
My Dad asks a few questions here and there, but I can hardly call what he offers as emotional support.
On a weekend away with my girl friends some ask small questions but I feel like I'm putting a damper on one of their few weekends away without their children so I hold back. One friend asks for a little more detail in private and I really appreciate it. Every time I'm away from the group all I think about is my infertility and I'm fighting tears that are waiting for an speck of permission to break loose.
My best friend is turned inward right now. I had concert tickets to a major pop artist and asked her to go. She said sorry she couldn't. It was a week night and I understood. Then, the night of the concert she asked me if I wanted to try out a yoga class with her. Ummmm, no. Don't you remember that you turned down my free concert tickets and tonight is the concert? She did the most kid-centric talking at the friends get away. She has no idea how much it hurts me. I ask her what she would like to do for her birthday? She thinks maybe we should go for that pedicure that we never got to (since last year around her birthday, because she's busy with work and kids), but then asks me instead if I would consider helping her organize her photos and make a photo-book. I say yes, because it's her birthday and it's what she wants to do. When I add it to the calendar, D says he has a feeling of dread after. Looking at all of those pictures of her children might not be the healthiest thing to do.
The list of my friends and family who have let me down goes on and on. It's embarrassing to admit in more ways than one. I'm embarrassed that I don't have a "truer" group of friends. I feel like I'm in the moment in a crisis where people say you find out who your real friends and I'm finding out I don't have (m)any.
And why should I? To my friends, I haven't offered them support as they balance full time work being a mother. I'm sure there are lots of kid related issues that I don't give an A+ effort to support them in. In those moments I am only thinking about stifling my jealousy.
I'm getting so jaded. I'm so lonely. This experience is so isolating. I'm now resentful of all of the people who have not offered us any support through this fight. It's probably because we've bit our lips and put on a strong front for so many years.
The trouble now is that I don't have any more left in me. I'm feeling so broken, so beaten down by all of this. I don't want to resent every friend or family member that I have, but I really feel let down.
I thought this would all be over by now. 5+ years in haven't I paid all of my dues? Checked all of the right boxes? Saw the right doctors and had the right procedures? Spent enough f*cking money and time?
I'm so done with all of this.
For a split second I sometimes entertain the idea of giving it all up. Stopping the egg donation process. Stopping the adoption process. However, the misery I see waiting for me on the other side of that (i.e.. deciding to live child-free) seems like a worse living hell for me.
I guess I've stumbled upon another negative side effect of infertility. The one where you really start feeling sad and mad about all of your once cherished friends and family. The one where you and your hubby are so broken that you are just existing. The part of infertility where even a trip somewhere or a special concert doesn't help you forget for moment. The part where you go to sleep thinking about infertility, you think about it hundreds of times throughout the day (even when you are telling yourself to stop), then you fall asleep thinking of it. The next day, rinse and repeat.