Tuesday, 6 May 2014

CCS, adoption and grieving

I had a nice visit with my Dad.  He was planning on staying two nights but stayed for four! He had a good time.  We spent our days in my Father-in-law's workshop building a table.   Father-in-law gets lots of drop-in company from his retired and semi-retired friends.  My Dad is extremely social, and I know he loved every minute of meeting the new faces, working in his nice shop, and drinking a few beers!

I really have to work on building my stamina back up though, because I was tired!  So much so, that we had a really lazy weekend.  Lazy, as in, we laid in bed or on the couch, didn't cook a single meal or do any dishes, or any of the other jobs we should have done.  We just vegged playing candy crush and watched TV.  It would have been the perfect weekend if I could have tuned out my guilt (for being lazy) a little more.

This week, we celebrated D's granny's 90th birthday.  I love her so much, she's so cute.  We went to her favourite restaurant last night to celebrate, to a tiny and very modest diner.  We then went back to D's parents for loads of sweets.  Granny is diabetic and looooves her sweets.  His parents take good care of her, but let her indulge often.  They say when you are 90 and it brings you happiness, who cares!  Let her enjoy! I feel the same.

This week we are packing up to go to our cottage.  We'll be there for as long as we can, until fertility treatment calls us back home.  We're hoping for a month and a half.  It's my healing place and I'm looking forward to being there again.  It is close to where most of my family lives.  We haven't been since Christmas, so it will be good to see if the place is still standing!   D can work from there.  It's been something really positive in our lives amidst some of the turmoil of the last year.   We're lucky to have it.

We've finished our paperwork done for the CCS and will be meeting with our adoption social worker one last time for some minor things today.  Our friends has the same worker and is registered at the same adoption agency.  They got a call this week to say they are being considered for a child due in June.  I really, really hope that this is it for them.  They will make great parents.

It was a bit of an eye opener for us.  We had pulled our home study from the adoption agency after we had found out we were pregnant.  This was at their request, and our social workers too.

If we had not pulled our profile, I think we would have been considered for this baby too.  This gives me some hope that maybe adoption could work out for us.   For some reason, in the past I have had a very negative view... like I can't imagine that adoption would work out for us.  It's like I'm scared to get burned.  I feel like adoption could be similar to facing another battle like the one we've had with infertility.  Maybe that isn't the case?

Our friends could have a healthy baby THIS JUNE.

If I knew a baby was there waiting for us, and there wasn't going to be extreme heartache with the whole process,  I think I could drop fertility treatments like a hot potato.

That's a relatively new feeling for me.  I'm sitting with it, and I'm liking it.

On the grieving front, overall, I've been feeling much better.

Don't get me wrong, there have been teary moments.  Yesterday was difficult.  I had to sit in my OBGYN's office surrounded by pregnant bellies, and babies.  I brought my own magazine and hoped that I would be called quickly, but that didn't happen.  I hoped that I would not hear the lullaby that plays over the P.A. system every time a baby was born, but I did.  I survived it though, with only some watery eyes.  Also good, was that the heavy feeling didn't linger over me all day like it usually does.

Contact from my friends, time with my Dad and the spring weather has been helping.  Even the thought of being treatment free for the next month and a half is exciting to me right now.  Wine or coffee on the patio in the sun, here I come.

I'm looking forward to brighter days.


PS)  The doctor says my HCG is 957.  That it has been dropping 40% every two days (I didn't know this was a measure of a successful miscarriage).  Because I am still having some bleeding and of my history of having an incomplete miscarriage, he wants me to take the Misoprostal this week and have my HCG checked again.   I'm going to take the pills starting tonight.  He told me he thinks it shouldn't hurt as much because there is not much left inside of me to pass.  I'm going to take the Tylenol 3's just in case.   Hopefully, this will bring a close to all of this.


  1. So happy to hear that your dad is visiting. That has to be a great feeling and help you through things. It is almost over. I know the emotions are always there, but the physical loss will be over.

  2. I feel the same way as you about adoption. If I could be promised it would work without the heartache and horrible waiting, I'd do it in an instant. I'm glad you seem to be finding peace with many things in your life right now. Enjoy your wine and coffee...the cottage sounds lovely!

    1. I could bring all of you lovely ladies for wine and coffees on the patio it would be perfect.

  3. Sounds like a great visit with your dad and exactly what you needed. Following that up with a visit to your cottage sounds heavenly. Just what the soul needs. Sending you so much love as you navigate through decisions and waiting. I know that your happy is coming. xoxo

  4. I take a lazy day like once a year and I ALWAYS feel guilty! Why is that?

    Two years ago when I completed my home study a friend of mine (who has adopted two children) told me to let TTC go. He said that not everyone who tries to have a baby has one but those who want to adopt and those who persevere WILL adopt. It is a matter of time.

    I didn't trust the waiting game of adoption and continued to try to get pregnant.

    Now as my daughter sleeps quietly in her crib, I wish I could have let go. I would have saved myself not only a ton of money but a ton of emotional pain that TTC brings.

    It is so hard to let TTC go! For my adoption it took 2 years for me to be placed. After 5 years of TTC I still haven't had success, just miscarriages, heartache and a ton of bills! And the funny thing is...I still think about TTC!

    1. Michaela, your story gives me so much hope. Sending love to you and your beautiful girl.

  5. Lullaby! Wow. That is so freaking hard. I hate how lullabys sound eerie after a loss. You poor woman, sitting through that. But strong, as ever.

    I grin at the thought of you dropping fertility treatments like a hot tater and being a mama in perhaps a few months.

    I also hold out hope for another round of DE.

    Either way, you are getting there, slowly but surely...


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