The winter and spring were dark times. I didn't realize it at the time, but there was a quiet undertone in my thoughts, where I blamed myself for what I was feeling.
Note to self: You can't control how you feel. It is ok to grieve, even if it takes a long time. There were compound factors to my situation.
There was a recipe to my grief:
His grief is expressed a lot different than my grief, and it is harder for me to recognize. His grief is angrier. It is moody. It is grumpy. It is more frustrated. It is lonely. It is less sexual. It often seems more mad than sad. It worries, a lot. All of those symptoms are hidden in other places and situations, and not necessarily discussed within the context of infertility and loss.
At times, even when I do recognize his grief, I've been selfishly shielding myself. I am embarrassed and ashamed to admit this. However, I have been treading water for so long myself, I was exhausted. I finally felt like I could see the shore. Getting back in the water with him is difficult. I feel like I barely escaped it the last time.
I wish I could waive my magic wand and make things all better for him. It's so hard to see him suffer.