Thursday, 20 February 2014

Randomness: cycle update, a friendship story, and not-so-sexy time

Yesterday's results:

Lining - 9.6mm (they wanted over 7.5mm).
Estrogen - 767 (they wanted over 300).
Progesterone - 0.2 (they wanted low so this is good).

I am so happy about these numbers! I'm breathing a sigh of relief.   Sort of.

In my very next breath I also realize I'm feeling more anxiety starting to creep in.  What if this all doesn't work out?  I'm trying not to let my mind go there.  Yet - I know it will be hard to stop it, especially during my 2WW.


A couple of days ago, I had a conversation with my best friend that left me feeling a little flat.  On one hand, I feel like it was nothing.  On the other hand, I'm feeling slightly annoyed and misunderstood, and surprised that I'm feeling this way.

The conversation we had was about our home study.

At the last minute, our social worker (SW) was debating if she needed to add something to our report that I feel is unnecessary.  It would require at least two days of her time and a lot of mileage and other expenses.  It would result in a delay in finishing our update.  This update has been dragging out since the end of October, a much longer timeframe than was originally promised.  We're ready for it to be completed.

The SW wants to go visit our cottage to do a safety check.

At first, when she announced this,  I thought she was joking about needing a vacation.  So I said, "Sure! Come anytime, you're always welcome!".  Then, she told me she would call the Ministry to see what their requirements are.  She told me to hope that she got a particular person on the phone instead of her more strict coworker, who would definitely say a visit was required.  Ummm.  Okay? Not joking.

That was a week ago and I haven't heard anything more on the topic.  I don't even feel like bringing it up again, secretly hoping she'll forget.

If she decided to complete the visit, (and I don't figure out a way to get out of it), we would ask her to stay with us overnight.  This would be due to the distance, and location.  And to be nice.  I think she would accept the offer.  The silver lining of doing this might be that she may get to know us better and think of us more readily for any suitable adoption matches that cross her desk.

When I write that out it sounds like bribery.  Not trying to bribe.  Just trying see the silver lining.

After telling my friend (a different kind of SW) the story, she stood up for her.  She said that maybe she needed to do it to cover all of her bases in case things had to go before the court.  She didn't find it unreasonable.

Ok.  Valid point, on the courts, I suppose. Maybe I'm just being sensitive.

Then I realized, what I was looking for was to commiserate a little bit about the whole process with my friend.  To be understood.

I feel like this is one more thing to add on top of an already very expensive and lengthy process.  It will be stressful for me to host her, even though she's a very nice lady.  I feel disgruntled that I have to prove myself over and over to get the same privilege that other fertile couples jump in the sack to get.

I feel like it is another invasion of our privacy.  I've already had enough.  I've answered questions like "How often are you intimate?" I'm tired of being judged.  That day, I gave an honest answer of "once or twice a week".  That number is embarrassing for me.  Hearing her ask D, "is that enough for you?" was down right humiliating.  (BTW, D said "yes", what a smart boy).

We're always answering questions but never feeling understood.  I could have elaborated more.  Yes, I'd love to have more sex. I'd love it to be like when we first were together.  However, we've been struggling with a reduced sex drive for a while.  5 years of coping with depression, grief, miscarriages, surgeries, scheduled abstinence for D to "produce a sample", and jamming hormone suppositories into my vagina yielding white or blue goo, has surprisingly, not been the recipe for more sexy time for us.   Go figure.

What I wanted from my friend was for to feel she understands.  I wanted a listening ear.  I wanted the conversation to include a question like "how are you two doing emotionally?"  It's the question I've been waiting to hear, and wanting to answer to almost everyone in my life.

So, instead, I ask myself and give my answer to you kind folks.  Today, I'm frustrated and grateful. Grateful for our test results this far.  And even more grateful for you.  Thank you for being there and listening to me.  This is one of the few places I turn when I'm feeling my most vulnerable.  Thank you so very much.  

Sending love to you.


  1. you are right. this is unfair. most couples get to have a kid without anyone asking them any questions. you had already been asked a billion and shown that your home is safe, and now you may have to play hostess for a weekend. this is definitly a bend over backwards and now make me a souffle situation. I am sorry you have to add this to the list of hurdles to jump

    1. I laughed at the soufflé analogy. You hit the nail on the head!

  2. The whole adoption process seems overwhelming and unfair. I totally understand and am for keeping the kids safe and out of the hands of creepers and people out to abuse the system, but at the same time, ughhh... such a massive invasion of privacy. I imagine my home study would be a DISASTER... not because my marriage sucks but because I would be so stiff and offended by every question. It sounds like you're handling it well and making the best of the situation!

    The cycle numbers sound perfect!

    1. I really wonder about how our social worker perceives us. It's such a fine line between spilling all, and putting yourself in the best possible situation for a match.

  3. This is exactly why I don't think adoption would be for us. I honestly don't think I could get over the feeling of privacy violation and being judged that fertile couples never have to go through to become parents. So unfair! I understand why they have to do it, but come on. Anyway, I really hope your cycle goes fantastic and this won't be an issue any more.

  4. I don't know much about the adoption process, but "I'm tired of being judged" sounds like a good summary. Glad that the cycle response looks good! Maybe you won't need the home study after all (though even then it may be a pain having gone through 95% of it...)
    Thinking of you and wishing you lots of luck.

  5. My stomach dropped. I realize I am naive about this topic but I'm truly surprised that they ask you how often you have sex and if it is enough. That is absurd.
    "I feel disgruntled that I have to prove myself over and over to get the same privilege that other fertile couples jump in the sack to get."---Uh hell yeah.

    I understand why you needed validation about how annoying it is to have to prove yourself in a thousand ways. Sending you validation vibes right now. You would be a great mother and should not have to prove it to anyone.

    1. When we did our first home study (this time it was just an update), the first social worker didn't ask this question. The first time around, I was prepared to answer it. D and I even had our number worked out! This time, with a new social worker, and only one interview, I didn't figure we would be asked. Especially because we weren't asked the first time.

      Thanks for the good vibes. :)

  6. Hardly anyone ever asks how are you two doing emotionally. I'd love to hear that more, too.

    1. Thinking of this from a different perspective, I'm realizing that I need to ask my friends this more too. I think I ask how they are, but I want to try to specifically ask how they are doing emotionally.

  7. I'm surprised that you are even allowed to pursue both IVF and adoption at the same time. Our agency didn't let us. They told us that adoption is not a last-ditch effort type of thing and that we would always see our adopted kid as a "better than nothing" type thing instead of an active choice. At the time, I was about to tell her to go f^&* off. But I held my tongue, had two more rounds of IVF (Both ended around 6 weeks) then saw what she meant. After the devastating losses of our IVFs, we were in no position to immediately take on an adopted child. We had to mourn the loss of our hopes and dreams for our children. Now we have our son and he is 100% ours. I think that you may not have the same issue as you have already pursued embryo adoption, but you still may need time to mourn the loss of the dream of having a child you gave birth to. ...

    Oh, and nothing beats our SW...she didn't insist on going to our vacation house (which was good, because we weren't paying her flight!), but I'll never forget that when she opened our closet, she then opened each drawer and said, "Hmm...most people don't put their underwear in the middle drawer". The ultimate WTF? moment.... Good luck and hopefully you can delay her visit until you won't need her anymore!!!!!

    1. Good parents across America put their underwear *only* in the top drawer---didn't you know that? wtfwtfwtfwtf


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