She's Here, She's Here!

On May 9th, Baby Sister made it into this world safely.

I am so lucky.   She's just amazing.

First, the obvious.  Childbirth sucks.

The story, if you're interested:

I was induced at 6pm on Sunday with a cervical foley catheter (balloon).  It dilated me to 3cm by the next morning.   The next day (Monday) , I arrived at the hospital at 8am and began receiving medications for induction.  Things progressed very slowly, but the baby was happy.  I followed my birth plan and took all the drugs.   When they would wear off every once and a while, I was reminded of just how awesome drugs are.

Just after midnight on Tuesday, I had dilated to 9cm and was 90% effaced.  The induction drugs kept flowing through out the night but my cervix didn't want to budge.  At 5am, the doctor gave my pitocin one last crank up to try to make my contractions stronger, and dilate me the last little bit.  At 6am, they told me I could push.

I tried to push for 1.5 hours.  I was exhausted.  I was 22 hours into labour at that point.  My doctor came in, and he said he could still feel a small amount of my cervix.  He said I could try to push for a couple more hours if I wanted because baby was happy, but he thought maybe baby was too big to fit because all of my pushing had not made baby any closer to the exit.   Shortly after, I decided to have a c-section.  I just wanted it to be over and was exhausted and feeling overwhelmed.

At 9:05am our beautiful little girl made it into this world.  She cried right away, and so did I.  I'm crying as I type this.  I still can't believe we got this lucky.  Hubs got brave and even saw her right after she emerged.  I can't believe he looked!

The next few days of recovery were a blur.  The baby is jaundiced, but is recovering well.  We decided to supplement her with formula to help things along.

Breast feeding has been very difficult.  This is a whole other story in itself.  However the nutshell version is that she has a very strong latch, which has resulted in some very sore bleeding breasts.  After a rest from breast feeding we're getting back on track.  We're almost a week in, I think we are turning a corner.   She is currently receiving formula about  50% of the time.   I think some form of supplementation might be the right solution for us going forward, but we'll see.  We're taking it day by day.

She had a slightly abnormal heart rhythm (a long QT which is the contraction phase of the heart rhythm from what I understand), so she had to have some extra tests.  The doctors think it is already resolving on its own.  Because of hubby's history with a minor congenital heart defect, they are being extra careful and following up on this.   This resulted in a lot of extra traffic in our hospital room.   Our hospital is a teaching hospital and there were a ton of people in our room everyday.  We were really glad to get to go home.

Big brother has been amazing.  It melts my heart.  He was sooooo excited to meet her.  We waited until we were home from the hospital, and I'm glad we did that because there were no extra distractions around us.   He held her, and analyzed every little thing about her "look at her little tongue!", "why she no wear socks, Mama?", "look at my trains Baby Sister", and "she has a picky nose" (what he calls it when he has a boogie in his nose).  "I need to be gentle",  were some of the things he said.  He held her patiently and gently for 20 minutes (a record for his 2.5 yr old attention span), while wiggling his feet excitedly the whole time.   It was one of the best moments of my life.   It was beyond adorable.  There weren't a lot of dry eyes around watching.

I'm so, so grateful.

39 Weeks

It's hard to believe that we're soon going to meet Baby Sister.  It's hard to believe that this is even happening to us at all.  But it is.   It blows my mind.   We're so lucky.

I haven't had any signs of labour.  I want some though ;)

I can't remember if I wrote this or not yet, but my placenta previa resolved itself at 36 weeks.  Doc says we're good to go for a vaginal birth.   I go tomorrow for another check up.

I've researched a few things, and have an idea of how I'd like the birth to go.  But really, I just want Baby Sister to get here safely and in the most friendly way possible for me.  The only item on my birth plan is: 1) Take all the drugs.  

I'm having a bit of anxiety about how we are going to manage two kids in the early evening hours (hubby works from home and needs to work until 8pm), but I'm hoping it will all just come together.  I had a 12 yr old mother's helper come over for the first time yesterday.  She lives four doors down.  I'm hoping she'll be able to lighten the load a bit.

I'm also having anxiety that there could be something wrong with the baby.  I'm not going to write that all out here, because I don't want to give it any more space in my head than it's already taking up. But it's there.

The next time I post, hopefully there will be a baby here!

32 weeks

This pregnancy is going well.   I'm starting to get large and people are commenting on it.  Got my first "you look like you're ready to pop comment" today.  Didn't feel that great to hear given that this baby is due 8 weeks from now and I've been doing well in the weight gain department. 

Most of my weight gain is in my belly.  So far, I don't have any stretch marks, but I know that this is probably when they are going to start showing up. My sister escaped them until her 40th week of pregnancy.  I don't have a working home scale, but the last time I was at the doctor's office I was on the low range of what was considered normal for weight gain.  I think the only reason this has stayed somewhat in check is because I can no longer eat large portions of anything.  This baby must be sitting right on my stomach.  Eating a large portion doesn't just make me feel too full, it's very uncomfortable.   A lot of foods just don't seem desirable anymore either.  

Anyways, it's funny what ends up on the keyboard, because I had no intentions of sitting here typing about my weight gain.   Blogging and therapy are kind of similar for me.  I get surprised by what comes out sometimes.  

I can feel baby girl moving around a lot.  Last night, there was a very distinct movement of a hand or a foot across the top of my belly.  She just kept it there, and I could feel and see the tiny bump sticking out.  It was like she was trying to stretch out her space.  It is so strange.    

My previa has been resolving.  At my last ultrasound a couple of weeks ago, it had moved to marginal and was 1.4 cm from my cervix.  My doctor says it has to be 2cm away to have a vaginal birth.   I go for another ultrasound tomorrow, and for one every two weeks from here on out.  

Funny thing is that I spent fair bit of time making peace with the c-section.  I was a bit worried about breast feeding after a c-section, recovery with a toddler in the house, and feeling cooped up for 6 weeks with no driving.  Then I started thinking - "Hey! I may not feel any labour pains! And the baby won't be born in the middle of the night! I could have ended up with one anyways.  I can plan when my helpers will arrive a little better.   And sweet - my vagina will be intact!" 

But, then I listened to a podcast (The Longest Shortest Time - Episode 110 "Risky Birth-ness").  The unintentional effects of this for me adding to my positive feelings about a c-section, after hearing about vaginal birth injuries and complications.   Fast forward to now, when a vaginal birth is probably an option and all that information is freaking me out a tad. 

I remind myself that I wanted to experience pregnancy, and childbirth so badly.  Now, I kind of shake my head at the childbirth part of this.   Eeks.  

I stopped taking my happy pills (antidepressant) soon after I found out I was pregnant.  At the time, I was thinking of stopping them anyways, as I had been on them for 1.5 years and was feeling pretty good.    Up until a couple of weeks ago, I'd really been feeling well in this department. 

Anxiety and a bit of depression have been sneaking their way back into my life though.   Anxiety about childbirth, nursing, managing two kids, feeling lonely, and feeling bored (can winter just be over now?!?  This Canadian is tapped out.)   Our son has had 4 viral bugs since Christmas Eve, and it's taking it's toll.  He pukes/gets a cold, we stay home, he pukes in random places, we clean it, we visit doctors and sometimes the ER visit (he has asthma that is complicated by any illnesses).  Plans are canceled and he can't go to his twice weekly babysitter (our sanity), or on any playdates or activities.  He gets bored at home and starts asking to go "somewhere special" before he's well enough to go.   It's draining.   

I really just need more stimulation in my life, but it's a hard thing to achieve at this moment.  I'm thinking about going back on the happy pills because I'm very scared of combining this low-level feeling of malaise with post-partum hormones and sleep deprivation.   

I type this out, all with a nagging sense of guilt reminding myself that we fought so hard to become parents and now have everything that we ever hoped for.  I think that's one of the less commonly talked about after effects of infertility and loss.  It's like there is no space, even within my own thoughts for the challenges of parenting.  Sometimes, even though we have hoped for something so much, it can be really, really difficult in moments, and seasons.   Having gone through infertility to get here doesn't change those.  I need to remind myself of this.  

Placenta Previa

So, we've hit one little snag in the pregnancy.   I'm hoping it stays little.

I've known for a while that I have placenta previa (aka a low lying placenta).   This week, after a bout with a gastro-bug and some personal stress in my family, I had a bit of bleeding.

It's nothing too major.  Dark brown, not red.  And not a lot, just a heavy spotting.

I'm hoping it was an isolated thing related to my vomiting, but it's complete previa, meaning the placenta covers my entire cervix, so it may not be.

I think the chances of the placenta moving and correcting are getting slimmer by the day.  I'm 25 weeks now.  A c-section is needed in previa cases.  Which stinks, but oh well. Honestly, I'm just so happy to have this baby any way it decides to come into the world.

Hubs' anxiety has been remarkably in check for months.  This has sparked something in him though, and he's a worrying, googling mess asking me what was on the toilet paper every single time I go to the washroom.

I sent my little pumpkin to the babysitter for the full week this week so I could take it easy.  It's like a mini-vacation.  That part of things is kind of awesome, I'm not going to lie. ;)

Checking in

I'm still in disbelief that this is really happening to us.  

My worries have thankfully faded a bit from weeks ago about this pregnancy not continuing.   We've reached the point where this pregnancy could be viable if the baby was born -24 weeks today!   That is astonishing.

I can now regularly feel Baby GIRL (yes - that's right! A GIRL!) kick and move.   Usually after the little guy is in bed I lay in mine, totally exhausted from the day (it doesn't take much), and that's when Baby Girl puts on her acrobatic show.  It's such a lovely feeling that I never in a million years thought I'd get to experience.   Hubby can feel it now too which is neat.

I've started decorating and organizing a nursery.  Seeing that room makes me more excited than anything.

The other day we posted our pregnancy announcement on FB.  I made a video of the little guy saying "I'm going to be a big brother" I'm going to have a baby sister"  I asked him where the baby was, and he pointed to his belly, then quickly realizing it wasn't in there, he pointed to mine and he squealed.   It turned out really cute.  Hearing everyone's surprise and congratulations was also a neat moment.

I'm sure Little Boy doesn't get what's about to happen (he'll be 2.5yrs in May when she's born), but he does say the odd really cute thing about having a new sister.   We play a little game in the car where I ask him "Who's my my hunny bunny?"  He shouts out names "Gamma!" I say noooo (thinking definitely not, haha), then he'll say other people's names, and I say no.  Eventually, he'll say his version of his name or "Daddy" and I say "yes!!!".  I asked him a couple days ago who his hunny bunny was and he said "Baby Sister!" I can't wait to see their relationship develop.

Although, keeping it real - I am also a bit worried about his transition from being the center of our universe.   And for moments like the other day, where he ran across a gym full of toddlers with a thank God,  soft squishy ball,  and yelled "boink the baby on the head" and proceeded to do just that before I could intervene.    The baby was a trooper (she has two older siblings and it didn't even phase her), but oh man! Baby Girl may not have the peaceful infancy that he had!

We've also started to think about Baby Girl names.  I'm pretty stumped.   Heeeelllllp!

17 weeks

Still pregnant here! 17 weeks! Today I had an ultrasound and everything is "all gold stars" as my OB says. 

The shock has not warn off; but acceptance and excitement are now here too!  

Not much else to report, but just wanted to check in!  Next ultrasound will be Dec 22 for a full anatomy scan. 

Still pregnant, huh?

Holy crap. Guess what? I'm still pregnant. Like as of 5 minutes ago when I heard the baby's heartbeat on my home doppler.  Whaaaaa?!?!? 

This is nuts. 

I'm 11 weeks, 5 days.  The time is creeping sloooooowly along. 

The shock has not subsided. Acceptance is not here either. 

I'm kind of living in a weird state of limbo where my brain can't admit that yes, my body is actually still pregnant and boobs have never looked better. 

My tummy is growing, yet I can't quite bring myself to buy many new clothes yet, for fear that If I had to grieve the loss of this pregnancy and get rid of maternity pants, that it would be an added ounce of pain that isn't worth it yet. 

The f*cked up infertile that I thought I had banished to the basement of my emotions for the past couple years is apparently still alive and well. 

I can't stop thinking that I never even dreamt about a natural pregnancy, since I was 28 years old and I heard our infertility diagnoses because our chances were so bleak. We didn't ever have timed intercourse because I felt like it was pointless (and ha! I thought our treatments would work).  

There was never even a thought in my mind in over 10 years that this could happen.  I thought of it as a small blessing in a way, that I didn't have to get my hopes up every single month for nothing. 

I'm still shaking my head that I'm even writing about such a thing- happening to us. 

I really hope this continues.  What an unbelievably awesome ending it would be to everything we've been through. 

Ultrasound

The baby is actually only 9 weeks, has a strong heart rate and everything is as it should be. 

Bloodwork is all normal, and my hcg is still rising. Now 98,000. 

This is getting real! Wow, just wow. 

Heartbeat

Ok...so there was a heartbeat!!!!!!!!

 170bpm. 

This is freaking nuts. Absolutely mind blowing. 

The doctor says she thinks I would be 10-12 weeks pregnant based on my hcg, uterus size and the baby's (what- did I just write baby!?!?) heart rate. 

Today, I was at a clinic. Long story short I'm away from home for a while and it's harder to get the medical care I'm used to. There was not ultrasound machine, so the doctor used a doppler.  

I got referred for an ultrasound tomorrow.

 

Holy crap

Is anyone still out there? 

I have some crazy news that I'm not sharing with many people in real life. 

I'm pregnant. 

Naturally. 

WTF. 

I thought I was in menopause...seriously. But after feeling tired and grouchy for a while, hubs suggested that I take an HPT. I serious thought I eas having a variety of perimenopausal symptoms.  

I went to a clinic and my HCG was 87,000. 

I am waiting on my doctor's appointment this Wednesday to see if there is an actual live baby inside me. 

After my history, I'm really not getting my hopes up. 

But really, if this does end up working out?!? It's nuts. I only found out last week, and if my calculations are right, I could be 15 weeks along. 

Cue my brain wanting to explode, and needing to get it out somewhere. 

Ps) My pumpkin's amazing & going to be two very soon! 

Update on life with a toddler

I think of this space almost every day. I love reading other blogger's posts, and sometimes I feel guilty about dropping off the face of the blogger-earth, especially when writing, and your comments were such essential lifelines to me for so long.

I've been busy enjoying life. Feeling contented was previously so elusive, that I wondered if it actually existed.   A huge chunk of this contentedness most definitely comes from life with Babykins, but the other part I am certain is because of the happy pills (antidepressants) that I continue to take.  Love them both, of course in different ways.  I also love not going through the physical and emotional rollercoaster of IF.

Babykins is almost 17 months. He is a very busy little guy, running – hardly ever walking - almost everywhere he goes.  He is so curious about everything.  I enjoy watching him take in the world and babble back at it.   My Dad nicknamed him Tornado Boy, and it’s an accurate representation of what happens when he’s around.  Bucket of toys? Dump it! Mommy’s PJ drawer? Whip everything out, and quickly move on to the next thing.  When I get frustrated with the mess that follows him, I have to remind myself that absolutely everything is new, fun,  and full of wonder for him.  

Our home now looks dramatically different than it did only months ago.  We’ve moved on from baby proofing to toddler proofing.  Bye-bye little plastic cabinet latches, hello to the heavy duty magnet kind!

Love these by the way! They are pricey but worth it.  The only draw back is that he likes to hide the magnets when he gets a hold of them.  http://www.amazon.com/Safety-1st-Magnetic-Locking-System/dp/B004GCJMLG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1456251470&sr=8-1&keywords=baby+proofing+magnets)

Before Babykins came around, I naively thought that several hundred “no’s” would be enough to teach a toddler to stay out of certain areas.  No means “Fun! Let’s do it again” to him.  It’s something we’re working on.  ;) 

Babykins is honestly the most smiley and giggly baby- scratch that- toddler (Aaah! Where did my baby go?!).  People at the grocery store, swimming lessons, church, in our family and friends say they have ever seen another baby like him.  His new (2 mornings a week) babysitter said that he smiled "99% of the time" while he was there.  We just love how generous he is with his smiles and how ticklish he is.

He seriously has the most addictive little face.  I always say that he’s cuter than any baby we could have made.  He has a full head of blonde hair and has had 3 haircuts already!

As I re-read where I left off with my last post, I noticed he was 23 lbs at 10 months.  Now, seven months later, he’s only 25 pounds and quite a bit taller.  He’s a pretty decent eater still (although he’s lost his love for certain veggies), but he rarely sits still so he doesn’t gain much weight.

If Babykins were given five supervision-free minutes at home, this is how I know he would spend it.

1.     Run to the toilet.  Rapidly lift the lid and swish both hands back and forth along the bottom of the bowl.

2.    Run to the garbage.  If it was accidentally left unlocked, celebrate by picking things out, touching all of the recycling and maybe having a snack or two.

3.    Go into the closet and get the vacuum out.  Empty out everything from the closet.   Grab the broom and “clean” the floor.  This boy loves all things cleaning.  I have no idea where he got this love from.  He certainly doesn’t get it from either one of his parents. 

4.    Find the cat and pet him gently at first, then get excited and pull his tail. 

In other parts of our life, we’ve been thinking of moving.  We were fortunate to purchase a cottage a couple of years ago near my family, a five-hour car ride from where we live now.   I’ve been debating since before we purchased it, if we would like to live there one day.

Because D works from home, we’re able to spend 6 months of the year at each place.  It’s is the perfect solution for right now.  But of course, when Babykins starts school, that’s all going to change. 

Summers at the cottage are great, but the cold winters aren’t. I love being close to my family and Babykins being near his cousins.   I notice a change in my relationships with my family members when I am there.  We are so much more connected when I am geographically closer.   We don’t have any friends that live there though, and we miss those connections.

We prefer our home in the winter.  All of our friends are here, as well as D’s parents.  Because it’s a bigger city, there is more entertainment, and stuff to do with Babykins.  

We are outgrowing our winter home.   It also has a pool that we have kept closed for the past two summers.  I planted huge gardens that we now have to pay someone to care for in the summer.   Our next door neighbour who cared for our lawn and the inside of our house is now moving.   All of this means that we feel like it is time to list our house. 

I’m feeling like I can’t take D away from his parents, and that I’m not ready to move to the cottage full time.  So for now at least, we are hoping to move within the same town to a house with very little exterior maintenance.   I would love to build something new near my best friend, but D wants to find a more reasonably priced existing place.  

We’ve met with realtors and have been spending all of our extra time getting our house ready to sell.  Seeing my house perked up has made me love it all over again.

I don’t feel like I can talk with much of this with my real life family or friends for lots of reasons.  I know it’s a good problem to have, but it still weighs on my mind wondering if we are making the right decisions.

Also contributing to the desire to move is that we are feeling ready to start trying for baby #2.  And we don’t have a great place to put baby #2 if we were so lucky. 

Until a couple of months ago, I wasn’t sure if D would ever feel like he wanted a second.  He’s so in love with Babykins, and is a very involved parent, especially because he works from home.   But he’s exhausted.  Babykins hasn’t been a great sleeper since the beginning, and D is a light sleeper.  I am the opposite, thankfully.  D has spent more than his fair share of nights awake.   

D is an amazing father.  I always knew he’d be a really great dad, but he’s truly wonderful.  I am lucky to have him as a partner and co-parent.  I am especially reminded as I read other venting posts on Facebook mommy groups.  My guy is the opposite of so many other daddy duds out there.

But back to baby #2…. We have four normal embryos.  We are going to ship them back to our local clinic from CCRM.  Yes, the success rates aren’t as stellar, and shipping them carries risk, but we don’t want four more kids, so we are prepared to take on a little risk for the convenience of not having to travel half way down the continent and spend even more of our savings.  If we didn’t have to repeat the $4,000 one day work up at CCRM to do a frozen transfer, we’d probably just keep them where they are, but they won’t waive this pre-requisite.

We’re aiming to transfer one embryo in the next month or two before we leave for the summer.   We are only going to try until I get pregnant.  As D says, we know that I can get pregnant, we just don’t know if I can carry.  Emotionally, if I have another miscarriage, I don’t want to do any more transfers.  I think I’ll officially throw in the towel at that time with using my body.

Truthfully, I don’t even want to be pregnant.  Like, at all.  I’ve read about and watched many of my friends have rough pregnancies and recoveries and I really don’t want to experience any of that, especially while chasing after our busy little guy.  I don’t want to miss out on any moments with him. 

If I had someone suitable offering to be my surrogate this moment, I’d take them up on their offer.  My sister generously offered to be our surrogate after she has a second child, but that’s at least 4 years away.  I would be 40 at that time, and given my energy levels now, that seems too far away for me.

I’d love to do another adoption, but we feel like we need to give our little embies a shot at life first. 

That’s all for now… Sending love your way!

Almost 10 months

Life has been good to us these past months. I love summer. Babykins is thriving.  Antidepressants have been the boost that I needed for so many years.  

Seriously- why did I wait so long to take these happy pills? They are so nice! They make me a more content person. I am surprised by how my thinking has changed. Little things that would annoy me (like the sound of a fan- seriously), don't anymore. I am a little lazier and sleepier too, but I feel like it's a small price to pay for better mental health.  My only fear now is thinking about stopping the pills, which I have no plans to do anytime soon. 

Babykins update:

He's a baby that loves to smile when you do, and happily seeks the attention of those around him. He's curiously exploring every aspect of his world, now on all fours, crawling and pulling himself up onto absolutely everything. 

He loves food. On the weekend, after he had breakfast at home, we went to a friend's for brunch. He had another full meal with us, and then when their daughter woke from her nap, he joined her for another small meal. Three breakfasts in about two hours. I love that he loves healthy food so much, and I hope he continues to be a good eater.  He's a big boy at almost 23lbs, and in the mid-80th percentiles for weight and height. 

I am enjoying this phase (he's almost 10 months) of parenting so much more than the newborn stage.  While it's still tiring, (Babykins is still is a crummy sleeper- we've tried lots of different approches but are realizing that this may just be him 😳.), it's sooo much better than those first few months of feeling like a zombie who might pass out from sheer exhaustion at any second.  

This stage of development is so fun and interactive.  I am trying to soak it all in every day, knowing that tomorrow he'll be a bigger boy yet again. 

His smiles and giggles are so awesome, and I'm very good at eliciting both from him.  He's a happy, and very social little guy.  Everyone is always commenting on what a great personality he has. We feel so lucky and proud that he's our boy. 

I am in awe every day of how much he makes my heart explode for him, and how just when I think that I couldn't love him anymore, the next day, I realize I love him more deeply yet again.  I'm trying to soak in all of these innocent moments with him, because I know they are so fleeting. 

Last night, we went to a party where one of the other guests told me about her three losses and four years of infertility.  I think someone else at the party directed her to talk to me about our shared experiences. 

When her eyes swelled with tears, my heart remembered that pain so easily, yet with so much less of a sting. In so many ways every day, I am reminded that we could still so easily be fighting those day-by-day and minute-by-minute battles if it were not for Carla.  I love her more and more everyday too. 

Speaking of Carla, she came to visit us last month at our summer place with her mom. She spent 24 hours with us and we had a great visit. We went boating and relaxed together. They were easy company to host (phew!)

Babykins was teething (he has three little razor sharp teeth so far!). His new mobility and independence has him very uninterested in easily allowing his diaper change/clothing change/bedtime etc. to happen any longer in a relaxed manner.  

Poopy diaper changes are especially a gong show. When D and I are both home, we tag-team them because he is such a squirmy and strong boy.  

It was a little stressful for me navigating all of these new developments with Carla and her Mom around at first. I didn't want it to seem like we don't know what we're doing - even though, admittedly- a lot of the time we don't! (On this note, I am convinced that a lot of parenting is fake it until you make it.) 

I find myself wondering if we meet Carla's expectations on what she hoped for when she chose us.  She told me after her visit that she loves us so much and that we're awesome parents. It was so nice to hear, but I still feel a tiny bit insecure when we see her, even though I know she, and her family are some of the least judgemental people I have ever met. 

D thinks it's good for Carla to see the harder parts of parenting, not just all of the cute pics and giggling baby videos, and well prepped visits. I think she already knows this, and it's why she made the decision she did. 

Openess isn't without its hiccups, such as this one, but I definitely feel so glad that we have been able to build such a strong relationship with Carla and Babykins' extended families. The love they have shown our boy and us, is powerful and makes some of the small sacrifices we make to accomodate them in our lives very worth it. 

Birthdad (who has had no contact with us since the hospital and is no longer dating Carla) recently told Carla that he would now like to see some pictures too. It's a pretty huge step for him to ask for this, and I think it's because he sees how things are working well for the rest of his family and for Carla.  And, maybe he's had more time to process all of this for himself too. 

We're going to text him monthly pictures, and invite him to Babykins' first birthday party (which I do not think he'll attend). 

I can't believe that I'm even starting to  plan his first birthday. My boy is going to be one in the fall...eek!  :)

8 months, a new nephew and taking the antidepressants

My Nephew

Right now, I'm in a hospital snuggling my newborn nephew.  He is 8lbs of pure bliss.  Ahhh. I am soaking it in. 

I am so excited for my sister to be a Mama, and to be an aunt for a second time.   I am especially happy because I worried about her being able to have a child. 

My sister and her fiancé generously invited me to be a part of her labour and delivery.  It was such an honour to be able to support her throughout the process and watch everything unfold.  It was especially meaningful for me because it's an experience that I may never have. 

I've always had a lot of love, respect and admiration for my sister, but watching the way she has navigated this experience has really made me admire her so much more. She has gone through many difficult situations with so much grace and positivity. 

I am also reminded by this experience, and as I often am as I experience motherhood, that I am so grateful to"be on the other side" and have my little Babykins waiting for me at home. 

Infertility changed so much of me, and I am so glad that I've been able to heal and to experience this without the dark cloud of infertility over my head.  

My sister ended up having a c-section because the baby's heart rate was decelerating significantly during her pushing. She's been recovering well, and the baby  is doing well. 

Tonight, the baby finally latched (on the third day). I was able to watch their breast feeding joirney unfold. Watching him finally latch was such a special moment to share in. 

Babykins update:

He's 8 months old now! 

He's the sweetest little thing.  Well, he's not so little- he's almost 23lbs! 

Many of our friends and family have told us that he is the happiest, most smiley and giggly baby they have ever met. He loves little repetitive games and surprises. A simple "BOO!" can send him into a giggle-fest. 

He started crawling the day before I left to meet my nephew. D has been sending me videos and pictures of him motoring around, leaving a path of toys in his wake.  They make my heart swell. 

He's a busy little guy, who wants everything to go in his mouth. He's also babbling up a storm, loves attention and food! He dislikes diaper changes and  is starting to be quite a challenge to change and dress.  If he had his choice, he would stay naked - probably forever. 

Antidepressants/my mood:

I started taking the antidepressants about two weeks after they were prescribed. They took the full 6 weeks to take their full effect, but they have been amazing. I am so happy that I have decided to take the plunge and see doctor and take his recommendation even though it was scary for me.  I just wish I did it sooner! 

Life is good. 

Adoption panel, cleaning lady and 7 month (almost) update

Well, I started taking the pills!  I realized that it was anxiety that was stopping me from taking them originally... which probably seemed super obvious to all of you... but when you are living with it on a daily basis, thinking like this has a way of becoming normal.

So, we'll see how it goes!

I took Babykins to the zoo yesterday.  He really was just excited to be out an about, as was I.  It was a nice day with our friend and her daughter.  As an added bonus, she's a photographer so she snapped some nice pics of me and Babykins.

A little update about Babykins - he is a week away from being seven months old!

He's still waking a couple times in the night.    At his 6 month check up he weighed just over 20lbs, which was in the 92nd percentile for weight (wow!) and he's in the 70th percentile for height.  He's a big boy!  Apparently the reflux has not been slowing him down.  He loves solids and will eat just about anything I give him.  I'm noticing that temperature has more of an effect on what he dislikes more then the food itself.  So far, we have done vegetables and protein with some cereals.  I'm waiting until next month to introduce fruits and we'll do dairy after that.

His reflux has been improving.  We switched bottles, he started sitting up, and eating solids.  So, I really have no idea if any of these things were behind the improvement, or if it's just because he's older and his physiology is beginning to mature.  Who knows, but I am glad that he is getting better.

He's a little trooper with puking though - it doesn't even phase him, it's just a part of his life.

We met with Carla last weekend.  We happened to be visiting another friend very close by, so we stopped in (with lots of notice) for a visit.  We also saw his birth dad's family (but not his birth dad, he's not interested, and I respect that).

D was having a bachelor party weekend for my brother at our house, so Babykins and I went on our first road trip.  It was a big success.  He was great in the car and he even slept through the night one night - yay! I'm hoping that's a trend that continues.

This weekend we're speaking at an adoption panel locally about openness in adoption.  The facilitator said many of the people that are in the small group are hesitant about openness in adoption.  It's a feeling I remember well.  It's a full circle moment for us.

We also recently signed our finalization papers.  Now we just need the "rubber stamp" from the courts and he will be officially ours. :))))

He's an awesome little boy with just the best personality.  He smiles at EVERYONE and giggles very easily.  I can't imagine a better baby.  Even though it's been seven months, it's all still hard to believe that we got this lucky.

And oh - and I treated myself this week to having a cleaning lady come in.  Yesterday when I got home from the zoo, my house smelled so fresh and clean.  It was ah-mazing and worth every penny.  I might make this more of a regular occurrence.

It's so nice having your whole house clean all at one time.  I find with a baby that I can clean a little bit here and there but it wears on me looking at X or Y that needs to be done.   And, it's very anxiety reducing for me to have a clean house.   Already, I've done a few extra things that needed to be done, when I'd be trying to get basic household things done.

Sorry - this post was a little bit all over the place - but there's no time to edit! Hubby is away on a business trip.

Moods

So a while back, I posted something about my moods still not being right.  I've been tracking them on the app called Optimism for a few months - a huge win for me to continue doing this for this length of time.  I'm not the greatest at sticking to stuff like that.

I looked at the pattern and here's what I see.  Several weeks of feeling 8/10 (yay!), followed by a sharp decline around PMS time to 2/10.  I wrote notes about how I was feeling in the app and a lot of my complaints seemed to be directed towards my dear D.  I'm not sure that he deserves all of what I direct at him, it's probably just that he's the closest to me, we see each other A LOT (he works from home and now I'm home way more than I've ever been with Babykins), and I feel comfortable expressing these emotions to him (and not many other people in my life).

Every single month, in the early part of my cycle, I convince myself that nothing is wrong.  That my bad mood the month before was the result of X problem.

I can now see an unfortunate pattern in dealing with problems in my life.  My strategy has been: a) ignore it,  b) then get to the point where I can't stand it, but still don't communicate my needs (desires?) in a healthy way.  I get quiet while trying to stifle my negative emotions.  c) It gets to the point to where D asks me what's wrong on more than one occasion then d) We end up having a discussion and or fight about it  e) I feel better, which often also coincides with resolving the disagreement and my period showing up.

My cycles range from 28 days to 50+ days, which makes things more difficult.  When I'm having a long cycle, I feel like my body goes through weeks of PMS instead of a day or two like I used to have in my twenties.

I decided to talk to my doctor about it.

He was so awesome.  I love my family doctor and always have.  I filled in a couple questionnaires and scored mild for depression and moderate for anxiety.  I feel that this aligns with my judgement of how I feel.

He said some things to me that really made sense.

First, he told me to start taking 2000IU of vitamin D.  I haven't been a good vitamin taker, so note to self - DO THIS!  For reals this time.

He asked me if I feel guilty about feeling this way?  My answer to that is a big YES.  I feel like I have everything I asked for, and I'm upset about feeling this way.  That I have it so much better than a lot of people.  Why can't I just be happy for once?!

He told me that if there was a blood test or something similar to detect anxiety and depression that we wouldn't need to feel guilty about being treated anymore.  That because it doesn't exist that we beat ourselves up.  This resonated with me.

He also said that we've been through a lot in the past couple of years, and maybe it's just all coming home to roost.  I shook my head in agreement.  It definitely could be that too.

Or, it could just be something chemical.

He said that he thinks that I should begin treatment.  He said that most of the time people will need treatment for 9-12 months.

When I came home and talked with D about it, he felt that I should wait.  That I always feel better in the summer time.  That maybe I don't need it.  While I do partially agree with this, I don't think it's the full picture.  I wonder what it's like to have a normal mood AND have it be summer time?  That just might be the recipe for bliss.

So, now as of last Saturday, I have the pills... I just need to get the courage to take them.

Baby number two?

A recent post helped me clarify some thoughts on trying for baby number two.  It's one of the many things I love about this blog.  I always seem to feel more at ease after going through the process of writing out my thoughts, and reading your comments.

What has been clarified for me is this.  

I really don't think it can get any better than Babykins.  He's simply the best.  However I would love to experience this all over again.  Okay, well, maybe not all of the moments in the first three months, ;) but everything ever since has been so much smoother. 

However,  I deeply just want to just enjoy Babykins infancy and toddlerhood without the added stress of going through another process, adoption or fertility.   After being stuck on the fertility wheel for seven years I am enjoying the freedom from being  and feeling like a patient all of the time.   

Either way, pursing another baby is going to require a lot of effort and emotional energy, no matter which path we choose.  I don't want to lose my contentedness with being a family of three if whatever path we choose doesn't work.  And while I am grateful (oh, so grateful) that I know it would be different this time around, having Babykins in our arms, I'm not naive enough to think that another loss or failure wouldn't be a blow, and a reminder of everything we have been through. 

Our options for baby #2 are adoption, a known altruistic surrogate (if I could find one) or a DE embie and my body.  What's that sound?  Do I hear you laughing at me, universe?   

Contributing factors: 

First, adoption rocks.  Waaaaay more than I ever could have imagined in my wildest dreams.

Second, I'm feeling more and more anxious about pregnancy and pregnancy loss.  It could be selective perception, but I feel like there have been a lot of people having very difficult pregnancies and births around me.  I'm not looking to be one of them.  And, I've been half-assed trying to loose the 5 pounds I put on since Babykins arrived, and it's not going anywhere.  I don't think I'd be good at all at trying to shed pregnancy weight and I'm about at the brink of not having a good body image.   I feel petty and silly even bringing that up, but I'm just being honest.

Third, we feel an obligation to give our four precious embies frozen in Colorado a shot at life with us or someone else.

Fourth, my moods are still out of whack and I don't want to make them worse.   (I'm seeing my doctor Saturday about them... I have a very busy week coming up but I hope to post again soon on how that goes.  I'm nervous about it!)

Here's what we decided.  

1) Try at least 1 normal embie in my body as a first step. Because yes, I am kind of nuts, but I still convinced that none of my pregnancies have been with normal embryos, except maybe my last DE pregnancy, which was a big painful question mark, which I need to turn into a period.

Or 2)  By no small miracle someone in my life stepped forward and offered surrogacy, then I would skip #1 and officially throw in the towel on my ute.  I'm not sure that's going to happen because a lot of my friends are entering advanced maternal age.  I am going to really have to put some thought into if I might ask someone.  My sister having a baby in June is a game changer... she might be an option down the road.  Who knows.

3) Hope that we get our answer with our embies one way or another quickly, so that trying for another adoption might be possible if it doesn't work out. 

We're taking the summer off to enjoy Babykins and re-starting everything in October after he turns one.  I'll be 36 then, and possibly 37 by the time a baby is born. 

Meeting with Carla

We visited Carla this weekend.  As her mascara streamed down her face I couldn't help but feel a big stab in my heart.  She's sacrificed so much for him and for us.  I wish I could ease her burden in some significant way.  

The only way I know how to help is to share her load is to listen to her feelings and validate them. And to share Babykins. Skype, emails, texts, pictures videos and visits. I genuinely tell her that I love her. That she is family to us now.  I tell her how amazing she is and how much she has changed our lives. 

I do everything I can think of, but it doesn't even scratch the surface on how full my heart is for her and this precious, amazing little boy. 

I want to do something special for her especially this Mother's Day. I hope that we may be able to share the day together because honestly there is no one that I would rather bring in my first Mother's day with than her.  And I want Babykins to be with both of us on that day. 

I am going to write her a letter and I am thinking of getting a piece of jewelery made for her.  

There are so many things that I admire about her.  She is so genuine. So funny. So open. So friendly. So nonjudgmental. So loving. So brave and honest.  

I'm wondering if you have any ideas on something special I could do for her?  I'm not supposed to give her anything with significant value because of the adoption process rules. I'd love to hear your suggestions. 

Birth Dad wasn't able to be there.  He bailed at the last moment.  I don't think he's coping well with all of this.  He's an avoider and to complicate things, they are no longer a couple.  My hope for him is that he can find some peace in all of this.  

MIL issues and the best medicine

I hate confrontation.  

However, my MIL finally pushed my last button.  I even broke the rule that D and I have where he deals with his family and I deal with mine for more difficult issues. 

MIL been insisting on feeding Babykins junk food.   EVERY time I see her, she makes a comment about what sweet treat she's going to give him.   He's not even 6 months old yet.  

We made a choice and set a boundary.  Hubby and I don't want to give our baby junk food, especially in his first year.  And while I don't really want him to have it in his second year either, I'm sure he'll get a taste here or there of certain things. We are not going to be that strict. 

I've been ignoring her comments and D had told her (albeit very mildly and passively) that we aren't feeding him that stuff.  

Yesterday, she once again brought up the topic. She told me about how she is going to feed Babykins cookies (and not baby cookies) when she is babysitting him in May while my brother gets married. 

I couldn't take it anymore. I finally asserted myself and told her that it really bothers me she keeps saying stuff like that.  I told her that we don't want him eating anything unhealthy before he is a year old.   

Side note: I may very well choose to give him a taste of something one day- but I see this as a major respect issue and I want to be clear with her. 

She proceeded to tell me that her friend's kids aren't allowed soda, but she gives it to them when they are at her house anyways.  Who says AND DOES crap like that!?!?

She's told me things like this before about what kids eat at her house.  

I told her that if she does this, that maybe she wouldn't get asked to babysit again.  

She said you'll never know.  

I said maybe we'll need to get some cameras then. 

Then, there was awkward silence between us.  A lot of it. 

D and Father-in-law were in the room measuring for some baby gates that they are going to build.  They continued what they were doing and then they left. 

It's such a first world, problem, and one that any childless-not-by-choice person would love to have, I know.  But it still has me a bit riled up.  I keep trying to remind myself that I this is HER problem and she should be the one that feels icky right now, not me. 

I should be proud of myself for setting boundaries, and being assertive. For some reason,  it doesn't entirely feel that way though.  Like I said, I hate confrontation. 

But gah! She has a lot of nerve, doesn't she!?!

It will be interesting to see how our next visit goes, which happens to be tomorrow. 

The rest of the day was still a great one though. I went to my exercise class with Babykins and enjoyed the company of the people there. 

When I came home I found seven (!) humongous wild turkeys at the end of my driveway! I live in town and it's not something I've ever seen that close before. My neighbour even came out in his bathrobe and was feeding them within close range. It was quite the sight! 

Then we ate lunch and I put Babykins in his exerciser. And my oh my, he had such abundant belly laughs that is allowed me to get my camera out. I filmed a video of three solid minutes of him just laughing his head off, literally - he was throwing his head back every time he giggled- when I popped up from below where he could see me. 

It melted my heart and I have watch that video I thousand times over and over. I would share it here, but I'm in a place where I'm not sure about how much I want to visually show about our lives at this point so I'm going to hold off. 

I tell you though, it is honestly the best medicine that I could've asked for to get over the stuff that was happening with my MIL. 

A glimpse into a really great day

A glimpse into a really great day today

D works from home out of our basement.

His work schedule is kind of wonky, which is part of the reason why he started working from home a few years ago.  He can work anywhere from 4am to 8pm.

A typical day for him is to get up at 4am, do what he needs to get done, go back to bed soon after (and now care for Babykins during that time if he's awake), and then officially start his work day around 7:30am.  From 10:30am-3:00pm, he usually has some free time, and then he returns to work until sometimes 8:00pm.

Okay, first a disclaimer - yes, many days we can really get under each other's skin, especially in the winter months and when I have PMS.  But more often than not, it is just really nice to have him around, especially with a new baby in the house.

He's a very hands on Dad, and I love that.  I love watching him make Babykins giggle, talks with him, changes his bum or taking care of him in some other way.

Oh, and I also love that Babykins happens to be a fairly regular little guy and poops every day on Daddy's 5-7am shift! ....hehe.  Often in the morning, he'll hand me the baby and say "he's pooped and been fed".  It's music to my tired morning ears.  D will drop Babykins into bed with me, and calls it my "baby alarm clock".  He props Babykins up with a pillow, usually perpendicular to me.  Babykins gets excited to see me and usually starts waving his arms and kicking me in the ribs.  Many mornings, just as I realize that I'm too awake to go back to sleep, Babykins will drift off for his mid-morning nap.

Today, during his time off, I was supposed to go get groceries.  Our fridge is right now seems to only have odds and ends that do not go together.

I showered around 1pm after lunch and Mommy and Baby boot camp class (oh how I love this class btw - more on that in a minute) and got ready to go out.

D was laying in the bed with the baby.  He had been tired all morning and I was encouraging him to take a nap.  He told me he was going to let the baby sleep while he caught up on the House of Cards episode last night that he slept through (who's watching the newest season right now? I am obsessed with this series!) When I got out of the shower, I laid in bed for what I thought was going to be a few minutes in my damp terrycloth housecoat.  Instead, we all slumbered together for a couple of hours.  It was glorious.  I loved today.

Mommy Bootcamp

Back to Mommy bootcamp though! It's a good workout.  I like that Babykins gets to hang out with some other babies and I think he's entertained by watching me look silly and sweaty.

My favourite part though is that I have met some lovely women in this group.  It's a part of motherhood that I was really looking forward to, and that I really felt like I was missing out on for a lot of years.  I felt like many of my older friends had made so many new great friendships with other mommies while I went to my fertility treatments.   I'm glad that I've found an activity that I like where the ladies are great and good for me to boot.

Now, I'm (happily) in this place where I'm trying to figure out how to be friends with some of  the ladies outside of this class.  I find developing new friendships as an adult to be strange and so much harder than cultivating a work or school related friendship.   I find the hitting it off part always goes well, but then I feel weird asking to do something else with them.  It's kind of like asking someone out on a date I guess.    Lots of times, I wait for the other person to ask first.  It's kind of lazy and insecure of me, and leads me to not always hanging out with the person I was hoping too, but instead sometimes the person that just happened to ask me first.

I've even gone so far as to check out the other mommies on Facebook to see what I can learn about them there.  It's interesting what I can see without being friended, and has definitely steered me away from a few of them.