Courage or stupidity

D's near or at the end of his rope with all of our IF treatments.  I'm not quite there yet, but I am approaching.  Debating our end point has me thinking about what the two ways our story could be told.

You hear or read stories about people who persevered through crazy, intense, and heart wrenching scenarios.  One that comes to mind is that of Mo and Will, who navigated their way through tremendous obstacles (cancer, and seven miscarriages among many other things).  They now have a beautiful baby in their arms.   I put them well into the courageous category, and I know I would do this regardless of whether their most recent efforts made them parents or not.   It's because they handled the journey with intelligence, strength and grace.

I'm finding as we wade through deeper waters of IF, I'm starting to judge myself more harshly.  I'm wondering if I'm no longer making smart choices. Two, three and four years into this seemed like we were fighting the good fight.  We were young and had time on our side.  Year five I felt like we had new information and were on to something new and more promising with CCRM.

As we approach year six, I wonder if we've done something terribly wrong.   Especially as D reminds me of a couple that was in our adoption course who now has a toddler because they chose traditional adoption.  That could have been us.

I wonder if I am in denial? With all of what we know (and don't know) maybe chances of success are  too slim?  Maybe the cost of pursuing treatment are now too high? I feel time running short, we are emotionally drained and financially tired, not to mention the opportunity costs of IF.

D is going to be 37 soon.  I'm going to be 34 this year and according to every doctor I've met, my ovaries are a decade older than they should be.   If we want to pursue adoption it will be a lot harder (I think) if we are a few years older.

I feel like if the next procedure worked for us, I would look back and think about what an incredible story it would be.  "It was all worth it" is what people say when they end up with what they wanted.   Nobody questions your decisions any longer.  We would say that we triumphed after a long hard fight.  That we were beaten down but we got back up again and again, and again.  That we figured things out.  We made our dreams come true.

There's another part of me that sees how this story could be told in a much different light.  Perhaps as we enter six years in, we are entering a new territory.  I think I would question whether we made intelligent decisions from this point on.   Even possibly decisions about DE IVF if it didn't work either.