Friday, 26 April 2013

Support in all the right places

It's embarrassing to admit, and annoying to experience.

When D is down and turns to me for support, I almost always start feeling down after myself.  Usually this happens after a few days.  It's like the heaviness of what he has said sinks in, and I start feeling myself go lower.

I despise that this happens.  I wish that I could be stronger.  I wish that I would not internalize everything, as is my nature.  I wish that him confiding in me could feel healthier for us both.

I want to be there for him.  But it's so hard to see your spouse hurting that bad.  I think it's harder also because he doesn't talk to his friends or family about IF stuff, leaving it all for me. 

I do.  Admittedly though, it's rarely the heavy emotional stuff that I want (and need) to get off my chest, and more like the keeping up-to-date kind of stuff.   Every little bit helps though, and I am grateful for the empathy that I have received. 

Sometimes however, it starts to wear on me that in some most of my long term friendships and family relationships that they have really no clue of what this experience has been like for us.  Either because they haven't asked or because I've glossed over the ugliness and spared them the details all of these years. 

A few weeks ago I had a friend ask me "what's the worst thing about infertility?" I love that she asked me this.  It was healing just to hear her say it.   It's one that nobody has ever taken the time to ask me before.  Or, that I've even asked myself.   

A lot of things came to mind so I asked her for clarification, "physically or emotionally?"  I wanted her to respond by saying "either" or "both".   I have a lot on my mind after five years of being stuck in IF-land.   The wounds from the emotional category has hands down been the hardest part on us. 

She answered "physically".  The first thing that pops in my head now to that question, is my miscarriage.  It was a misoprostal-induced vomiting crampy ugly nightmare.   However, for some reason,  I answered her that it was the vaginal progesterone supplements that you need to do three times a day for weeks on end.  I told her about the extra pleasure of getting to jam tiny little blue estrogen pills amongst the foamy mess in your who-ha every day.  I told her about how this results in smurf-like discharge which is especially a turn on and is great for your sex life.  I told her about how one of my fellow IF friends jokingly started calling intercourse "smurf sex".     

Even better than her asking me this, was that after I responded, she did not promptly jump out of the car.   

Reflecting on this makes me realize that it took courage for her to ask me this question, AND listen to my answer (even if it was only part of it).  She risked watching my tears flow and hearing something she probably wouldn't like, and might stick in her thoughts for awhile.  I love her for it.  THIS is how I want to be there for my husband.  I'm working on it. 

I want to know what your experiences have been like.  I want you to have the opportunity to share   your worst, like I did.

I'm asking you to share.  What has been the worst thing about your infertility?


  1. Number one: I would say the miscarriages too...

    Coming in second:

    The pregnancy tests. The negative ones because they are so soul crushing and the positive ones b/c (*see number one) I have lost the ability to have that pure excitement and joy.

    1. I agree. I hate that I've lost the ability to live in the moment and just be happy with a positive test. Ignorance is bliss sometimes.

  2. Such a tough question. It all sucks! I think for me the toughest has been the decision making because we are sort of "unexplained", it has been very hard knowing which way to go, what the problem is and what the next step should be. I have been suffering through extreme anxiety on and off, endless sleepless nights and tears.

    Oh! The money too!! All out of pocket and $150K spent with nothing to show for it. That is a tough one to swallow.

    1. I hate thinking of what we could have bought with all of the money. We haven't added it all up officially, but we are probably in six digits too. Gag.

      Being unexplained sounds especially difficult - like how to know when to rule things out, and know where and how to focus your efforts. It sounds like from your blog that you are doing a great job at that, even though it hasn't come easy.


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