Wednesday, 24 April 2013
Decisions and the waiting game
This is all my calendar today. Not much on the go. The most exciting thing was hoping for my period to come so I could find out if the cyst is gone. There is no sign of it coming (usually I get the lovely advance notice of a week of spotting before hand). Well that is, except yesterday's hefty dose of bitchiness directed at hubby. He might have deserved that though, I don't know.
It was cold outside today so I spent the day grocery shopping and then making a couple of soups. I'm thinking (hoping?) that this might be the last urge that I get to make some in a while. Bring on the BBQ weather and food!
Hubby and I are still on different pages fertility-wise. I didn't have the desire to write about it until now. I was just letting it simmer for a while. The short of it is that D wants to finish up with this round of IVF. I feel that he is nearing the end of his IF rope and I'm trying to respect that. He thinks it is my body that is preventing us from getting pregnant more than an embryo quality issue (ouch). I think it's embryo quality issue, and so does the doctor.
If D can only go through this a few more times, I want to skip the OE IVF and move to DE. He's going to be 37 soon and he's seeing the big 4-0 approaching. I think for the first time he's feeling his biological clock ticking.
I know if I have a baby I won't regret how it came to us. We've fought long and hard enough. And I'm starting to wonder for what?
If OE IVF doesn't work this time around, D wants to move to traditional adoption. I don't. I can't explain why exactly, I just know I'm not fully there. I want to try DE with donor sperm.
D doesn't really understand my desire to experience pregnancy. He thinks adoption is just about the same thing. This frustrates me. I feel like after all that has been taken from us, I just want this one thing. I want our baby to be welcomed into our family with the 9 months in utero that most other mothers get. I want to control the prenatal environment. I want to experience childbirth.
D says he needs the closure of doing this OE IVF. He says we are too close to the finish line to quit now. Not to mention that we have $5,000 of non-returnable Follistim just rotting away in our fridge. He says that the money spent going after it ($25,000 for fun) will be on him (we have joint accounts, we're just talking about the guilt of spending it I suppose). I would rather spend the rest on DE and some furniture (for a nursery!).
Something has else has happened. The hardest part of this part of the journey lately doesn't seem to be pregnancy announcements and seeing swollen bellies anymore. It's almost like I've become largely desensitized. The hardest part now is that D and I don't agree on which way to proceed.
There doesn't seem to be a right path anymore. Up until now we made the best choice together after considering the options. While there have been many bumps in the road, one choice always seemed to stand out. Not the case anymore folks.