Monday, 28 April 2014

Houston: We have contact!

There was glorious progress.

Contact #1:

A text from one friend.  She was the one who called and left a message last week.  It said she was thinking of me, and asked if I had time for a chat?   I said I did, to call anytime and she called me within a few minutes.

Not going to lie, the conversation was a tad awkward.  But not dreadfully so.   There was no small talk.  The first thing she asked was how I was doing.  I replied, "kind of crappy".   She told me that she was so sorry, and said a few other things along those lines.

It felt awkward, so I asked her how she was doing?  She sounded sick and she told me that on Friday they had to put her mother-in-law in a retirement home somewhat suddenly because of her Alzheimer's.   She and her hubby have had a lot on their plate too.  I empathized with her about that.  It really must be hard for them, and I wanted to let her know that I know she's been stressed too.

In my typical style, I started to feel guilty.  They have been going through their own big stuff too.  I told this to D and his was response was "Ya, but it takes 5 seconds to send a text'.  Good point, I suppose.

I made a mental note to follow up with her in a week to see how MIL is adjusting and how hubby is doing.

She asked if I was sure I was feeling up to the weekend visit.  She said it was ok to reschedule.  I said I didn't know, that I would like to see everyone.  I would see how I was feeling in a couple of weeks.

At the end of the call, the conversation went back to talking a bit about infertility and adoption.   Honestly, after not sleeping last night I wasn't in my best form to have the conversation.  I felt a bit tired and lazy, and also like I wanted to give her the light version of everything.  No need to shock her when she was trying.

She told me to call her anytime I wanted to talk.  I told her that I had a hard time doing that, knowing of how busy her schedule was.  She offered a solution.  She said to text anytime, that her kids were at the age now where they will watch TV.  She said anytime I wanted there was a 58 minute movie that they loved, and she'd pop it in anytime and call me.   I thought it was very sweet of her to say that.

All in all, the call was somewhat uncomfortable, and felt a bit forced to me (because it was!).  I remind myself that part of this experience was about spreading the word, and giving people a glimpse of what I need.   I hope that this conversation really just set the stage for the future more than anything.

Contact #2:

The other friend texted to check in on me, the one whose mother was sick.   We chatted briefly about her mother via text.  It was good.  I wasn't mad at her because she called me a few times already.

Contact #3

She texted and said she was thinking of me everyday, and asked me how I was doing.  She offered to come down and visit me (we live 2 hours apart).  I texted back.  She didn't write back yet.  She's a bit sporadic with texting on a good day, so I'm not surprised.   I'm happy though that she reached out.

Contact #4

A bonus contact.  My youngest brother called.  I'm one of five siblings.  We haven't talked for more than a couple of minutes here and there in a couple of months.   Part of the way through the call I said, "Things have been pretty rough in ___(where we live)___.  Have you heard?"  He said that yes, our Mom told him.   Then, he actually said "cue inspirational phrase here".   Wow.  Just wow.  His response was so brutal, but I had to laugh at his honesty.  Then he said "Well, try to stay positive.  Everything happens for a reason".  I told him I used to believe that, that I don't anymore because thinking that someone was doing this to me for some purpose didn't make me feel any better.  He said sorry, then he changed the topic.

My brother has some learning to do in this department I'd say.  Actually, it made me feel bad for his long time girlfriend.  I hope that he is able to offer her more support when she needs it, than what he demonstrated here.

I took comfort in his effort to call more than his words.  He tried, and I appreciate that.

Contact #5

Holy cow, did the universe respond or what?  5 contacts!

My Dad called and offered again to come down for a visit.  He's offered this twice already, but I turned him down.  He lives a 5 hour drive away and honestly I just wanted to sit around and cry all day.  Not sit around with my Dad and think about how I wish I was alone and crying.

He had a little project that he wanted to do (it's a table that I need with some customization).  He found a table base and suggested that we go to Father-in-law's shop to build it.  My Dad's handy too.  It would be a project for the three of us.  He said he was bored and looking for something to do.  Really, I think it was a little of that, but that he's also worried about us.

I liked the idea of the project, and I relented.  He's coming Tuesday night.

Missing contact:

Friend who didn't even bother to text or do anything last week.  I found out that no one had been able to get ahold of her to tell her the news, but she found out Saturday.   As of today (Monday at noon), she had not sent a message or anything.  She's the one who I'm not close with and so I don't even care.  I would like to dis-invite her from the weekend (and perhaps the rest of my life) but I won't do    She's always been the one in the group who is not as connected, and always has been.  No tears shed over this one, but it has been noted.

Reminding me of the past:

For some reason all of this reminds me of an experience that I had in university.  I was seeing a guy who would treat me ok sometimes, and then not call for stretches of time.   I can't believe I ever put up with being treated this way, but I think I was a bit blinded by infatuation.  Actually, this happened twice now that I think of it.   At the time I was feeling like I really wanted a boyfriend, and truthfully I was kind of desperate.  There were no other boyfriend prospects on the horizon.  After some agonizing, thinking that maybe something's better than nothing? I dumped their asses.

You know what?  I thought I would feel sad that I was alone.  But, it felt amazing.  Freeing.  Empowering.   It was hard, but told myself that I mattered and deserved better and I did something about it.   This all feels strangely similar to me.  Except better.


  1. I am so happy to see that your friends are reaching out to you. Sometimes all we need is a person to listen for a while. I didn't have many of my friends reach out during my losses, but that was okay with me because I didn't want to talk about it or deal with it, I just wanted it to pass by. We all handle things differently in life and it sounds like you are finding out who you can count on to give you the support you need through this.

    As always, thinking of you.

    1. Me too. It is such a relief. Mourning the loss of their friendship on top of everything would have been difficult. Thanks for thinking of me and stopping by.

  2. I'm so glad your friends reached out to you. Even your brother seems like his heart was in the right place. It does sound like your friends have "big" things going in their lives too, and I'm sure it was easy for them to get distracted. But it seems like everyone is trying harder to be supportive. And I think it's really good your dad is coming. Having a project is a great idea - it can distract you, but also give you some quality time with your dad. Wishing you the best!

    1. Yes. Knowing anout the big things in their lives makes me feel kind of bad about asking for their attention. But also that I want to help them too if I'm able. Everything always seems to happen at once.

  3. It sounds like your friends are there for you even though it may be tough because they may not know what to say. I have no idea how this situation is because most of my friends from the earlier years are all off with their kids so we just don't have much in common. They did send me text after the miscarriage but I never heard from them again after that. I was ok with that because we don't have much contact on a regular basis anyway.

  4. I'm so happy to see that your friends have reached out and that your dad is coming to town for a bit. I hope that you will continue to get more support from your circle as time goes on and that they start to understand how truly heart breaking this is for you.

  5. I'm really glad to see that your friends (most of them, anyway) pulled their heads out of their asses long enough to get in touch with you. I have been thinking a lot about your series of posts on your friends, because I'm starting to fear that I've been pushing mine away unintentionally throughout all our infertility woes. I've just been so stuck in my own bubble that I don't think I've been a good friend to them, and I haven't worked at keeping in touch at all even though one of them had a bad back injury, one is preparing for a wedding and the others have all had babies. You are reminding me that you need to give friendship to get friendship and I haven't been doing that.

    1. Thanks for letting me know this. I never thought of what I was writing of having that theme (of giving to get), but I think you are right. It's so easy to get caught up in our own stuff.

    2. WOW! I am so glad for you - five contacts?? So happy to hear that your loved ones are reaching out.

  6. I think this is so wonderful for you--I'm just so sorry that it took so much effort on your part to get your friends to actually express what they were feeling. Hopefully it's been comforting to know that they cared, but just couldn't find a way to tell you. I think that I hold my IF pain a little more close to the chest, but your posts have made think about being a little more open about how I'm feeling about everything. I've been open about what I'm going through with good friends, but just not about the emotional toll it takes living it day in and day out.

  7. This makes me grin hugely. Good for you! That was not easy!

    Oh, your bro. Yeah, yesterday I poured my heart out to my brother in an email, and his response to my multiple-paragraph letter was two lame sentences. And then he went on to tell me a bunch of stories about his daughter. Sigh. But yes, I hear you, their hearts are in the right places (I guess as a sister you just know).


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