Monday, 14 April 2014

Death by a thousand cuts

I've been doing some thinking about how I want need this miscarriage to happen.  
I had a very traumatic experience with Misoprostal  a couple of years ago.   [Short version of that story:  It was the most painful 8 hours of my life, emotionally and physically.  I couldn't keep the pain meds down, and ended up needing a D&C anyways.]
Sometimes I get a slight case of amnesia and think that I should just take the drugs and tough it out.  Maybe they would actually work this time? I flirt with the idea, especially when I'm feeling cheap.  I want to shell out another two grand to have a D&C like I want a hole in my head.   And of course, I don't want the risk of scarring.  
I counter those thoughts with reminders of how delicate things are right now for us emotionally.  We need this to be over quickly, efficiently, and in the least traumatic way possible.     
Yesterday, I was digging around on another site trying to find where I had written about my first D&C.  I don't know why, but I needed to read it.  I gave up on trying to find it, but I came across another post that I wrote.  
It was called Death By A Thousand Cuts.  Reading it today, brought tears to my eyes, like it did the day I first wrote it.  
Over two years after writing this, we are still battling.  Our path has gotten even steeper.  I thought I was at my wits end with all of this then.  

Death By a Thousand Cuts
DH just called this journey like it is- death by a thousand cuts. I'm in complete agreement.

This IF burden hasn't gotten smaller along the way. It's been a journey where we have both accumulated many scars along the way. Some have been little, some much larger.

I'm feeling sorry for myself right now and feel like listing some of my "thousand cuts":

* My ovaries look 15 years older than I am - big cut
* DHs sperm count is low, but useable with ICSI - medium cut
* A pregnancy or birth announcement every other month (I'm 32 and it seems to go with the territory) - little cuts
* little unintentional insensitive comments from friends like "we are going to try for a third, but if it doesn't happen by the end of the year, that's it. I'll be too old. (she's 33). Little cuts
* my BF not calling me for a couple days after I had a BFP and then spotting. (Since, I've got blood work to confirm a M/C). Knowing she's genuinely busy with her own kids and work. Thinking it the tables were turned I couldn't have probably done any better, she's been a good friend - little cut
* being tired of sharing bad BFN or M/C news with friends and family - little cuts
* seeing my MIL get teary for us when we get the call it's another M/C - little cut
* not being able to plan events and trips too far in advance because of treatments - little cut
* canceling trips because of treatments and procedures - little cut
* coming home from child-filled weekends feeling empty and jealous - little cut
* feeling alienated from friends who are in different phases of life - big cut
* listening to friends talk about their pregnancies, parenting concerns and joys- little cuts
* feeling guilty about not being a better friend to their children - medium cut
* mourning the loss of our twins at 9 weeks - big cut
* remembing the moment when DH heartbreakingly asked the nurse for just one more u/s, in case the babies were still alive - big cut
* watching our other IF friends mourn the loss of their baby born too early - big cut
* realizing that carrying a child may never happen for me, and fighting for the chance may be delaying our chances of parenting - big cut
* feeling a slight bit of stigma around adoption by some of our friends - little cut
* being mad at God and not understanding the "why me" behind this - big cut
* feeling guilty about that - big cut
* feeling like my life is on hold - big cut
* wanting to see a movie to relieve the stress, but noticing they mostly all have children or pregnancy in them - little cut
* not having motivation to do the things I used to love - including photograph children - medium cuts
* reading all of your agonizing stories and feeling empathy for your IF heartaches - little cuts
* being scared of my emotional reaction to unexpected baby comments (for me it's usually late onset reactions) - little cuts
* feeling like DH's parents may never get to be grandparents ( he's an only child) - big cut
* the money that we spend - little cuts all the time
* learning to distrust the medical system - little cut
* seeing my BFs 4 year old and remembering how long we've been trying by her age ( we started trying at the same time) - little cut
* watching DH's almost unnoticeable, but cringing reaction to that pregnancy announcement - when the to-be-grandfather called her DH "a stud" because they got pregnant so quickly - little cut
* needing a hair cut, but not wanting to go because I have talked openly about the IF journey with the stylist. Knowing my recent wounds are too fresh for that situation. Looking at my grey hairs in the mirror, wondering when I should book that appointment, in a week, or two? - little cut
* wanting to get a massage to help rid myself of the progesterone lumps on my ass, but not wanting to explain it to the massage therapist - little cut
* hating all of the shit I have to put in my vagina, and the fact that it all comes back out - little cuts
* wanting to have sex with DH but avoiding it because of 2 week waits - little cuts
* kicking myself for not having a back up list of things to do this time after bad news- little cut
* looking at the room that would be the nursery - little cut
* having some friends name their children names we may have chosen - little cut
* feeling like the are so many worse things in the world to deal with, and not feeling thankful for the blessings that I have right in front of me - medium cut
* feeling anxious for two weeks (or more of every month with a procedure, wondering if every little thing could be pregnancy or AF related - little cuts
* That moment after I thought my first m/c was complete, and to my surprise in the shower I pulled something that resembled a skinned mouse from my vagina. Having a reoccuring nightmare about pulling another one out. (sorry) - big cut
* having to tell DH that I was bleeding after our BFP one week before - big cut
* telling him it was now red blood - big cut
* not having pure joy at a BFP because we know there are still many hurdles - little cut

More cuts...
* watching DH care for our pet and call himself Daddy. Seeing how loving, playful and affectionate he is with it.  And knowing he would be a great Daddy  - medium cut
* wanting to move but not knowing when the time is right. We don't want a bigger house if it's just going to be the two of us.  Feeling like we shouldn't put too much into living here because we might not stay.  But also feeling like we have the time now to move.  -  small cut
* for those few weeks where I have been pregnant and other women, including my BF talk more openly about parenting. Feeling like most friends are always "holding back" in front of us.   - little cuts
* not wanting to buy new clothes, in the hopes that soon I'll need maternity clothes. - little cut
*  guilt that if I don't drink wheat grass, or do any other number of things that I'm not "doing everything I could" to get pregnant.  - little cut
* songs on the radio, especially Stevie Wonder's 'Isn't she lovely'.  And so many others. - little cuts
* reading a book that told me God this was all part of God's plan - medium cut
* the fact that I can't seem to get  over so many of these little cuts, many resurfacing with a fresh new big cut, making all of this even harder to cope with. - big cut

Some of the wounds have healed into strengths. I'm hardly in the mood righ now to make a full list, but the ones that come to mind immediately are...
* having more compassion for people in challenging life circumstances
* knowing myself better
* strengthening my desire to parent, and knowing that if I am given the opportunity to parent I will be better at it because of this.
* a closer bond with DH
* the many wonderful people I have met because of this journey
* the opportunity to watch and learn from friends parenting techniques.

As I read this again, it occurs to me that the reason for most of my cuts are the same.  Sadly, many of them have gotten much larger. 
I hate this. 


  1. I'm so sorry, Julia. There are no words for what you're going through.

  2. First off, I 100% agree. Death by a thousand cuts describes this perfectly. I am right there with you feeling these stupid cuts. And little cuts that didn't hurt that much 3 years ago for me have gotten bigger. The 2nd thing is even if you grief, I hear hope. I hate hope because it haunts us. The fact you are ify on the D&C shows that's although this is the nastiest/cruelest thing even, there is hope for those little embies on ice. I'm so sorry you have had to go through this. Seeing the heartbeat the first time is huge and it stopping is huge. I think about you all the time and hope you are able to heal. much love.

  3. Death by a thousand cuts...this is so true. I've felt many of these myself. I so wish this wasn't the case for you.

  4. I hate it for you. I'm so sorry.

  5. I'm so sorry that you have all of these wounds. I can't imagine the pain that you and your husband are feeling. It isn't fair.

  6. I hate this too. For you, me, and all of us. I'm so sorry for everything you're going through right now.

  7. I know to well how deep some of these cuts can feel. These cuts are all so true for so many of us. Here for you anytime you need me.

  8. I've felt so many of these too. But even though it feels like you'll always be in this zone, just adding cuts to your list (been there), the truth is the story can change so quickly (for the better). I so hope this happens for you, that your next step leads you to the baby you so deserve.

    I wish I had good advice on misoprostol vs. D&C. I've had both, had the horror show with the meds just like you and also had scarring from D&C. But I've also had D&C without scarring. My last D&C (before this latest D&E) was actually in office. She used exclusively vacuum, no scraping, and I did not scar. If they are careful and use ultrasound guidance there is no reason you should scar. You can also ask for hormonal therapy after to prevent it if you're concerned - an estrogen/progesterone overlap.

    1. I will ask about only using the vacuum. Thank you for that info and for your kind words.

  9. I'm so sorry. These are awfully many cuts. Especially the "skinned mouse" experience gets me...
    I've had an aspiration (just suction), too, to remove retained membranes or placenta pieces after I delivered my twins. According to the saline sonogram I had about a month later, no scarring.
    Thinking of you and D.


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