Saturday, 26 April 2014
My draft letter. Looking for your feedback.
I'm thinking about sending this letter to those friends. What are your thoughts are on it? How would you feel if you received this letter (if you were a fertile)? What should I take out or add?
Honestly, I'm not sure if I have the courage to send this. It leaves me feeling very vulnerable. I don't want to alienate or anger these friends. It's hard to know when to listen to the little voice telling me to stop. Is she being a coward or saving me from more grief?
This week, my feelings were hurt. I hate to admit it, and it's uncomfortable for me say anything about it. But I feel I need to.
As you know, two weeks ago, D and I suffered another deep heartbreak when we lost our fourth baby.
I know that every loss is different, and everyone copes differently. And things could be so much worse. For us however, this new loss just adds salt into an already very big wound. After almost 6 years of failed fertility treatments and losses, we have learned that (for us), the grief of infertility and loss is compound.
We are exhausted, discouraged and feeling very isolated in this experience.
While we hope the road ahead from here will be a smooth one to parenthood, we know all too well that this may not be the case. There could be more rough road ahead. We are very scared, especially because this journey has already left us so low.
I know we want to be there for each other, because we do things like we did for E and K this week. Seeing the support for them made me happy, but it also made me yearn for a little more of that myself. Of course, I'm not asking for flowers.
After hearing our news, some of you reached out right away. And it was genuinely appreciated. That first week was filled with nothing but pain and tears, and a message was the perfect thing. The week after, though, I heard mostly silence, and it makes me sad. I wonder if it is because I have not communicated in the past how devastating this has all become?
I don't expect anyone to say or do something to make us magically feel better. Because trust me - I know there is no magic pill, only time, a listening ear, or a quick note to tell us you are thinking of us.
I'll sign off by sharing this video that shows a glimpse of what infertility is like. If I could, I would add something about to the video loss, because for us, infertility is only half of the equation.
(This video won't work on an iPhone.)
I wrote this for something else, but thought I would share it with you too.
7 years trying
5 canceled cycles
8 months off for stroke rehab
2 donor embryo families
1 failed egg donor relationship
1 homestudy completed and updated again 2 years later
1 adoption agency, we are a "family in waiting"
3 pregnancies and 1 chemical
1 set of twins, lost
1 singleton, lost
1 singleton, after hearing a longed-for heartbeat.