Sunday, 13 April 2014

Friends and family, and miscarriage symptoms.

Friends and Family

I talked here about how we were doing things a little differently this cycle by telling more people about our cycle.  This has meant that we've had to tell people about our miscarriage too.

I am glad that I did this.  I think it's given our chosen ones a bigger glimpse into what infertility has been like for us.

The texts and phone calls that we have received from them have been really helpful.  Yes, I did bawl when I told them, and I bawl when they send me their condolences.

I don't think there is anything anyone can say that will make us feel better, but it helps to know that people understand a little bit more of what we are going through.  Infertility and loss has been a very lonely place.

Feeling isolated from our friends and family has been a huge part of our infertility journey.   I struggle with feelings of anger towards some of our so-called closer friends and family members who have never really asked or tried to get what infertility has been like for us.  I haven't wanted to burden them in the past, so I never pressed for a conversation.  For some reason- probably because this has gone on so long, and become so painful, now I feel differently.

Today, I don't regret sharing with them.  And to those who have not responded as we would have hoped, it stings, but I just make a mental note about it.  I won't include them as much on our next go around, whatever that might be.   I've done that with a couple of people in past cycles already.  One sadly, was my aunt who had a daughter via egg and sperm donor.  It would have been nice to have her for her support, but it became obvious that she wasn't able to give any.  Another one of those relationships was with my sister, but I chose to fight for that one because I thought there was potential.  And because she's my sister.  After our talk, she's been a lot more supportive.

It felt like the weak thing to do by asking for what I needed from her, but now it feels like I did the strong thing. If that makes any sense.

When asked how I am doing, I describe what happened in some form of saying, "a lot of salt in an already large wound".  I think it describes how we are feeling quite well.

What has been a little awkward for me is in a strange way, is getting what I've asked for.

Written (texted) communication is easier for me.  I can plan what I want to say.  I suppose I can be more controlled, in an uncontrolled way.  I can bawl my face off writing the response, but still say what I want to say.   I don't think I could do that face to face, I usually just shut down, giving people this impression that I am "so strong", which is not what I want at all.

Some people have called and offered to drop by.  For now, I've politely refused those contacts.  I don't know if I'm trying to spare them? Or if I'm scared of what might happen if I do talk to them.  Probably more of the latter.  In the last couple of days, I am sure I could not have made coherent sentences, but would have just cried uncontrollably.  Today, maybe I could.  I don't know.  I'll have to think about it.

It's a little bit weird to have shared with them but I think I am glad that I did.

Physical Miscarriage Symptoms:
- This morning I awoke to some peach coloured discharge. I haven't had a drop of spotting this entire pregnancy.  
- I have a heavy feeling in my uterus, but that feeling isn't exactly new. 
- I'm exhaused all of the time. 
- I still feel sick when I'm getting hungry, but I mostly don't have an appetite.

I've been reading some poems and watching youtube videos (mostly music) on miscarriage.  They help get my tears out.  Here's one from Beyonce that is surprisingly touching to me. 

PS) I'm on my way to church this morning.  Only because I have an obligation that I can't shirk.  No one there knows about the miscarriage.  There has been something huge brewing for me in the religious/spirituality department over the past year.  I haven't written about it much, but I think it could be time soon. 


  1. I just caught up and am full of anger, sadness and disbelief for you.

    WHY. Just WHY. This should have been it for you. I am so very, very sorry. There are no words, I know. Believe me, I know.

    I'm glad for you that more people know. I've now done it both ways and I think for all the disappointing responses there are those 1-2 that bring something helpful, some nugget of hope.

    My hope for you is that in the not distant future you will look back on these days and know they were the last leg before you finally got your baby. I know it is hard to believe from where you're sitting but things can change so quickly.

    This may be complete assvice so take it for what it's worth, but if I were in your shoes I would want that karyotype. Whether it is or isn't genetic are both highly valuable answers, even though the latter will sting (I now have two of those under my belt). And I don't know if you did cytotec for your other losses but I did for one of mine and I can tell you it is not something I recommend. Not that a D&C is a day in the park either.

    Oh. How I wish you didn't have to make those choices. Sending hugs, strength and virtual chocolate. xo

  2. I'm very glad to read that you were able to let others support you with the DE process and now this awful miscarriage. I agree that this is a sign of strength, not weakness. Tears are never a sign of weakness, just one way to express our emotions (even though we are so, SO deeply conditioned to hide them and never let them show).
    Thinking of you and wishing for ongoing support from those who love you.

  3. I'm so glad that you reached out more this cycle...I have always found it to be helpful even if there are the occasional idiots who don't know what to say or how to act. Most people will surprise you in a good way, I find. I am thinking of you lots and wishing I knew some way to make this easier.

  4. I'm glad you shared this part of your journey. At the very least, it means you don't have to pretend that "everything's fine", and I hope that some of your friends & family will be supportive in whichever way they can.

  5. Continuing to pray for you. I hope church offered some solace yesterday.

  6. I'm glad that you have the support of your family and friends around you. And I'm still hurting for you. I wish you peace as you heal. Thinking about you.


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